Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Such Simple Creatures

A long weekend hanging around the house leads to long thoughts about random nonsense.  I have been married to super hot hubby for 10 years (Yes, I deserve a medal or diamonds or something) and he has yet to respond to my nonsense in an appropriate way.  For all the men out there (super hot hubby)...let me break this down for you, k?  

Scenario 1:
When your wife says to you, "Is there anything you would like to do today?"  You can respond with "There is some yard work I would like to do and I would like to have a little break today."  This will certainly get you a kick in the balls.  OR you can respond with the non ball kicking answer of..."Oh, honey, you work so hard all week long and you have the kids so much, you should rest while I take the kids on an excursion that you certainly would not want to go on."   See how simple that is????

Scenario 2:
When your wife has a half day and comes home to find you on the couch sleeping....your response should be, "Oh, I was up so late last night, I couldn't sleep, I was just looking at you and thinking about how lucky I am to have you for my wife."   Again...simple???  I think so.  The response should NOT include:  "Damn honey, why are you home?  Oh ya, I forgot you were coming home early today."  

Scenario 3:
Super hot hubby asks the little woman..."What would you like for dinner tonight?"  and she responds with "Oh, I don't really care."  This one is kinda tricky...because we do care and not just what is for dinner.  We care about what you come up with as a suggestion for dinner.  You really can't win on this one fellas so...sorry.  If you respond with something healthy and balanced, she will think you are calling her fat.  If you respond with something just to die for fattening...she will think you don't really care about how she looks anymore...ya, you are on your own on this one. 

Scenario 4:
This is a big one...If your wife ever utters words such as these I am about to reveal...the answer is ALWAYS the same.  No matter how she phrases it...does not matter.   She says, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" or "Do these pants make my butt look big?" or "Does this dress show my back fat?"  "Do my underarms jiggle when I wave hello?" "Are my boobs getting saggy?"  "Do I have cellulite on the back of my legs?"  We all know there are several variations to this question but, I think you get the jist.  The ONLY response that will not get a woman thinking of a swift kick to the groin is "No...you look fantastic.  There is no way anyone would ever think you look fat."  Now, it is not only the words that you must say but, you must be looking in her direction as you say them and what ever you do...do NOT hesitate on the response.  GEEZ gentlemen....we are such simple creatures.  


TrueLoveIsaMama said...

Why is it so complicated for them? There should be a course in High School and advanced ones in College, for men and how to communicate with females, because they are obviously confused!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

So, so very true. Why is it so hard for these creatures?

Counselormama said...

Ugh, I know! I tell my dear hubs that all the time! One simple sentence would buy him tons of mileage, I am a sucker for flattery!

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Ya know what's really a pain? If, by some chance, they actually manage to get it right ONE DAMN TIME - they think they're off the hook forever!

And yet they still expect us to swoon when they can change a light bulb without electrocuting themselves or burning the house down!

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!

Just kidding - I do love Dub - it's just that his poor ego is so delicate!


Pam said...

I really am going to have to start insisting that my hubby reads all of your open letters to the men of the world. He could learn so much from you in such a short amount of time that would really make life easier for all of us involved.

Thanks for another round of eye-opening nonsense!

Kristina P. said...

Poor men. They really do get the short end of the stick.

peewee said...

haha!! My guy friend was behind me once as I was walking upstairs. I had been working out at the gym for a few months and he says "Oh my god!! Your thighs are massive!" WRONG WORD! He meant muscularly. But it doesn't matter. WRONG WORD.