Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I have not fallen and hurt myself, in case you were wondering....

Forgive me my loyal blog followers, it has been too long since my last blog post. I am hoping I have not lost too many of my wonderful readers and I really have no excuse, except for starting back to school and being super busy with soccer and back to school nights and kids and everything but, I KNOW I KNOW...there is no excuse for my absence.

I have started back to school and nothing provides me with more stories then working in a school. I used to think that elementary school was THE BEST place to get some funny stories but, I think the middle school exceeds my expectations. They keep me on my toes with the D-R-A-M-A. I had a young girl come in my office crying and so upset she could hardly talk. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was upset because she was absent from school the day before and she just found out that her best friend got a boyfriend and broke up with him and she wasn't "there for her" ...uh huh...I totally see why she was sooooo upset. Makes perfect sense...no?

Today I had the pleasure of meeting a young boy who believes he is a wizard. No really...an honest to goodness wizard. He is a sweet boy and I think I need to befriend him so that he doesn't put a spell on me. He was talking to me about what he likes about school and I was asking him about his friends. He stated he had no friends and this made me sad. I asked him why because he seemed like a nice enough kid (except for the wizardry and all that) and he told me he doesn't have friends because he doesn't brush his teeth. I was perplexed by this reasoning and I asked him...."Wait...what? or better yet why don't you brush your teeth?" His response? "Well, I don't like toothpaste and I end up spitting it all over the mirror." Oh right...I get it...wait...WHAT? Do you see the connection? Ya...me neither. I just told him not to lead with that information and he will be making friends in no time....or maybe he can just spell some kids into being his friend. Either way...it is going to be a fun year.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Some of Life's Greatest Lessons are Learned on a Pub Crawl

After completing my college years, I thought for sure, I would never be on another pub crawl EVER!!! I enjoyed the pub crawl back in the day but, I am just too sophisticated to do THOSE kinds of things anymore. I mean...SERIOUSLY, who has time to be gallivanting all over town doing Jager Bombs and playing a drinking golf game? NOT ME!!! Low and behold my wonderful neighbors who love to have a great time invited me on a pub crawl. Now, first of all....we all have kids so we left at 2:00 PM instead of the regular rowdy crowd that goes until the wee hours of the morning. Good call. I have had a day to mull over the happenings of last night and I have learned some very valuable lessons from my evening (ok ok late afternoon) on the streets.

1. Hydration is key. Don't be fooled into thinking that because you are drinking a beer chaser after a shot of Patron that you have fulfilled your water quota...even if it is Bud Light or Coors Light.

2. Tequila was my friend again for one night and one night only. I LOVE it but, it is like a one night stand....you wake up thinking "What the hell did I do?" Only to look over and see an empty Patron bottle...(hanging head in shame).

3. Don't underestimate the importance of comfortable shoes. Looking cute is NOT the most important thing in a pub crawl. The most important thing is to REMAIN on your feet and sometimes heels or high wedges hinder one's ability to remain upright.

4. Wear cute, somewhat new, and clean undergarments. We are all mom's and wives and sometimes...well, I don't put a lot of money or time into the undergarments anymore. Who cares....right? Well, when exiting the bathroom at the 6th bar it is imperative to ensure that your undergarments are in fact UNDER you clothes and not hanging out for all to see...Just sayin'. Of course, all the women told her that her bra was really pretty and wondered where she got it.

5. Five pubs....good...really, really good. Six pubs? Bad...very very bad. Pace yourself..don't go crazy at bar number 1....it is downhill from there.

6. Play the drinking golf game even if you don't get it. Adds some excitement to the evening. Lowest score wins....that is all you need to know.

7. There are some really weird people that hang out at bars at 3:00 in the afternoon. We are not those people since we just went that one time but, WOW!!! How do people get that drunk at 3:00...oh wait...my bad...moving on.

8. Always remember the extra credit points during the game. No injuries to self or others (otherwise you add 2 points...and yes we had injuries to others in a horrible angry pen incident).

9. I can hold my pee for a freakishly long period of time. While this may not seem overly amazing to anyone...us pub crawlers know it got me -4 points. I could have won the whole game but, sadly the shuffleboard was not my friend that night. What would I have won you might be asking? NOTHING...just the status of saying I won. All that pee holding for nothing? DANG...

10. Nothing says "pub crawl" like a 9:00 PM run in the pub crawl van to Taco Bell with 10 drunk people SCREAMING out their order. I didn't even order anything and somehow I ended up with a Nacho Supreme and Mexican Pizza.

We had such a great time and I still wonder why after each stop we got progressively louder. I felt bad for the woman driving us around....she had no idea what was in store for her. She DID come prepared though for the aftermath in the front seat...ouch. The pub crawl van had seen better days.

Friday, August 6, 2010

English, Por Favor

You all KNOW how much I love comments...Good, bad, indifferent...don't care (ok yes, I do care since I like comments where you all agree with me and all my wonderfulness) . I get excited when I have double digit comments. My only request is that you leave your comments IN ENGLISH. I know, I know...how rude of me not to embrace different people's culture and some might even call me racist but, FYI...I do NOT speak any form of Chinese or Japanese (and sadly I have no idea which language my Asain followers are even speaking). I am excited about the "global" status that my simple little blog has obtained but, COME ON!!!! English please people...ENGLISH!!!!

Friday, July 30, 2010

It is Looming Over Me Like a Ton of Bricks

It is THAT time of year again....I begin to see backpacks in the store...let me rephrase that...I NOTICE backpacks in the stores again. They put those buggers out before school even gets out sometimes but, I never notice them until I realize we are almost there. The first day of school is rapidly approaching. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't there...it is like the mice or rats that live somewhere in everyone's attic. No seriously...the air conditioning guy told me that EVERYONE has mice or rats..and I was all.."uh no, we don't" and he was all "I have never been in a house that didn't and I have been doing this for 26 years" and I was all..."well, maybe I will be your first" and he was all.."I don't think so." BASTARD and then we didn't hire him...HA...so, we don't have any mice or rats. PHEW....

Back to the first day of school, I actually love the first day of school...I really do. The kids are so freakin excited and everything is new and fresh. I remember my parents buying me my Trapper Keepers and getting them all organized and laying out my clothes the day before. As a counselor, I can pretty much be assured that it is the ONLY day we have zero behavior problems. Most teachers won't send kids on the very first day and most kids behave at least on the first day...right? I am starting a new school next year and I am so excited. Working with middle school kids is a challenge but, they are so much easier then the itty bitty guys. Their issues seem bigger but, they are easier to deal with. The little guys would take an hour just to get them to stop crying only to hear them say that "Chamapagne (a real name...seriously) hit me and we were friends and now she doesn't like me." An hour? Really? "Give her a few days sweetie she will come around...here is a sticker and I will see you in a few days." Counseling skills at it's finest, don't you think? With middle school kids they really do want my help (for the most part) and their problems usually involve a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent or teacher, in order of importance. I can handle a friend issue, break up drama, parents bugging them and teacher giving them a bad grade all in one hour or less. Mostly because they talk so fast but, whatever....I get the job done.

So, the first day of school is just around the corner and the idea of starting all over with a new staff and new kids is a bit overwhelming. I can only be charming and sweet for so long, you know? I am already thinking about what great thing I did over the summer to share with the staff on the first staff day. Needs to be super cool but, not showy...first impressions are sometimes tough to overcome. I still have a few more days of summer bliss but, it is lurking...I just know it.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I am Riding my Theory Train all the Way to the Today Show

I have a theory...a GOOD theory. I do believe it will get me on Oprah someday...ok, maybe not Oprah but, maybe The Today Show or something. I do LOVE Matt Lauer...if your reading Matt, I would happily come on your show. So, I have been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs. Marriage is tough and people don't realize this prior to saying their "I do's". If I would have known what I know now, I still would have married Super Hot Hubby (what can I say...I was drunk) but, I certainly would have had a different perspective. You see, I have been fighting the "system" for 10 years thus wreaking havoc on my life. I am here to enlighten you all with my words of wisdom and to save all the marriages of the world.

My theory is quite easy and can be broken down into 2 categories....A. Men are simple and B. Women are mean. Easy Peasy, right? Now, I know my readers are predominantly women so all the women out there that just gasped at the very thought of being mean just close your mouth and let me explain. Now, men are sooooooo simple, seriously, come on now ladies we all know that for men it is about the sex. Super hot hubby denies this and says it is about the intimacy and not NECESSARILY the sex..I know, made me laugh too. To that, I say...BULL. It is ALL about the sex for men. "When am I going to get it?" "What do I have to do to get it?" "I did this last week and I got sex and now nothing...what gives?" See? Men want to make their wives happy...they really do. I used to think super hot hubby wanted to piss me off...sometimes I think he really does but, for the most part they want to make us happy...(as long as it involves sex).

Now, women KNOW this information (although we deny knowing it and want to believe men when they say "awww honey I understand, let's just snuggle" knowing that we have only pacified the beast) and yet, we use that very thing that men want most as a weapon. We women believe if we with hold the one most important thing to men, they will do what we want them to do. Here is where it gets tricky....you see? Men never know what we want and honestly, they never will. Women keep switching things up on them. What got men sex last week no longer works...see? MEAN!! And we expect them to KNOW what we want even though we have changed it all up on them.

So, Yes, Women are mean and men want sex but, here is where my theory comes to fruition ( I have always wanted to use that word...there you have it...fruition). I BELIEVE that all it takes is one month. Those that are willing to try this out...I need feed back. So, men that are reading (two of you? How ever many there are out there) you are to be extremely nice to your women, no matter what they throw at you (words or dishes or whatever). One month of doing exactly as they want you to do. When they snap at you...you just apologize and tell them "Yes, honey, I will take the kids out for a little bit so you can sit and watch Bachelorette" Throw in an "I love you" every now and then. Here is the kicker...ready? You do all this with expecting NOTHING in return. I believe that it will take only a couple of weeks before a woman realizes that her man is really wanting to make her happy and she will give up all the goods willingly and happily.

Now for the women? I ain't gonna lie...this will not sound like a good theory but, trust me...try it. You must "be intimate" whenever he wants it. You must act like you want to do this (I KNOW..sounds crazy but, just do it) and take all anger, rage, resentment, etc. out of the act and just do it. I, again, think it will take only a couple of weeks before you have him taking out the garbage and washing the dog without being asked...ok, got a little carried away there but, he will do whatever you need to make you happy. I really believe that men want their wives to be truly happy but, it is a vicious circle here people. Someone must break the cycle so, I throw down the gauntlet to all my readers (and Matt Lauer)...give it a whirl and report back as to how things are going.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


Yes, I have returned after 11 days of vacationing with the family. Awesome trip but, REALLY glad to be home. In the past 11 days I have: lived off the grid, spent an obscene amount of time with my in laws extended family and loved it, and lived out of a suitcase. The kids had a fantastic time getting dirty and staying up late giggling with their cousins. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed the "off the grid" life. I didn't shower for a few days...4 to be exact but, who was counting. I considered the kids somewhat clean if they came in contact with water of some sort throughout the day (ocean even counted) and we experimented with hairstyles to hide the dirt...ponytails and braids were a big hit.

I was a bit taken back when we arrived since I thought that we would be completely away from anything and everything. I envisioned fetching water (which the guys did), bathroom in a pit type thing, and heating water over an open flame. Much to my surprise...we had drinking water that did not involve filtering but, it did involve fetching and we had a bathroom with a flush toilet but, it was prefaced by the saying of "if it's yellow let it mellow..." ( I was happy to have some sort of plumbing so who cares) and we were able to cook via gas stove top.

We spent days jumping from the pier, playing board games and running a muck and nights catching fireflies and chatting by the moonlight. We came home with so many bug bites it is amazing we have any blood left inside our bodies and the desire to return in the future. It was AWESOME!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I am unplugging for a bit and I am quite nervous about it. What will I do? I have no idea...but, feel like it is necessary to do...for now. What does unplugging mean, you ask? Well, I will not be checking e-mails, the good book, blogs...NADA!!! I KNOW...CRAZY..right? Yes, totally crazy but, in all honesty I am doing this more because of the fact that I don't want to be tied to a computer for the summer. Actually to be TOTALLY honest, we are headed out of town with limited internet service and sometimes even limited electricity and indoor plumbing...OMG...not sure which one of those stresses me out more. So, rather then have you all wondering where I went (as I know you would...right? RIGHT??? OMG....RIGHT???), I will return in about 13 days and a few odd hours...wish me luck. We will see how long it is before I head to an internet cafe to get me some "face time" with the good book. I am betting on 3 days before I start twitching....