Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I have started back to school and nothing provides me with more stories then working in a school. I used to think that elementary school was THE BEST place to get some funny stories but, I think the middle school exceeds my expectations. They keep me on my toes with the D-R-A-M-A. I had a young girl come in my office crying and so upset she could hardly talk. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was upset because she was absent from school the day before and she just found out that her best friend got a boyfriend and broke up with him and she wasn't "there for her" ...uh huh...I totally see why she was sooooo upset. Makes perfect sense...no?
Today I had the pleasure of meeting a young boy who believes he is a wizard. No really...an honest to goodness wizard. He is a sweet boy and I think I need to befriend him so that he doesn't put a spell on me. He was talking to me about what he likes about school and I was asking him about his friends. He stated he had no friends and this made me sad. I asked him why because he seemed like a nice enough kid (except for the wizardry and all that) and he told me he doesn't have friends because he doesn't brush his teeth. I was perplexed by this reasoning and I asked him...."Wait...what? or better yet why don't you brush your teeth?" His response? "Well, I don't like toothpaste and I end up spitting it all over the mirror." Oh right...I get it...wait...WHAT? Do you see the connection? Ya...me neither. I just told him not to lead with that information and he will be making friends in no time....or maybe he can just spell some kids into being his friend. Either way...it is going to be a fun year.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
1. Hydration is key. Don't be fooled into thinking that because you are drinking a beer chaser after a shot of Patron that you have fulfilled your water quota...even if it is Bud Light or Coors Light.
2. Tequila was my friend again for one night and one night only. I LOVE it but, it is like a one night stand....you wake up thinking "What the hell did I do?" Only to look over and see an empty Patron bottle...(hanging head in shame).
3. Don't underestimate the importance of comfortable shoes. Looking cute is NOT the most important thing in a pub crawl. The most important thing is to REMAIN on your feet and sometimes heels or high wedges hinder one's ability to remain upright.
4. Wear cute, somewhat new, and clean undergarments. We are all mom's and wives and sometimes...well, I don't put a lot of money or time into the undergarments anymore. Who cares....right? Well, when exiting the bathroom at the 6th bar it is imperative to ensure that your undergarments are in fact UNDER you clothes and not hanging out for all to see...Just sayin'. Of course, all the women told her that her bra was really pretty and wondered where she got it.
5. Five pubs....good...really, really good. Six pubs? Bad...very very bad. Pace yourself..don't go crazy at bar number 1....it is downhill from there.
6. Play the drinking golf game even if you don't get it. Adds some excitement to the evening. Lowest score wins....that is all you need to know.
7. There are some really weird people that hang out at bars at 3:00 in the afternoon. We are not those people since we just went that one time but, WOW!!! How do people get that drunk at 3:00...oh wait...my bad...moving on.
8. Always remember the extra credit points during the game. No injuries to self or others (otherwise you add 2 points...and yes we had injuries to others in a horrible angry pen incident).
9. I can hold my pee for a freakishly long period of time. While this may not seem overly amazing to anyone...us pub crawlers know it got me -4 points. I could have won the whole game but, sadly the shuffleboard was not my friend that night. What would I have won you might be asking? NOTHING...just the status of saying I won. All that pee holding for nothing? DANG...
10. Nothing says "pub crawl" like a 9:00 PM run in the pub crawl van to Taco Bell with 10 drunk people SCREAMING out their order. I didn't even order anything and somehow I ended up with a Nacho Supreme and Mexican Pizza.
We had such a great time and I still wonder why after each stop we got progressively louder. I felt bad for the woman driving us around....she had no idea what was in store for her. She DID come prepared though for the aftermath in the front seat...ouch. The pub crawl van had seen better days.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Back to the first day of school, I actually love the first day of school...I really do. The kids are so freakin excited and everything is new and fresh. I remember my parents buying me my Trapper Keepers and getting them all organized and laying out my clothes the day before. As a counselor, I can pretty much be assured that it is the ONLY day we have zero behavior problems. Most teachers won't send kids on the very first day and most kids behave at least on the first day...right? I am starting a new school next year and I am so excited. Working with middle school kids is a challenge but, they are so much easier then the itty bitty guys. Their issues seem bigger but, they are easier to deal with. The little guys would take an hour just to get them to stop crying only to hear them say that "Chamapagne (a real name...seriously) hit me and we were friends and now she doesn't like me." An hour? Really? "Give her a few days sweetie she will come around...here is a sticker and I will see you in a few days." Counseling skills at it's finest, don't you think? With middle school kids they really do want my help (for the most part) and their problems usually involve a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent or teacher, in order of importance. I can handle a friend issue, break up drama, parents bugging them and teacher giving them a bad grade all in one hour or less. Mostly because they talk so fast but, whatever....I get the job done.
So, the first day of school is just around the corner and the idea of starting all over with a new staff and new kids is a bit overwhelming. I can only be charming and sweet for so long, you know? I am already thinking about what great thing I did over the summer to share with the staff on the first staff day. Needs to be super cool but, not showy...first impressions are sometimes tough to overcome. I still have a few more days of summer bliss but, it is lurking...I just know it.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
My theory is quite easy and can be broken down into 2 categories....A. Men are simple and B. Women are mean. Easy Peasy, right? Now, I know my readers are predominantly women so all the women out there that just gasped at the very thought of being mean just close your mouth and let me explain. Now, men are sooooooo simple, seriously, come on now ladies we all know that for men it is about the sex. Super hot hubby denies this and says it is about the intimacy and not NECESSARILY the sex..I know, made me laugh too. To that, I say...BULL. It is ALL about the sex for men. "When am I going to get it?" "What do I have to do to get it?" "I did this last week and I got sex and now nothing...what gives?" See? Men want to make their wives happy...they really do. I used to think super hot hubby wanted to piss me off...sometimes I think he really does but, for the most part they want to make us happy...(as long as it involves sex).
Now, women KNOW this information (although we deny knowing it and want to believe men when they say "awww honey I understand, let's just snuggle" knowing that we have only pacified the beast) and yet, we use that very thing that men want most as a weapon. We women believe if we with hold the one most important thing to men, they will do what we want them to do. Here is where it gets tricky....you see? Men never know what we want and honestly, they never will. Women keep switching things up on them. What got men sex last week no longer works...see? MEAN!! And we expect them to KNOW what we want even though we have changed it all up on them.
So, Yes, Women are mean and men want sex but, here is where my theory comes to fruition ( I have always wanted to use that word...there you have it...fruition). I BELIEVE that all it takes is one month. Those that are willing to try this out...I need feed back. So, men that are reading (two of you? How ever many there are out there) you are to be extremely nice to your women, no matter what they throw at you (words or dishes or whatever). One month of doing exactly as they want you to do. When they snap at you...you just apologize and tell them "Yes, honey, I will take the kids out for a little bit so you can sit and watch Bachelorette" Throw in an "I love you" every now and then. Here is the kicker...ready? You do all this with expecting NOTHING in return. I believe that it will take only a couple of weeks before a woman realizes that her man is really wanting to make her happy and she will give up all the goods willingly and happily.
Now for the women? I ain't gonna lie...this will not sound like a good theory but, trust me...try it. You must "be intimate" whenever he wants it. You must act like you want to do this (I KNOW..sounds crazy but, just do it) and take all anger, rage, resentment, etc. out of the act and just do it. I, again, think it will take only a couple of weeks before you have him taking out the garbage and washing the dog without being asked...ok, got a little carried away there but, he will do whatever you need to make you happy. I really believe that men want their wives to be truly happy but, it is a vicious circle here people. Someone must break the cycle so, I throw down the gauntlet to all my readers (and Matt Lauer)...give it a whirl and report back as to how things are going.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
I was a bit taken back when we arrived since I thought that we would be completely away from anything and everything. I envisioned fetching water (which the guys did), bathroom in a pit type thing, and heating water over an open flame. Much to my surprise...we had drinking water that did not involve filtering but, it did involve fetching and we had a bathroom with a flush toilet but, it was prefaced by the saying of "if it's yellow let it mellow..." ( I was happy to have some sort of plumbing so who cares) and we were able to cook via gas stove top.
We spent days jumping from the pier, playing board games and running a muck and nights catching fireflies and chatting by the moonlight. We came home with so many bug bites it is amazing we have any blood left inside our bodies and the desire to return in the future. It was AWESOME!!!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Working at a high school brought me lots of joy and sorrows (ie crazy counselor). The kids were wonderful and most were mature and some were stoned throughout their entire senior year. What student in their right mind gets high in the staff bathroom? I think I just answered my own question so let's move on. I was able to reconnect with students that I knew when they were in 3rd grade and now they are graduating...sniff sniff. I was able to partake in their graduation ceremony (which was awesome since they sang a Whitesnake song..."Here I go again on my own...going down the only road I've ever know...like a drifter I was born to walk alone"...sigh), take pictures of the kids, and give them hugs right before they got their diploma. Only 5 of the kids that I knew back in the day, graduated...now, some were at different schools, some moved away and sadly some dropped out. 5 out of 40? Not a very good statistic. I will say this though...the district I work in is HUGE and kids have many options of high schools to attend. We also have a high transient population with families and kids moving several times. So foreign to me since the majority of the kids I went to grade school with went on to graduate from the one high school in my district. No...wait...6...there were 6 of the original crew...PHEW. 6 out of 40. I feel much better now. Celebrate the successes....otherwise I go crazy...HEY...maybe that is what happened with the "crazy counselor" lady?
Congratulations to the class of 2010!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
She dawned her Hawaiian shirt, capris, sandals and fanny pack and headed into the port towns in search of the best deals available to tourists (oxymoron, I know). Low and behold, in Cabo she came across the authentic Mexican hangout of Senor Frogs. If anyone went to college in California (or in my case, went to high school in California) has been to Senor Frogs. This is spring break on crack in Mexico. Lots of underage drinking, bikinis, and tequila. Somewhere along the way, my mom ended up in this establishment and let me assure you she is NOT in college nor is she on spring break. She tells me that she "ended up in a conga line." Huh? How do you just end up in conga line? No idea....Then she says "and every time the conga line passed this guy, he squirted stuff in my mouth." This absolutely freaked me out on many levels: 1. What is he squirting in her mouth? 2. WHAT IS HE SQUIRTING IN HER MOUTH??? Even when I asked her if it was tequila, her response was..."I don't know." How do you NOT know if it is tequila? I played through this whole scenario in my mind and at the conclusion of this train wreck I see my mom...face down on the table at Senor Frogs wearing a sarape, a sombrero and her fanny pack. Let's just hope that didn't happen.
Monday, May 10, 2010
1. " I SAID I AM ON THE PHONE."
2. " Go to your room!"
3. "OK seriously, you need to stop talking to mommy right now or there will be a consequence."
5. "Why is your sister covered in toothpaste?"
6. "What on earth happened in here?"
7. "This is NOT ok."
8. "Do you see the phone that I am holding in my hand?"
9. "Did you lose an appendage? No...then we are done here."
10. "Why are you watching him go to the bathroom? I don't care that you have to go to, you should not be in the bathroom with your pants down together EVER!!!"
MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE!!!!!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
He has his surgery scheduled for between his trips...that is another post entirely...and he is getting stressed about it. He doesn't like needles, he doesn't like being put under, he doesn't like having surgery and he doesn't like the idea of a male Dr. handling his junk in any way shape or form. It didn't help matters when I told him I thought the Dr. was H-O-T nor did it help when I told him I could ask to observe the surgery nor did it help when I told him to make sure he wears comfortable, easy on pants. He asked me why that would be important and I didn't hesitate for a second when I said..."Oh when you wake up to them trying to put your pants on you, you might think you are in the frat house again or something." Ya, not really the best thing to say on so many levels. My bad.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"why is it soem like at me as a failure cause i din';rt go to college."
Direct quote...seriously....Hmmm not really sure what to say about that one.
AND, AND...ready for this?
"nearly everything i know was self taught "
Now THAT I believe.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
So, in no particular order...this is what I learned 8 years ago today:
1. An epidural is NOT necessary...Ya, that's right...no epidural and by choice!!! I wanted to see if I could do it and truly it was the most amazing experience of my life...crazy? Maybe...but all you readers that run marathons....now THAT is crazy!!!! I honestly believe that I single handedly scared my best friend Schmiggy to death and she will never have kids...true story!
2. The moment that they lay those sweet little cherub babes on your chest...your life is forever changed. FOR.EVER. My daughters bring me the most joy and the most stress all at the same time. Seeing a child sick or hurt is, by far, the hardest thing EVER!!!
3. As she exits each stage and enters a new one, I am excited and sad all at the same time. I loved watching her walk but, at the same time I knew that her giant diaper bottom wouldn't be bustling around on the floor anymore picking up the Cheerios from breakfast and I was going to actually have to sweep the floor..GASP!!!
4. I become very "mama bear"ish if I need to and I truly believe I could kick anyone's ass if they tried to do anything to my kids. I don't even like it when her friends are mean to her...now, I wouldn't kick her friends ass just yet (that just wouldn't be a fair fight) but, I do have some thoughts about those mean girls on the play ground...I'm just sayin'.
5. I love trying to trick them into holding my hand...I will say things like "Can you hold my hand...I think I may get lost walking into the store" I am needing to get a bit more creative as they get older and wise up to my tactics. I hope that they never grow out of wanting to hold my hand or kiss and hug me...I know they will but, I can hope...right?
6. There is nothing sweeter then when she, without prompting, says..."Mommy I really love you." or "I think you are the best mom ever." She has said both of those things and really I almost cry.
7. I love it when people tell me how beautiful my kids are...I always add something else to them being beautiful like..."Thanks...they are so funny too." or "Ya...you should see how strong they are too." I want them to know there is more to them then their looks.
8. I drink A LOT more now that I have kids then ever before...would it be bad if I think everyone is happier if I drink? WAIT...don't answer that...I think I know the answer. HELL NO that isn't bad...right? OK...good..moving on.
9. I am proud of my little "baby pouch"....ok proud is a little strong but, I guess it doesn't bother me that much. When it does...I just see her pretty little smile or the sparkle in her eye and realize that the little muffin top is so worth it so who cares. Well, I am NOT proud of it when I run into an ex boyfriend or at my high school reunion where no one had them..how is that possible? I have no idea but, I sucked my stomach in that entire night...is that a work out? I think it is..
10. I love cheese and cannot live without it. Now, this tidbit has nothing to do with having kids, I just thought you would like to know...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Oh how I love Wednesdays now...thanks Chief for giving me the liberty to jump up on my soap box and spew things that I don't normally say out loud. Usually I am able to rant in my head for a very long time but, NOW...I can do it to all of you..my 41 readers?? How lovely is that?
Situation: Teacher at my school who clearly does not respect counselors or what a counselor might do sent an email to the ENTIRE staff including administration saying...and I quote..."Please don’t waste your time telling me I’m crazy, ill-informed or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ve heard that from admin and counseling before and I’m done buying it." (This is just a portion of the e-mail...but, I think you get the idea)
My Response: Hmmm, well, nothing really since I would NEVER send an email like that to the ENTIRE staff so, I was pretty much speechless....I KNOW...how can that be?
WIMTS: Holy Crap!!! If you don't want people to think you are crazy maybe..just MAYBE, you should refrain from stating that in your e-mail? Just sayin'. Oh ya...maybe you should be a bit reflective and figure out why people are telling you that you may in fact be a bit looney? Just sayin' AND please, for the love of hoodies and converse tennis shoes, please take your meds!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
Anyway, these dolls go with us to lots of places...they are almost always in the car with us and they are in constant need of a wardrobe change. Weird but, they are always changing clothes. My youngest is very consistent with her doll and she rarely matches and NEVER has her hair brushed..much like everyday life in my house. They have gone to lunch with us and my friend Sunshine and were totally discriminated against. Not sure if it was the fact that they were little people or the waitress did not believe they were real? At any rate, they were NOT given a menu and they were not allowed to order. GASP!!! I know...hard to believe that people like that still exist in the good ol' USA but, sadly, they do.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Oh how I love thee "What I Meant to Say" Wednesdays...let me count the ways. One day where I get to say exactly what I wished I could have said and for whatever reason I didn't....PERFECT!! Head on over to Chief's and check out what she meant to say.
During that stupid play that I am in...the mean director YELLED at me and asked.."Ummm, excuse me, but, can you transcend matter?" My response was.."huh? ummm, no...wait am I supposed to do that?" Then water works began...so embarrassing. What I meant to say was..."Hey!!! Lady!!! What is your problem? Why don't you bring your fat cankles over here and say that to my face? NO? Oh I didn't think so..."
After one of the performances of the stupid play the fat cankled director told me. "Wow, you did great..you really killed it in the second act. Why can't you do that the entire show?" My response was..."Thanks? I think?" What I meant to say was..." I hope a lightning bolt strikes you on the head. I really do."
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Super hot hubby was at my beck and call all day long. He was so supportive and actually got angry when the stupid director yelled at me AGAIN!! Even if he wasn't mad or if he didn't think she yelled all that much...he played along at least. Still not sure if I will do this again but, at least the end result has been good. I will say this...the stupid director and I will NOT be friends after this show. Not even "good book friends"...seriously, THAT is a big deal.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Now THIS?? THIS is a blog carnival I can wrap my pea brain around. I can say exactly what I want to say to the immature, crazy, people that I come in contact with every day??? PICK ME, PICK ME!! I want to play...
So, play along (or not)...but, it is sure to be fun.
Without further ado...
At a staff meeting yesterday as the VP was talking about needing to notify parents if their child is in jeopardy of failing and veered off on a strange path and began discussing bunnies and spring...after an awkward laugh and a roll of my eyes to a coworker...what I meant to say is "Are you freakin kidding me? We are talking about bunnies hopping and spring in a staff meeting? THAT is 45 minutes I will NEVER get back again. Please, please, please don't waste my time with your bunny nonsense."
Oh feels so good...you really should try this people...
NEXT, while on the good book (facebook) and catching up on all my friends and reading all the status updates to be well informed as to the happenings (it is my nightly news...really it is). I begin to read update upon update about how great people's spouses and kids are...with a small gag reflex at someone telling me that their husband is the best ever that THEN led to an out and out war between three people as to who had the best husband??? My facebook response was..."aww how sweet." What I meant to say is..."I want to jam pencils in my eyeballs from all this nonsense about how great your spouses are. I get that they are wonderful and all but, please do that privately...why not just start awkwardly making out on facebook...GEEZ!!! GET A ROOM!!"
Ahhh, one more down...I could get used to this...
To the concerned parent who called me to report that her child was getting two F's and all she cares about is her friends and her phone and what was I (the counselor) going to do about it? My response was..."I appreciate your concern and hope we can work together to get little "Jane" on track. Clearly, you see the importance of her education and want to do whatever it takes to help her to be successful....blah blah blah" NOW, what I meant to say..."Take away her stupid phone, you moron, and keep her home UNTIL she finishes her homework...oh ya, and maybe, just maybe, you might want to look at her being on the cheer squad as a distraction? I don't know...just sayin'. I am only a counselor...my job description no where states that I am a surrogate parent...if she didn't come out of my hooha...I can only do so much!! I mean...seriously!!"
Oh my goodness, that felt so good. I can totally get on board with this carnival. LOVE IT...Thanks Chief!!!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
So we are running on neighboring treadmills and he starts doing this crazy thing. He starts pumping his arms, then his knees start coming up all high as he gets going faster. Then - I'm not kidding here girls - he f*@^ing SNAPPED his fingers a couple of times and I could swear I heard some singing along. (I had my ipod on too, and I was trying my best to ignore it and pretend like I didn't know him). Then, THEN, he yelled out "come on!" and "push it!". OMG, I almost f*@^ing stuck my foot out and tripped him to end the embarrassment.
Mercifully, his run was finally over, and he was cooling down. I subtly slipped one earbud out and said to him "seriously? that was weird... and embarrassing. Warn me next time and I'll turn my music up." And he goes "was I being loud? I guess my music was up too high!" I shook my head and said - loudly- "whatever, I don't know you. I'm just offering you some friendly advice. Mellow it out."