Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Such Simple Creatures

A long weekend hanging around the house leads to long thoughts about random nonsense.  I have been married to super hot hubby for 10 years (Yes, I deserve a medal or diamonds or something) and he has yet to respond to my nonsense in an appropriate way.  For all the men out there (super hot hubby)...let me break this down for you, k?  

Scenario 1:
When your wife says to you, "Is there anything you would like to do today?"  You can respond with "There is some yard work I would like to do and I would like to have a little break today."  This will certainly get you a kick in the balls.  OR you can respond with the non ball kicking answer of..."Oh, honey, you work so hard all week long and you have the kids so much, you should rest while I take the kids on an excursion that you certainly would not want to go on."   See how simple that is????

Scenario 2:
When your wife has a half day and comes home to find you on the couch sleeping....your response should be, "Oh, I was up so late last night, I couldn't sleep, I was just looking at you and thinking about how lucky I am to have you for my wife."   Again...simple???  I think so.  The response should NOT include:  "Damn honey, why are you home?  Oh ya, I forgot you were coming home early today."  

Scenario 3:
Super hot hubby asks the little woman..."What would you like for dinner tonight?"  and she responds with "Oh, I don't really care."  This one is kinda tricky...because we do care and not just what is for dinner.  We care about what you come up with as a suggestion for dinner.  You really can't win on this one fellas so...sorry.  If you respond with something healthy and balanced, she will think you are calling her fat.  If you respond with something just to die for fattening...she will think you don't really care about how she looks anymore...ya, you are on your own on this one. 

Scenario 4:
This is a big one...If your wife ever utters words such as these I am about to reveal...the answer is ALWAYS the same.  No matter how she phrases it...does not matter.   She says, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" or "Do these pants make my butt look big?" or "Does this dress show my back fat?"  "Do my underarms jiggle when I wave hello?" "Are my boobs getting saggy?"  "Do I have cellulite on the back of my legs?"  We all know there are several variations to this question but, I think you get the jist.  The ONLY response that will not get a woman thinking of a swift kick to the groin is "No...you look fantastic.  There is no way anyone would ever think you look fat."  Now, it is not only the words that you must say but, you must be looking in her direction as you say them and what ever you do...do NOT hesitate on the response.  GEEZ gentlemen....we are such simple creatures.  

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Mom takes on Manhattan

Stay tuned...that is right she is in the Big Apple and apparently getting a subway pass to see all the sights of the city. I am worried for those around her since she will most likely get lost and go all crazy on people when they think it is funny to give a tourist wrong directions.  How will they know she is a tourist you may be asking???  Well, she is the one wearing capris, I heart NY t-shirt and the Statue of Liberty foam crown and let us not forget that she is carrying post it notes to report any suspicious activity.  I really do feel for the city of NY right now. Hang in there New Yorkers and please do not hold me responsible for her behavior.  

Monday, May 18, 2009

Not Me Monday!!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I was NOT been very busy last week as super hot hubby was on a work vacation so there are so many things that I did NOT do!!!! 

1.  I did NOT stop to think if it would be ok for the kids to have a Slurpee for dinner one night.  Now, in my defense, it was very hot and we needed something to cool down AND I figured that if we got a fruit flavored it may suffice.  I did NOT think about it for a while and I did NOT ask the kids their opinion on this as anyone with a brain knows that the kids would say it would be ok.  

2. I did NOT freak out when my oldest daughter was hit with a rocket (baseball) in her eye.  My freak out was NOT the fact that I figured she was going to be discolored or swollen...it was based solely on the fact that we would be making, yet another, trip to the ER and I just didn't want to go back there two weeks after our last trip and see the same people.  I mean what would people think???  I am quite certain they would remember us too as my youngest daughter was trying to sit on the doctors chair and simply running amuck.  I figured if they saw us coming again they would lock the door and turn off the lights so, I was pleased to no end when we realized we wouldn't have to go.  

3.  I do NOT think that my daughters eye is the most beautiful shade of purple and I am NOT so proud of her for wanting to go back out and play ball on Tues night. I mean, really, what parent would want their kid to go back out to the same sport that she was so terribly injured at???  That would be so mean.  

4.  I am NOT even more proud of her for trying to match her dress to the shade of her eye.  I am NOT thinking I have the toughest little girl in the whole world with the most amazing tenacity that it makes me want to cry!!! 

5.  I am NOT going to post a picture of her eye since I said I would never post any pictures of my kids on my blog.  If I did post a picture of her eye...it would NOT look like this and it would NOT make me smile to know that behind that discolored eye lid is the most beautiful eye with a twinkle in it that I love to see. 

6.  It is NOT family game night...Help me...enough said!!! 


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

In The Trenches

Today, was the most bizarre day at work I have ever encountered.  Super hot hubby is gone on a trip right now and I am single parent for 4 days...let me rephrase that....a semi tipsy single parent since I can't seem to make it through an evening without some sort of alcohol. This morning I had the joy of taking a kid home from school that had been suspended.  I had to go to his house first (no working phone number there) and make sure it was ok for me to bring him home in my car.  The boys "Auntie" wanted to ride with me so that she could give him a piece of her mind.  When she got into the car, I realized she was wearing some cheap ass perfume (by ass, I mean it smelled like ass covered up with perfume).  I was concerned for my shiny, pretty new truck but, figured it would air out. Auntie and I chatted about kids and life in general and I found myself thinking..."Auntie is pretty cool, I kinda want to hang out with her."  

We arrive at the school and by this time the boys brother was in trouble and they both needed to be taken home.  She lights those boys up within two seconds of stepping into the office.  She went about her business of signing behavior reports and getting them signed out of school and never stopped yelling at them.  The entire ride home was spent with the boys in the back seat, staring out the window and Auntie continuing to yell.  No one was listening at this point and she was going on and on about "why you boys are acting like foos?"  Yes, there is no L in fool these days.  The best part was, when I returned to school, I called my friend counselormama who is also an elementary counselor and she says and I quote...

"I bet I can guess what she was yelling in the car the whole way home."   Game on!!!  So, she says..."Boy, if you were mine, we wouldn't even be havin' this talk because I would whoop your ass and Boy, why you actin' all a foo at school?  and Boy, your mama didn't raise no foo so why you actin' like one?  and Boy, why your school have to call me and make me come to the school with this lady to pick your sorry ass up?"  This was, pretty much to a T, the way the conversation went down in the car.   Counselormama=1 Seriously? = 0.  While 99% of what "Auntie"  was saying was in the form of a question...She, in no way shape or form, wanted any type of answer.  

This is just one tiny thing that happened today...not to mention the freakin band that has moved onto Mary had a little lamb and our new student that wants to "kick the crap out of people"  all the time and he is addicted to playing his air guitar and singing Iron Maiden at the top of his lungs and the 6th grade boy that showed up to school in an authentic COUNTY JAIL shirt with a prisoner number and he didn't understand why I would make him take it off.  And people wonder why elementary schools need a counselor??? 

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mothers Day!!

Even though I often will poke fun at my mother, I love her more than anything.  She raised me to be a doting mom to my own kids and taught me keep my eyes out for suspicious activity at all times.  Growing up in a family oriented area of Southern California, we often times would ride bikes up to the local strip mall by ourselves for an ice cream cone.  Life was good.  My Mom was at EVERY one of my sporting events...softball, basketball, volleyball.  She attended drama productions and campfire girls.  I never doubted how much she loved me (except for the time she chased me around with a wooden spoon that I am quite certain I deserved).  

One of the things that I loved about being her daughter was she LOVED everything I did.  Seriously...EVERYTHING.  My sister and I had the chore of making dinner one night a week for the family.  We would make such dinners as mac and cheese, chili bili's (tortilla chips, chili and cheese...an old ball park favorite), and spaghetti.  As we would sit down to dinner, my mom would act as if it was the best chili bili she had ever had.  It always made me so happy.  She let us try so many things and believed in a "do it yourself" type way of learning.  I wanted to make cookies with a friend one time and she let us go to town in the kitchen.  We ended up dumping all the flour in at once and when we turned on the mixer it all went flying...we were covered in white.  We all laughed so hard...including my mom.  She let me make my own Halloween costume of R2D2 and I was so proud of that costume.  It was actually quite pathetic but, she was so proud of me for doing it mostly by myself.  

Being a mom now, I realize how much she did for me as a child.  She stayed home with my sister and I and asked us everyday after school how our day was.  She took care of me when I was sick. She drove us around to our many activities. She was a room mom. She let us have sleep overs.  She made us cookies.  She taught us how to swim.  I could go on and on...but, the most important thing she taught me was how to be a great mom to my own kids.  For that, I thank her from the bottom of my heart.  I love you, Mom!!!! 

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Family Freakin' Game Night

Super hot hubby and I decided to step up our game of implementing an fun filled evening of board games with the kids one night a week.  Now, this is also in conjunction with baseball practice and two baseball games a week, ballet, homework, birthday parties, play dates, etc.  The introduction of this night comes on the heels of the fact that super hot hubby and I did not do a birthday party for either one of the kids this year.  While we differ in opinion on this (and we all know who is right)...the kids keep asking about a party.  I am NOT feeling like the mother of year right now so, let's start having more family fun time to make us feel closer.  

While it all sounds good...we all know that it didn't go well (hence the post).  We decide to let the youngest person pick the game and next week, the next youngest and so on.  My youngest is freshly 4 years old and doesn't have the best sportsmanship skills.  We are working on it.  She chooses Mickey's Clubhouse Yahtzee which sounds fun right?  

First game goes well..no major problems...second game...not so well.  My four year old begins to whine in a voice that I only thought dogs and parents can hear.

"I want to go first."  
"You got to go first last time...let's give someone else a turn to go first." 
"I don't want to...that's not fair."
"If you are going to cry, then you can go to your room."
"I don't want to go to my room."
"Then stop whining."

Game 3...we pushed it on this one.  

"I don't want to only have two Mickey's"
"Well, that is the way the game goes."
Putting her head down on the table to pout (which infuriates me)
"Shall we skip your turn then."
She rolls the dice and the dice go flying all over the table and floor...again infuriates me.
"You need to pick them up."
She picks them up and rolls them again...now she begins to bang the yahtzee cup on the table.
"You need to choose what you are rolling for and please stop banging on the table."
"Well, I am thinking"  (with MAJOR attitude and eye roll)
She is four, people...FOUR!!!  OMG...roll the freakin dice or I am going to lose it here.  Now, I put my head down and proceed to bang my head on the table.
Final roll...all dice go flying...OMG...who's idea was this?? 
When she puts her playing piece on the board...she purposefully knocks all the other pieces off.  AGAIN...I am infuriated. 

At the end of the game...she is upset because she got 13 and someone else got 16 and she is adamant that 13 is more than 16 so that she would win.  

Glad we implemented that fun filled evening...Good times!!!