Sunday, April 26, 2009

Travel Buddy

Super hot hubby and I went out for a nice dinner the other night sans kids and we came up with a great idea for a new job.  Not that either of us is looking for a new job but, we had an idea none the less.  

Prior to getting married, super hot hubby and I loved to travel.  We still love to travel but, we have very different styles of traveling.  My idea of a vacation is sitting on a warm beach, sun, drinks, and hot cabana boys.  His idea of a vacation is a trek through some wilderness carrying everything on your back for four days.  I lured him in with two backpacking trips while we were dating and now I say NO MORE (sucker)!!! Throw a couple of kids in the mix and he is lucky if he gets a hike out of me. Whenever we try to plan a trip we inevitably "discuss" where to go and what to do and reach zero agreement.  I say..."let's go to ______" (insert favorite tropical beach city here) and he says "oh that sounds great they have a volcano there that we can climb and it only takes 7 days." 

This got me thinking that we may have a reality TV show on our hands.  We could pick an exotic location and show all the best places to get a tan, where the best margaritas are sold, and the best place to get knock off shoes at a fraction of the cost as well as the best hiking treks, what bugs we can eat, how to start a fire in the rain, and other wilderness adventures.  I completely draw the line at carrying out everything (by everything...I do mean EVERYTHING!!!) You see, half the fun would be in showing how super hot hubby and I could compromise and both of us would be happy with the vacation.  Now, I clearly have a flare for being on TV but, my super hot hubby???  Not so I would need to hire an "actor" to play him.  Now, who could that be??  I am thinking...oh, I don't know...someone like Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon, or ________ (insert any man that is in the acting business with six pack abs here)???  Any of those will do so, if anyone has connections with any actors let me know and maybe I could contact them to see if they would be interested.  

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Raise A Quiet Hand If You Know The Answer...

I have not updated y'all on my running status and I know you are on pins and needles wondering if I am still doing it.  I am still running 3-4 times a week and still hating every minute of it...literally, hate it.  This is not the reason for this post.  You see, I would have thought that by now I would either enjoy the running, or would have quit, or would have dropped those pesky pounds from pregnancy (4 years ago but, whatever).  None of those have happened yet.  I was chatting with super hot hubby yesterday about the status of my running and how I would have thought I would be much farther along in the process by now.  I told him that I thought I would have an easier time running (or at least less swearing and hatred)  if I lost a little bit of weight. Now, we have been married for almost 10 years and I would THINK that he would know I was lobbing one right over the plate with this one....I figured he would knock it out of the park but, instead he says..."Ya, it is easier for me when I lose some weight too."  WTF?!?!?  I am really asking here people...what would have been the appropriate answer? 

Monday, April 20, 2009

Does History Repeat Itself?

Four days with my mom is good and bad.  Good because I love her dearly but, bad because I see how I will inevitably end up in my life.  I have no idea where her paranoia about being kidnapped has come from but, it has set up camp in my mothers mind and refuses to leave.  I have never been kidnapped, she has never been kidnapped, no one we know has ever been kidnapped but, it is a real thought process for her that this IS going to happen to someone.  She is always on alert, looking for anyone who is a kidnapper or a potential kidnapper.  I just don't get it.  She is really interested in the new Nissans because apparently they have a release latch on the inside of the trunk...ya know, just in case you end up in there and can't get out.  For example, you are playing around with your friends and wondering if you can fit in the trunk or if you are kidnapped and stuffed in the trunk and driven to the deep woods (choice number 2 is such the obvious one to choose).   She currently drives a Jeep Cherokee and I often wonder what she would do if she was kidnapped and put in the back of the car.  Don't you think all she would have to do is sit up and be the freak show that she is and someone would see her?  Where as with the release...she must time her escape with the pulling the latch at the correct time and jumping to freedom.  

She is concerned about her cell phone when it turns on as well.  Apparently, it makes a noise (as all cell phones do) when it is turned on.  I am not sure why she doesn't keep it on unless she is concerned about the battery dying and what would be worse than being stuffed into your own trunk with a dead cell phone?  As this CSI episode that is my mother plays in my mind, I can't understand why she would have her cell phone in the trunk with her.  Would any kidnapper allow her to grab her purse as she heads to the trunk?   "Please...can I just take this ginormous purse with me to the trunk?  It doesn't have anything in it but, I may need my lipstick....Thanks"  

This would be an actual conversation once she dialed 911:

911:  Hello, 911, what is your emergency?
mom:  static...static....static
911:  Hello?  What is your emergency?
mom:  Can you hear me?  Can you hear me?  
911:  yes, ma'am what is your emergency?
mom:  static...static...hello?  Can you hear me now?  giggle giggle  (she loves those commercials) 
911:  HELLOOOO!!!
mom:  I must be in some dead spot...anyway, can you send a car over, I am in the trunk of my own car but, I am totally prepared to be in here.  I have snacks, phone, lipstick, etc. Could you call my daughter and tell her I said....I TOLD YOU SO!!!  

Friday, April 17, 2009


My mom has been here for less than 24 hours and I already have some material for a good post.  I will just give you a glimpse as to what I have dealt with the last day. I will remind you that I had to go to work today so, I was away from her for 7 hours. 

1.  Apparently she would like to buy a new car because of a special safety feature...let's just say it has something to do with being kidnapped.
2. She went on a bike ride and there were no emergency vehicles called but, she enjoyed using her "dirt bike" on the American River Bike Trail (cement) dirt path.
3.  Her cell phone is too loud when it turns on and she may need to get a new one for safety reasons...again back to the kidnapping. 
4.  oh yes, and apparently she went off on someone at Mammoth Mountain since there were panties hanging in a tree for all to see.  It IS a family resort and all...

There are four more days of this...I will pick and choose what I post so I don't want to overwhelm you (as I usually am when it comes to her). 

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Helmet Time

My ridiculously crazy mother is coming up this weekend (and YES, I will be sure to fill you in on all of her antics and NO, she is not driving the golf cart up 400 miles to visit).  I was chatting with her on the phone a few days ago and we were discussing her trip up and maybe her and I going skiing for a day.  She started to talk in a pitch that I only hear when she is concerned (by concerned, I mean paranoid) about me.  I shared with her that I have been taking the girls skiing with me and  how much they love it and go straight down the hill with no turns (mistake #1).  She interrupts me to find out if they are wearing helmets.  Ummm, Ya, of course they are wearing helmets.  I am beginning to see where this is going and I try to change the subject quickly (mistake #2).  "Mom, ya, know what happened at school?" "Mom, umm, I need your advice about something."  "Mom, could you tell me a story about when I was born?" "Mom, don't freak out but, I am sure someone just broke into my house and is going to kidnap me." Nothing could get her off of my safety while skiing.

"You wear a helmet, right?"
"ummm, well, I would wear a helmet if I was skiing with another person that was over the age of 7 but, mom, I just stay on the beginner runs and I don't go fast and...."  (mistake #3)
"WHAT????  Wait, you don't wear a helmet?  I wear a helmet you should wear a helmet."
Oh God it comes...don't say it, don't say it...
"You could die ya know, if you hit your head.  Do you not love your kids enough to wear a helmet?"
Yes, pick your jaws up off the keyboard...she actually said those words.  The funny thing about all this is I have been looking for a helmet and have every intention of buying one now that my kids love to ski and I would rent one if I was going with another adult and would be skiing on any runs besides beginner runs.  

My lovely mother has told me that she is buying me a helmet when she comes up and I am to wear it while skiing all the time.  I think I am going to take it one step further and wear it just ALL THE TIME!!!  I will photograph myself sitting on a park bench in the helmet, driving in my car in the helmet, watching tv in the helmet, etc.  I know I turn into a child when things like this happen but, I LOVE IT!!!  (mistake #4)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Spring Break is over...Thank God!!!

I swear Spring Break was created by childless teachers who only want to get away from the kids at school and take a much needed vacation to the mountains or to Mexico. There are a few of us that work in a school AND have kids of our own.  I didn't think that all the way through now did I?  Those that have their own children will totally understand this when I say it...a week is too long!!!  Feel me Dawg?  No baseball practice, no homework, no dance class, no self control (kids or me), I could go on and on.  I am actually happy to go back to work tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my kids in the summer.  I can get into a routine with them and we have activities to do all the time.  This last week was especially brutal since it rained a few days.  I have never said these phrases so much in all my life:

1.   Stop it.
2.  Leave your sister alone.
3.  Stop touching her.
4.  Stop looking at her.
5.  If you stop looking at her she will stop touching you.
6.  Your attitude needs to change.
7.  I am going crazy.
8.  Why are you doing that?
9.   Stop copying her.
10.  Stop copying me. 
11.  OMG...Go talk to Daddy.
12. Mommy needs a very long time out.

For the first time all school year...I will be early to work and happy to be there.  

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter Tradition

Last year I began a tradition with my girls and I want to share it with you all.  I am all about traditions and I love passing things down from one generation to the next.  It doesn't even have to be big things like baking Christmas cookies (which, of course, I do) or making home made jam (check).  I am the proud mother of two delightful girls. They like most girly type things...dolls, hair bows, and dresses but, they are also quite tomboys.  They are often found climbing in the trees or slopping in the mud.  I was thrilled when they were all excited about the Easter Bunny giving their dolls a tea party.  Someone had told me about this and she actually did it with her two boys and they LOVED it!!!  Try it y'all...I swear it is fun.  You put out a cute little placemat or small blanket and set out either your best china (which I do NOT) or the kids tea set (much better).  You gather up their favorite dolls, animals, bunnies and place them around the mat.  The fun is in the finding the tea party.  We hide it somewhere in the house and it is never in the same spot.  I think my kids love it more than the plastic eggs filled with candy.  Happy Easter!!! 

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Why Must My Kids Embarrass Me So????

I have no idea what happened in the gene pool between my husband and I.  Our first daughter is delightful, sweet, caring, quiet, clean, smart, etc.  I thought that when we had our second daughter, life would be blissful...filled with ribbons, cute dresses, quietness, sweetness, lollipops, sugar and spice and everything nice.  Wow, is this a wake up call or what?   Now, my youngest daughter is only 4 so, I am hoping she grows out of this phase but, she has been a little on the wild side since...well, since exiting my body.  As an infant, she rarely slept, she would make noises just to hear herself, and the louder the noises the better.  She CANNOT sneak anywhere and she is in constant motion and noise soon follows.  She cranks it up a notch whenever she meets new people or there are cute little boys around.  Imagine my horror when I took her out to eat when I was meeting an old friend from high school and his two boys.  

We hadn't seen each other in 20 years.  I LOVE seeing people that I knew as a child and meeting their families.  It is so interesting to me to see their kids and how their lives have turned out.  We had plans to ski with our kids together in Tahoe for a day and unfortunately we ended up at two different ski resorts.  We decided to meet for a quick bite to eat before they had to go.  Now, taking my kids in public is a gamble in and of itself but, a restaurant is almost always a sure fire scene.  After introductions and 30 youngest becomes this Tazmanian Devil that cannot be contained.

"Mommy I need more water."
"But you have water."
"But I need more...I am so thirsty."
"Finish the water you have and I will give you more."
Volume is increasing with each exchange.
"But, I am really thirsty and I am going to drink all of that water and I need more."
Trying to keep it peaceful..."OK"  I give her water.
"Mommy, you know what?"
Oh crap...OMG, what is she going to say? Please, don't let it be something about my period.  Ignore, ignore, ignore...
"Mommy, you know what?" (even louder, cannot ignore anymore)
"Mommy, BOO"
"Ummm, OK, I was not scared by that."
"Really? BOO!!!"
"Oh OK, now that scared me."
I am really hoping the food comes quickly at this point...I am thinking why must she behave like a heathen in front of my high school friend.
THEN she breaks into song...
"Sigmund the Sea Monster and Johnny and Scott are friends." 
She then explains the plot line of this horrible 70's show that I used to watch as a child.
"Johnny and Scott find this sea monster and they are friends."
Back to the song now..."Sigmund the Sea Monster..."
I am dying at this point...I tell her to "turn down the volume."
"But, I don't have a volume button, Mommy."
CLEARLY, you do not my sweet girl.  I wouldn't trade her for anything...well...umm, no, I wouldn't trade her for anything.  

Friday, April 3, 2009

Caffeine Filled Day

I got up at the crack of butt this morning to go for a run and really was dragging.  I needed an extra cup of coffee this morning just to get my tired rear out the door.  I got to work and I am needed to take a kid home by 8:45 AM so, I head over to his house to see if anyone is home.  Of course, there isn' on my way back, I realize I need gas so I stop to fill er up and I need cash so I decide to get a soda and get some cash back.  For those of you keeping this point, 1 soda, 3 cups of coffee.  By 10:30 my principal is asking, demanding and begging me to take some forms over to the district office so, I say "hell ya"  on the inside (gets me off campus and away from the craziness that exists there) but, I actually say "Well, ya, I guess I can go over there quickly."   While driving back, I decide I am craving and must have a Marbucks doughnut...well, I can't get a doughnut and NOT get coffee and do I think to get decaf??  NO, of course not!!!  Score = 1 soda, 4 cups of coffee, 5 bites of doughnut and the thought that I should go back and get another one since I didn't even enjoy it with my coffee.  

Now, when I return to my office I can hardly contain myself, I can't sit still for any length of time, I am talking a mile a minute, I can't shut up. I figured I would crash and crash hard at some point during the day.  I must have looked like the energizer bunny at the peak of the caffeine explosion (just keeps going and going and going and going) which occurred sometime around 1:00 when all the kids got out of school, the police arrived, an angry parent comes and demands to talk to me, two kids missed the bus, etc...I needed one more caffeine jolt to get me through the day.  By the end of it all, the score was...2 sodas, 5 cups of coffee, 1 Marbucks doughnut and a caffeine induced coma at about 4:00 PM.