Things Kids Say....

Maybe I should say...Things MY kids say. They keep me in stitches most of the time. Is it bad that I enjoy them most when they are asleep? Don't answer that...but, I honestly do. They are so peaceful and usually smell good after taking a bath. I love to lay in bed with them and snuggle with their sweet little arms around my neck. They are delightful...USUALLY.

Now, anyone with kids knows that those little precious angels can turn on you...and turn fast!! I am constantly getting an eye roll from my oldest one and she is only 8!!! My youngest copies everything her sister does so, I get it from her as well. The double eye roll is what makes my blood boil. When they look at each other and both roll their eyes in unison...as if they are ganging up on me. My jaw dropped to the floor when my oldest said "You annoy me sometimes." Say huh? EXCUSE ME!!!! Did I NOT push you out of my body? Did I NOT withstand a pain that is unimaginable for hours in order to meet you? Would you like to step back into my uterus and give this another try?

My youngest likes to make people laugh. She says things that she knows will get a reaction from people and she says them loudly and with enough sass to fill a room. She makes up her own words and somedays we are dealing with opposite days where yes means no and sometimes it is opposite opposite day where yes means no means yes. I know....I can't follow it either. She tells me when I am wrong and she uses the word "seriously" all too much. "Mommy, you are seriously wrong...no seriously." I cannot carry on a conversation with that child without a smile of some sort. They say laughter is the best medicine...then I am in good shape.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

Oh how I love thee "What I Meant to Say" Wednesdays...let me count the ways. One day where I get to say exactly what I wished I could have said and for whatever reason I didn't....PERFECT!! Head on over to Chief's and check out what she meant to say.

When reading Chiefs blog and hearing that she is taking a break from the internet for a while, I said..."Awww, I will miss her and hope she is back soon." What I meant to say was..."What the Hell? Where is she going? Why is she leaving for a while? How can she do this? Just when we found each other in blogland too? GEEZ." (In all seriousness, I will miss Chief but, understand her need for a hiatus to deal with some issues.)

When super hot hubby told me how good I looked one morning as I was walking out the door on my way to work, my response was..."Aww, thanks honey...have a good day." What I meant to say is..."Maybe you should call the Dr. today....did you fall down and hit your head? How many fingers and am I holding up?"

During that stupid play that I am in...the mean director YELLED at me and asked.."Ummm, excuse me, but, can you transcend matter?" My response was.."huh? ummm, no...wait am I supposed to do that?" Then water works began...so embarrassing. What I meant to say was..."Hey!!! Lady!!! What is your problem? Why don't you bring your fat cankles over here and say that to my face? NO? Oh I didn't think so..."

After one of the performances of the stupid play the fat cankled director told me. "Wow, you did great..you really killed it in the second act. Why can't you do that the entire show?" My response was..."Thanks? I think?" What I meant to say was..." I hope a lightning bolt strikes you on the head. I really do."

Opening Day

Opening day of the stupid play went off without a hitch...that's right...All went well. I was nervous up until the very second I got in my place to begin. The theater was far from sold out but, there was a good number of people there. There was this one kid sitting in the second row...with glasses?? Ya, you know who you are..you little punk!!!...He kept interrupting me as I was speaking which was pretty annoying to say the least. I stayed on cue and was actually able to respond to him...IN CHARACTER no less...and basically told him to shut up (nicely of course).

Super hot hubby was at my beck and call all day long. He was so supportive and actually got angry when the stupid director yelled at me AGAIN!! Even if he wasn't mad or if he didn't think she yelled all that much...he played along at least. Still not sure if I will do this again but, at least the end result has been good. I will say this...the stupid director and I will NOT be friends after this show. Not even "good book friends"...seriously, THAT is a big deal.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

I am so excited for another round of what I meant to say...I mean REAL excited I could almost piddle. Jump on over and check out what Chief meant to say as well...she is a hoot!!!

So, here it goes...my weekly "therapy" of keepin' it real.

To the director of the play that I so carelessly tried out for and clearly did not think all the way through...ya THAT director...who obviously does not see how freakin funny I really am and went on a rampage about saying I was upstaging myself in a scene and my sweet outwardly response was "oh, sorry...so you want me stand here? Got it." What I meant to say is..."Don't freakin yell at me..I cry easily and honestly you don't want me to cry. I have no freakin idea what the hell upstaging means and why you are so damn upset about it. JUST.BE.NICE and I might be more inclined to follow your directions...I said MIGHT you BEEYYAATTCCHH!!!! Really...how hard is it to be nice?"

I was holding that one in for a while..I really don't think she will be my friend after this show...and I would totally knock her ass off the stage if I wasn't in front of the children during rehearsals...I need to be a good role model and all that crap.

To the rest of the cast of this play....I said nothing...but, what I meant to say is..."What in God's name is wrong with you people? Why is this woman allowed to yell at unpaid actors that are doing her a favor by putting on this show? It is a CHILDREN'S fairytale show...with children in the cast...COME ON PEOPLE....if we ban together we can totally take her...actually if she is yelling at you then, she isn't yelling at me so, carry on...good work."

And finally to my Judgy friend (whom I adore but, we see things a bit differently)...what I said was..."Yes it is a stupid rule. I don't think a 6 year old should be suspended for making a hand gesture that resembled a gun on school grounds." What I meant to say is...."HOLD UP!!! When you work in a school with those little buggers, you let me know how you would handle a kid flipping you off or trying to fire you and telling you that you couldn't even work at Burger King because you were so ugly and then telling me that she was going to go home and get a gun and kill me like in mortal combat...5 years old that sweet little GIRL was (true story...actually happened to me and I totally didn't deserve that since I was wearing my jeans that make my ass look good and I just got a hair cut so I think I was presentable enough for Burger King...just sayin') Is it a ridiculous rule? Of course it is...but, a rule none the less. And...AND (I have more here)....the kid had been warned...parents had been warned that it was not appropriate for school. PERIOD!!! People need to take responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. Seriously!!!! Can't we all just get along...let's maybe try not to even gesture whether a gun or a middle finger...I don't like either one...and I would totally knock you on your ass if you flipped me off...oh ya I could and you know it." and cue "We are the World" music.

AND SCENE....this is where I take my bow and you all throw roses onto my soapbox!!

"What I meant to say" Wednesdays

Now THIS?? THIS is a blog carnival I can wrap my pea brain around. I can say exactly what I want to say to the immature, crazy, people that I come in contact with every day??? PICK ME, PICK ME!! I want to play...

So, play along (or not)...but, it is sure to be fun.

Without further ado...

At a staff meeting yesterday as the VP was talking about needing to notify parents if their child is in jeopardy of failing and veered off on a strange path and began discussing bunnies and spring...after an awkward laugh and a roll of my eyes to a coworker...what I meant to say is "Are you freakin kidding me? We are talking about bunnies hopping and spring in a staff meeting? THAT is 45 minutes I will NEVER get back again. Please, please, please don't waste my time with your bunny nonsense."

Oh feels so good...you really should try this people...

NEXT, while on the good book (facebook) and catching up on all my friends and reading all the status updates to be well informed as to the happenings (it is my nightly news...really it is). I begin to read update upon update about how great people's spouses and kids are...with a small gag reflex at someone telling me that their husband is the best ever that THEN led to an out and out war between three people as to who had the best husband??? My facebook response was..."aww how sweet." What I meant to say is..."I want to jam pencils in my eyeballs from all this nonsense about how great your spouses are. I get that they are wonderful and all but, please do that privately...why not just start awkwardly making out on facebook...GEEZ!!! GET A ROOM!!"

Ahhh, one more down...I could get used to this...

To the concerned parent who called me to report that her child was getting two F's and all she cares about is her friends and her phone and what was I (the counselor) going to do about it? My response was..."I appreciate your concern and hope we can work together to get little "Jane" on track. Clearly, you see the importance of her education and want to do whatever it takes to help her to be successful....blah blah blah" NOW, what I meant to say..."Take away her stupid phone, you moron, and keep her home UNTIL she finishes her homework...oh ya, and maybe, just maybe, you might want to look at her being on the cheer squad as a distraction? I don't know...just sayin'. I am only a counselor...my job description no where states that I am a surrogate parent...if she didn't come out of my hooha...I can only do so much!! I mean...seriously!!"

Oh my goodness, that felt so good. I can totally get on board with this carnival. LOVE IT...Thanks Chief!!!