My Humor

I have decided that I do, in fact, have the humor of a 4th grade boy.  I find myself laughing hysterically in the middle of any staff meeting at my school as my male principal begins talking about the state of the play ground balls.  I, of course, cannot hide the fact that I am ridiculously immature when he says "We really need new balls, the upper graders just can't play with their balls since they are too lumpy." There is one other teacher there that has the same sense of humor and if we make any kind of eye contact we will both need to leave the room.  If he ever says that he would like to purchase blue balls...I will die!!!  

As the counselor of my school, I have many job requirements and duties.  I am the chief negotiator between angry parents and staff, copy maker, courier, taxi cab, caterer, ice getter, phone answerer, official photographer, counselor, dancer, singer, boo boo fixer, lice checker, and too many more to list.  One of the duties that I have had the honor to do these last few years is I have to teach Family Life to a group of upper grade kids.  I am not sure where the family life curriculum comes into the counseling part of my job but, I do it anyway.  This year, I am teaching the 4th grade boys and all they want to know about is poop and farts.  They ask questions like "Why do farts smell?" "Why do they make noise?"  " If I fart on a match will it really make a fire ball?" and "Why is my poop green?"  With my humor, none of these questions are a good match.  I must remain serious and with a straight face tell them that their poop is green because...well, it was probably something you ate...WTH did you eat?  Yes, your fart will catch on fire since it is gas so don't light a fireball (too close anyway). Your farts smell because it is gross gas, and it makes noise because...this one kills me. How do you answer this question with a straight face?   

20 Random Things About Me.

Rules:  You are supposed to write a note with 20 random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end, choose 20 people to be tagged.  

1.  I don't know if I know 20 people to be tagged for this.

2.  I am addicted to my blog.

3.  I am addicted to facebook.

4.  I am addicted to my kids.  I cannot kiss and hug them enough and they tell me to get away frequently.  

5.  Apparently, I have an addictive type personality.  Shall I explore this?  I think NOT.

6.  I secretly like running but, when asked I will tell you I hate it.

7.  I left home at the ripe age of 17 to begin my college partying....umm, studying days.

8.  I was a total hellion in high school.

9.  I was engaged to someone else prior to meeting my super hot hubby...scandalous!!!

10.  I have a freakishly high tolerance for pain. 

11.  I delivered my first daughter with no medication by choice just to see if I could...I KNOW (Monica from friends style with the I know).  

12.  20 things is a lot of things about myself. 

13.  The worst job I ever had was as a social worker...too stressful for me.

14.  I get People magazine and read it cover to cover when it comes in the mail on Thursdays.

15.  If I don't get my People magazine on Thurs...I get angry.

16.  If I haven't got my people magazine by Saturday, I usually take out the mail carrier.

17.  I love to chew gum and blow bubbles at the most inopportune times.

18.  I love to shock people and see their reactions...it is really funny.

19.  I say I like to read because it makes me sound smart but, I will take the movie version any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  

20.  I have the most ridiculous sense of humor sometimes...I laugh so hard at the music montages on America's funniest home videos that I cry and my husband gets concerned I will wet myself.  Seriously, it is ridiculous...

Tag you are it:  I used to be a perfect Mom, Willow Tree, Twenty Little Piggies, I Got Me Some Serious Mojo,  In the Gutter, Domestically Challenged, Three Bay B Chicks, 

Suburb Sanity, BlogBaby, Gravity of Motion

Not Me Monday

UPDATE:  I just want to be clear here people....there has been some confusion on my#2 Not Me Monday...Please read carefully. 

Welcome, again, to Not Me Monday.  This blog carnival was created by MckMama at My Charming Kids.  You can head over to her blog and see what she and everyone else is NOT doing this week. 

All the things I did NOT do nor would even consider doing this past week.

  

1.  I did NOT spend an obscene amount of time trying to figure out this blog carnival thingy. Trying to connect the original blog of MckMama to mine and bring over the Not me Monday button...OMG, I was NOT screaming at my computer calling it horrible names and threatening it bodily harm if necessary.  

2.  I did NOT forgo most personal care and hygiene that would include but, is not limited to shaving my legs.  Wow, when it starts to itch and really need a good brushing it is time to shave but, I did NOT push on through that and go ANOTHER three days beyond the already before mentioned gorilla type long growth.  THREE ADDITIONAL DAYS!!! 

3. I did NOT nearly bowl my children over running into the house after a weekend at the relaxing, snowy, beautiful, non wifi, cut off from the entire cyberworld cabin to get online.  

4.  I am NOT secretly jealous that my youngest daughter starts preschool today and my super hot hubby is going to have two hours of uninterrupted time to do whatever he pleases three days a week.  Nope, not jealous in the least if he chooses to mop the floor, do the dishes, and prepare dinner.

5.  I did NOT think that the snack we had on the way home from the cabin that consisted of curly fries, a small soda and shake was dinner.  It isn't right?  

The Rules

I needed to come up with a list of rules for entering and exiting the shiny, new, pretty truck.  The rules only apply to those that are under 10 years of age and/or of the male species or stinky.  I want to keep the truck smelling new for as long as possible.  So, that being said my list is short yet important.

1.  No drinking in the truck.  I do not want that musty smell of water that has been spilled and never cleaned up. 

2.  No eating in the truck.  I am so tired of having goldfish crackers stuck to my ass it isn't even funny anymore. 

3.  A bath within the last 24 hours is necessary prior to entering the truck.  Yes, soap and washing is necessary.  This one is a little more difficult to monitor as I have to take your word for it...and this makes me a little anxious.

4.  My super hot hubby is NEVER EVER allowed within the confines of the truck.  It is an open bed so he can ride in the back. OK this one is a little bit mean so as long as he follows rules 1-3 he can ride in the truck.

5.  No mexican food within the last 48 hours prior to riding in the truck.  This one, I will not budge on.  

While I understand that the truck will not stay all pretty and shiny and new smelling forever..If I just keep the kids and super hot hubby out of it, it will stay that way for a lot longer.  

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday.  This blog carnival was created by MckMama (http://mycharmingkids.net)  You can head over to her blog and read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.  

I am going to take part in a blog carnival, y'all.  I have no idea what it is or what to do but, sounds so fun and how do you pass up a carnival?  Not Me Monday...all the things that I certainly did NOT do this past week.

I did NOT do a celebratory dance when I ran 2.5 miles without stopping. I was too out of breath to dance.  

I did NOT allow my children to come in my bed three times this last week only to kick my husband out of the very same bed.  

I did NOT buy a carton of ice cream and only allow my children to have one scoop of it. I mean, come on,  it was mint and chip and on sale. Only a mean mom would only allow them one scoop.  

I did NOT tell my children that I was not a mean mom and that they are lucky to have a mommy like me because I give them ice cream (albeit one scoop but, some kids never get ice cream, ever).

I did NOT say these actual words to my child..."Please, don't take my picture while I am going to the bathroom.  Wait, get back here...give me that camera"  "Are you kidding me, you took my picture?"  

I know, that would just be weird if that one happened.  

Feeling the Love

I am so happy that my whining and complaining at least got a few new followers.  I want you all to know that I will NOT use that to my advantage again (well, as long as I still have my followers).  Three Bay B Chicks has told me that a blog carnival is a way to get some more followers.  I have no idea what a blog carnival is but, my goodness, it sounds fun.  Is there cotton candy there?  I love me some cotton candy.  

I am also happy to report that I was able, for the very first time I might add, to run the entire 2.5 miles without stopping.  The applause is really loud in my head right now. I have come across a little problem in that I was only able to do so since I ran by myself and didn't have my partner to talk to.  I absolutely still hate it and will never love it but, I have received many people telling me that I look good.  I was thinking it was the great jeans I have recently purchased but, alas it was not.  This irritates the heck out of me because it reminds me that I need to keep running.  Sad but, true.  I hate it when others are right.  

Love-Hate relationships

We all have them...just admit it.  You will feel better when you do. I have several things that I love one minute and then can't stand another minute.  For example, ah hem, self check out at the grocery store. 

On a recent outing to the local grocery store to get some staples for the family...bread, fresh fruit, veggies and milk (right...what I meant to say is ice cream, Butterfingers and beer...lots and lots of beer), I decided to use the self check out.  I stood in line...waiting, since two of the four machines were not working. The person in front of me that looked to be about 50 years old was carded for buying wine.  He also decided to pay in all one dollar bills.  He would put them in one at a time and some would get spit back out...ya, you know this moment?  

I finally got up to the machine and there were "unexpected items" in the bagging area. Once I figured out that the item was apparently a ghost, I was ready to roll.   Of course, my little buggers are with me and wanting to get all over the self check out machine. Wanting to scan and push the buttons. Were these the "unexpected items" that the machine was so lovingly referring to? I think not.  Every time we scanned something, an item was removed from the bagging area and I had to figure out which one it was and put it back on the bagging area.  A line had begun to form with glaring eyes staring me down.  I was not afraid, I was quite certain I could take the angry mob or at least run faster than them.  When I was done paying, cursing, screaming, crying, laughing...I realized that I was not carded for the beer.  I was sad since the 50 year old man in front of me that was so clearly over 21, had to whip out his i.d.  All I needed at that moment, was a little bit of lying...I would have taken pity even. "Excuse me Miss, I am quite certain that you are over 21 but, I just need to check anyone's i.d. that does not appear to be over 30."  I would respond with a coy smile and a "really?  I am over 30 but, ok, if you must"  This is the hate part of the relationship.  I so feel the love when I go in by myself and can get a few things and get out of there so fast I even amaze myself. That is the love...do you feel it?

Why do people leave me?

This is not a question that I want you to answer out loud. Just think to yourself for one second...why? oh why? would someone want to become a follower of this wonderful, light hearted, funny blog and then remove themselves from the following list?  Why??  Do I need to remind you that I am fragile?  I am fragile like grandmas china.  I try really hard not to take these things personally but,  come on people...WTH?? I used to love to look down in my followers section and see five thumbnails, FIVE.  Not a number to shout off of rooftops about but, it was five.  Today THREE!!! Where is everyone going?  I do not want to be a blog stalker but, I will if you make me.  Please don't call me high maintenance...as I am clearly NOT.  So, I give you a challenge...you up for it?  Of course you are my bloggy friends.  Please, for the love of ice cream, eye candy, and a good beer...add your thumbnail to my following list.  I know, I know...kinda pimpin my self out here but, it is just sad. THREE???  Don't get me wrong, I love the three I have but, it is just pathetic to know that I don't even have enough of a following to raise a ruckus of any kind.  So, there you have it...I am throwing the gauntlet to you my friends.  Let's see what you can do!!!  

WTH???

Can anyone guess what the heck this is?  This image has not been enhanced in any way, shape or form.  I swear...that is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Hint:  It is NOT, I repeat NOT, a chew toy of any kind for a dog we do not have!!! 

 This ridiculously hairy, furry and

 nappy critter it a staple in our house.  She goes with us everywhere.  She sheds just like a real dog...can you believe that is a dog?  I find myself covered in little white fur all the time.  She is a webkin and my youngest daughter had her choice of about 30 different webkins and this is the one she chooses?  White?  Fluffy? All crazy lookin?  Of course she does.  She has been washed, brushed and fluffed and this is how she looks 24/7!!!  

Visitor

I have an ongoing visitor that comes to my house every month.  For a few days, this "chick" comes that no one seems to know or even likes for that matter.  I wish I could slam the door on her and tell her "I don't want what your selling, B#*$@h!!"  Instead, she sneaks in without a sound or any warning at all and sets up camp in my living room!  I hate this girl...so irritating and irrational and demanding and fat and weepy...HATE HER!!  I have no idea how to stop her from coming over so we all just try to ride out her visit. Maybe if we welcome her with open and loving arms...her visit could be tolerable?  Not sure, I will have to think about that one.   

This person that I speak of is me and one time a month I am completely transformed into a girl I do not recognize. My poor, super hot hubby...I feel so bad for him. He tries to be nice, but that is not what I want.  He tries to stay away but, I want him near to tell me I am lovely and sweet and skinny.  He tries to do that, then I literally push him away.   So, he retreats to the only peace he can find, tv, hiking, shed out back, underground bunker...the more psychotic I become, the more he retreats.  The more he retreats, the more I weep...do you get what I am sayin? Poor man!!!  Then as quickly as she comes in...she packs her bags and leaves. No warning, no sounds until next month.  

Out with the old...In with the new

OMG, OMG, OMG...Guess what, guess what, guess what??? Come on...Guess!!! My husband is looking at a new truck right now as I type this.  I feel like a little girl on Christmas morning waiting (not very patiently I might add) for him to bring my present. I am basically sitting here with my face pressed up against the widow breathing heavily, waiting, waiting, still waiting.  I cannot imagine what it will be like to open the door to the beautiful truck and not be knocked over by the smell.  Every time...seriously not kidding, knocked down by the smell and would sit there with my nose crinkled up for a few seconds EVERY DAY!!!  He asked me if I cared about the color or if I wanted anything on it that wasn't standard.  Basically, I don't give a rat's ass what color it is...it could be orange with flames down the side or with a giant Barney dinosaur on it for all I care, as long as it smells...normal.  A nice pretty smell would be good but, I am not pushing it here.   I am so excited about this purchase...so excited in fact, that super hot hubby may be gettin lucky!!! After it passes the smell test, of course. 

I Was Running

Forrest Gump says it best.  So, to catch you up...I am still running and still hating it and still sucking wind every step of the way.  I no longer picture pushing my running partner into the traffic but, I am quite certain that on the right morning after a bad nights sleep, and her ever so cheerful face, the thought would creep back in.  I STILL cannot run the entire 2.5 miles of hell without stopping which I don't understand why that is.  I am certain it has to do with all the chit chat that happens between my "pawd-ner" and all. We don't stop talking...EVER!!!  

The night before the run is the worst.  I am usually grumpy and irritable (no different, really). I swear my alarm clock will end up in the toilet one of these mornings.  Let's just hope that it is not tomorrow. 

Ahhh, an adult evening.

I took the advice of counselormama and decided it was time to have an evening away from the kids...er, I mean an evening for them to enjoy with their cousins.  I would love to tell you that my super hot hubby had some great evening planned for me. One where I could slip into my jeans that fit just right and head out for a wonderful evening filled with conversation and laughter.  Let's be real, I spent the evening in my pj's, with slippers I might add, my contacts came out of my eyes early, and we ate dinner in the living room. Not at the table by candlelight but, on the floor no less of the living room.  We watched a god awful movie that really freaked me out and depressed me.  The second I saw it was in subtitles, I knew I was in trouble.  Why couldn't it just be a "chick flick", one that the guy realizes his mistakes and he comes back to the girl of his dreams?  WHY???  All of this is ok with me though.  You see, it is not the night that the kids are gone that I love...it is the morning.  It is waking up in my own bed without a foot up my nose or scrunched over on a sliver of the bed or the smell of pee pee in my face at 5:30 am because the pull up is wet again.  All of these things were absent for just one morning.  It was pure bliss. 

Mourning Period

I have done it!!!  Finally!!  I broke down and ordered me a cell phone.  All these years I have been without a cell phone to call my own.  I know, pick your mouth up off your keyboard...it is the truth.  I was holding out for my little slice of hand held heaven (Iphone) to no avail.  My lame and cheap hubby should have got it for me for Christmas or Santa could have brought it to me.  I mean, I did have a long talk with Santa at the mall after pushing my kids off his lap.  But, he did not bring it. Apparently, I have been naughty which I am quite sure is true but, I don't have to like it.  I have been trying to order this phone for the last month but, when ever I would go to the page to confirm the order...I just couldn't complete the transaction.  I was hoping that I would get my one true love for Christmas. Can you imagine what super hot hubby may have received from me if he got it for me?  Or what Santa would have received? Well, they didn't so, let's not even go there.  So, I ordered some phone that looks nice but, it isn't shiny and pretty like the iphone that I have been visiting with at the apple store. It will take 3 - 5 business days to get it in the mail so, I will use that time wisely.  I will mourn my Iphone and begin to get excited for the stupid new and ,I am sure, quite lame cell phone.  I think I can, I think I can.

Not for the Faint of Stomachs

OK seriously, this post will completely and totally gross you out.  I have been considering telling you all this story but, have held off only because I don't want to lose my blog friends by making you throw up on your computers.  So, if you have a weak stomach, have gag reflex at the very mention of vomit, or just don't want to be grossed out...then I suggest you stop reading.  If you are like me, you couldn't take your eyes off this post at this point and will continue to read the "train wreck" and then be grossed out beyond belief.

My oldest daughter was sick for 15 days with some sort of stomach infection, or so the Dr says.  Let me tell you in all honesty, it was one of those moments that you hate being a mom...seeing your little one cuddling a bucket, the smells, and the clean up was beyond normal.  At the third Dr visit, I was told that we would be taking her for some "tests" to find out what is happening inside of her.  My medical diagnosis?  She had become possessed by demons...DEMONS I tell you!!!!  When I took her to the lab for the "tests", I found out they weren't really tests at all but, they were "samples".  Yes, "samples" of what was coming out of my child.  There were three jars with fluids in them and three "smear" packets that needed to be done.  I gagged a little just then as I was typing that.  While the "smears" were the easiest of the samples...it was the timing of the incident that could not have been more profound.  

I was on my way out the door for a 7:00 AM meeting to thank an organization for giving me a ton of money to go shopping for the kids at my school.  My oldest daughter says..."mommy, I have to go to the bathroom."  I say "NOOOOO!!!"  (in my mind but, of course being the great mom that I am, I just roll my eyes and give her the "hat" to go in).  That is right, a hat, people.  My super hot hubby is, of course, in bed like any self respecting husband would be during this time.  After the sample is collected...I begin to scoop, yes scoop,  out little samples in order to fill the little vials to a certain line.  I am gagging and at one point, thought...now this is gross, "if I threw up in this sample, would they even know?"  The worst part of this whole process was we had to put a sample in the freezer for three days (of course this happened on Friday and we weren't able to take it to the lab until Monday).  We joked about having a "poo popsicle" in the freezer...and then gagged a little.  I can't even give you all the details of this process as I am sure I have blocked it out of my memory for several reasons but, I do remember that this is (by far) the grossest thing I have encountered.  So, now you need to make me feel better by telling me your grossest moment ever.  Seriously, I want to hear it.  Give it to me straight, hold nothing back, I can take it!!! 

Not a Good Beginning

I spent most of the day today in a foul mood and I don't know why.  I was snapping at the kids, my super hot hubby, the cats, anything that got in my war path.  By high noon today, I was headed to the OK corral (my living room) to square off with someone and I didn't care who it was, they were all on my last nerve today...and I have a lot of nerve.    My youngest was whining and fussing, my oldest was tattling and being bossy, and my super hot hubby is OBSESSED with the baseboards and the wires in the house right now.  He spent a good portion of the morning under the house moving a phone wire from one side of the room to the other.  Why?  One might be asking?  Who the hell knows.  It seemed fine to me where it was but, nothing else was happening today until this task was completed.  I had visions of putting the cover back on the hole and keeping him down there but, I could still hear him and the cat had gone down there with him and I wouldn't want to do that to the poor little kitty.  

I made my husband take the kids out to the park or the knife shop or the freeway for at least an hour so that I could compose myself.  By this point, I had got so worked up that I believe my head was spinning around in circles and I was shouting obscenities and spitting fire.  It was a good thing he could pick up on my subtle hints.