Friday, July 30, 2010

It is Looming Over Me Like a Ton of Bricks

It is THAT time of year again....I begin to see backpacks in the store...let me rephrase that...I NOTICE backpacks in the stores again. They put those buggers out before school even gets out sometimes but, I never notice them until I realize we are almost there. The first day of school is rapidly approaching. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't is like the mice or rats that live somewhere in everyone's attic. No seriously...the air conditioning guy told me that EVERYONE has mice or rats..and I was all.."uh no, we don't" and he was all "I have never been in a house that didn't and I have been doing this for 26 years" and I was all..."well, maybe I will be your first" and he was all.."I don't think so." BASTARD and then we didn't hire, we don't have any mice or rats. PHEW....

Back to the first day of school, I actually love the first day of school...I really do. The kids are so freakin excited and everything is new and fresh. I remember my parents buying me my Trapper Keepers and getting them all organized and laying out my clothes the day before. As a counselor, I can pretty much be assured that it is the ONLY day we have zero behavior problems. Most teachers won't send kids on the very first day and most kids behave at least on the first day...right? I am starting a new school next year and I am so excited. Working with middle school kids is a challenge but, they are so much easier then the itty bitty guys. Their issues seem bigger but, they are easier to deal with. The little guys would take an hour just to get them to stop crying only to hear them say that "Chamapagne (a real name...seriously) hit me and we were friends and now she doesn't like me." An hour? Really? "Give her a few days sweetie she will come is a sticker and I will see you in a few days." Counseling skills at it's finest, don't you think? With middle school kids they really do want my help (for the most part) and their problems usually involve a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent or teacher, in order of importance. I can handle a friend issue, break up drama, parents bugging them and teacher giving them a bad grade all in one hour or less. Mostly because they talk so fast but, whatever....I get the job done.

So, the first day of school is just around the corner and the idea of starting all over with a new staff and new kids is a bit overwhelming. I can only be charming and sweet for so long, you know? I am already thinking about what great thing I did over the summer to share with the staff on the first staff day. Needs to be super cool but, not showy...first impressions are sometimes tough to overcome. I still have a few more days of summer bliss but, it is lurking...I just know it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I am Riding my Theory Train all the Way to the Today Show

I have a theory...a GOOD theory. I do believe it will get me on Oprah someday...ok, maybe not Oprah but, maybe The Today Show or something. I do LOVE Matt Lauer...if your reading Matt, I would happily come on your show. So, I have been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs. Marriage is tough and people don't realize this prior to saying their "I do's". If I would have known what I know now, I still would have married Super Hot Hubby (what can I say...I was drunk) but, I certainly would have had a different perspective. You see, I have been fighting the "system" for 10 years thus wreaking havoc on my life. I am here to enlighten you all with my words of wisdom and to save all the marriages of the world.

My theory is quite easy and can be broken down into 2 categories....A. Men are simple and B. Women are mean. Easy Peasy, right? Now, I know my readers are predominantly women so all the women out there that just gasped at the very thought of being mean just close your mouth and let me explain. Now, men are sooooooo simple, seriously, come on now ladies we all know that for men it is about the sex. Super hot hubby denies this and says it is about the intimacy and not NECESSARILY the sex..I know, made me laugh too. To that, I say...BULL. It is ALL about the sex for men. "When am I going to get it?" "What do I have to do to get it?" "I did this last week and I got sex and now nothing...what gives?" See? Men want to make their wives happy...they really do. I used to think super hot hubby wanted to piss me off...sometimes I think he really does but, for the most part they want to make us happy...(as long as it involves sex).

Now, women KNOW this information (although we deny knowing it and want to believe men when they say "awww honey I understand, let's just snuggle" knowing that we have only pacified the beast) and yet, we use that very thing that men want most as a weapon. We women believe if we with hold the one most important thing to men, they will do what we want them to do. Here is where it gets see? Men never know what we want and honestly, they never will. Women keep switching things up on them. What got men sex last week no longer works...see? MEAN!! And we expect them to KNOW what we want even though we have changed it all up on them.

So, Yes, Women are mean and men want sex but, here is where my theory comes to fruition ( I have always wanted to use that word...there you have it...fruition). I BELIEVE that all it takes is one month. Those that are willing to try this out...I need feed back. So, men that are reading (two of you? How ever many there are out there) you are to be extremely nice to your women, no matter what they throw at you (words or dishes or whatever). One month of doing exactly as they want you to do. When they snap at just apologize and tell them "Yes, honey, I will take the kids out for a little bit so you can sit and watch Bachelorette" Throw in an "I love you" every now and then. Here is the kicker...ready? You do all this with expecting NOTHING in return. I believe that it will take only a couple of weeks before a woman realizes that her man is really wanting to make her happy and she will give up all the goods willingly and happily.

Now for the women? I ain't gonna lie...this will not sound like a good theory but, trust me...try it. You must "be intimate" whenever he wants it. You must act like you want to do this (I KNOW..sounds crazy but, just do it) and take all anger, rage, resentment, etc. out of the act and just do it. I, again, think it will take only a couple of weeks before you have him taking out the garbage and washing the dog without being asked...ok, got a little carried away there but, he will do whatever you need to make you happy. I really believe that men want their wives to be truly happy but, it is a vicious circle here people. Someone must break the cycle so, I throw down the gauntlet to all my readers (and Matt Lauer)...give it a whirl and report back as to how things are going.