Saturday, September 26, 2009

A Moment of Silence, Please...

I came home from work on Thursday and looked inside my mail box hoping to see some hot celebrity staring back at me. For those of you that follow my blog, you know that I am a regular reader of People magazine. I love everything about that magazine. I love the pictures, I love the articles, I love that they put celebrities in a positive light, they don't ever do pics about "botched boob jobs" or "whose giant ass is this?" So, much to my delight when I pull into the garage, I usually see two beautiful eyes staring back at me and I think for a second...Hmmm, I wonder is it Patrick Swayze or Kate Gosselin?

As I pulled in this last week and looked over to notice that no one was staring at me...I felt lonely. I then investigated my mail box a bit further to see a notice that my subscription had expired. It was a very sad day and I have been mourning this loss for a few days now. Please join me in a moment of silence at this time to remember...remember the lovely pictures, the wonderful articles, the crossword puzzle and the two beautiful eyes staring at me every Thursday.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes....and Adults

Sometimes the things people say amazes me. You would think by now, I would not be surprised anymore but, each time I am still shocked. Nowadays, it isn't just work things anymore....I am hearing more and more good stuff out of the mouths of my own children, myself, adults...

By my kids:

My youngest daughter has quite the personality and it exudes from her tiny body in a big way. My neighbors 7 year old boy was joking around and saying "Ouch I have a cramp near my nuts." My daughters response was...."Ya, that happens to me all the time." Huh? OK...interesting.

She decided to tell me one day that she has made a decision..."Mommy, I am not going to say please anymore." My response was, "OK" she reiterates with "No, I mean never!" How much energy and time does it take to say please? Apparently too much for a 4 year old...they are so busy, you know.

My youngest quoted me one time at the grocery store and decided to tell my oldest daughter to quit the sassiness but, instead it came out "Hey, your ass better not come out of your mouth." Wait...what did I just hear? I guess that isn't effective to say "that sass better not come out of your mouth anymore." Clearly, not the meaning I was going for.

By an adult:

While at the cabin, we were playing at the beach in the sand and the kids had made a giant hole in the sand. A friends boy was upset since my daughter was messing up his hole. So, I shout across the beach "Get out of his hole!" Ouch...that made me sound a bit Clampet like.

At work:

After every single recess, the yard duty tells the kids to "Grab your balls and put them on the ball cart." Oh dear, we all know this causes me to snicker...

I was looking at a referral for a 4th grade student brought into the office. I was reading what he actually did and I could not deal with his behavior. The referral said..."student called the teacher Mrs. fucking camel toe." Huh? What? How? I just could not get any words out that would be helpful, so I just passed it on...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

What I Have Learned.

Super hot hubby and I are celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last week...can I get a woot woot?!?!!!! When two people decide to enter into a marriage, their thoughts are blissful and loving. Check back 10 years later and see how that is working for them. So, I am going to preach to you....I mean tell you, all the things I have learned in my ten glorious years. Please, learn from my mistakes as it is time consuming and energy draining to keep doing the same annoying thing over and over again.

1. When super hot hubby is doing a "project" in the (insert any location here...i.e, garage, yard, kitchen, under the car etc.) and you hear a very loud crash followed by some screaming obscenities...please, don't go rushing out there to see how you can help. This only angers the beast. You must just sit back and go against everything your mind is telling you to do and wait...wait for him to come to you and say..."I think I cut my finger off, can you take me to the hospital?"

2. Don't ever think for one second that he knows what to say in any given situation. I found myself thinking "If he really knew me, he would know I got my hair cut today and it looks fabulous and he hasn't even noticed or commented on it and it really doesn't help to catch him staring at that girls ass." He really doesn't, seriously, he doesn't. After 10 years, I have resigned to the fact that he does not know and I must tell him what to say.

3. Which brings me to my next point, Don't think that because you tell him what to say it means any less. Super hot hubby really does think my ass looks great in my jeans, he just doesn't see the need to tell me 1,000 times...I mean, same jeans and same ass...why go over this again? is his thought process.

4. Be up front about your "moods". I will fire a "warning shot" when my mood is going south just to let him know. Now, he doesn't always hear the warning shot, in fact, he rarely does but, this is not my fault. I do my best to let him know that it is ok and actually preferred to stay away but, not too far away and to not talk to me but, talk to me all time and to compliment me lots but, not too much...

5. When I am craving and wanting something specific that is not organic or "good for me"...I must go get it myself. Don't ever send super hot hubby to the store to get me a malt balls crushed up in a tub of ice cream or send him to Marbucks for one of their donuts...if I need something specific...I must get it myself.

6. Do not resort to whining, crying, begging, sexual favors, or anything of the sort when you want an iphone and super hot hubby says "seems unnecessary to me." This gets you no where...I mean NO WHERE!!! In fact, I would say it even went in the other, super hot hubby most likely isn't reading this and if he is...stop reading right now but, forgiveness is easier than permission sometimes. I'm just sayin'...notice though that I still don't have my beloved iphone and have settled for an ipod touch. Same but, different.

7. Life is never fair. This is something I say frequently to my kids and I need gentle reminders every once in a while that this applies to me as well. Life is not fair when I am taking the kids to soccer practice and working and signing off homework and doing homework and simply running amuck yet, super hot hubby is asleep on the couch...Life just isn't fair sometimes.

8. Compromise is key...We need groceries to feed the children and he wants a new running shirt so we go to REI and get him a new running shirt and couple of Cliff Bars for the kids. See??? Everyone is happy and we met in the middle, Compromise...

9. Provide him with two delightful children so that he cannot leave as easily as he once thought he could. When those two delightful children act out and he gets angry with them...gently remind him that it was his sperm that created those little buggers and that you spent countless hours in agony and pain trying to get those demons out of your body through a hole that is not pleasant or fun to stretch that much. That usually shuts him up pretty quick.

10. Love him everyday...even when he gets on your nerves.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

19...and Counting

19 scoops of ice cream? 19 spiders found in my bathtub in one year? 19 times that my youngest child drives me crazy in a 24 hour period? 19 trips to soccer practice in one week? NOPE...none of those. I heard today through my new People app on my Ipod Touch (a whole 'nother post on how that came about) that the Duggars family is pregnant again and that will make 19 kids. How can this be? Well, I understand how it could be but, who in their right mind would want to do this? I only have two of them and I feel outnumbered five out of seven days a week.  Now, I am a mom with a lot of love to give my kids. I go to soccer games, I make matching hair rubber bands for their whole team, I tuck them in at night, I kiss them, I try not to scream at them (I said TRY), I let them eat ice cream and popsicles just because and I just can't even imagine how much my kids would lack from me having 17 more kids. 17!!! Let alone how my uterus or my body alone would take it. One of my friends referred to her as a clown just never know how many are going to come out of there and I could not agree more. By the 6th, those babies must just be flying out of her into a basket across the room...kinda like when you try to make a basket with a wadded up piece of paper from across the room. I would even imagine that they have the basket strategically located so that no one even needs to catch the baby. Now, I am not being all "judgy" on this family...I just know that my plate is full with my two, thank you very much.