I have not fallen and hurt myself, in case you were wondering....

Forgive me my loyal blog followers, it has been too long since my last blog post. I am hoping I have not lost too many of my wonderful readers and I really have no excuse, except for starting back to school and being super busy with soccer and back to school nights and kids and everything but, I KNOW I KNOW...there is no excuse for my absence.

I have started back to school and nothing provides me with more stories then working in a school. I used to think that elementary school was THE BEST place to get some funny stories but, I think the middle school exceeds my expectations. They keep me on my toes with the D-R-A-M-A. I had a young girl come in my office crying and so upset she could hardly talk. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was upset because she was absent from school the day before and she just found out that her best friend got a boyfriend and broke up with him and she wasn't "there for her" ...uh huh...I totally see why she was sooooo upset. Makes perfect sense...no?

Today I had the pleasure of meeting a young boy who believes he is a wizard. No really...an honest to goodness wizard. He is a sweet boy and I think I need to befriend him so that he doesn't put a spell on me. He was talking to me about what he likes about school and I was asking him about his friends. He stated he had no friends and this made me sad. I asked him why because he seemed like a nice enough kid (except for the wizardry and all that) and he told me he doesn't have friends because he doesn't brush his teeth. I was perplexed by this reasoning and I asked him...."Wait...what? or better yet why don't you brush your teeth?" His response? "Well, I don't like toothpaste and I end up spitting it all over the mirror." Oh right...I get it...wait...WHAT? Do you see the connection? Ya...me neither. I just told him not to lead with that information and he will be making friends in no time....or maybe he can just spell some kids into being his friend. Either way...it is going to be a fun year.

Some of Life's Greatest Lessons are Learned on a Pub Crawl

After completing my college years, I thought for sure, I would never be on another pub crawl EVER!!! I enjoyed the pub crawl back in the day but, I am just too sophisticated to do THOSE kinds of things anymore. I mean...SERIOUSLY, who has time to be gallivanting all over town doing Jager Bombs and playing a drinking golf game? NOT ME!!! Low and behold my wonderful neighbors who love to have a great time invited me on a pub crawl. Now, first of all....we all have kids so we left at 2:00 PM instead of the regular rowdy crowd that goes until the wee hours of the morning. Good call. I have had a day to mull over the happenings of last night and I have learned some very valuable lessons from my evening (ok ok late afternoon) on the streets.

1. Hydration is key. Don't be fooled into thinking that because you are drinking a beer chaser after a shot of Patron that you have fulfilled your water quota...even if it is Bud Light or Coors Light.

2. Tequila was my friend again for one night and one night only. I LOVE it but, it is like a one night stand....you wake up thinking "What the hell did I do?" Only to look over and see an empty Patron bottle...(hanging head in shame).

3. Don't underestimate the importance of comfortable shoes. Looking cute is NOT the most important thing in a pub crawl. The most important thing is to REMAIN on your feet and sometimes heels or high wedges hinder one's ability to remain upright.

4. Wear cute, somewhat new, and clean undergarments. We are all mom's and wives and sometimes...well, I don't put a lot of money or time into the undergarments anymore. Who cares....right? Well, when exiting the bathroom at the 6th bar it is imperative to ensure that your undergarments are in fact UNDER you clothes and not hanging out for all to see...Just sayin'. Of course, all the women told her that her bra was really pretty and wondered where she got it.

5. Five pubs....good...really, really good. Six pubs? Bad...very very bad. Pace yourself..don't go crazy at bar number 1....it is downhill from there.

6. Play the drinking golf game even if you don't get it. Adds some excitement to the evening. Lowest score wins....that is all you need to know.

7. There are some really weird people that hang out at bars at 3:00 in the afternoon. We are not those people since we just went that one time but, WOW!!! How do people get that drunk at 3:00...oh wait...my bad...moving on.

8. Always remember the extra credit points during the game. No injuries to self or others (otherwise you add 2 points...and yes we had injuries to others in a horrible angry pen incident).

9. I can hold my pee for a freakishly long period of time. While this may not seem overly amazing to anyone...us pub crawlers know it got me -4 points. I could have won the whole game but, sadly the shuffleboard was not my friend that night. What would I have won you might be asking? NOTHING...just the status of saying I won. All that pee holding for nothing? DANG...

10. Nothing says "pub crawl" like a 9:00 PM run in the pub crawl van to Taco Bell with 10 drunk people SCREAMING out their order. I didn't even order anything and somehow I ended up with a Nacho Supreme and Mexican Pizza.

We had such a great time and I still wonder why after each stop we got progressively louder. I felt bad for the woman driving us around....she had no idea what was in store for her. She DID come prepared though for the aftermath in the front seat...ouch. The pub crawl van had seen better days.

English, Por Favor

You all KNOW how much I love comments...Good, bad, indifferent...don't care (ok yes, I do care since I like comments where you all agree with me and all my wonderfulness) . I get excited when I have double digit comments. My only request is that you leave your comments IN ENGLISH. I know, I know...how rude of me not to embrace different people's culture and some might even call me racist but, FYI...I do NOT speak any form of Chinese or Japanese (and sadly I have no idea which language my Asain followers are even speaking). I am excited about the "global" status that my simple little blog has obtained but, COME ON!!!! English please people...ENGLISH!!!!

It is Looming Over Me Like a Ton of Bricks

It is THAT time of year again....I begin to see backpacks in the store...let me rephrase that...I NOTICE backpacks in the stores again. They put those buggers out before school even gets out sometimes but, I never notice them until I realize we are almost there. The first day of school is rapidly approaching. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't there...it is like the mice or rats that live somewhere in everyone's attic. No seriously...the air conditioning guy told me that EVERYONE has mice or rats..and I was all.."uh no, we don't" and he was all "I have never been in a house that didn't and I have been doing this for 26 years" and I was all..."well, maybe I will be your first" and he was all.."I don't think so." BASTARD and then we didn't hire him...HA...so, we don't have any mice or rats. PHEW....

Back to the first day of school, I actually love the first day of school...I really do. The kids are so freakin excited and everything is new and fresh. I remember my parents buying me my Trapper Keepers and getting them all organized and laying out my clothes the day before. As a counselor, I can pretty much be assured that it is the ONLY day we have zero behavior problems. Most teachers won't send kids on the very first day and most kids behave at least on the first day...right? I am starting a new school next year and I am so excited. Working with middle school kids is a challenge but, they are so much easier then the itty bitty guys. Their issues seem bigger but, they are easier to deal with. The little guys would take an hour just to get them to stop crying only to hear them say that "Chamapagne (a real name...seriously) hit me and we were friends and now she doesn't like me." An hour? Really? "Give her a few days sweetie she will come around...here is a sticker and I will see you in a few days." Counseling skills at it's finest, don't you think? With middle school kids they really do want my help (for the most part) and their problems usually involve a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent or teacher, in order of importance. I can handle a friend issue, break up drama, parents bugging them and teacher giving them a bad grade all in one hour or less. Mostly because they talk so fast but, whatever....I get the job done.

So, the first day of school is just around the corner and the idea of starting all over with a new staff and new kids is a bit overwhelming. I can only be charming and sweet for so long, you know? I am already thinking about what great thing I did over the summer to share with the staff on the first staff day. Needs to be super cool but, not showy...first impressions are sometimes tough to overcome. I still have a few more days of summer bliss but, it is lurking...I just know it.

I am Riding my Theory Train all the Way to the Today Show

I have a theory...a GOOD theory. I do believe it will get me on Oprah someday...ok, maybe not Oprah but, maybe The Today Show or something. I do LOVE Matt Lauer...if your reading Matt, I would happily come on your show. So, I have been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs. Marriage is tough and people don't realize this prior to saying their "I do's". If I would have known what I know now, I still would have married Super Hot Hubby (what can I say...I was drunk) but, I certainly would have had a different perspective. You see, I have been fighting the "system" for 10 years thus wreaking havoc on my life. I am here to enlighten you all with my words of wisdom and to save all the marriages of the world.

My theory is quite easy and can be broken down into 2 categories....A. Men are simple and B. Women are mean. Easy Peasy, right? Now, I know my readers are predominantly women so all the women out there that just gasped at the very thought of being mean just close your mouth and let me explain. Now, men are sooooooo simple, seriously, come on now ladies we all know that for men it is about the sex. Super hot hubby denies this and says it is about the intimacy and not NECESSARILY the sex..I know, made me laugh too. To that, I say...BULL. It is ALL about the sex for men. "When am I going to get it?" "What do I have to do to get it?" "I did this last week and I got sex and now nothing...what gives?" See? Men want to make their wives happy...they really do. I used to think super hot hubby wanted to piss me off...sometimes I think he really does but, for the most part they want to make us happy...(as long as it involves sex).

Now, women KNOW this information (although we deny knowing it and want to believe men when they say "awww honey I understand, let's just snuggle" knowing that we have only pacified the beast) and yet, we use that very thing that men want most as a weapon. We women believe if we with hold the one most important thing to men, they will do what we want them to do. Here is where it gets tricky....you see? Men never know what we want and honestly, they never will. Women keep switching things up on them. What got men sex last week no longer works...see? MEAN!! And we expect them to KNOW what we want even though we have changed it all up on them.

So, Yes, Women are mean and men want sex but, here is where my theory comes to fruition ( I have always wanted to use that word...there you have it...fruition). I BELIEVE that all it takes is one month. Those that are willing to try this out...I need feed back. So, men that are reading (two of you? How ever many there are out there) you are to be extremely nice to your women, no matter what they throw at you (words or dishes or whatever). One month of doing exactly as they want you to do. When they snap at you...you just apologize and tell them "Yes, honey, I will take the kids out for a little bit so you can sit and watch Bachelorette" Throw in an "I love you" every now and then. Here is the kicker...ready? You do all this with expecting NOTHING in return. I believe that it will take only a couple of weeks before a woman realizes that her man is really wanting to make her happy and she will give up all the goods willingly and happily.

Now for the women? I ain't gonna lie...this will not sound like a good theory but, trust me...try it. You must "be intimate" whenever he wants it. You must act like you want to do this (I KNOW..sounds crazy but, just do it) and take all anger, rage, resentment, etc. out of the act and just do it. I, again, think it will take only a couple of weeks before you have him taking out the garbage and washing the dog without being asked...ok, got a little carried away there but, he will do whatever you need to make you happy. I really believe that men want their wives to be truly happy but, it is a vicious circle here people. Someone must break the cycle so, I throw down the gauntlet to all my readers (and Matt Lauer)...give it a whirl and report back as to how things are going.

We're BAAACCCKK!!!

Yes, I have returned after 11 days of vacationing with the family. Awesome trip but, REALLY glad to be home. In the past 11 days I have: lived off the grid, spent an obscene amount of time with my in laws extended family and loved it, and lived out of a suitcase. The kids had a fantastic time getting dirty and staying up late giggling with their cousins. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed the "off the grid" life. I didn't shower for a few days...4 to be exact but, who was counting. I considered the kids somewhat clean if they came in contact with water of some sort throughout the day (ocean even counted) and we experimented with hairstyles to hide the dirt...ponytails and braids were a big hit.

I was a bit taken back when we arrived since I thought that we would be completely away from anything and everything. I envisioned fetching water (which the guys did), bathroom in a pit type thing, and heating water over an open flame. Much to my surprise...we had drinking water that did not involve filtering but, it did involve fetching and we had a bathroom with a flush toilet but, it was prefaced by the saying of "if it's yellow let it mellow..." ( I was happy to have some sort of plumbing so who cares) and we were able to cook via gas stove top.

We spent days jumping from the pier, playing board games and running a muck and nights catching fireflies and chatting by the moonlight. We came home with so many bug bites it is amazing we have any blood left inside our bodies and the desire to return in the future. It was AWESOME!!!

Unplugged

I am unplugging for a bit and I am quite nervous about it. What will I do? I have no idea...but, feel like it is necessary to do...for now. What does unplugging mean, you ask? Well, I will not be checking e-mails, the good book, blogs...NADA!!! I KNOW...CRAZY..right? Yes, totally crazy but, in all honesty I am doing this more because of the fact that I don't want to be tied to a computer for the summer. Actually to be TOTALLY honest, we are headed out of town with limited internet service and sometimes even limited electricity and indoor plumbing...OMG...not sure which one of those stresses me out more. So, rather then have you all wondering where I went (as I know you would...right? RIGHT??? OMG....RIGHT???), I will return in about 13 days and a few odd hours...wish me luck. We will see how long it is before I head to an internet cafe to get me some "face time" with the good book. I am betting on 3 days before I start twitching....

Sweet Smell of Summer (or maybe it is beer...I'm not sure)

It is finally here...the day we have been counting down to for 185 days. Today was the last day of school. Bittersweet for me since I am moving schools yet AGAIN. Hoping that I have finally found a home for my belongings...I don't like being the counseling foster child so keeping my fingers crossed that the next site is one I can stay at forever and ever and ever...well, until I die...or retire...whatever. I am thrilled that I no longer will be working with "CRAZY counselor" anymore. Seriously, she was/is crazy beyond belief. Why is it that counselors are crazy? Let's answer that question another time...k?

Working at a high school brought me lots of joy and sorrows (ie crazy counselor). The kids were wonderful and most were mature and some were stoned throughout their entire senior year. What student in their right mind gets high in the staff bathroom? I think I just answered my own question so let's move on. I was able to reconnect with students that I knew when they were in 3rd grade and now they are graduating...sniff sniff. I was able to partake in their graduation ceremony (which was awesome since they sang a Whitesnake song..."Here I go again on my own...going down the only road I've ever know...like a drifter I was born to walk alone"...sigh), take pictures of the kids, and give them hugs right before they got their diploma. Only 5 of the kids that I knew back in the day, graduated...now, some were at different schools, some moved away and sadly some dropped out. 5 out of 40? Not a very good statistic. I will say this though...the district I work in is HUGE and kids have many options of high schools to attend. We also have a high transient population with families and kids moving several times. So foreign to me since the majority of the kids I went to grade school with went on to graduate from the one high school in my district. No...wait...6...there were 6 of the original crew...PHEW. 6 out of 40. I feel much better now. Celebrate the successes....otherwise I go crazy...HEY...maybe that is what happened with the "crazy counselor" lady?

Congratulations to the class of 2010!!

Crazy is as Crazy does....

Crazy is following me these days. I, often times, stop myself mid conversations when I reference other people's insanity, to figure out if it is really me that is crazy or if my thoughts are in fact true...I attract crazy behavior like a moth to a flame. I work with crazy...I live with crazy...I was raised by crazy...I am friends with crazy. Now, all of you reading this are thinking... "Hey I raised her....is she thinking I am crazy?" Yes, mom...you are crazy but, in a good way, k? And no, I am not in the trunk of someone's car nor have I been kidnapped. OR "Hey, I hang out with her, is she talking about me being crazy" SEE? This is what I think ALL.THE.TIME. Maybe it is me....I have no idea but, the crazy adds spice to my life. I do NOT like the crazy at work though...she really IS crazy and I don't mean crazy in a nice and funny way. She talks to herself, she says I am texting in meetings even though I don't have my phone with me, she says I talk too loud (I will give her that one) and she hates me for no reason. I mean NO REASON AT ALL. I am likable, I am sweet, I am funny and all that crap...what is not to like (aside from me being loud)? Glad the year is almost over so I can meet new crazy people.

Hola Senor Frogs

Now, this may come as quite a surprise to you but my mother was in Mexico last week. Apparently she felt comfortable enough to take a cruise down there even though there is some violence and muggings and kidnappings going on. Rest assured, she would peek her head out of the gangway of the ginormous ship to see if it was safe...and then and ONLY THEN, she would proceed with caution and not trust anyone.

She dawned her Hawaiian shirt, capris, sandals and fanny pack and headed into the port towns in search of the best deals available to tourists (oxymoron, I know). Low and behold, in Cabo she came across the authentic Mexican hangout of Senor Frogs. If anyone went to college in California (or in my case, went to high school in California) has been to Senor Frogs. This is spring break on crack in Mexico. Lots of underage drinking, bikinis, and tequila. Somewhere along the way, my mom ended up in this establishment and let me assure you she is NOT in college nor is she on spring break. She tells me that she "ended up in a conga line." Huh? How do you just end up in conga line? No idea....Then she says "and every time the conga line passed this guy, he squirted stuff in my mouth." This absolutely freaked me out on many levels: 1. What is he squirting in her mouth? 2. WHAT IS HE SQUIRTING IN HER MOUTH??? Even when I asked her if it was tequila, her response was..."I don't know." How do you NOT know if it is tequila? I played through this whole scenario in my mind and at the conclusion of this train wreck I see my mom...face down on the table at Senor Frogs wearing a sarape, a sombrero and her fanny pack. Let's just hope that didn't happen.

I AM ON THE PHONE

These five words are often muttered by ever single mother. The words begin with a sweet rolling off the tongue...something like "Honey, mommy is on the phone, I will help you in a minute." As the child persists that he or she has an absolute emergency that must be tended to at THIS VERY MOMENT the words become a bit more harsh...something like "Yes, I know your sister pulled your hair and I know you didn't like it but, I really think you can work this out with her." At this very moment, it is easy to get pulled into a conversation with the sad eyed child standing before you but, don't be fooled. There is absolutely nothing that can be worked out at this moment in time...whatever you say to this sweet child will inevitably be the exact opposite of what he or she would like to see happen so this would be followed up with more talking, sometimes yelling and always tears. It is best to just stick to the script of "Mommy, is on the phone and unless you are bleeding PROFUSELY (very important to include profusely because he or she will show you all scabs and what might be a speck of dried blood) you need to let mommy talk." Also, important to cover what profusely means BEFORE getting on the phone as he or she will almost always ask for the definition of the word and possibly the root origin of it. This will not be the end of the conversation with the child...he or she will come back for more and it usually has something to do with they TRIED to work things out on their own but, they just couldn't do it. This is where things get dicey for most. Some quotes I have heard at this point while on the phone with other moms include but, are not limited to:

1. " I SAID I AM ON THE PHONE."
2. " Go to your room!"
3. "OK seriously, you need to stop talking to mommy right now or there will be a consequence."
4. "WHAT!!!"
5. "Why is your sister covered in toothpaste?"
6. "What on earth happened in here?"
7. "This is NOT ok."
8. "Do you see the phone that I am holding in my hand?"
9. "Did you lose an appendage? No...then we are done here."
10. "Why are you watching him go to the bathroom? I don't care that you have to go to, you should not be in the bathroom with your pants down together EVER!!!"

MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE!!!!!

He is Down For The Count

So, super hot hubby has been complaining (and I mean complaining) about a pain in his abdomen...not his ass or his side (those would be me but, in his belly...k?) I told him a couple a months ago it was a hernia and he needed to have it checked. You know, with all my medical expertise and all, I am quite capable of self diagnosing...no really, I am!!! For two months, I have heard things like "It hurts after I run." uh DUH... and "I think it is a virus in my intestines." Ummmmm, NOOOOOOOO I said it was a hernia and, HELLLOOOO, of course it hurts when you run. GEEZ. So, he FINALLY went to the Dr. after two months of me telling him what it was and guess what? Yep, HERNIA!!!! Hmmmm...think I need to get myself a scalpel and just scrub in.

He has his surgery scheduled for between his trips...that is another post entirely...and he is getting stressed about it. He doesn't like needles, he doesn't like being put under, he doesn't like having surgery and he doesn't like the idea of a male Dr. handling his junk in any way shape or form. It didn't help matters when I told him I thought the Dr. was H-O-T nor did it help when I told him I could ask to observe the surgery nor did it help when I told him to make sure he wears comfortable, easy on pants. He asked me why that would be important and I didn't hesitate for a second when I said..."Oh when you wake up to them trying to put your pants on you, you might think you are in the frat house again or something." Ya, not really the best thing to say on so many levels. My bad.

Is This What We Have To Look Forward To?

The following is an excerpt from an honest to goodness...no lie...conversation I had recently. These are the exact words that were written...nothing has been changed. BEWARE: It will make you sit in disbelief for a few minutes so, make sure you have some time before proceeding.

"why is it soem like at me as a failure cause i din';rt go to college."

Direct quote...seriously....Hmmm not really sure what to say about that one.

AND, AND...ready for this?

"nearly everything i know was self taught "

Now THAT I believe.

Things I Learned 8 Years Ago Today

This date for me is always so nostalgic and sentimental. I wake up and think back 8 years ago today and remember where I was at every single moment and how my life changed on this day. THIS is the day that my first daughter was born and I became a mom. Now, we all hear all the little tidbits of information that people give you like "sleep when she sleeps" and "Get an epidural!!" While I listened to all those things, I really just listened to myself since I seem to know me the best....you know?

So, in no particular order...this is what I learned 8 years ago today:

1. An epidural is NOT necessary...Ya, that's right...no epidural and by choice!!! I wanted to see if I could do it and truly it was the most amazing experience of my life...crazy? Maybe...but all you readers that run marathons....now THAT is crazy!!!! I honestly believe that I single handedly scared my best friend Schmiggy to death and she will never have kids...true story!

2. The moment that they lay those sweet little cherub babes on your chest...your life is forever changed. FOR.EVER. My daughters bring me the most joy and the most stress all at the same time. Seeing a child sick or hurt is, by far, the hardest thing EVER!!!

3. As she exits each stage and enters a new one, I am excited and sad all at the same time. I loved watching her walk but, at the same time I knew that her giant diaper bottom wouldn't be bustling around on the floor anymore picking up the Cheerios from breakfast and I was going to actually have to sweep the floor..GASP!!!

4. I become very "mama bear"ish if I need to and I truly believe I could kick anyone's ass if they tried to do anything to my kids. I don't even like it when her friends are mean to her...now, I wouldn't kick her friends ass just yet (that just wouldn't be a fair fight) but, I do have some thoughts about those mean girls on the play ground...I'm just sayin'.

5. I love trying to trick them into holding my hand...I will say things like "Can you hold my hand...I think I may get lost walking into the store" I am needing to get a bit more creative as they get older and wise up to my tactics. I hope that they never grow out of wanting to hold my hand or kiss and hug me...I know they will but, I can hope...right?

6. There is nothing sweeter then when she, without prompting, says..."Mommy I really love you." or "I think you are the best mom ever." She has said both of those things and really I almost cry.

7. I love it when people tell me how beautiful my kids are...I always add something else to them being beautiful like..."Thanks...they are so funny too." or "Ya...you should see how strong they are too." I want them to know there is more to them then their looks.

8. I drink A LOT more now that I have kids then ever before...would it be bad if I think everyone is happier if I drink? WAIT...don't answer that...I think I know the answer. HELL NO that isn't bad...right? OK...good..moving on.

9. I am proud of my little "baby pouch"....ok proud is a little strong but, I guess it doesn't bother me that much. When it does...I just see her pretty little smile or the sparkle in her eye and realize that the little muffin top is so worth it so who cares. Well, I am NOT proud of it when I run into an ex boyfriend or at my high school reunion where no one had them..how is that possible? I have no idea but, I sucked my stomach in that entire night...is that a work out? I think it is..

10. I love cheese and cannot live without it. Now, this tidbit has nothing to do with having kids, I just thought you would like to know...

"What I meant to say" Wednesdays

Oh how I love Wednesdays now...thanks Chief for giving me the liberty to jump up on my soap box and spew things that I don't normally say out loud. Usually I am able to rant in my head for a very long time but, NOW...I can do it to all of you..my 41 readers?? How lovely is that?

Situation: Teacher at my school who clearly does not respect counselors or what a counselor might do sent an email to the ENTIRE staff including administration saying...and I quote..."Please don’t waste your time telling me I’m crazy, ill-informed or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ve heard that from admin and counseling before and I’m done buying it." (This is just a portion of the e-mail...but, I think you get the idea)

My Response: Hmmm, well, nothing really since I would NEVER send an email like that to the ENTIRE staff so, I was pretty much speechless....I KNOW...how can that be?

WIMTS: Holy Crap!!! If you don't want people to think you are crazy maybe..just MAYBE, you should refrain from stating that in your e-mail? Just sayin'. Oh ya...maybe you should be a bit reflective and figure out why people are telling you that you may in fact be a bit looney? Just sayin' AND please, for the love of hoodies and converse tennis shoes, please take your meds!!!

The Accident

We had a big accident in our house last week. It was really sad and quite traumatic to say the least. You all remember the dolls that we have that cost more then most people spend on their heart medication..right? Well, both of my girls have one and they LOVE them....OK, I love them. I really want Kit Kittridge if anyone is interested in an early birthday present or just a present for me being all wonderful and great..no? Always worth a shot.

Anyway, these dolls go with us to lots of places...they are almost always in the car with us and they are in constant need of a wardrobe change. Weird but, they are always changing clothes. My youngest is very consistent with her doll and she rarely matches and NEVER has her hair brushed..much like everyday life in my house. They have gone to lunch with us and my friend Sunshine and were totally discriminated against. Not sure if it was the fact that they were little people or the waitress did not believe they were real? At any rate, they were NOT given a menu and they were not allowed to order. GASP!!! I know...hard to believe that people like that still exist in the good ol' USA but, sadly, they do.

Yes, we have a very unhealthy love for the American Girl dolls that reside in our house and I am still keeping my fingers crossed that I will be adopting Kit in the future but, if we don't love them...who will? Imagine my heart ache when Julie (my oldest daughter's doll) had an unfortunate run in with the curly slide at the park. She was playing nicely on top of the slide (so not safe and if I was there I would not have allowed such radical behavior) when she slipped and fell from the top. She was injured and injured badly. She has a broken leg, sprained ankle, broken arm, broken thumb and various scrapes and bruises that have required an obscene amount of band-aids. She has been confined to a wheelchair since the accident and she is making little progress. Her broken thumb has since healed (only because the thumb splint has fallen off and may have been eaten by the cat) but, her legs are still broken or sprained and due to the broken arm she is not able to use the crutches. She is in bad shape so, please keep her in your thoughts this week as we are all hoping for a speedy recovery.

PS...Poor Julie spends her day longing to go outside. FYI - Yes, all of the items have been purchased for American Girl Dolls at a ridiculously high rate. Looks like someone will be going without their heart medication again.

Things Kids Say....

Maybe I should say...Things MY kids say. They keep me in stitches most of the time. Is it bad that I enjoy them most when they are asleep? Don't answer that...but, I honestly do. They are so peaceful and usually smell good after taking a bath. I love to lay in bed with them and snuggle with their sweet little arms around my neck. They are delightful...USUALLY.

Now, anyone with kids knows that those little precious angels can turn on you...and turn fast!! I am constantly getting an eye roll from my oldest one and she is only 8!!! My youngest copies everything her sister does so, I get it from her as well. The double eye roll is what makes my blood boil. When they look at each other and both roll their eyes in unison...as if they are ganging up on me. My jaw dropped to the floor when my oldest said "You annoy me sometimes." Say huh? EXCUSE ME!!!! Did I NOT push you out of my body? Did I NOT withstand a pain that is unimaginable for hours in order to meet you? Would you like to step back into my uterus and give this another try?

My youngest likes to make people laugh. She says things that she knows will get a reaction from people and she says them loudly and with enough sass to fill a room. She makes up her own words and somedays we are dealing with opposite days where yes means no and sometimes it is opposite opposite day where yes means no means yes. I know....I can't follow it either. She tells me when I am wrong and she uses the word "seriously" all too much. "Mommy, you are seriously wrong...no seriously." I cannot carry on a conversation with that child without a smile of some sort. They say laughter is the best medicine...then I am in good shape.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

Oh how I love thee "What I Meant to Say" Wednesdays...let me count the ways. One day where I get to say exactly what I wished I could have said and for whatever reason I didn't....PERFECT!! Head on over to Chief's and check out what she meant to say.

When reading Chiefs blog and hearing that she is taking a break from the internet for a while, I said..."Awww, I will miss her and hope she is back soon." What I meant to say was..."What the Hell? Where is she going? Why is she leaving for a while? How can she do this? Just when we found each other in blogland too? GEEZ." (In all seriousness, I will miss Chief but, understand her need for a hiatus to deal with some issues.)

When super hot hubby told me how good I looked one morning as I was walking out the door on my way to work, my response was..."Aww, thanks honey...have a good day." What I meant to say is..."Maybe you should call the Dr. today....did you fall down and hit your head? How many fingers and am I holding up?"

During that stupid play that I am in...the mean director YELLED at me and asked.."Ummm, excuse me, but, can you transcend matter?" My response was.."huh? ummm, no...wait am I supposed to do that?" Then water works began...so embarrassing. What I meant to say was..."Hey!!! Lady!!! What is your problem? Why don't you bring your fat cankles over here and say that to my face? NO? Oh I didn't think so..."

After one of the performances of the stupid play the fat cankled director told me. "Wow, you did great..you really killed it in the second act. Why can't you do that the entire show?" My response was..."Thanks? I think?" What I meant to say was..." I hope a lightning bolt strikes you on the head. I really do."

Opening Day

Opening day of the stupid play went off without a hitch...that's right...All went well. I was nervous up until the very second I got in my place to begin. The theater was far from sold out but, there was a good number of people there. There was this one kid sitting in the second row...with glasses?? Ya, you know who you are..you little punk!!!...He kept interrupting me as I was speaking which was pretty annoying to say the least. I stayed on cue and was actually able to respond to him...IN CHARACTER no less...and basically told him to shut up (nicely of course).

Super hot hubby was at my beck and call all day long. He was so supportive and actually got angry when the stupid director yelled at me AGAIN!! Even if he wasn't mad or if he didn't think she yelled all that much...he played along at least. Still not sure if I will do this again but, at least the end result has been good. I will say this...the stupid director and I will NOT be friends after this show. Not even "good book friends"...seriously, THAT is a big deal.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

I am so excited for another round of what I meant to say...I mean REAL excited I could almost piddle. Jump on over and check out what Chief meant to say as well...she is a hoot!!!

So, here it goes...my weekly "therapy" of keepin' it real.

To the director of the play that I so carelessly tried out for and clearly did not think all the way through...ya THAT director...who obviously does not see how freakin funny I really am and went on a rampage about saying I was upstaging myself in a scene and my sweet outwardly response was "oh, sorry...so you want me stand here? Got it." What I meant to say is..."Don't freakin yell at me..I cry easily and honestly you don't want me to cry. I have no freakin idea what the hell upstaging means and why you are so damn upset about it. JUST.BE.NICE and I might be more inclined to follow your directions...I said MIGHT you BEEYYAATTCCHH!!!! Really...how hard is it to be nice?"

I was holding that one in for a while..I really don't think she will be my friend after this show...and I would totally knock her ass off the stage if I wasn't in front of the children during rehearsals...I need to be a good role model and all that crap.

To the rest of the cast of this play....I said nothing...but, what I meant to say is..."What in God's name is wrong with you people? Why is this woman allowed to yell at unpaid actors that are doing her a favor by putting on this show? It is a CHILDREN'S fairytale show...with children in the cast...COME ON PEOPLE....if we ban together we can totally take her...actually if she is yelling at you then, she isn't yelling at me so, carry on...good work."

And finally to my Judgy friend (whom I adore but, we see things a bit differently)...what I said was..."Yes it is a stupid rule. I don't think a 6 year old should be suspended for making a hand gesture that resembled a gun on school grounds." What I meant to say is...."HOLD UP!!! When you work in a school with those little buggers, you let me know how you would handle a kid flipping you off or trying to fire you and telling you that you couldn't even work at Burger King because you were so ugly and then telling me that she was going to go home and get a gun and kill me like in mortal combat...5 years old that sweet little GIRL was (true story...actually happened to me and I totally didn't deserve that since I was wearing my jeans that make my ass look good and I just got a hair cut so I think I was presentable enough for Burger King...just sayin') Is it a ridiculous rule? Of course it is...but, a rule none the less. And...AND (I have more here)....the kid had been warned...parents had been warned that it was not appropriate for school. PERIOD!!! People need to take responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. Seriously!!!! Can't we all just get along...let's maybe try not to even gesture whether a gun or a middle finger...I don't like either one...and I would totally knock you on your ass if you flipped me off...oh ya I could and you know it." and cue "We are the World" music.

AND SCENE....this is where I take my bow and you all throw roses onto my soapbox!!

"What I meant to say" Wednesdays

Now THIS?? THIS is a blog carnival I can wrap my pea brain around. I can say exactly what I want to say to the immature, crazy, people that I come in contact with every day??? PICK ME, PICK ME!! I want to play...

So, play along (or not)...but, it is sure to be fun.

Without further ado...

At a staff meeting yesterday as the VP was talking about needing to notify parents if their child is in jeopardy of failing and veered off on a strange path and began discussing bunnies and spring...after an awkward laugh and a roll of my eyes to a coworker...what I meant to say is "Are you freakin kidding me? We are talking about bunnies hopping and spring in a staff meeting? THAT is 45 minutes I will NEVER get back again. Please, please, please don't waste my time with your bunny nonsense."

Oh feels so good...you really should try this people...

NEXT, while on the good book (facebook) and catching up on all my friends and reading all the status updates to be well informed as to the happenings (it is my nightly news...really it is). I begin to read update upon update about how great people's spouses and kids are...with a small gag reflex at someone telling me that their husband is the best ever that THEN led to an out and out war between three people as to who had the best husband??? My facebook response was..."aww how sweet." What I meant to say is..."I want to jam pencils in my eyeballs from all this nonsense about how great your spouses are. I get that they are wonderful and all but, please do that privately...why not just start awkwardly making out on facebook...GEEZ!!! GET A ROOM!!"

Ahhh, one more down...I could get used to this...

To the concerned parent who called me to report that her child was getting two F's and all she cares about is her friends and her phone and what was I (the counselor) going to do about it? My response was..."I appreciate your concern and hope we can work together to get little "Jane" on track. Clearly, you see the importance of her education and want to do whatever it takes to help her to be successful....blah blah blah" NOW, what I meant to say..."Take away her stupid phone, you moron, and keep her home UNTIL she finishes her homework...oh ya, and maybe, just maybe, you might want to look at her being on the cheer squad as a distraction? I don't know...just sayin'. I am only a counselor...my job description no where states that I am a surrogate parent...if she didn't come out of my hooha...I can only do so much!! I mean...seriously!!"

Oh my goodness, that felt so good. I can totally get on board with this carnival. LOVE IT...Thanks Chief!!!

He Has Issues Too!!!

Super hot hubby needs help...he has a sickness...no joke and it is serious. He cannot go one month without purchasing some sort of sporting equipment from a retail store whose name I cannot say. The letters in the name are E,I, and R...but, I can't tell you the actual name...you know, for copyright reasons or something like that. I gave him a challenge, to go 60 days without a purchase from this store and he began to sweat profusely. He says he is up for the challenge but, his left eye was twitching the entire time he was talking about this challenge...coincidence? I think...NOT!!! Even though he believes and actually said "you are right, honey", I honestly don't think he can do it. WAIT...let me savor this moment for just one second....HELL YA, I am right, you buffoon!!!!!

If I was to go through all of our old credit card statements, I am pretty sure that there would be at least one purchase on each bill (sometimes multiple purchases) for the last two years. He claims it is ok since most of the stuff he buys is on sale or for someone else...I think it is NOT ok!!! It is safe to say that he owns more backpacks than I can count and more running things than I would even WANT to count. We will see how this goes for him but, he is already plotting how he can still purchase stuff with cash online so that it doesn't show up on his bill? Not a good start if you ask me. Don't even get me started on his issue with papers piled up in the office...he has an entire forest back there. I can only tackle one issue at a time...sigh!!

I Am Not Sure If I Will Survive In This Business

I am NOT cut out for this acting thing. I need a thicker skin to take some of the direction that I am given. The director is nice and all but, she is becoming increasingly frustrated with my newness to the acting world and not be able to tell stage left from stage right or why they need to have a house left and house right that is different then the stage left or stage right....I mean really? Can't you just say left or right or better yet...just point to where you want me to go?

We had a big photo shoot for the debut of the show. Apparently, the picture will go in the newspaper...you know? To embarrass me even more then I already am embarrassed by this whole fiasco. I really have no idea what came over me when I tried out...was I drunk? I wish...but, alas, I was not. I arrive at the photo shoot in my standard work attire...jeans, hoodie and converse tennis shoes. The director had told me that she had my Mother Goose outfit so, basically I just needed to show up. Show up I did...on time no less, thinking this would make her happy and love me and see that I am the next Meryl Streep and that I need to move on to the big screen. She gave me one disgusting look up and down and says....

"Please tell me you at least brought a hair tie for you hair?"

"Ummm....I am sure I can dig one out of my purse (uncomfortable laugh)...will this hot pink clip do with the ginormous flower on it?" (said so clearly as a joke...but, apparently it was not funny)

"Your hair needs to be in a low braid for the wig to go over"

"Wait...wig?"

"Here is your outfit...oh and here is your ma's cap"

"Wait...ma's cap? What the hell is that?"

Oh dear LORD!!! I go get dressed and I kid you NOT here people this is what she said to me...

"Please tell me you brought make up?"

"Ummm, no? I don't know what I am doing here so, if I am supposed to bring something you need to tell me."

"Well, you are a woman...I would think you would have some."

After I get my outfit, wig, ma's cap, and glasses on...she takes one look at me and shakes her head and says...

"Can someone do something with her?" and then she walks away...leaving me standing there holding my goose (literally holding a stuffed goose).

I begin to think this is not for me. After getting some make up...she pushes me on the photo shoot...goose and all...and now I am supposed to look sweet and motherly? Can't wait to see how that turns out.

Scary Dream

Ever have one of those dreams where you wake up and have no idea what was real and what was in your sleep induced mind? You sit up like a bolt saying..."what the hell?" Ya, last night I had such a dream. I was sleeping peacefully and in my dream I was walking through a very hilly city...climbing hills and not being the least bit upset by it (that is how I KNEW it was a dream). There was a bus involved that I was riding on with the rest of my family and I decided to get off and walk...I KNOW, right? That is just crazy talk if you ask me.

In the dream, I come to the enchanted little house where there is a lovely family that wants to feed me some dinner. I, of course, oblige since I am nice like that. I excuse myself to take a tour of the home and come back with the cutest little baby in my arms. I mean deliciously cute and she does not have a bow taped to her head and I know she is girl kinda cute. She is clearly a newborn and apparently when I am touring the house, I snoop through their medicine cabinet and I have a baby? Sure...why not? At this point super hot hubby comes in and he is more then thrilled at the baby and he tells me we MUST name her Rosita Hernandez. Huh? What? We have an exchange back and forth about how maybe a name like Rose or Roselyn or Rosemary would suit her a bit better. He is adamant that we must name her Rosita Hernandez? Why? I have no idea but, we do. So, my new cute little dream baby is Rosita Hernandez and she is just darling.

Making Memories of Us

I have concluded that I am a skier...always have been, always will be. I have skied since I was itty bitty and have decided I will ski until I can no longer. Except for a 15 year hiatus while in college and grad school and having babies and stuff like that...I have skied for a good portion of my life. I have fond memories of my ski trips as a kid and I hope to pass those on to my kids. I cannot think of skiing and NOT think of all the great times I had such as:

* Riding on the chair lift with my dad and being catapulted like a rocket as the chair lift hit me in the back. Sounds fun...no?

* Having my dad catch me by the hood of my jacket and dangle me below the chair lift like Raggedy Ann only to drop me into the fresh snow bank...skis and all. (Still not bitter about that one dad).

* Skiing through the trees and falling in the fresh powder only to laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants (I think a few times I did but, I want you to like me so, I ALMOST peed k?)

* Being the FIRST people at the mountain so that we could get the BEST parking space so that when we had to walk to get our lunch from the car it wasn't very far. (My parents were cheap like that).

* Skiing so fast down the hill that my eyes are watering.

* Teaching my own kids how to ski.

* Having my youngest on a harness that looks like a leash and having her yell at me "Go faster Santa"

* Seeing my youngest try to ski solo and watching her fall..Charlie Brown style...head over skis a few times and looking up at me with snow covering her face and still laughing.

* My youngest ran smack into the rear of my oldest daughter while skiing and, I swear, their legs ended up looking like a pretzel...all tangled and both skis still attached.

* Watching a run away ski go down the mountain with a boot still attached and hearing my daughter yell "mommy can you get that for me." Ya, sure..let me get this ski WITH a boot and walk it up to you. This ordeal only took about 30 minutes and ended with a fit of swearing (under my breath) and both of us walking down the hill.

* Trying to go to the bathroom with two kids and all our gear...let's just say it is a good morning if nothing falls in the toilet....enough said.

* Resisting all temptation to spray super hot hubby with snow when he has fallen. Especially when he got tangled up in the net like a fish...oh boy that was a tough one to resist but, resist I did...I decided to spray a stranger instead just to get it out of my system. I am far too nice when teaching someone how to ski to spray them with snow after they had fallen down. Oh I kid...well, kinda.

* Riding up on the chair lift with both girls and seeing their skis stick straight out since their legs are so short.

* Loving that both of my girls want to ski until the very end of the day regardless of the conditions...THAT is how I know I am raising kids that have the same love of skiing that I do.

Life is Too Short

I attended a funeral for an 18 year old student that was gunned down in the prime of his life. It was a tough one....he was a good kid, came from a crappy home life but, was trying to make some positive changes in his life. I sat there staring at his casket thinking, "Why do things like this happen?" We all sit and wonder why...we never know the answer to that question...NEVER, even if we try to wrap our brains around the why's, the answer never comes. It is what it is (my new mantra) and life must go on. During the funeral, the minister mentioned that while the young man was dead and never coming back...the living must move on. We must live, in spite of the tragedies in our lives. We must live, in spite of the sadness we feel. We must live, in spite of our desire to curl up under the covers and hide. We must live. So, I chose to do just that...LIVE!!! I will enjoy the good things and learn from the bad. I will still complain...since that is just who I am, lucky you my fellow readers.

We All Know One

Oh dear...we have all seen them...some have blogged about them...a few even know them. I am talking about the workout weirdos...the ones who for whatever reason choose to draw attention to themselves while engaging in some sort of exercise. There are those that sing to their tunes, those that talk to themselves, those that sweat profusely and then leave it on the machine for the next person to enjoy, they come in all shapes and models.

I received an e-mail from my dear friend SLAB and she told a story of a workout weirdo that she encountered at her gym recently. She and the rest of her family trek to the gym for a little family workout. She hops on the treadmill alongside a dashing and handsome man that just happens to be her husband. (Insert love song here) As they are running, staring longingly across the treadmills at each other envisioning running into each others arms...when what to her wondering eyes should occur? Here is how she tells the story:

So we are running on neighboring treadmills and he starts doing this crazy thing. He starts pumping his arms, then his knees start coming up all high as he gets going faster. Then - I'm not kidding here girls - he f*@^ing SNAPPED his fingers a couple of times and I could swear I heard some singing along. (I had my ipod on too, and I was trying my best to ignore it and pretend like I didn't know him). Then, THEN, he yelled out "come on!" and "push it!". OMG, I almost f*@^ing stuck my foot out and tripped him to end the embarrassment.

Mercifully, his run was finally over, and he was cooling down. I subtly slipped one earbud out and said to him "seriously? that was weird... and embarrassing. Warn me next time and I'll turn my music up." And he goes "was I being loud? I guess my music was up too high!" I shook my head and said - loudly- "whatever, I don't know you. I'm just offering you some friendly advice. Mellow it out."

Oh that SLAB...she kills me!!!

Tales of a Thespian

For those of you that don't know...thespian is an actor not to be confused with a lesbian which I am not, not that there is anything wrong with that. It will come as a great shock to many of you to hear that I have tried out for play. Yep, that is me...a counselor/mom/best wife ever/actress. Add that to my resume...I can only hope that James Cameron can come to my show and see my abilities and KNOW that he must have me for his upcoming blockbuster hit to star as Brad Pitt's mistress (well, Brad Pitt minus the weird beard he has right now). SIGH.

I got up the nerve to try out for a play which is weird since I was not into drama when I was a kid. I had one drama class in Jr. high that I loved but, I loved the teacher not the drama class. Needless to say, this is out of my comfort zone. I showed up to the auditions and was clearly the oldest one there by at least 2.3 years maybe even more. I was told to stand up and read lines for Mother Goose, Little Red Riding Hoods mom, and Mama Bear. Now, Mother Goose is sweet, lovely, delightful lady...much like me so I totally nailed that one. Now, Ma Hood was a bit more difficult. I was asked to read in my best southern accent to which I responded with...I don't even have a bad southern accent. Funny that I didn't get that part. I was notified that I was cast as Mother Goose and yes, I was totally offended since she is usually fat and old.

I had my first rehearsal and the director was saying that I was going to have a goose puppet throughout the show and I would be talking to the goose at times...say huh? As if this wasn't out of my comfort zone enough...now I was going to be talking to damn puppet? As I was reading the script she interrupted me and says.."oh ya, I forgot I killed the goose so, you won't have a puppet." THANK GOD...I was a bit worried I may look foolish.

Can't Think of a Title Since I Have Had a Beer Already

First of all, you aren't going to believe this but, I am sitting at the airport getting all judgy on people who can't control their kids and scoping out who I do NOT want to sit by on my plane. Yep, that's right, another girlie adult trip down to Southern California. I can look around all scowling and be bothered by the mom in front of me with 3 kids that all have lollipops and need to get their shoes off and don't want to put their beloved stuffed giraffe on the belt to be scanned. Yep, I totally could do that but, I don't (well, kinda do but don't want to sound all mean and stuff) since I can so feel her pain.

On another note, I received a phone call from super hot hubby the other day while I was at work. It made me laugh to remember again exactly how differently we think. I answered the phone and he was clearly flustered as he called me by my name (he usually doesn't do that usually a term of endearment or maybe a bad name under his breath...oh I kid but, I would totally call me a bad name). He goes on to say..."There was an incident at (oldest daughters) school today." I say..."ok" and kinda freaking out but not really freaking out yet. Then he proceeds to tell me this story about a guy that was walking around the campus without his shirt on and the school went into lock down (I am thinkin...cool is he hot?). I say..."Ummm, ok...then what?" He goes on to say...well, he was escorted off campus and then later the kids were let out of lock down. I say..."Wait, did this guy take our daughter hostage or something?" Ummm, no? Why would you think that? Well, let's see...why would I think that? Maybe because my mom thought I was stuffed in the trunk of someone's car and this is where my thoughts go or maybe because you said an "incident" and I hardly define that as an incident. And he says I am the "dramatic" one....GEEZ!!

Island of the Misfits

We had a New Years party at our house...not just any party...it was a Dick Clarks New Year's Rockin Eve party. On a side note, did anyone see Dick Clark on New Years Eve Oh Geez...isn't he married? Why is his wife not telling him nicely to hang up his New Years Eve Balls (hehehehe) and retire? If super hot hubby looked like that...I would be telling him straight up..."you had your day honey, make way for Ryan Seacrest." Don't get me wrong, I love Dick Clark but, at some point it is ok to say I am going to retire and head to Jamaica Mon'...just sayin' So, back to the party...we had a bash at our house with all the neighbors. Now from previous posts you understand that I LOVE our neighbors and they are a hoot to be around. We spend endless summer evenings busting out the safety cones in the cul-de-sac to ensure our children do not get run over by the 6 cars that reside in that cul-de-sac (I KNOW, right? We are good like that) all the while drinking way too much for a Tues night. My kind of peeps, no?

I was so excited when one of our neighbors talked super hot hubby into hosting the party at our house. I knew if I came to him, he would most likely say "HELL NO" but to her? He sweetly said..."ya, sounds fun." Come again? I jumped at the opportunity or his own insanity whichever the case may be to have the party. We had music, dancing (only the girls danced but, STILL), noise, drinks and mayhem. The kids were hopped on sugar for several hours breaking and throwing things and running and screaming through the house. One kid came in a mask that I swear was a Jonas brother but, apparently it was some young Luke Skywalker...it really freaked me out. Everyone stayed up until midnight to ring in the new year...then go home.

The next morning I spent about an hour putting things away and cleaning up the mess. Picking up beer bottles, recycling empty wine bottles, and putting the food away...ya, the next morning but whatever. I could not believe some of the things that were left behind from our guests. Some of them I am excited about since I still have them and I am hoping they forget about them. Others? I wondered how in the heck did they leave that?

As evidenced by the picture...I bring you the island of the misfit stuff...we have a new pot holder, a great Crate and Barrel platter, a baby blanket, some extra dishes, two coats and a pair of shoes. Now, the shoes??? I didn't get since all of the guests walked home. Hmmm...I believe we have a runner up for mom of the year!!! This is why we are friends.