I Stand Corrected

Just need to give you a little update as I, apparently, have got the facts wrong about the shenanigans of my dad.  You see, he read my blog and lovingly told me that it was all wrong and if I was going to tell the stories of his young life, I must do it right.  That being said, I suppose I should give you the "real" story and you can see which you like better. 

As a young boy growing up in a small town in the midwest...my dad and his two brothers would often times look for things to do.  Lots of times that led to trouble. They did use to catch birds and get money for the feet but, it was Starling birds not black birds.  Sorry, my bad.  These were the birds that ate the crops.  The three boys would go into the barn at night and shine flashlights and the poor birds would fly right at the light thinking it was the sun.  Instead of the going towards the sun to warm their feathers and chirp a song of delight, they were whacked with a tennis racket and stuffed into a sack.  This is where the story gets a little dicey...I am not sure if the bird was dead prior to cutting off the feet but, at some point their feet were removed and taken up to the County building for 20 cents. Sometimes the boys would keep the feet in the bag for several days so that they would be nice and stinky and the woman at the office did not want to count them.   Poor woman, I know what it is like to smell stinky feet (see prior post about my car if this is unclear).  Apparently, they also got 50 cents for gopher tails and I am sure they had a very inhumane way of getting those tails as well.  

As for the black birds, they did kill the black birds but apparently it was for no reason whatsoever.  They would catch them in a mink cage and start the car and carbon monoxide them and bring them back to life.  This process was continued until the bird was dead.  Being the nice, sweet boys that they were, they then buried them in a box by the barn while playing Taps.  Now, I distinctly remember him telling this story and he would "shove the bird up the tailpipe of the car" all the while gesturing the shoving and it didn't look nice. Poor, defenseless little bird.   Apparently, he doesn't want to sound like a bird hater now.  Good try, Dad!! 

The Crying Has Got To Stop!!!

And I am being serious here. Someone is goin' down at my school if the crying continues anymore. Just when I get one settled...another begins. It is driving me INSANE!!!! Today an adorable little girl was crying in class so, I went to get her and calm her down. Upon entering the room, I noticed her grandma was there and trying to console her. Super counselor to the rescue!!! I tell grandma to leave and we will take good care of her and I know it is hard but, it is what is best...blah, blah, blah. I do understand as a parent, it would be hard to leave my kid at school when she is so upset but, as a counselor...I want that adult GONE, BYE BYE..and don't look back. The kid will eventually settle down but, the longer the lingering...the worse it gets.

Grandma finally took my advice and turned to leave and the kid went crazy. She had snot coming down her face, screaming hysterically, and trying to get away from me. Every teacher came out of their room to see the sweet counselor with this feral kid and quickly closed their doors since I so clearly had things under control...NOT!!!

Eventually the principal came down and proceeded to help me carry her to his office so that she could cry all she wanted without it bothering anyone else. Well, it was really bothering me but, WHATEVER!!! I sat on the floor in front of the door to keep her from running out and she kept hitting me in the head with the doorknob. Over and over again, the doorknob is bopping me on the head and I begin to think, "How must this look to anyone outside of this room?" I don't think I want to know. In all honesty, I was thinking, "Knock it off you crazy kid!!!"

Long story even longer, she eventually made it to class after finally coming with me to the my office for a good, old-fashioned game of Candy Land. She turned on a dime, seriously. Never seen a kid stop crying and turn into such a delight in 1.2 seconds. Kinda freaky, if you ask me. The game went on and on and on with her being on the very last square and only needing any color card to win the game. Just one little color...ANY COLOR. She, of course, got f'in Plumpy!!! WHY, OH WHY!!!

True definition of insanity

It has been said that the real, no b.s., definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I truly believe that I am supportive in the best way I can be and that my super hot husband is as well. Yet, we continue to struggle with the same exact issues over and over again. DUH!!! I feel like I am banging my head against the wall and thinking why is he doing this even though I know that it is coming. When I stop and think about it, I usually will giggle to myself since I am aware of what the outcome will be but, still surprised when it happens. Literally, fall on the floor in shock or I guess, one MAY perceive it as a temper tantrum. I said MAY perceive it that way...

I was talking with my friend the other day about this issue and she, of course, said the same thing and knew the results prior to me even telling her. She holds nothing back when I talk to her and I love that about her. She knows me well enough to be honest without being harsh (although I think she wishes she could be harsh). While I am able to find the humor in it, I also find it extremely frustrating. I need to find someway to deal with my frustration as my head hurts from banging it over and over again.

My Special Day

Tomorrow is my very own special day. The only day that is for me and only me. My super hot husband was asking me what I wanted for my birthday. Here's a hint...IPHONE!! wink, wink, nudge, nudge...but, I will settle for something else. I have thought about this question for a few weeks now and I have come to only one conclusion. The thing that will make me the most happy on my special day is to have one day, ALL DAY, that is whining free. No arguing, no fussing, no screaming, no yelling...pure bliss!!! There are days when I feel like a mediator, referee, judge, jury, etc. To have one day, just one, that feels "normal" again would be great.

When I explained what I wanted to my husband and children, they were up for the task. They have had days when they have got along all day, they are few and far between. Anyone out there with kids knows those days...where you don't want to jinx it but you can't help but think "Who are these children and can I keep them?" I know they can do it. At least, I think they can, maybe??? My youngest wanted to know if they couldn't do it if they would have to be in their rooms for a very long time. I would think...YES, a very long time!!!

Why?

Just curious here people...are all women like me??? Alright, some women?? Any??? I guess a better question is "How do our husbands and partners put up with us?" I wonder how everything my husband says to me in my mind turns into him calling me fat. I find it humorous when he asks me "What movie do you want to see?" and I respond with "You think I am fat, don't you?" or "You want to see the movie with her in it because I am fat". I would like to think that it really isn't as bad as I think, but it is... I just know it!!! He would be so sweet and say..."Honey, I love you." Which I would again respond with "You DO think I am fat." And sink into that pit of despair.

I wonder this often, not sure if I think about this more or less than my super hot husband. I am sure he only thinks about it when it hits him in the face like a ton of bricks. He can be whistling a happy tune when all of sudden, out of no where, with little warning, "Houston, we have a problem!!!" He puts up with me and my antics with patience (bless his heart) and love and possibly...lots of alcohol.

Only At My School

I hesitate to post this story only because I work in education and sometimes it is sad to me how uneducated our children are. I had to sit with this one for a few days, let it simmer, before I could really understand exactly what this story was about. Last week, a teacher came to me to talk about the "drama" that occurs in her classroom on a regular basis. 6th grade kids, DRAMA!!! She takes an obscene amount of time sorting through all the details of the drama only to find out it was, in fact, a misunderstanding...SHOCKING!!!

This story involves two young men one smart (and on the husky side) and one...well, not so smart (string bean thin). The smart boy came to his teacher complaining that the not so smart boy was "sexually harassing" him. Most kids in our school would not even understand what that meant but, this boy would. The teacher very patiently tried to get to the bottom of this story and quickly as she had a class full of kids waiting for her to teach them math. He proceeded to tell her that the boy had said he was a girl because he didn't have a "ding dong". Confused, the teacher asked him to back up and tell her exactly what happened and had the other boy come over to listen. After he told the story again the same way...it came clear to Mrs. Teacher that the boys were not talking about the same thing. You see, string bean boy said that the husky boy "did not NEED a ding dong". Here stood Mrs. Teacher in a pickle. Knowing now that he was NOT making sexual comments towards him at all but, was basically calling him fat. What to do? Tell a kid "Well, sweet boy of our future, he was not calling you a girl...he was calling you a big fatty boomba latty." Hope that makes it better. Truth be told...he really didn't NEED the Ding Dong.

Humor Me

You have heard about my mom and her crazy antics and thought you might like a little background history about my dad. Growing up, my house was THE house that friends wanted to come to. We had a pool with a diving board and slide, sugar cereal, and lots of soda and snacks in the house all the time. My mom and dad were fun growing up and I think my friends thought that they were bit on the strange side. My dad especially. He grew up in a very small town in the mid west and he has the most amazing stories about when he was a kid. Like, how he used to kill black birds because they ate the crops. Then they would take the birds feet to the local store and get money for them. While this story always had me mesmerized, it was more the nature of how they killed the birds that was the essence of the story. They used to catch them in the barn and stuff them up the tail pipe of the car and turn the car on. When they pulled the bird out, it would not be breathing so they would give the bird CPR (I swear this is true, I couldn't make it up) until it came back to life. They continued this process until the bird would no longer come back to life and then chop off the feet. As an adult, this story is horrifying but, as a kid...SO COOL!!!

He swam with us, let us drive on his lap, and he would take us up to his school and let us roller skate in the gym. He used to tell us that if he unscrewed out belly buttons our arms and legs would fall off. It drove him CRAZY when my sister and I used to argue or act up in public. I remember being in a store when I was little and I was running like a crazy monkey and he looked me square in the eye and said "Little girl, where are your parents?" He was dead serious. He continued with this until we left the store, going as far as to ask other people if they knew where my parents were.  All the while, my screaming tantrum continued.

I think secretly (although he would never admit this) he wanted a boy. He was a jock growing up and he coached football, wrestling, our softball teams, etc. He is pretty competitive and I got that trait from him. I remember being about 12 years old and my dad was thrown out of one of my softball games by the poor 17 year old umpire that made, what he thought, a bad call. I guess that is why I get mad when I lose at Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders...those games are all about chance anyway.

Kids

I do not recall whose idea it was to have children but, I am certain that it was my husbands. While I love my children very much, they drive me completely insane sometimes. I look at my life and wonder "What the heck happened to me?" I used to be fun, outgoing, energetic, perky (in more ways than one, if you know what I mean) and now, I am rundown, stressed, tired, cranky, and not so perky. Back in the day, I could go out for a night on the town, stay out until 3:00 AM (I mean midnight if my parents are reading this), and still get up for an 8:00 AM class the very next day. Nowadays, I can stay out until 7:00 PM and if I have more than one beer I am lucky if I can get myself out of bed for work two days later!!! I am not getting old, I AM NOT!!! My conclusion is my children suck the life and energy right out of me. They are blood thirsty little suckers that don't ever stop, EVER!!! I imagine that they look like those sucker fish that are stuck to the side of the tank only they don't do ANY cleaning!!! The needs, the wants, the whining, the arguing, the hitting, the throwing, the belching, the screaming, the crying...funny farm here I come.

All it takes for me to get some perspective is a moment, one little moment, when they are sweet to me, to each other, an unprompted "Mommy, I love you", the darling laugh of my youngest, and the toothless smile of my oldest and I melt into a puddle. It is these moments that I need to remember on days like today. These are the girls that I created...when the are acting like crazy monkeys, it is so clear to me, that part of them was from my husband.

A little history

After reading through the prior blogs, one might wonder...what has happened to this poor girl in her life? Why is she so obsessive, crazy, insert whatever adjective you would like here? Once you meet my mom, you can understand in a few minutes. I LOVE my mom, don't get me wrong but, growing up with her was...interesting. As an adult, I find her thought process pretty comical.

You see, I live 7 hours from my dear, sweet, mom and one day I received a pretty frantic phone call on my answering machine (actually she called more than once but, I don't want her to sound crazy). She was demanding that I call her right away. DEMANDING!!! She sounded very stressed on the phone so, I figured something had happened to someone in my family. I immediately call her...frantic and needing to know how drastically my life would be changing in that moment.

She answers the phone on the first ring and almost burst into tears when she hears my voice. She tells me how thankful she is that I am alive?? I was so confused. She begins to tell me that she received a hang up call that sounded like it was from a cell phone. She KNEW that I had been kidnapped and was stuffed in the trunk of someones car. I was trying to follow this story the best I could. She was talking so fast and could hardly understand her through the hysterics. It was as if her mouth couldn't keep up with her brain at this point. She continued to tell me that she did not want to call me back on the cell phone for fear it would alert the kidnappers and then they would most certainly kill me!!! Why, on earth, if I had been kidnapped and was stuffed in the trunk of someones car would I call my mommy that is 7 hours away??? Why, on earth, would my mom being saying these words out loud for others to hear?? How, on earth, did I turn out so normal??? So many more stories like this...so little time!!!

The Break Up

I have only a few friends that will be honest and tell me like it is...straight up, no holding back. I talked to one of those friends today about my recent break up with my love affair (Iphone). You see, I did break up...truly I did. It was one of those things that I thought would stick and seemed like a good thing at the time. I had a long discussion with my friend (shout out to Schmiggy, WORD) about this and she so eloquently told me "LET IT GO". So I began my quest to let it go...

I came home two days ago and told my super hot husband that I was letting go of the Iphone. I would no longer bring it up, discuss it, cry about it, or anything. While I was NOT expecting some major reaction to this news (OK maybe a little), I was hoping for him to at least look away from the pot of Sloppy Joes for two seconds. He, in fact, did not. This would not stop me...still breaking up!! Being mature here.

Less than 24 hours later, HE comes to me to start a conversation about my EX Iphone that I was clearly moving on from. While I am shocked...I continue to go with it in a calm and soothing manner. I ask him "Are you sure you want to talk about this?" He says yes so, here we go. Down the road that we have travelled time and time again. He gets mad at me since I am attacking him about the phone again. WHAT??? I don't think I brought this up, buddy boy!!! I am left bewildered to say the least as to what had just occurred.

I know now that the Iphone has been the root of all evil in my house lately and no longer want the drama that goes along with it. No more making up, going back, no looking back!!! WE ARE DONE!!!

I Surrender

I am waving the white flag here people. I give up!!! The Iphone is a no go from here on out. For the sake of my marriage, I must let it go. My husband and I just don't see eye to eye on this one and quite frankly, I am tired of stating the same point over and over again. OK so, I am tired of begging, pleading and crying but, still tired of it none the less. My Facebook obsession is getting much better...although, it was probably better since I was obsessing on the Iphone. We will see how that goes.

I have these kids at work that just won't stop crying. Not sure how they can cry for this long. I am exhausted at the end of the day. If my own kids cry for any reason, I have no patience left to give. Seriously, explain to me how anyone can cry for five hours straight. Not just a whimper here and there but, a full on sobbing, snotty, tears and all cry. It is crazy. I think the other kids are starting to be afraid of me since they only see me with the criers. I had one kid ask me the other day "Why is she always crying?" I said "I have no idea." And I really don't know why she cries.

Weekend News

It has been a busy weekend to say the least. I was able to get my husband (minus the super hot and wonderful description) to let me go and LOOK at Iphones. Before he could finish that sentence, I had the kids strapped in the car and my foot on the gas. We walked into the apple store and it was pandemonium. Absolute chaos. I have never seen that many people in such a little store. I asked the kids to be on their best behavior since mommy was going to have figure out how she could buy this phone without daddy knowing. After about 10 minutes of just staring and, I must admit, some salavating we were approached by a sales girl. She had several piercings, the stretched out earlobes, a stud through her chin? It was a little hard not to look directly at her but, I couldn't take my eyes off of the iphone. She answered all my questions and when she pulled out her own iphone to see how many pictures it could hold, I about fainted. Seriously. At this point, my youngest had hit her head on the counter that she was swinging on and my oldest was telling her that she shouldn't have been doing that. I didn't care in that moment...I was staring at it. It was within my grasp. I, for a second, had a thought of taking her phone and running out the door but, I know my kids would have ratted me out. Can't keep their mouths shut!! Still no Iphone but, one step closer.

On Sunday, we decided to take a relaxing day trip to the beach. My mother in law decided she wanted to come too so we crammed 5 people into our car (which seats 5 but, it is squished with car seats) and head to the beach for some family fun. The kids were on my last nerve within about 20 minutes. Arguing, being mean, and rude, and they were no picnic either. I decided to just give up and ignore them the best I could. Since I was the one in the back seat with them it was a little hard to do. They were hungry, they wanted the music up, then it was too loud, they were thirsty, then the gum...oh the gum!!! It was insane. By the end of the trip they were pinching my arm flab and I didn't care as long as they were quiet. I had a moment of peace when I was sitting in my chair on the beach, listening the the waves, it was serenity at its finest. I knew this moment wouldn't last long so, I enjoyed every second of it.

9 Years of Bliss

Today my wonderful, loving and super hot husband and I are celebrating our 9 year wedding anniversary. It is hard to believe that he has put up with me for that long. I am being serious here. We have two great kids, two good cats that just refuse to get a long, and a loving relationship. He makes me want to be a better person and wife everyday. That being said, for our anniversary my gift to him...to sign off of facebook. Whoa, I mean just for the day!!! And by that, I mean the rest of today...until midnight. So, really only about 8 hours...I think I can do that. I said I THINK!!!! I also promise (one hand on Bible and one hand in the air promise) that I will not ask for, talk about, beg, grovel, or cry for my Iphone. Wife of the year, right here people!!! I am hearing loud cheers and applause in my head. If only everyone were so lucky...

Looking for suggestions here...

I find it fascinating how I can pull people into my craziness and my obsession about an Iphone. I appreciate the help on figuring out a way for me to get it but, I want to be clear here...IT IS MINE SO, STEP OFF!!!  I have not got the little slice of hand held heaven yet but, I am working on it everyday.  I feel as though I am getting closer.  He has told me to find out EXACTLY how much it is including the monthly contract and we will see if it would work.  Oh, it WILL work, I promise you that.  He is wearing down,  I can sense it.

I was talking to a colleague (and I use that term loosely) about the Iphone and what I could say to make it a necessity in my husbands eyes.  Said colleague thought I might want to go down the safety route and discuss how important it is for me to have a Iphone just in case.  In case...what?  A broken down car?  My husband would say "someone would stop and let you use their cell phone."  A natural disaster?  His response..."would it really matter at that point."  What if I was close to certain death and the only thing I wanted to do was to tell my husband one last time that I loved him?  His response..."I already know you love me so, I don't think we need it."   If that is the case, I will haunt him from the other side.  

Iphone Nazi

Have you ever wanted anything so badly it ached in your gut?  Just thinking about it makes me a giddy school girl.  I am in desperate need of an iphone these days.  My wonderful, darling, and super hot (if he is reading this post he can be described like that...otherwise he is a big meanie poo poo head) husband keeps telling me no that I don't NEED the iphone.  Really there are very few things in life that we NEED.  Food, water, shelter, iphone, etc.  Did I say Iphone??  I have talked to him about it like a rational wife (is that an oxymoron?), I have begged, I have pleaded, I have tried everything to no avail.  He is, in fact, the Iphone Nazi.  I have pointed out the fact that it has a GPS on it that he could use so that he never would get lost.  I really thought this would sell him but, he responded with "I never get lost."  I laughed so hard (not out loud, of course because I want an iphone) at that thought.  I am beginning to get ready to play some hard ball now.  I have offered 30 days, yes I said 30, of well...you know?  Everyday...30 days!!!  Lord help me, what is wrong with me?  I realized after offering this "service" that the Iphone can be bought for a mere $199 so, that would make me pretty cheap.  I must say, I was  happy that he said no to that deal but, I think now I should be offended.  

My latest tactic involves what I am willing to give up in order to have my little slice of heaven in my hand.  He told me that if I gave up caffeine (oh dear), chocolate (oh my) and ice cream (is he CRAZY???), then I could have it.  Give it up...cold turkey and he is serious.  While I think I can do this, I secretly feel sorry for him.  Can you imagine any wife without caffeine, chocolate, and ice cream?  I don't think he thought this all the way through.  

True story...really it is.

I am currently working as an elementary school counselor and have learned over the years that I am not a valued person on that campus. I am being serious here. Teachers can teach math, reading, writing, etc. There are subsets of teachers such as a resource teacher, special ed teacher, English language learners teacher, etc. that all teach to exactly what our little kiddles may need. Where does the counselor fit in? Well, I had a good dose of that question when I returned to my "Office" after a well deserved summer off only to find it is now being used as a storage shed. It was a HOT MESS. Apparently, we really did get rid of a storage shed and needed a place to store a bunch o' crap so, why not the counseling office? I spent the entire work day organizing the mess of over 200 chairs, 6-7 desks, 30 ancient computers and a crap load of drums. Seriously, who needed the drums? WTF??? I left the school feeling organized, efficient, and clean with the mess properly stored behind 7 cabinets. I came in the next morning and there was more crap!! More space = more crap. So I literally had to move a file cabinet just to get to my desk and I hurt my back. I know I am a wuss and all but, COME ON!!

Workman's comp got involved since I was injured at work and sent me to THEIR Dr. which promptly returned me to work that day. I asked her in my hysterical fit if she was, in fact, CRAZY? I may have dropped the f-bomb in there a few times as well just to get my point across. I was not able to stand up at this point and when I was standing or walking, I was moving like a 90 year old woman that had misplaced her walker. So, me being the good employee that I am, returns to work and it took all of about an hour before a kid almost kicked me in the (insert expletive here) face!!! I call the workmans comp lady and this is our actual conversation (well almost I guess)

F'in workmans comp lady - "well your principal needs to establish a perimeter around you so that no kids come near you."

Sweet counselor that is crippled - "what would you suggest? Some orange cones and yellow police tape?"

F'in workmans comp lady - "you need to chill out little mama."

Sweet crippled counselor - inaudible language, many expletives, maybe even some threats...it was all a blur at that point.

My "acquired" things

I was thinking yesterday about how much I hate the car I drive.  While I like the fact that I don't have a car payment...I hate the fact that I am overcome by the smell of feet every time I open the door.  I am telling you about this since this truck is something that I  "acquired" in my marriage to my wonderful husband who apparently had a stinky feet problem at one time.  You see, this truck was purchased by him back in 1997 long before we were married.  He drove it every day until we had children.  At that point, we thought it would be a good idea to trade in my super cute Jeep Wrangler for a more "family oriented" car.  Now that he is a stay at home daddy (which I find super hot BTW), he gets to drive the family mobile and I am stuck driving the car that I loathe.   I was driving the other day and the gear shift knob (who in the heck buys a stick shift anymore)  came off mid shift and almost flew through the back window.  I believe this is a hazard and told my husband this. He tells me and I quote: "you just need to put a piece of paper in there to make is stick on top."  WHAT??? when I am sticking paper in the gear shift knob, it is time to get a new car. 

We recently had some mechanical problems with the smelly truck and I was thinking my dream was coming true.  I was finally going to get rid of that thing and get something more new and less stinky.  To my surprise, our mechanic (who is dead to me now) told us that we could fix it for a mere 1,000 buck-a-roos!!!  Of course, my husband thought this was a great idea.  After a LONG conversation with the mechanic we decided to bend over and pay the money.   I think I cried at some point and when I picked it up I told the mechanic that if he saw that truck again for whatever reason he is to say "wow, you really need to dump that thing and get a new ride."  

My whole point is...well, not sure but I know that others have "acquired" things in relationships.  Lazy-Boy chairs, pets, cars, etc...boys are silly that way.