Good Friends

We all have them...good friends...people that shape who you are and people that bring out the best in you. I have a few good friends that I see occasionally and when I leave it makes me think "Why has it been six months since I last saw her?" I had dinner with such a friend last night. We ate at our usual restaurant, at the usual time and had many laughs and good conversations. She is someone that I met many years ago at work...I knew who she was and she had a cubicle on the other side of me. She was someone who kept to herself yet, was funny and smart and honest (she is getting a big head now reading this but, yes that is what I thought). She was somewhat like Queen Elizabeth of the office...well, without the jewels and the majesty part. I asked her several times to go to lunch with me and she always said "no, I brought my lunch but thanks." One day I asked her to lunch and she said..."you know, I really don't need any more friends." My response..."I am just asking you to go to lunch, not be friends." or something like that. She, of course, saw my magnetism and humor so she went to lunch with me that day and we have been friends ever since. I broke through....I made it to the inner circle.

We have realized we are somewhat of a "freak magnet"...whenever we get together, we have the strangest things happen to us. Last night, a highway patrol car ran over the curb right in front of us, we have had 5 semi nude young men come into the restaurant to ask a young lady to the ball, we have been approached by homeless people, to name just a few. We have often wondered why strange things happen to us when we get together. Last night I realized, if you are in the same place for 3 hours...strange things WILL happen, no matter who you are. There are that many weirdos out there.

Girls Ski Day

I have an uncanny ability to find the humor in things that most others will find completely out of hand. The other day, I decided it would be a incredibly fun day to take the little ones skiing for the day. We live so close to some major ski slopes and what better way to spend the day with my two girls then skiing and enjoying the snow...hmm, well, a root canal would have been better at times. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time but, there were moments....OMG the moments when I thought of jumping off the chair lift.

We left early in the morning and I had perfectly timed it to get to the slopes just as they opened and we would, for sure, get the best parking spot around. If you are a regular follower of my blog, you know that this could not have happened because if it did, I wouldn't be writing about it.

My in laws have a cabin up in the mountains near the ski areas so, we usually leave our skis and equipment up there. The girls and I roll into the cabin around 8:30 (slopes open at 9:00 perfectly timed...right?) to pick up the skis...only we can't find the boots. Skis...check, poles...check, goggles...got 'em, boots...Oh CRAP!!! We spend about 45 minutes looking for the boots and calling anyone who may know where they were. After a frenzied search party that may or may not have involved a few tears, we found the boots in a closet that I vaguely remember putting them in during the summer. We headed up to the slopes for our fun filled day.

We had never been to this particular ski resort before...mistake #1. We had to ride a gondola to actually get to the slopes...mistake #2. Having two kids by myself and thinking I could handle it...mistake #3. We take the gondola over to the village and I thought the kids would love this part...not so much. They freaked out on the way over there. When we got settled into the village and found our way to the ticket booth (carrying all our gear I might add along with a few choice words under my breath) we finally paid our obscene amount of money to hit the slopes at 10:42 AM...Yep, we already missed an hour and 42 minutes of skiing!!! Of course, my thought is...well, that is $22.14 that I can't get back. Then I realized the amount of money spent for a day of skiing minus the hour and 42 minutes was made up for in those wonderful memories that we just created on the gondola and the searching and the aimlessly walking around. GREAT!!

Very first chair lift ride, both kids get off too early and end up ducking under the chair in order to NOT be hit in the head by it. Second chair lift ride, my youngest got off and ran into a trash can. Oh , I knew this would be a wonderful day. Lunch was back in the car so that meant another gondola ride just to eat our lunch. Oh the joy of that again!!! Not to mention the many, many gear malfunctions that included goggles, helmets, gloves, harness and poles and YES we had an issue with each of those things. This was shaping up to be a great day...don't you think? I was told that the goggles were "actually hurting my brain" by my youngest daughter. And I cannot forget the fact that as "mom of the year" I MAY have misplaced my oldest daughter at one point during the day. In my defense, she is so freakin fast on the slopes and she ended up getting too far in front of her sister and I and I was glad to find her waiting at the bottom of the hill and not over the edge as I thought she may have gone.

The amount of money I spent on this day and the amount of tears all became worth it as we were exiting the gondola for the 4th time that day and both of my kids refused to carry their gear. My youngest had all she could handle in carrying her gloves and my oldest thought it wasn't fair that she had to carry her skis and poles when her sister did not. My response? Exactly as my parents used to say..."This is part of skiing, if you don't carry your gear, you don't go." That moment was PRICELESS!!!

Things I LOVE or HATE About Christmas...You Decide.

I LOVE (or hate) the holiday season...

10. Christmas Cookies

9. Wrapping presents until my neck hurts.

8. Christmas cards

7. Shopping

6. Having 2 weeks off of work

5. The decorations

4. The music

3. My family

2. The hand knitted stockings hung by the fire.

1. My youngest daughter commenting on the neighbors big balls (hanging from the tree but, whatever...)

Now, you must figure out which things on this list I truly love (if there are any) and which ones I hate. FYI - a lot of these can go either way depending on my f'in Christmas spirit that day....just sayin.

My Quirks

We all have them....I try to embrace them but, usually end up having a panic attack about them.

1. I HATE anything that when I eat it, my hands turn a different color. Doritos and Cheetos are the things I loathe the most. I am so tired of having orange hand prints on my ass from little kids having dirty hands from lunch and then hugging me. This came from the elementary school I used to work at since my kids are NEVER allowed to eat those things in my presence. OMG...when they lick all that cheese like substance off their hands...GAG!!!

2. I must get out of bed either on a time ending in a zero or a five...I can't get up at 6:12...must wait until 6:15. Why? I have absolutely no idea...

3. I like to make lists....several lists....my lists have lists...and I LOVE crossing things off my lists and when I get down to a few things...I make a brand new list. Apparently, I spend my free time fantasizing about lists. If you haven't noticed, THIS is a list and if anyone was to look at my ipod touch...you would find (at least) five lists at any given time.

4. I have very serious shoe issues. This is not a joke, it really is a sickness. I am CONSTANTLY losing my shoes or just one shoe to be exact. I don't understand how I lose one shoe. For the record, I have two feet so how one shoe disappears? I have no clue. I spend at least 2 mornings a week in a frenzy looking for my shoes. Now, one would think that I might find them the night before? Oh no...that has never happened and I don't see it happening tomorrow (unless I put that on my list of things to do).

5. It is physically impossible for me to make my coffee the night before. My coffee pot doesn't have a timer on it but, I could at least make it and then just flip the switch in the morning...but, NOOOOO, for some reason I can't do it. I think about it but, never do it. I think it would be great to do and how nice that would be but, I think I hope every single night that there is truly a coffee fairy or some sort of fairy (oh I don't know....a little gay guy?) that will do it for me.

6. I am a night owl that desperately wants to be a morning person. I have not been able to be successful at waking up early for several days in a row (three is my limit). I really wish my body would wake up on it's own at 5:30 AM refreshed and energized but, I guess I would need to go to bed by 9:00 PM to do that.

7. I have a freakishly weird obsession with hoodies and Converse tennis shoes. I would wear them every single day if I could....and really? I can, so I do.

So, tell me..what is a quirk that you have? Come on...We are all friends here.

ACK!!!! The Gak...

Now I have been ever so busy working on my "Mom of the Year" award. I am trying hard to be super cool, fun, and great...It isn't so hard to do right now since my kids are still so little but, it is exhausting.

When my 4 year old came to me with some Halloween "Gak" and wanted to play with it, my response was..."Of course, looks like fun." Note to self: Gak sucks. This is what I learned for the 10 minutes that my child played with Gak:

1. Gak really sucks.

2. When left unattended...Gak and child CAN become messy

3. Gak is somewhat easy to clean up.

4. Gak must be cleaned up otherwise this happens (please don't judge at how messy our dining room table is or the scraps of food on the floor...you should be looking at the Gak. It actually took me about 30 minutes to even notice the gak but, whatever).

5. Gak looks fun but, it, most certainly, sucks.

6. An older sister can really influence a younger sister to do things that she is not supposed to do (like...oh I don't know...stick the entire bag of gak on your head just to see what happens).

7. Gak CAN be fun except when it is stuck in a 4 year old's hair...then it is a pain in the ass!!!

8. Washing gak out of a 4 year olds hair is no picnic...you must pull on the gak to get it out, all the while, being careful to not pull out her hair (when angry..this is a bit difficult to do.)

9. Adult supervision is required with Gak!!!! DAMN IT...no more Gak. The last thing I want to do is be responsible to supervise my children!!!

10. I am well on my way to being Mother of the Year.

Freakin' Barbie Has Everything....

Black Friday isn't for everyone...we all know this. It takes a certain kind of person to brave the stores to save some money. I go every year with my sister and her friend and we make it such an adventure.

This shopping trip, we were walking through Target...when what to my wondering eyes appeared out of nowhere??? A Barbie Townhouse. You know the one....that had an elevator and three stories because Barbie clearly could not walk up three flights of stairs. It was pink and lovely and girly and pretty and pink (did I already say that?).

My sister was a Barbie fanatic. She owned every piece of Barbie accessory ever invented. She had the boat, the pool, the car, the RV, the plane, clothes galore, and the coveted townhouse. She would spend hours with her friends playing Barbie's, all the while, I was only allowed to sit and watch when her friends were over. Now, my sister would deny this piece of information as her recollection of us as children is that she was so sweet and nice to me all the time. When they would leave, she would let me play with her Barbie stash but, NEVER was I able to be Barbie...I was always Ken or Skipper or Tiffany or some other lame ass Barbie friend. Again, she would deny this as well. My sister and I were not the best of friends when I was a kid so, we would spend our play time usually yelling at each other or me tattling on her but, during the Barbie time....we would get along. When I saw that Townhouse in Target it almost brought tears to my eyes. Then my sister reminded me that she never allowed me to use the elevator in the townhouse and it made me laugh. What she didn't know was that whenever she wasn't home, I would help myself to that Barbie stash and sometimes, Barbie and Ken even made out in the elevator...How do you like that sis? I made Barbie slutty.

More Than The Leaves Are Changing....

This has been a fabulous week with my family. I have enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephew and spoiling them rotten, I have loved spending time with my sister and shopping on Black Friday with her (I would NEVER shop on Black Friday with anyone else), I have enjoyed my free time and spending time with SB at an extended dinner filled with beer and tears.

I am looking forward to getting back home, sleeping in my own bed and getting back into our routine. We have spent the last week opening presents, eating sugary cereal, laughing and loving on the kids. All of that was fun but I must say, I am somewhat ready for a change. I am ready for the change of seasons, I am ready for the change of weather and I am ready for a change of attitude. On this trip, I have realized that I have become a bitter and complainy type person. This is going to change. I am going to regain my half full attitude if it is the last thing I do. I have become so accustomed to the negativity that I don't know how to respond anymore to a positive. I have realized that friendships change, marriages change, and relationships change...and people need to change with you or they sometimes get left behind. While this makes me sad, it is what it is.

Aren't You Supposed To Relax On Vacation?

These are things I have been heard saying in the last 24 hours since my family has joined me here in this beautiful coastal town:

1. I am not speaking to you anymore.

2. You girls better stop ringing that doorbell.

3. Wait...how exactly did our daughter ride her bike off a cliff?

4. Do you really think it is a good idea to allow a 7 year old to drive a golf cart?

5. OH MY GOD...STOP RINGING THAT DAMN DOORBELL!!

6. Mom, do you really think that aliens or the CIA are tapping into your cell phone?

7. Wow, Mom, you really do think that aliens or the CIA are tapping into your cell phone...my bad...ya, I am sure they are too.

8. No, I am not kidding, I am not speaking to you right now.

9. How exactly did you forget to bring my hairdryer? The one thing I asked you to bring and you forgot it...how does that happen?

10. Daddy, mommy wants me to tell you again she is not speaking to you. Apparently, you don't seem to understand.

11. It isn't polite to burp in public...it really isn't.

12. Yes, I did actually need this new hoodie that I bought today.

13. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....STOP RINGING THAT F#$*ing DOORBELL!!!

I was so excited for them to get here but, now I realize life was grand for those 48 hours that I was alone. I will hold on to those memories and cherish them forever...who knows when that will happen again.

PS...The doorbell is fascinating to my kids because it is connected to the outside gate and you have to buzz the visitor in. They spend countless hours ringing it and deciding if they want to buzz the other one in...such joy!!!

I Can't Believe I Am Saying This...

It has been 48 hours of no kids and no husband. I would like to say that I have spent the time doing all the things I desperately wish I had time to do but, with snotty nosed kids around I just don't have the time or energy to do. I find it difficult to get all dolled up and go out on the town these days and think I am considered dressed up if I am wearing shoes other than Converse tennis shoes and a hoodie. I would like to report to all of you that I have spent my time getting together over 2 hour lunches with my frinends SB and Slab, getting pedicures, and staying up late only to sleep in the next morning.

Unfortunately, I won't paint such a pretty picture since I have been spending my time watching crappy tv that super hot hubby would roll his eyes at when I watch it. I considered going out to the local tavern last night but, really...just thought it was too much work for a beer that I can drink from the fridge. I have spent my time eating frozen meals...and I am including ice cream as a meal. I did, in fact run this morning...but, as I was running down Main Street I ended up doing some shopping instead. So, running turned into walking turned into trying on hoodies. Oh geez, I have got to the point where I miss the kids smiles, I miss super hot hubby cooking for me, I miss the noise...I hope they get here soon.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Wait...do you hear that? I hear a child crying (screaming actually) and it isn't mine. That is bliss!!! I can look at that mom in pure disgust that she can't get her kid to stop throwing a fit. I can be THAT person right now. I am headed to the airport bar for some overpriced beer and mysterious business men.

I'm So EXCITED...and I just Can't Hide It!!!!

I am so excited...wanna know why? I am headed to beautiful Southern California for a few days to give thanks and spend the holidays with my family. Oh ya....did I mention that I am flying BY MYSELF and staying BY MYSELF in a small beach town for two nights? Did I mention that part...ya, that is where my excitement comes from. Don't get me wrong, family trips are great. Driving for long distances in the car with super hot hubby at the wheel going (at top speed) 62 miles per hour, stopping at some seedy, gross gas stations along the way since the kids can't hold it anymore, eating at the local AM/PM for lunch...sounds fun, right? Any of you who have shared a 747 with me and the kids have experienced the endless picking up of crayons, spilling of drinks, kicking the seat in front of us, constant apologies to everyone on the plane and the trying to get all three of us in the bathroom by the cockpit. Do you know that FAA regulations REQUIRE you to close the restroom door by the cockpit? Doesn't matter that there are two kids in there with me....one of which must stand on top of the toilet to flush while the other is sitting on the sink counter. It is REQUIRED!!!!

This time, I am flying...all alone, could care less about getting to the airport early enough but not too early...hell, I would go right now if I could. I am going to grab the latest People magazine and see if I can hold out until I get on the plane to open it. I am betting on "no" but, I will try. I am going to browse through the sky mall magazine and think about ordering a wine chiller or a new hammock for the back yard. I will order a drink on the plane...maybe...the possibilities are endless. At this point, the only thing that can ruin this flight is 1) Sitting in front of a child who endlessly kicks my seat (basically a kid just like mine) or 2) Sitting next to a person that really should have got two seats...I don't like it when someone spills over into my seat. I am thinking that even those things won't ruin my flight...I may just need a few drinks instead of one.

Facebook Faux Pas

I had the most unbelievable chat with my high school friend...shout out to SLAB and her big 80's hair. I am still stunned and in shock by what took place. We all know, that chatting via facebook is fun but can sometimes get out of hand. You begin typing so fast and you hit return and think "CRAP...did I just do that?"

SLAB was chatting on the good book with a friend from high school when her cousin began to hit her up with chatting. Poor, sweet SLAB engages in conversations of rapid fire from both of them. Her cousin busts out with "You know I have always had a crush on you." AND "Maybe I will come out to (insert SLAB'S state here) and we'll explore the 2nd cousin thing." OMG...WHAT???? Now, I just want to be clear...this is a second cousin from another state but, I am pretty sure that "cousin love" of any kind is considered weird in at least 48 out of the 50 states...am I wrong?

So, she did what any self respecting girl would do....(vomit a bit) she booked it out of there as fast as she could. Close chat and log off. A few days later, SLAB is on the good book and he is on as well. He hits her up pretty quick and wants to know "Did I cross a line?" Ummmm, Ya think? HELL YES YOU DID YOU FREAK!!!! In his defense, he did apologize...sweet, what a gentleman. What I can't understand is why not say "oh geez, I was so drunk (even if you weren't) did we chat last night on facebook?" I mean, come on!!! I wonder how the next family function will go.

Apology Letter

Dear Dad,

I am so sorry for eating your entire tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and not baking a single cookie. That is right dad...not a single baked cookie. You should never leave me alone with a giant tub of cookie dough. No good comes of that!!! Seriously...

From,

Your loving daughter

The Day After Halloween....

Always a good day around our house. The kids like to trade candy and they get along pretty well since we threaten to take all the candy away if they argue. This is never a good time for me to be alone in my own house. I shamelessly raid their candy bags and don't feel the least bit bad about it. I absolutely know that all of you do the same...fess up!!! I am feeling much better now since I have been eating my dad's cookie dough that he bought from us for a soccer fundraiser and we have been housing it in our freezer for the past month. About a week ago, I decided I could listen to the cookie dough calling me NO MORE!! I busted into that tub and I have been eating it like ice cream. So, now I have my kids candy AND my dad's cookie dough that I can eat like ice cream...SCORE!!! I only have so much self control...Give me a break here, people!

Red Ribbon Week

This week is the dreaded and infamous Red Ribbon Week at my oldest daughters school. I have no issue with this week and find it to be kind of helpful for older kids but, in Kindergarten she came home and asked me about drugs. Could have been a good conversation, but she was 5 and how in depth do you go with a 5 year old?

"Mommy, what are drugs?"

"Well, honey, drugs can be smoking or alcohol or some other things you smoke and some people take medicine that is from a Dr. but, they don't take it right."

"But, mommy, you drink beer and you have medicine from a dr."

"hmmm, yes I do but, I am an adult and I am allowed to do that and I take my medicine as it is prescribed to me."

"Then why are you saying that alcohol is a drug but, it is ok to drink it and what does purstripe mean?"

"Don't you have homework to do?"

"No."

"Do you want to watch a tv show?"

"YES."

Great...problem was solved. I am good like that.

Now she is in second grade and one of her assignments was to write a note to a parent at home. Why? I have no idea but, I found a note on my book by my bed last night and opened it up. It was so sweet. She wrote.."Daddy, I love you. You are the best daddy. I love you. Happy Red Ribbon week." There were hearts and ribbons all over the note. I thought it was so sweet even though it was to super hot hubby instead of me. Then when I got into bed...I noticed that there was a note under my pillow. I thought she had made me an equally sappy and loving note telling me of all my wonderfulness and greatness. Instead she just wrote..."Drug Free" I am so NOT feelin' the love!!!

A Little Going Away Present

I have left my elementary school and moved on to the middle and high school. It has been a difficult transition but, one that I am ready for. On my last day at the elementary school, I was anxious and sad about what the day would entail. How do I tell the kids good bye? How do I say good bye to my friends that work here? I couldn't possibly hug all these kids yet I wanted to. I was a hot buttered mess all day long. Lots of tears and I had one kid say to me..."What am I doing to do without you here, you make me so happy." This melted my heart.

It wasn't until a few days later (4 to be exact) that I received my going away present. I have worked there for 9 years and while I think a plant that I could have killed in two weeks would have been sufficient a card even...instead? I contracted ringworm. EWWWWWW!!!! I feel so hideous. Best part, is that it is on my neck and all the older kids are asking me if it is a hickey. I can hear it now..."Hey, did you meet that new counselor...the one with the hickey?" Ya, that's nice...thanks to the kid who gave me ring worm for helping make my transition so smooth.

Does Stuff Like This Happen To Everyone...or Just Me?

I went for a run tonight and I have not gone in a long time...10 days to be exact. I was feeling pretty good and thinking "wow, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be." I am listening to my ipod and trying to stay in step with the tunes...Black Eyed Peas, Taylor Swift, Guns n Roses. As I came around the corner there was a man cleaning out some sort of filter with a hose. As I am approaching he begins to act as though he is going to tackle me when I try to pass him. I think he is being funny and I joke back with him at which point I realize he has a hose in his hand. I ask him jokingly not to squirt me and his response is "If I did, would you spank me?" Now, my response would have been a resounding HECK YA, if he had six pack abs or looked remotely like David Beckham minus all the tattoos. Instead, he was about 75 years old and I didn't want to even see his abs and he looked nothing like David Beckham with or without the tattoos. So, I just said..."umm, no I would not spank you for any reason" and then ran really fast.

I Just Realized...

I was thinking yesterday about how I am starting a new job this week and kinda freakin out about it. I am ready for a change but, big kids scare me and I don't know what to do with them. The little one's...I can get down to their level and talk to them, I can give them a hug and make things all better, I can play a game with them or kick their ass at Wii. Now, I will never win at Wii again. This made me sad. I did have a moment of clarity and realized that since I will be between two schools throughout my week....I just doubled my wardrobe. SCORE!!! Now, no one will know if I already wore that hoodie on Tuesday and it is now Thursday. This made things a heck of a lot easier.

Need I Say More?

My mom has joined The Good Book...Facebook. I KNOW!!!! She has no idea what she is doing on there and clearly does not see the loveliness of it all but, she is trying to be one of "us". I will defriend her if she doesn't, at the very least, post a profile picture.

Change is in the air...

I swear, just when I think I have things figured out...I get a wrench thrown in my direction. I have applied, interviewed and accepted a position at the Jr. High and High School in my district. I am so excited but, fear that the change will be a lot for me right now. While I feel I am ready for this change, it is with great reservation that I leave my current school. I feel like a rock star when I walk through these halls. Kids are constantly hugging me, talking to me, excited to see me and I love that. I NEED that. I worry about the amount of attention that I need from people in general...at home, at work, on my blog in the form of comments which I love (wink wink). This thought has seeped into my home life. Do I expect too much? Are my expectations realistic of my kids? Of super hot hubby? Of me? I don't know....but, I do know it seems impossible to meet everyone's needs these days. I cannot possibly be the friend I need to be, the wife I need to be, the mom I need to be, the counselor I need to be and still live a somewhat normal life...something has got to give here people. Unfortunately, it has been my blog. From here on out I am going to say "screw the rest of the people" and focus on my blog. "I do solemnly swear, to give my blog the attention it so deserves." AMEN!!!!

Skype

I have been thinking about this post for quite some time...just trying to figure out how to get it just right so that you all can understand the things I have to endure when it comes to my mom. Her and I have found Skype the web cam type chat thingy? Ya, that one. She thought it would be great so that she can see the kids since she is far away and misses seeing their little faces. We have tried to Skype several times and quite frankly, I am done with it. It is so annoying to me. Out of a 45 minute conversation, we spend 35 trying to get it working so that she can see us and we can see her and hear her. It is ridiculous. The first 10 minutes of the conversation are as follows:

"Can you see me?"

"Yes, mom we can see you."

"Why can't I see you?"

"Umm, I don't know mom."

"What do I need to push to see you?"

This goes on for quite some time and as she is talking we are able to see her face feverishly looking for the correct button to click on so that she can see us. This always makes me laugh...she just searches and searches and the truth is she probably has it written down on some post it note that is right on her screen on her computer.

Once we get it up and running...we are able to chat back and forth. She will always ask if we want to see the dog..why? not sure but, she will hold the dog up for us to see and the girls like to talk to the dog. Who knew that Skype would be for talking to a dog? For some reason that she cannot figure out, her computer will freeze her face in some very precarious positions. She will be mid laugh and it will freeze for 20 or so seconds. We find great humor in this part.

Now, my super hot hubby just will Skype her and I will be in the background not paying a bit of attention. She will see me in the kitchen doing dishes and say.."Hey, why isn't she over here talking to me?" I try to hide behind the island in the kitchen but, super hot hubby will usually sell me out and say something like "I am not sure why she doesn't want to talk to you." He is just nice like that.

A Moment of Silence, Please...

I came home from work on Thursday and looked inside my mail box hoping to see some hot celebrity staring back at me. For those of you that follow my blog, you know that I am a regular reader of People magazine. I love everything about that magazine. I love the pictures, I love the articles, I love that they put celebrities in a positive light, they don't ever do pics about "botched boob jobs" or "whose giant ass is this?" So, much to my delight when I pull into the garage, I usually see two beautiful eyes staring back at me and I think for a second...Hmmm, I wonder is it Patrick Swayze or Kate Gosselin?

As I pulled in this last week and looked over to notice that no one was staring at me...I felt lonely. I then investigated my mail box a bit further to see a notice that my subscription had expired. It was a very sad day and I have been mourning this loss for a few days now. Please join me in a moment of silence at this time to remember...remember the lovely pictures, the wonderful articles, the crossword puzzle and the two beautiful eyes staring at me every Thursday.

Out of the Mouths of Babes....and Adults

Sometimes the things people say amazes me. You would think by now, I would not be surprised anymore but, each time I am still shocked. Nowadays, it isn't just work things anymore....I am hearing more and more good stuff out of the mouths of my own children, myself, adults...

By my kids:

My youngest daughter has quite the personality and it exudes from her tiny body in a big way. My neighbors 7 year old boy was joking around and saying "Ouch I have a cramp near my nuts." My daughters response was...."Ya, that happens to me all the time." Huh? OK...interesting.

She decided to tell me one day that she has made a decision..."Mommy, I am not going to say please anymore." My response was, "OK" she reiterates with "No, I mean never!" How much energy and time does it take to say please? Apparently too much for a 4 year old...they are so busy, you know.

My youngest quoted me one time at the grocery store and decided to tell my oldest daughter to quit the sassiness but, instead it came out "Hey, your ass better not come out of your mouth." Wait...what did I just hear? I guess that isn't effective to say "that sass better not come out of your mouth anymore." Clearly, not the meaning I was going for.

By an adult:

While at the cabin, we were playing at the beach in the sand and the kids had made a giant hole in the sand. A friends boy was upset since my daughter was messing up his hole. So, I shout across the beach "Get out of his hole!" Ouch...that made me sound a bit Clampet like.

At work:

After every single recess, the yard duty tells the kids to "Grab your balls and put them on the ball cart." Oh dear, we all know this causes me to snicker...

I was looking at a referral for a 4th grade student brought into the office. I was reading what he actually did and I could not deal with his behavior. The referral said..."student called the teacher Mrs. fucking camel toe." Huh? What? How? I just could not get any words out that would be helpful, so I just passed it on...

What I Have Learned.

Super hot hubby and I are celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last week...can I get a woot woot?!?!!!! When two people decide to enter into a marriage, their thoughts are blissful and loving. Check back 10 years later and see how that is working for them. So, I am going to preach to you....I mean tell you, all the things I have learned in my ten glorious years. Please, learn from my mistakes as it is time consuming and energy draining to keep doing the same annoying thing over and over again.

1. When super hot hubby is doing a "project" in the (insert any location here...i.e, garage, yard, kitchen, under the car etc.) and you hear a very loud crash followed by some screaming obscenities...please, don't go rushing out there to see how you can help. This only angers the beast. You must just sit back and go against everything your mind is telling you to do and wait...wait for him to come to you and say..."I think I cut my finger off, can you take me to the hospital?"

2. Don't ever think for one second that he knows what to say in any given situation. I found myself thinking "If he really knew me, he would know I got my hair cut today and it looks fabulous and he hasn't even noticed or commented on it and it really doesn't help to catch him staring at that girls ass." He really doesn't know...no, seriously, he doesn't. After 10 years, I have resigned to the fact that he does not know and I must tell him what to say.

3. Which brings me to my next point, Don't think that because you tell him what to say it means any less. Super hot hubby really does think my ass looks great in my jeans, he just doesn't see the need to tell me 1,000 times...I mean, same jeans and same ass...why go over this again? is his thought process.

4. Be up front about your "moods". I will fire a "warning shot" when my mood is going south just to let him know. Now, he doesn't always hear the warning shot, in fact, he rarely does but, this is not my fault. I do my best to let him know that it is ok and actually preferred to stay away but, not too far away and to not talk to me but, talk to me all time and to compliment me lots but, not too much...

5. When I am craving and wanting something specific that is not organic or "good for me"...I must go get it myself. Don't ever send super hot hubby to the store to get me a malt balls crushed up in a tub of ice cream or send him to Marbucks for one of their donuts...if I need something specific...I must get it myself.

6. Do not resort to whining, crying, begging, sexual favors, or anything of the sort when you want an iphone and super hot hubby says "seems unnecessary to me." This gets you no where...I mean NO WHERE!!! In fact, I would say it even went in the other direction...so, super hot hubby most likely isn't reading this and if he is...stop reading right now but, forgiveness is easier than permission sometimes. I'm just sayin'...notice though that I still don't have my beloved iphone and have settled for an ipod touch. Same but, different.

7. Life is never fair. This is something I say frequently to my kids and I need gentle reminders every once in a while that this applies to me as well. Life is not fair when I am taking the kids to soccer practice and working and signing off homework and doing homework and simply running amuck yet, super hot hubby is asleep on the couch...Life just isn't fair sometimes.

8. Compromise is key...We need groceries to feed the children and he wants a new running shirt so we go to REI and get him a new running shirt and couple of Cliff Bars for the kids. See??? Everyone is happy and we met in the middle, Compromise...

9. Provide him with two delightful children so that he cannot leave as easily as he once thought he could. When those two delightful children act out and he gets angry with them...gently remind him that it was his sperm that created those little buggers and that you spent countless hours in agony and pain trying to get those demons out of your body through a hole that is not pleasant or fun to stretch that much. That usually shuts him up pretty quick.

10. Love him everyday...even when he gets on your nerves.

19...and Counting

19 scoops of ice cream? 19 spiders found in my bathtub in one year? 19 times that my youngest child drives me crazy in a 24 hour period? 19 trips to soccer practice in one week? NOPE...none of those. I heard today through my new People app on my Ipod Touch (a whole 'nother post on how that came about) that the Duggars family is pregnant again and that will make 19 kids. How can this be? Well, I understand how it could be but, who in their right mind would want to do this? I only have two of them and I feel outnumbered five out of seven days a week.  Now, I am a mom with a lot of love to give my kids. I go to soccer games, I make matching hair rubber bands for their whole team, I tuck them in at night, I kiss them, I try not to scream at them (I said TRY), I let them eat ice cream and popsicles just because and I just can't even imagine how much my kids would lack from me having 17 more kids. 17!!! Let alone how my uterus or my body alone would take it. One of my friends referred to her as a clown car...you just never know how many are going to come out of there and I could not agree more. By the 6th, those babies must just be flying out of her into a basket across the room...kinda like when you try to make a basket with a wadded up piece of paper from across the room. I would even imagine that they have the basket strategically located so that no one even needs to catch the baby. Now, I am not being all "judgy" on this family...I just know that my plate is full with my two, thank you very much.

Writer's Block

Have you ever felt like you have nothing to say but, you need to put it out there that you have nothing to say so that people don't think you are dead or something...I know, makes no sense right?  Well, I have nothing to say and for the record, I am not dead, I have not lost an appendage, nor am I stuffed in the trunk of someone's car.  I have been racking my brain for the last two days trying to find something witty, something funny, something touching, just something..and I can't come up with anything.  So, until something post worthy comes to mind...this will have to do.  

It's Not About the Bike

I have spent the last 2 weeks either with house guests or being a house guest.  Here I sit, alone, with my computer wondering where the heck did the summer go?  It is done already?  Kids begin school tomorrow so it is back to the grind.  Back to the craziness of a work day.  Back to rushing out the door and stuffing my face on the way.  Back to, at least, two return trips through the door because I forgot something.  Back to countless mornings of "Where is my freakin' shoe?".   

My mom has been up helping us out with the kids for the last week.  Nothing too surprising happened (if you can believe that).  There was no scene at a restaurant because she thought someone cut in line.  There was no moment of panic when she heard a strange noise...oh wait yes, there was and it turned out to be the cat.  It was uneventful in my "mom standards".   I will either have to make one up or write about something that has already happened....hmmm...I think I will tell you a true story...shocking and TRUE!!  

My mom loves to ride her bike.  She is all about the bike these days.  One summer prior to me having kids, my mom came up for a visit and brought her bike because she wanted to do some trail riding.  I obliged and took her along the bike trail for a nice ride on a Sunday afternoon.  We were riding along the paved road but, she wanted to go "off roading" so, I oblige and follow her off on the trails.  After about three seconds on this trail she decides this isn't a good idea so we turn around and head back to the paved road.  As we were just about to get moving on the right track she says...."Uh oh, I just hurt my back."  I am all..."huh?  What?  How can that be?  You were just standing there."  I guess she moved her foot or something and wrenched her back.  Me being the wonderful daughter that I am...began to laugh.  In my defense, I totally thought she was kidding.  I helped her over to the side of the road and lay her down on the grassy area.  What to do?  I have no idea...I look around and see a call box...crazy I know but, I pick it up and begin to tell the operator what has happened.

"Hello?"  

"yes, ma'am do you have an emergency?"

"Well, I guess...my mom hurt her back and she can't move."

"How did she hurt her back?"

"hmmm, good question...I have no idea...moving her toe?"

Meanwhile, my mom is SCREAMING at me from across the trail to tell her that it really hurts but, all she needs is a ride home.  She absolutely expected me to tell her that she needed a ride home.  Not kidding. 

"Umm, ma'am?  Did your mom hit her head?"

"Oh no, no, no...she is always like this...isn't she a peach?"

My mom screams again..." I can hear you!!!"

"Ma'am what would you like me to do with your mom?"

"Wow that is a loaded question...but, I bet you mean right now in regards to her back?  well, can you send out someone to help her get up or something...I have no idea."

"OK we are sending someone out right now."

5 minutes later a gigantic hook and ladder fire truck comes cruisin' down the bike trail.  Siren blaring cuz you know, have to make sure they are seen and all.  It was an absolute scene...Oh did I mention that a Dr. stopped to help her but, when my mom found out that her specialty was OB/GYN, my mom freaked out and told her "I don't need help down there."  The firefighters were nice as could be and just wanted to help the best they could.  They have a protocol to follow and when they started putting on the gloves to check my mom out, she responded with "What are you doing?  I don't have any diseases."  Right, because that is how normal people who don't do drugs respond in such a situation.  The fireman asks her to take off her glasses so he can see her eyes. Again she responds with "I don't do drugs and I don't have any diseases."  At this point, I want to ride away and completely act like I have no idea who she is.  But, I can't...I just keep shrugging my shoulders and acting as if maybe she did hit her head.  

After about 20 minutes, the park ranger comes and takes me back to my car while the fire dept waits with my mom.  I have to go and pick up the car and then come and get her.  We all help her into the car and drive off into the sunset.  For the rest of her trip all she could do was sit and watch movies.  It was HER idea to go to the movie theatre and sneak into two movies...ya know, because she couldn't do anything else so I am sure they would understand.  

It's a Small World After All

I haven't had this blog for a really long time and I don't have a whole bunch of followers (the ones I have, I love to the end of time) and I never in a million years thought that by post 111 everything would come full circle in blog land.  Most of my followers are friends of friends of friends and a few people that have stumbled upon my blog through comments or coincidence.  I read blogs where there are 1000+ followers and how the blog author will be out and someone will recognize them from a picture or something and comment on how much they love it.  You all have paparazzi in blog land you just don't really know it.  

"The good book" (Facebook) has connected me with people from my past and I LOVE IT!  Chatting with people I haven't seen or talked to in years has been fun to say the least.  Imagine my surprise at the 20 year high school reunion to connect even more with people and begin to put a real life face with a name and a memory.  After attending the "train wreck 101" (see the reunion post), I drove home..back to reality...back to my life here of wiping noses and tushies and turning into Cybil in 2.2 seconds.  Life is good!!!  

I was on my computer one night looking at "The Good Book" and a friend I have known since Kindergarten was on so I began an IM conversation.  We were chatting and laughing about the reunion and just the ridiculous behavior that we hope to never see again. I mentioned that I wrote a blog about it and he requested the link.  I, of course, put him through the oath of not revealing my true identity and if he did...well, nothing would happen but, I would be really mad.  He agreed and I sent the link.  Within 2 seconds he responds with "OMG...I can't believe this."  He has been following my blog and had no idea it was me.  We freaked out and I was trying to figure out how he found it in the first place and we freaked out again.  It is such a small world after all!!! 

Life's (HARD) Lessons

Upon returning from my 20th high school reunion, I have been reflecting on the night. In the years since exiting high school, I think I have learned some good life lessons...some of them through trial and error and others just from observations and a few were just common sense. 

Here is what I took away from the night:

1.  You want to look smokin' hot because there are those that age well and those that do not...you want to be in the category of age well.

2.  Get a room in the hotel or one within walking distance and DO NOT tell anyone your room number.  Seriously, people will show up at your door before and after the party for a place to crash or drink some more. 

3.  Wear Spanx...it just looks better.

4.  Browse your yearbooks prior to getting to the reunion.  There will be many people that you will see that you will recognize their face but, not know their name.  All will be wearing a name tag and it is just embarrassing to stare at someone's chest to see who they are.

5.  Limit your alcohol intake on the afternoon and the night of the reunion.  This is a big one!!!  If you want people to think you have matured since high school...maybe, just maybe, you should act mature.  I'm just sayin...

6.  Have your attire pre checked by anyone that can see.  Let's just say that a wife beater t-shirt is not appropriate for the reunion...especially if you have some sort of glandular issue that makes you sweat profusely.  And for the women, there is never a time that would be appropriate to remove any layer of clothing.

7.  When the music stops and the DJ leaves the building...this signals the end of the dancing portion of the night.  There should not be anyone dancing to the songs in their head or to songs that no one else can hear. 

8.  Please refrain from trying to kiss a married woman...especially if you yourself are married.  You would think this would be a given but, apparently it needs to be said. 

9.  When every ounce of your being is telling you to look away from the head cheerleader trying to do a cheer at the end of the night, you really should look away.  It is an image that I will never forget and will, most likely haunt me to the day I die. 

10.  Some people just never change...sometimes that can be good and sometimes it can be bad...very, very bad!!! 

 

Reunion

I am down in the OC, counting the hours to my 20 year high school reunion.  I am so excited I will probably piddle but, I don't care since I am getting older and have two kids and that is just what happens sometimes...I'm just sayin'.   If you are doing the math right now,  I graduated in the 80's..the time of hair that needed a half bottle of hair spray to keep in place, most likely permed or crimped, senior pictures had some sort of shawl or wrap that they draped over you, and some of the best music EVER!!!  

My memories of high school are vague but, great (what I remember anyway).  I loved the prom, football games, spirit clubs, yearbooks, off campus lunches, cramming 10 people into Andi's bug,  the river and listening to Def Leppard in my 1980 Celica.  Just thinking about it makes me smile.   Imagine my excitement as Skinny Bitch, Slab and I are staying in a hotel for two nights...TWO NIGHTS PEOPLE...no kids and no husbands.   The possibilities are endless!!!  I am sure there will be lots of laughs, "remember when"s,  and hopefully a lot less hairspray.  

I Almost Died...No Really, I Did!!!

This last weekend up at the infamous cabin they had a special little festival that they do every year.  It has become quite fun and continues to get bigger and bigger each year. They have lots of races for the kids (sack races, three legged races, peanut spoon races, etc) and they each get a ribbon for participating and if they finish in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place they get a colored ribbon and their name printed in the newsletter.  We try to go up every year as the kids love it so much.  

Now, as you all know, I have been training for this stupid triathalon for the past year (and not really liking it but, whatever).  So, I was excited to see that I could compete in a tri at this festival and it would be fun and easy and laid back and easy (wait did I already say that?).  It was perfect since they did all three stages but, they spaced them out over two days...PERFECT, since I was concerned about doing all three events with little time in between to rest.  So, here I had it...I was stepping up to do this and thought "Good way to start and this was going to be easy peasy."  

Ummm, ya, well, I had never done an open water swim before...Holy Crap...that was no fun AT ALL!!  It was a half mile swim and I knew about an eighth of a mile in that I was in trouble.  I could not get into a rhythm and I couldn't put my face in the water.  This has never been a problem before and every time I would put my face in, I would FREAK out because I couldn't see a thing.  It was all murky and not the least bit like swimming in a pool.  So, I thought "Well, I will just keep my face out of the water then."  This was good in theory but, I kept getting splashed in the face by other swimmers wake and literally kicked in the face several times.  I begin to think..."Oh crap, I can't do this" and I begin to look at my options.  I cannot turn around since I was so far out at this point that it would not have mattered.  I could not be plucked out by a boat since they were all kayaks and canoes and I would certainly pull them in with me in my freak out session.  So, I continued to swim and think and freak out and swim and freak out and think.  This was spirit crushing for me since I thought that the swim would be the best event for me...apparently not since I almost drowned.

I continued to swim with the encouragement of my super hot hubby (he was great...he swam with me even though he could have gone much faster).  I finished the half mile swim completely out of breath and so excited to receive the participation ribbon.  I was so proud of myself that I did not finish last...I finished second to last, in front of a fit young man in his 20's.  I won't even tell you he was drunk at the time of the swim but, I totally beat his ass!!!  

Step right up

I know all of you out there have been to one of the rinky dink traveling carnivals that pop up in the parking lots of your local strip mall.  Last night I had the pleasure of taking the family to one of these and it was fun yet quite scary. Some "interesting" people work at these carnivals and even more "interesting" people attend them.  We witnessed an argument between two of the workers...one of which was working at the dart booth (YIKES...not really the person I would choose to pick a fight with). She ended up walking away to go have a smoke...thank goodness.  You and I both know that she had thoughts of throwing that dart right between his eyes or a little further south of his eyes (if you get my drift).  There were two men walking around with their shirts off...in their defense, it was hot but for the record I had my shirt on...I'm just sayin'.  These men had tattoos all over their backs, fronts, arms, necks, etc.  One had a pretty little sunshine around his belly button (which kinda confused me with the stark contrast between that and the scary dragon on his back).  He walked around the entire time smokin' and with his finger placed inside his betty button...why?  No idea but, it was SEXY!!!!  Booma chicka bow wow!!! We spent a crap load of money on rigged games and broken down rides and it only took us about 20 minutes and all we have to show for it is a stuffed monkey and a stuffed Nemo fish.  JEALOUS??? 

Not My Child!! Monday

Oh, that MckMama has gone and done it again.  She is asking us to post all about the things our children did NOT and would NOT ever do.  Play along...it is fun and makes me feel so much better about my parenting techniques (or lack there of.)  Enjoy!!!

1.  My children are the most calm and delightful children you would ever see in public or at our house.  They do not spend days pulling each others hair, scratching each others eyes out, yelling, screaming or purposefully clothes lining each other.  I certainly have no reason to ever send them to their rooms "for a very long time."  

2.  I would NOT allow my children to go absolutely crazy at a wedding.  The craziness of all the other children may have involved an impromptu giant bean bag fight that looked a lot like sumo wrestling.  It was so embarrassing to watch other peoples kids behaving like such animals.  My children are much more classy than that.  

3.  I am quite certain, my children were the best behaved at the wedding and would never and I mean NEVER, poke the grandmother of the bride in the rear with a parasol that is to be used for shading the hot guests.  My children used the parasols as they were intended to be used and they would never use them as a sword, gun, Star Wars weapon, or poking device of any kind. 

4.  I would NEVER allow my child to run amuck in a grocery store only to hear a sweet little girls voice that kinda sounded like my child shouting "Mommy, don't you need these for your period?"  Huh?? What??? I wonder whose child that was doing that in the store...how embarrassing!!!  Thank goodness that was NOT my child.  

 

Is it so wrong...?

These are rhetorical questions that do not need any specific answers unless you have something to say about my wonderful parenting style, how incredibly hot I look in my jeans these days, or just something that will make me laugh...

1.  I woke up 10 minutes late this morning and missed my run with my running partner so, I took off on my own.  Is it so wrong, that I looked for my new friend, Olivia Newton John look a like, to be my pacer for my run or at least to stop and ask her some very important questions like "Why the hell are you chasing me?"  Is it really wrong that I was kinda sad that I haven't seen her since?  

2. It is still 94 freakin' degrees outside right now and it is 9:30 PM.  I do not live in the desert and I do believe this is very, very wrong.  

3. Is it wrong that I am wanting my mom to drink at an upcoming wedding so that she may act even more ridiculous than ever?  I have only drank with her one time and she was CRAZY!!!  So, imagine what would happen at a wedding with all of her family, and dancing, oh the dancing...I am so hooking her up with the Captain!!!!!  

4.  Is it so wrong that during a play date with 6 other children the parents and I (well, mostly me) decided we wanted to see how many kids could fit in the dog crate?  Is it wrong that I know it was 5?  Is it so wrong that I kinda wished we could leave a few in there for a while...for goodness sake, there were 8 of them and only 3 of us.  We were outnumbered!!!  

One of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here...

Yesterday, I attended the best kids birthday party EVER!!  We are invited every year to this party and the kids love it and so do I.  The parents live in this great house with a ginormous game room...complete with air hockey, a pool table and darts.  Now, I can kick ass in air hockey although I usually have to play with my kids but, I kick their ass none the less.  There is an awesome pool that is heated to just the right temperature and a retaining wall that the kids can jump off of and into the pool.  They almost always get some sort of blow up bounce house type of fixture.  This year was an inflatable water slide...last year a real mechanical bull!!!  They have it catered with great food and usually have rented margarita maker that contains some sort of adult beverage (strawberry daquiris this year).  Lots of beer, wine, cake, the works.  Too bad I have given up drinking so that I can drop a few pounds before my triathalon or  I would have been face up and mouth open on that daquiri maker. 

This great party comes at a huge price though.  While it is so fun and wonderful, the attendees at the party are ALWAYS in string bikinis, overpriced sunglasses, and designer cover ups.  I am telling you, the best looking people to congregate in one location.  I feel like the ugly friend that is always tagging along with "in" crowd.  I really don't understand it.  Lots of babies, and I mean babies (two weeks old) and their mothers are in tiny bikinis with no cellulite and no stretch marks.  How is this possible?   I watched as countless women came in holding their tiny babies while revealing their super model bodies.  They walk around in those skimpy bathing suits with a complete lack of regard for anyone staring at them (mainly I am the only one staring but STILL).  They do not need cover ups or to walk with their towel tied around their waists.  I am in a constant state of panic while at this party thinking "OMG, the backs of my legs are showing... I need to suck my stomach in... my youngest child is 4 years old not 4 hours old... my muffin top, oh the muffin top... do you think anyone noticed that I got my suit from Target?"  The men are easy on the eyes as well.  Nice looking, muscular, tan beach gods to put it simply.  I am quite certain that when we leave every year, all the people wonder..."Who was that older mom'ish type lady with two kids?"  I come home every year needing some sort of a self esteem boost from my super hot hubby who has never attended this party.  I kinda like it that way, so that I don't have to keep hitting him for staring at all the girls and he doesn't see my staring at the guys with the six pack abs.  

The Freaks Come Out at 6:00 AM

I have upped my workout schedule to 4 days a week in preparation for the triathalon that I stupidly agreed to do.  I continue to run at 6:00 AM two days a week with my ever so cheery neighbor and her dog and I continue to curse like a sailor and hate every minute of it.  This last week we had quite an adventure on our run in the morning.  We usually walk the first quarter mile to get warmed up and talk as fast as we can.  We also allow the dog to do his "business" since we are nice like that.  As we were walking the beginning of our run, we noticed a woman who appeared to be dressed similar to Olivia Newton John in her "Let's get Physical" video...You know the one?  Yes, with a head band and all.  Well, minus the leotard and add an oversized sweatshirt.   My philosophy when it comes to situations like this is to just look away and pretend like I don't see them. Unfortunately, with this philosophy I tend to miss a lot of ridiculous behavior.  This incident was no different.

As the freak of a woman was singing (loudly I might add) she noticed us and she started waving spastically in our direction.  Now, we have a dog with us so, I am thinking "She won't come near us with this vicious dog who is afraid of his own shadow, will she?"  Indeed she did.  She picked up the pace and started jogging in our direction all the while screaming at us and all I could understand was "HEY LADIES"  The rest was completely inaudible but, she continued to scream and jog.  My cheery running partner (who is freaking out at this point), says "We were going to run anyway so, let's just start running."  Off we go, thinking she will stop or show us some sort of missing appendage that needs medical attention as soon as possible.  Oh no, no, no,...she begins to pick up the pace even more.  At this point, we are sprinting and I mean SPRINTING like Flo Jo in the olympics.  The more my running partner turns around to see what she is doing, the more it eggs her on so she runs even faster and screams even louder.   She got within about 6 ft of me at one point but I am quite certain that her hangover or 3 day meth binge probably caught up with her and we left her in the dust.  As we rounded the corner and saw she stopped running, she was just jumping up and down as if she just won a medal and screaming..."YA, YA, YA, LADIES"  Huh?  What just happened? 

We spent the rest of the run in therapy discussing the events of what happened.  Wondering what her problem was? Why was she wearing a headband?  Why was she screaming at us?  How much Patron did she drink last night? How do you wake up and think....I feel like chasing someone?  The best part of this whole scene was when I told my super hot hubby what had happened his response was..."Well, that is part of it."  Come again....WTF? Part of what??? If this is part of running, I want absolutely NO part of it!!!  This crazy b#@*h could be my way out of this whole thing!!! 

Aye, Aye, Captain

Contrary to what you might think...I have NOT been playing Wii for the last week.  I haven't....no seriously...I haven't.  I have been trying to settle into a nice routine of cleaning the house, swim play dates, and popsicles.  Let's be real, I have been breaking up fights over here, people!!!  Lots and lots of whining, hair pulling and everything short of scratching each others eyes out (the kids have been no picnic either).  When we have no plans, the devil himself resides in this house.  I know it...he is lurking..waiting...patiently...to jump out at any given time.  I have had no time for  Wii nor for my new found love of crappy tv shows called "I didn't know I was pregnant."  

I actually took one night for myself and went up to the cabin to decompress and get energized.  It was lovely.  You see, I was melting here in the valley (literally melting at 108*) and it was a nice 80* degrees up there.  The last time I was up there I had a date with Mr. Patron that didn't go so well.  I spent the night agreeing to run in a triathalon, drinking with what I am quite certain were underage boys, playing pool (which I really suck at unless I am drunk), and watching in horror as my friend was making out with their dog.  This time...I broke up with Mr. Patron and moved on to the Capt.  Now, the Capt has been good to me over the years.  He brings back fond memories of relaxing on a dock with an ice cold drink in hand while watching the water skiers go by.  He is a nice date...one I don't need to be dressed up for, can have a mellow evening with, a dinner and movie type date per say.   He was very sweet to me and treated me like the wonderful woman I am.  He did NOT leave me reeling the next day wondering "what the heck just happened and why am I sleeping next to this giant stuffed bear that looks like I won him at a carnival.  OMG...did I go to a carnival?  Was there someone named Herb involved in my evening?  Why do I have the sense that I went on a giant slip n slide? Why am I wearing different clothes and who's sombrero is that?"   Mr. Patron is dead to me and he will no longer have his way with me...I am stronger than him and his evil ways.  Man, I love that Patron, he really is unpredictable and fun. 

I wii, you wii, we all wii for wii ski!!

I needed at least 24 hours to decompress from the whirlwind trip that we went on.  Every year as we plan this trip, super hot hubby and I always think, "OMG...staying for a week is waaayyy too long. We should stay for a shorter amount of time so we don't hurt anyone."  At any rate, we stay for a week and hope for the best.  

One of the things that I LOVE about being down in LA is not what you would expect. Being around my lovely family for 168 hours straight?  NO.  The weather?  NO.  The beautiful (polluted) beaches? NO.  My wonderful, beautiful, skinny, smart and did I say wonderful, sister that has every cable channel AND a wii gaming system.  Yep, that's it!!!  Don't even get me started on the shows I found on the cable channels that we don't get at our house.  For instance, "I didn't know I was pregnant" is an entire season of shows about people who deliver their full term babies and claim they didn't know they were pregnant.  How can this be?  I was fascinated (by fascinated I mean judgmental) by this concept.  Come on now people, protruding belly, missed monthly blessings, eating a pickle every hour on the hour, gaining 70 lbs., throwing up in your boot every morning, etc. and each time they would show the new mommy sitting there saying "I didn't have the normal symptoms."  WHAT?? Yes, you did.  OMG...people are ridiculous. 

My darling, lovely, skinny, smart and beautiful sister has a wii and for this I would give her my kidney if necessary.  We do not own any type of gaming system and this is the sweet mother of all gaming systems.  Super hot hubby and I found ourselves gorging on wii morning, noon, and night.  He challenged me to the wii ski and it was game on!!!  The entire game is about jumps, slalom courses, moguls and such but, to me it was all about going full speed down the hill and barreling his poor little mii (Chuy with a giant fro) over.  It was hysterical.  The absolute, hands down best thing that happened with the wii was my mom tried to play the wii ski.  OMG...she was a spaz and a loud spaz to boot.  At one point, she was going over a jump and she flung the numchuck over her head and hit herself in the face with the cord.  She totally made the jump though.   The kids kept asking us to take them to the park,  to read to them, to get them food but, we were busy!!! 

Dad's day

The girls and I woke up early this morning to get things moving for our fathers day extravaganza.  Actually, it was just family coming over and was going to be low key but, I tend to make things into an extravaganza no matter what.  I had talked to the girls about making a card for daddy for fathers day and usually they love doing these kinds of things.  My youngest responded with "I already made him a card a while ago so, I don't want to" but, my oldest was up for the task.  She spent painstaking hours (minutes actually but to a 7 year old...HOURS) finding the right colors and drawing the right pictures so that he would love it so much he would take her to Disneyland.  After she finished, she threw it in my direction and said "here".  I was totally feelin' the love.  As I looked at it, I noticed that rather than saying Happy Fathers Day, it said "Happy Farther's Day" on the outside AND on the inside.  I didn't have the heart to tell her and think it is rather appropriate if you ask me.  So, Happy Farther's Day to all the gentlemen out there...you deserve one special day that is just for you....JUST ONE!! 

Those were the days.

We have made it to the beautiful beaches of Southern California and all of us are in one piece.  Shocking, I think.  We were driving through the Mojave Desert looking at tumbleweeds and Joshua Trees when I turned to super hot hubby and said "Hey, the next gas station you see, can you stop? I don't have to go really bad yet but, clearly, there isn't a lot around and you are driving as fast as I can walk so this could take a while."  As my bladder is filling to maximum capacity, he passes not one but, TWO gas stations in the freakin middle of no where.  By this time, I am literally dying and had I been in the old stinky truck I would have just gone on the seat or on the floor but, since I was in the new shiny, pretty truck...I couldn't do that.  What are the odds that I could pee in a water bottle with a fairly small opening?  I am thinkin', not so good.  When we finally find a gas station, I literally run to the restroom...bowling down anyone that could be in my way.  

We have spent the last few days visiting with my family and friends.  Last night, we went over to Skinny Bitches house and hung out with Slab (another high school friend).  The three of us, talked the entire time...I mean the ENTIRE TIME!!!  Every once in a while, the hubby's would interrupt us and we tell them their services were needed outside for the BBQ, kids, or something.  Even though 20 years has passed since those dreadful yet fun times,  it was as if we didn't miss a beat.  Each of us has kids and husbands, yet I still think of SB and Slab as 17 year old high school girls.  I think about the times we spent at the River, the prom, the parties, the beach, sneaking off campus at lunch time, ditching classes (Mom, I mean only when I was sick and with your permission....I NEVER ditched classes),  etc. etc.  As we were reminiscing, we started sentences with "remember when..." and "Oh my god, do you remember..."  I had this thought last night as I was sitting there enjoying the company, relaxing around the fire with a beer and one of Slabs kids came up to her and was calling her mommy...."Why is this kids calling her mommy?"  I don't see them this way and I probably never will.  We will always be 17 in my mind...now if I can get my 23 year old body back...we would be in business.  

Road Trip

I am certain I have posted before about road trips with the family.  I love the idea of them but, put in motion they pretty much suck.  I have spent the day before leaving for our journey, away from the house so that super hot hubby can pack, repack and repack to get the luggage, food, hiking boots, bikes, toiletries, lists upon lists, napkins, kitchen sink, etc. just so.  

One of the most endearing features when it comes to super hot hubby and road trips is he is highly organized.  One hour into the trip I can ask him, "hey super hot hubby, where is the magnetic Othello game?"  And his response will be "in the seat back pocket behind the cd's, toilet paper and gum."  Now, one of the most annoying features about super hot hubby and road trips is he is highly organized.   He places maps in order that we may need them in the door pocket, he never forgets anything and if anything is forgotten it is something he asked me to bring and I forgot.  I can guarantee, he has the gas tank full, water bottles filled and in the car, and cd's burned and ready to go right now and we aren't leaving for another 10 hours.  When will we be able to stop for my Marbucks donut, venti coffee with room for cream, super big gulp, Skittles and gum when he has covered all the bases???  

Wish me luck...well, all of us because things could really go bad on a road trip for anyone who whines, cries, wants to watch the same movie over and over again, asks for 12 pieces of gum, wants me to read to the point that I am sick, drops everything under the seat, has to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes, etc.  Again, road trips look great on paper but, put in motion...someone could end up in jail.  

PS...we are going to be seeing my mother soon so I am sure I will have many great stories about this trip...stay tuned!!! 

You All Passed but, No One Got an A+

While I LOVED all of your answers to the pop quiz that I proposed, no one hit the nail on the head.  I enjoyed all the comments...especially the one by Domestically Challenged stating that my daughter was just thinking about picking her nose and the comment made by mika about the "and stuff" that others touched throughout the day.  I liked the one by Grannie too as I thought maybe she had me on some hidden camera where she was able to see my sweet, adorable, darling daughter playing in the dirt, doing cartwheels, playing with dogs until she stated that I asked nicely....then I knew I wasn't on some hidden camera and I could go back to scratching my ass and pulling out my undies.  Oh I am just kidding, I don't ever do that.  

I know you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the response by my daughter was...so without further ado:

Question:  "If I don't pick my nose and stuff, do I have to wash my hands before dinner?"  

Answer:  "Well, when was the last time you washed your hands?"  See sometimes you have to probe a little bit further to get to the truth.

Her Answer:  "Ummm, it was about 7 hours ago." 

My Answer:  "Then yes, you must wash your hands."

Her Answer:  Giant tantrum that ended after dinner was over which led to another tantrum because she had to eat by herself at the table.  

Ahhhhh, life is good!! 

Good job and thank you to all who participated in my pop quiz!!! 

A Pop Quiz

With the last day of school closing in quickly, I have to keep all my ridiculous stories locked up in my brain for a few more days.  I just don't have the time or energy to sit down and do the long post that I need to do.  So, instead...I am testing you all, my fabulous followers.  Anyone who gets the answer right to this one question, I will do something for.  Not sure what but, something.  A link to my post?? Oh wait, I have 28 followers (that I LOVE),  the possibility of a guest post on my blog?? Might be too much pressure to guest post and keep up on your own post.  Well, I will think of something.  So, here is the question...

What is the appropriate response to this question? All answers are welcome and encouraged.  Ask around, check it out, get other people to leave me comments, talk to friends, talk to your pets, research, whatever you need to do.  Leave a comment as many times as you like but, just know that this question was presented to me by my 4 year old daughter.  Here we go...

"Mommy, if I don't pick my nose and stuff, do I have to wash my hands before dinner?" 

So, there you have it...how would you respond to that question?  The "and stuff" part kinda frightened me and don't even want to know what "and stuff" could mean.  I am betting (and I am totally a betting gal) on the fact a mom may get this one.  

Such Simple Creatures

A long weekend hanging around the house leads to long thoughts about random nonsense.  I have been married to super hot hubby for 10 years (Yes, I deserve a medal or diamonds or something) and he has yet to respond to my nonsense in an appropriate way.  For all the men out there (super hot hubby)...let me break this down for you, k?  

Scenario 1:

When your wife says to you, "Is there anything you would like to do today?"  You can respond with "There is some yard work I would like to do and I would like to have a little break today."  This will certainly get you a kick in the balls.  OR you can respond with the non ball kicking answer of..."Oh, honey, you work so hard all week long and you have the kids so much, you should rest while I take the kids on an excursion that you certainly would not want to go on."   See how simple that is????

Scenario 2:

When your wife has a half day and comes home to find you on the couch sleeping....your response should be, "Oh, I was up so late last night, I couldn't sleep, I was just looking at you and thinking about how lucky I am to have you for my wife."   Again...simple???  I think so.  The response should NOT include:  "Damn honey, why are you home?  Oh ya, I forgot you were coming home early today."  

Scenario 3:

Super hot hubby asks the little woman..."What would you like for dinner tonight?"  and she responds with "Oh, I don't really care."  This one is kinda tricky...because we do care and not just what is for dinner.  We care about what you come up with as a suggestion for dinner.  You really can't win on this one fellas so...sorry.  If you respond with something healthy and balanced, she will think you are calling her fat.  If you respond with something just to die for fattening...she will think you don't really care about how she looks anymore...ya, you are on your own on this one. 

Scenario 4:

This is a big one...If your wife ever utters words such as these I am about to reveal...the answer is ALWAYS the same.  No matter how she phrases it...does not matter.   She says, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" or "Do these pants make my butt look big?" or "Does this dress show my back fat?"  "Do my underarms jiggle when I wave hello?" "Are my boobs getting saggy?"  "Do I have cellulite on the back of my legs?"  We all know there are several variations to this question but, I think you get the jist.  The ONLY response that will not get a woman thinking of a swift kick to the groin is "No...you look fantastic.  There is no way anyone would ever think you look fat."  Now, it is not only the words that you must say but, you must be looking in her direction as you say them and what ever you do...do NOT hesitate on the response.  GEEZ gentlemen....we are such simple creatures.  

My Mom takes on Manhattan

Stay tuned...that is right she is in the Big Apple and apparently getting a subway pass to see all the sights of the city. I am worried for those around her since she will most likely get lost and go all crazy on people when they think it is funny to give a tourist wrong directions.  How will they know she is a tourist you may be asking???  Well, she is the one wearing capris, I heart NY t-shirt and the Statue of Liberty foam crown and let us not forget that she is carrying post it notes to report any suspicious activity.  I really do feel for the city of NY right now. Hang in there New Yorkers and please do not hold me responsible for her behavior.  

Not Me Monday!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I was NOT been very busy last week as super hot hubby was on a work vacation so there are so many things that I did NOT do!!!! 

1.  I did NOT stop to think if it would be ok for the kids to have a Slurpee for dinner one night.  Now, in my defense, it was very hot and we needed something to cool down AND I figured that if we got a fruit flavored it may suffice.  I did NOT think about it for a while and I did NOT ask the kids their opinion on this as anyone with a brain knows that the kids would say it would be ok.  

2. I did NOT freak out when my oldest daughter was hit with a rocket (baseball) in her eye.  My freak out was NOT the fact that I figured she was going to be discolored or swollen...it was based solely on the fact that we would be making, yet another, trip to the ER and I just didn't want to go back there two weeks after our last trip and see the same people.  I mean what would people think???  I am quite certain they would remember us too as my youngest daughter was trying to sit on the doctors chair and simply running amuck.  I figured if they saw us coming again they would lock the door and turn off the lights so, I was pleased to no end when we realized we wouldn't have to go.  

3.  I do NOT think that my daughters eye is the most beautiful shade of purple and I am NOT so proud of her for wanting to go back out and play ball on Tues night. I mean, really, what parent would want their kid to go back out to the same sport that she was so terribly injured at???  That would be so mean.  

4.  I am NOT even more proud of her for trying to match her dress to the shade of her eye.  I am NOT thinking I have the toughest little girl in the whole world with the most amazing tenacity that it makes me want to cry!!! 

5.  I am NOT going to post a picture of her eye since I said I would never post any pictures of my kids on my blog.  If I did post a picture of her eye...it would NOT look like this and it would NOT make me smile to know that behind that discolored eye lid is the most beautiful eye with a twinkle in it that I love to see. 

6.  It is NOT family game night...Help me...enough said!!! 

                                                         

In The Trenches

Today, was the most bizarre day at work I have ever encountered.  Super hot hubby is gone on a trip right now and I am single parent for 4 days...let me rephrase that....a semi tipsy single parent since I can't seem to make it through an evening without some sort of alcohol. This morning I had the joy of taking a kid home from school that had been suspended.  I had to go to his house first (no working phone number there) and make sure it was ok for me to bring him home in my car.  The boys "Auntie" wanted to ride with me so that she could give him a piece of her mind.  When she got into the car, I realized she was wearing some cheap ass perfume (by ass, I mean it smelled like ass covered up with perfume).  I was concerned for my shiny, pretty new truck but, figured it would air out. Auntie and I chatted about kids and life in general and I found myself thinking..."Auntie is pretty cool, I kinda want to hang out with her."  

We arrive at the school and by this time the boys brother was in trouble and they both needed to be taken home.  She lights those boys up within two seconds of stepping into the office.  She went about her business of signing behavior reports and getting them signed out of school and never stopped yelling at them.  The entire ride home was spent with the boys in the back seat, staring out the window and Auntie continuing to yell.  No one was listening at this point and she was going on and on about "why you boys are acting like foos?"  Yes, there is no L in fool these days.  The best part was, when I returned to school, I called my friend counselormama who is also an elementary counselor and she says and I quote...

"I bet I can guess what she was yelling in the car the whole way home."   Game on!!!  So, she says..."Boy, if you were mine, we wouldn't even be havin' this talk because I would whoop your ass and Boy, why you actin' all a foo at school?  and Boy, your mama didn't raise no foo so why you actin' like one?  and Boy, why your school have to call me and make me come to the school with this lady to pick your sorry ass up?"  This was, pretty much to a T, the way the conversation went down in the car.   Counselormama=1 Seriously? = 0.  While 99% of what "Auntie"  was saying was in the form of a question...She, in no way shape or form, wanted any type of answer.  

This is just one tiny thing that happened today...not to mention the freakin band that has moved onto Mary had a little lamb and our new student that wants to "kick the crap out of people"  all the time and he is addicted to playing his air guitar and singing Iron Maiden at the top of his lungs and the 6th grade boy that showed up to school in an authentic COUNTY JAIL shirt with a prisoner number and he didn't understand why I would make him take it off.  And people wonder why elementary schools need a counselor??? 

Happy Mothers Day!!

Even though I often will poke fun at my mother, I love her more than anything.  She raised me to be a doting mom to my own kids and taught me keep my eyes out for suspicious activity at all times.  Growing up in a family oriented area of Southern California, we often times would ride bikes up to the local strip mall by ourselves for an ice cream cone.  Life was good.  My Mom was at EVERY one of my sporting events...softball, basketball, volleyball.  She attended drama productions and campfire girls.  I never doubted how much she loved me (except for the time she chased me around with a wooden spoon that I am quite certain I deserved).  

One of the things that I loved about being her daughter was she LOVED everything I did.  Seriously...EVERYTHING.  My sister and I had the chore of making dinner one night a week for the family.  We would make such dinners as mac and cheese, chili bili's (tortilla chips, chili and cheese...an old ball park favorite), and spaghetti.  As we would sit down to dinner, my mom would act as if it was the best chili bili she had ever had.  It always made me so happy.  She let us try so many things and believed in a "do it yourself" type way of learning.  I wanted to make cookies with a friend one time and she let us go to town in the kitchen.  We ended up dumping all the flour in at once and when we turned on the mixer it all went flying...we were covered in white.  We all laughed so hard...including my mom.  She let me make my own Halloween costume of R2D2 and I was so proud of that costume.  It was actually quite pathetic but, she was so proud of me for doing it mostly by myself.  

Being a mom now, I realize how much she did for me as a child.  She stayed home with my sister and I and asked us everyday after school how our day was.  She took care of me when I was sick. She drove us around to our many activities. She was a room mom. She let us have sleep overs.  She made us cookies.  She taught us how to swim.  I could go on and on...but, the most important thing she taught me was how to be a great mom to my own kids.  For that, I thank her from the bottom of my heart.  I love you, Mom!!!! 

Family Freakin' Game Night

Super hot hubby and I decided to step up our game of implementing an fun filled evening of board games with the kids one night a week.  Now, this is also in conjunction with baseball practice and two baseball games a week, ballet, homework, birthday parties, play dates, etc.  The introduction of this night comes on the heels of the fact that super hot hubby and I did not do a birthday party for either one of the kids this year.  While we differ in opinion on this (and we all know who is right)...the kids keep asking about a party.  I am NOT feeling like the mother of year right now so, let's start having more family fun time to make us feel closer.  

While it all sounds good...we all know that it didn't go well (hence the post).  We decide to let the youngest person pick the game and next week, the next youngest and so on.  My youngest is freshly 4 years old and doesn't have the best sportsmanship skills.  We are working on it.  She chooses Mickey's Clubhouse Yahtzee which sounds fun right?  

First game goes well..no major problems...second game...not so well.  My four year old begins to whine in a voice that I only thought dogs and parents can hear.

"I want to go first."  

"You got to go first last time...let's give someone else a turn to go first." 

"I don't want to...that's not fair."

"If you are going to cry, then you can go to your room."

"I don't want to go to my room."

"Then stop whining."

Game 3...we pushed it on this one.  

"I don't want to only have two Mickey's"

"Well, that is the way the game goes."

Putting her head down on the table to pout (which infuriates me)

"Shall we skip your turn then."

"NO!!!"

She rolls the dice and the dice go flying all over the table and floor...again infuriates me.

"You need to pick them up."

She picks them up and rolls them again...now she begins to bang the yahtzee cup on the table.

"You need to choose what you are rolling for and please stop banging on the table."

"Well, I am thinking"  (with MAJOR attitude and eye roll)

She is four, people...FOUR!!!  OMG...roll the freakin dice or I am going to lose it here.  Now, I put my head down and proceed to bang my head on the table.

Final roll...all dice go flying...OMG...who's idea was this?? 

When she puts her playing piece on the board...she purposefully knocks all the other pieces off.  AGAIN...I am infuriated. 

At the end of the game...she is upset because she got 13 and someone else got 16 and she is adamant that 13 is more than 16 so that she would win.  

Glad we implemented that fun filled evening...Good times!!! 

Travel Buddy

Super hot hubby and I went out for a nice dinner the other night sans kids and we came up with a great idea for a new job.  Not that either of us is looking for a new job but, we had an idea none the less.  

Prior to getting married, super hot hubby and I loved to travel.  We still love to travel but, we have very different styles of traveling.  My idea of a vacation is sitting on a warm beach, sun, drinks, and hot cabana boys.  His idea of a vacation is a trek through some wilderness carrying everything on your back for four days.  I lured him in with two backpacking trips while we were dating and now I say NO MORE (sucker)!!! Throw a couple of kids in the mix and he is lucky if he gets a hike out of me. Whenever we try to plan a trip we inevitably "discuss" where to go and what to do and reach zero agreement.  I say..."let's go to ______" (insert favorite tropical beach city here) and he says "oh that sounds great they have a volcano there that we can climb and it only takes 7 days." 

This got me thinking that we may have a reality TV show on our hands.  We could pick an exotic location and show all the best places to get a tan, where the best margaritas are sold, and the best place to get knock off shoes at a fraction of the cost as well as the best hiking treks, what bugs we can eat, how to start a fire in the rain, and other wilderness adventures.  I completely draw the line at carrying out everything (by everything...I do mean EVERYTHING!!!) You see, half the fun would be in showing how super hot hubby and I could compromise and both of us would be happy with the vacation.  Now, I clearly have a flare for being on TV but, my super hot hubby???  Not so much...so I would need to hire an "actor" to play him.  Now, who could that be??  I am thinking...oh, I don't know...someone like Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon, or ________ (insert any man that is in the acting business with six pack abs here)???  Any of those will do so, if anyone has connections with any actors let me know and maybe I could contact them to see if they would be interested.