Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Hola Senor Frogs

Now, this may come as quite a surprise to you but my mother was in Mexico last week. Apparently she felt comfortable enough to take a cruise down there even though there is some violence and muggings and kidnappings going on. Rest assured, she would peek her head out of the gangway of the ginormous ship to see if it was safe...and then and ONLY THEN, she would proceed with caution and not trust anyone.

She dawned her Hawaiian shirt, capris, sandals and fanny pack and headed into the port towns in search of the best deals available to tourists (oxymoron, I know). Low and behold, in Cabo she came across the authentic Mexican hangout of Senor Frogs. If anyone went to college in California (or in my case, went to high school in California) has been to Senor Frogs. This is spring break on crack in Mexico. Lots of underage drinking, bikinis, and tequila. Somewhere along the way, my mom ended up in this establishment and let me assure you she is NOT in college nor is she on spring break. She tells me that she "ended up in a conga line." Huh? How do you just end up in conga line? No idea....Then she says "and every time the conga line passed this guy, he squirted stuff in my mouth." This absolutely freaked me out on many levels: 1. What is he squirting in her mouth? 2. WHAT IS HE SQUIRTING IN HER MOUTH??? Even when I asked her if it was tequila, her response was..."I don't know." How do you NOT know if it is tequila? I played through this whole scenario in my mind and at the conclusion of this train wreck I see my mom...face down on the table at Senor Frogs wearing a sarape, a sombrero and her fanny pack. Let's just hope that didn't happen.

Monday, May 10, 2010


These five words are often muttered by ever single mother. The words begin with a sweet rolling off the tongue...something like "Honey, mommy is on the phone, I will help you in a minute." As the child persists that he or she has an absolute emergency that must be tended to at THIS VERY MOMENT the words become a bit more harsh...something like "Yes, I know your sister pulled your hair and I know you didn't like it but, I really think you can work this out with her." At this very moment, it is easy to get pulled into a conversation with the sad eyed child standing before you but, don't be fooled. There is absolutely nothing that can be worked out at this moment in time...whatever you say to this sweet child will inevitably be the exact opposite of what he or she would like to see happen so this would be followed up with more talking, sometimes yelling and always tears. It is best to just stick to the script of "Mommy, is on the phone and unless you are bleeding PROFUSELY (very important to include profusely because he or she will show you all scabs and what might be a speck of dried blood) you need to let mommy talk." Also, important to cover what profusely means BEFORE getting on the phone as he or she will almost always ask for the definition of the word and possibly the root origin of it. This will not be the end of the conversation with the child...he or she will come back for more and it usually has something to do with they TRIED to work things out on their own but, they just couldn't do it. This is where things get dicey for most. Some quotes I have heard at this point while on the phone with other moms include but, are not limited to:

2. " Go to your room!"
3. "OK seriously, you need to stop talking to mommy right now or there will be a consequence."
4. "WHAT!!!"
5. "Why is your sister covered in toothpaste?"
6. "What on earth happened in here?"
7. "This is NOT ok."
8. "Do you see the phone that I am holding in my hand?"
9. "Did you lose an appendage? No...then we are done here."
10. "Why are you watching him go to the bathroom? I don't care that you have to go to, you should not be in the bathroom with your pants down together EVER!!!"


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

He is Down For The Count

So, super hot hubby has been complaining (and I mean complaining) about a pain in his abdomen...not his ass or his side (those would be me but, in his belly...k?) I told him a couple a months ago it was a hernia and he needed to have it checked. You know, with all my medical expertise and all, I am quite capable of self diagnosing...no really, I am!!! For two months, I have heard things like "It hurts after I run." uh DUH... and "I think it is a virus in my intestines." Ummmmm, NOOOOOOOO I said it was a hernia and, HELLLOOOO, of course it hurts when you run. GEEZ. So, he FINALLY went to the Dr. after two months of me telling him what it was and guess what? Yep, HERNIA!!!! Hmmmm...think I need to get myself a scalpel and just scrub in.

He has his surgery scheduled for between his trips...that is another post entirely...and he is getting stressed about it. He doesn't like needles, he doesn't like being put under, he doesn't like having surgery and he doesn't like the idea of a male Dr. handling his junk in any way shape or form. It didn't help matters when I told him I thought the Dr. was H-O-T nor did it help when I told him I could ask to observe the surgery nor did it help when I told him to make sure he wears comfortable, easy on pants. He asked me why that would be important and I didn't hesitate for a second when I said..."Oh when you wake up to them trying to put your pants on you, you might think you are in the frat house again or something." Ya, not really the best thing to say on so many levels. My bad.