Saturday, July 25, 2009

Step right up

I know all of you out there have been to one of the rinky dink traveling carnivals that pop up in the parking lots of your local strip mall.  Last night I had the pleasure of taking the family to one of these and it was fun yet quite scary. Some "interesting" people work at these carnivals and even more "interesting" people attend them.  We witnessed an argument between two of the of which was working at the dart booth (YIKES...not really the person I would choose to pick a fight with). She ended up walking away to go have a smoke...thank goodness.  You and I both know that she had thoughts of throwing that dart right between his eyes or a little further south of his eyes (if you get my drift).  There were two men walking around with their shirts their defense, it was hot but for the record I had my shirt on...I'm just sayin'.  These men had tattoos all over their backs, fronts, arms, necks, etc.  One had a pretty little sunshine around his belly button (which kinda confused me with the stark contrast between that and the scary dragon on his back).  He walked around the entire time smokin' and with his finger placed inside his betty button...why?  No idea but, it was SEXY!!!!  Booma chicka bow wow!!! We spent a crap load of money on rigged games and broken down rides and it only took us about 20 minutes and all we have to show for it is a stuffed monkey and a stuffed Nemo fish.  JEALOUS??? 

Monday, July 20, 2009

Not My Child!! Monday

Oh, that MckMama has gone and done it again.  She is asking us to post all about the things our children did NOT and would NOT ever do.  Play is fun and makes me feel so much better about my parenting techniques (or lack there of.)  Enjoy!!!

1.  My children are the most calm and delightful children you would ever see in public or at our house.  They do not spend days pulling each others hair, scratching each others eyes out, yelling, screaming or purposefully clothes lining each other.  I certainly have no reason to ever send them to their rooms "for a very long time."  

2.  I would NOT allow my children to go absolutely crazy at a wedding.  The craziness of all the other children may have involved an impromptu giant bean bag fight that looked a lot like sumo wrestling.  It was so embarrassing to watch other peoples kids behaving like such animals.  My children are much more classy than that.  

3.  I am quite certain, my children were the best behaved at the wedding and would never and I mean NEVER, poke the grandmother of the bride in the rear with a parasol that is to be used for shading the hot guests.  My children used the parasols as they were intended to be used and they would never use them as a sword, gun, Star Wars weapon, or poking device of any kind. 

4.  I would NEVER allow my child to run amuck in a grocery store only to hear a sweet little girls voice that kinda sounded like my child shouting "Mommy, don't you need these for your period?"  Huh?? What??? I wonder whose child that was doing that in the embarrassing!!!  Thank goodness that was NOT my child.  

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Is it so wrong...?

These are rhetorical questions that do not need any specific answers unless you have something to say about my wonderful parenting style, how incredibly hot I look in my jeans these days, or just something that will make me laugh...

1.  I woke up 10 minutes late this morning and missed my run with my running partner so, I took off on my own.  Is it so wrong, that I looked for my new friend, Olivia Newton John look a like, to be my pacer for my run or at least to stop and ask her some very important questions like "Why the hell are you chasing me?"  Is it really wrong that I was kinda sad that I haven't seen her since?  

2. It is still 94 freakin' degrees outside right now and it is 9:30 PM.  I do not live in the desert and I do believe this is very, very wrong.  

3. Is it wrong that I am wanting my mom to drink at an upcoming wedding so that she may act even more ridiculous than ever?  I have only drank with her one time and she was CRAZY!!!  So, imagine what would happen at a wedding with all of her family, and dancing, oh the dancing...I am so hooking her up with the Captain!!!!!  

4.  Is it so wrong that during a play date with 6 other children the parents and I (well, mostly me) decided we wanted to see how many kids could fit in the dog crate?  Is it wrong that I know it was 5?  Is it so wrong that I kinda wished we could leave a few in there for a while...for goodness sake, there were 8 of them and only 3 of us.  We were outnumbered!!!  

Sunday, July 12, 2009

One of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here...

Yesterday, I attended the best kids birthday party EVER!!  We are invited every year to this party and the kids love it and so do I.  The parents live in this great house with a ginormous game room...complete with air hockey, a pool table and darts.  Now, I can kick ass in air hockey although I usually have to play with my kids but, I kick their ass none the less.  There is an awesome pool that is heated to just the right temperature and a retaining wall that the kids can jump off of and into the pool.  They almost always get some sort of blow up bounce house type of fixture.  This year was an inflatable water slide...last year a real mechanical bull!!!  They have it catered with great food and usually have rented margarita maker that contains some sort of adult beverage (strawberry daquiris this year).  Lots of beer, wine, cake, the works.  Too bad I have given up drinking so that I can drop a few pounds before my triathalon or  I would have been face up and mouth open on that daquiri maker. 

This great party comes at a huge price though.  While it is so fun and wonderful, the attendees at the party are ALWAYS in string bikinis, overpriced sunglasses, and designer cover ups.  I am telling you, the best looking people to congregate in one location.  I feel like the ugly friend that is always tagging along with "in" crowd.  I really don't understand it.  Lots of babies, and I mean babies (two weeks old) and their mothers are in tiny bikinis with no cellulite and no stretch marks.  How is this possible?   I watched as countless women came in holding their tiny babies while revealing their super model bodies.  They walk around in those skimpy bathing suits with a complete lack of regard for anyone staring at them (mainly I am the only one staring but STILL).  They do not need cover ups or to walk with their towel tied around their waists.  I am in a constant state of panic while at this party thinking "OMG, the backs of my legs are showing... I need to suck my stomach in... my youngest child is 4 years old not 4 hours old... my muffin top, oh the muffin top... do you think anyone noticed that I got my suit from Target?"  The men are easy on the eyes as well.  Nice looking, muscular, tan beach gods to put it simply.  I am quite certain that when we leave every year, all the people wonder..."Who was that older mom'ish type lady with two kids?"  I come home every year needing some sort of a self esteem boost from my super hot hubby who has never attended this party.  I kinda like it that way, so that I don't have to keep hitting him for staring at all the girls and he doesn't see my staring at the guys with the six pack abs.  

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Freaks Come Out at 6:00 AM

I have upped my workout schedule to 4 days a week in preparation for the triathalon that I stupidly agreed to do.  I continue to run at 6:00 AM two days a week with my ever so cheery neighbor and her dog and I continue to curse like a sailor and hate every minute of it.  This last week we had quite an adventure on our run in the morning.  We usually walk the first quarter mile to get warmed up and talk as fast as we can.  We also allow the dog to do his "business" since we are nice like that.  As we were walking the beginning of our run, we noticed a woman who appeared to be dressed similar to Olivia Newton John in her "Let's get Physical" video...You know the one?  Yes, with a head band and all.  Well, minus the leotard and add an oversized sweatshirt.   My philosophy when it comes to situations like this is to just look away and pretend like I don't see them. Unfortunately, with this philosophy I tend to miss a lot of ridiculous behavior.  This incident was no different.

As the freak of a woman was singing (loudly I might add) she noticed us and she started waving spastically in our direction.  Now, we have a dog with us so, I am thinking "She won't come near us with this vicious dog who is afraid of his own shadow, will she?"  Indeed she did.  She picked up the pace and started jogging in our direction all the while screaming at us and all I could understand was "HEY LADIES"  The rest was completely inaudible but, she continued to scream and jog.  My cheery running partner (who is freaking out at this point), says "We were going to run anyway so, let's just start running."  Off we go, thinking she will stop or show us some sort of missing appendage that needs medical attention as soon as possible.  Oh no, no, no,...she begins to pick up the pace even more.  At this point, we are sprinting and I mean SPRINTING like Flo Jo in the olympics.  The more my running partner turns around to see what she is doing, the more it eggs her on so she runs even faster and screams even louder.   She got within about 6 ft of me at one point but I am quite certain that her hangover or 3 day meth binge probably caught up with her and we left her in the dust.  As we rounded the corner and saw she stopped running, she was just jumping up and down as if she just won a medal and screaming..."YA, YA, YA, LADIES"  Huh?  What just happened? 

We spent the rest of the run in therapy discussing the events of what happened.  Wondering what her problem was? Why was she wearing a headband?  Why was she screaming at us?  How much Patron did she drink last night? How do you wake up and think....I feel like chasing someone?  The best part of this whole scene was when I told my super hot hubby what had happened his response was..."Well, that is part of it."  Come again....WTF? Part of what??? If this is part of running, I want absolutely NO part of it!!!  This crazy b#@*h could be my way out of this whole thing!!! 

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Aye, Aye, Captain

Contrary to what you might think...I have NOT been playing Wii for the last week.  I haven' seriously...I haven't.  I have been trying to settle into a nice routine of cleaning the house, swim play dates, and popsicles.  Let's be real, I have been breaking up fights over here, people!!!  Lots and lots of whining, hair pulling and everything short of scratching each others eyes out (the kids have been no picnic either).  When we have no plans, the devil himself resides in this house.  I know it...he is jump out at any given time.  I have had no time for  Wii nor for my new found love of crappy tv shows called "I didn't know I was pregnant."  

I actually took one night for myself and went up to the cabin to decompress and get energized.  It was lovely.  You see, I was melting here in the valley (literally melting at 108*) and it was a nice 80* degrees up there.  The last time I was up there I had a date with Mr. Patron that didn't go so well.  I spent the night agreeing to run in a triathalon, drinking with what I am quite certain were underage boys, playing pool (which I really suck at unless I am drunk), and watching in horror as my friend was making out with their dog.  This time...I broke up with Mr. Patron and moved on to the Capt.  Now, the Capt has been good to me over the years.  He brings back fond memories of relaxing on a dock with an ice cold drink in hand while watching the water skiers go by.  He is a nice I don't need to be dressed up for, can have a mellow evening with, a dinner and movie type date per say.   He was very sweet to me and treated me like the wonderful woman I am.  He did NOT leave me reeling the next day wondering "what the heck just happened and why am I sleeping next to this giant stuffed bear that looks like I won him at a carnival.  OMG...did I go to a carnival?  Was there someone named Herb involved in my evening?  Why do I have the sense that I went on a giant slip n slide? Why am I wearing different clothes and who's sombrero is that?"   Mr. Patron is dead to me and he will no longer have his way with me...I am stronger than him and his evil ways.  Man, I love that Patron, he really is unpredictable and fun.