I have not fallen and hurt myself, in case you were wondering....

Forgive me my loyal blog followers, it has been too long since my last blog post. I am hoping I have not lost too many of my wonderful readers and I really have no excuse, except for starting back to school and being super busy with soccer and back to school nights and kids and everything but, I KNOW I KNOW...there is no excuse for my absence.

I have started back to school and nothing provides me with more stories then working in a school. I used to think that elementary school was THE BEST place to get some funny stories but, I think the middle school exceeds my expectations. They keep me on my toes with the D-R-A-M-A. I had a young girl come in my office crying and so upset she could hardly talk. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was upset because she was absent from school the day before and she just found out that her best friend got a boyfriend and broke up with him and she wasn't "there for her" ...uh huh...I totally see why she was sooooo upset. Makes perfect sense...no?

Today I had the pleasure of meeting a young boy who believes he is a wizard. No really...an honest to goodness wizard. He is a sweet boy and I think I need to befriend him so that he doesn't put a spell on me. He was talking to me about what he likes about school and I was asking him about his friends. He stated he had no friends and this made me sad. I asked him why because he seemed like a nice enough kid (except for the wizardry and all that) and he told me he doesn't have friends because he doesn't brush his teeth. I was perplexed by this reasoning and I asked him...."Wait...what? or better yet why don't you brush your teeth?" His response? "Well, I don't like toothpaste and I end up spitting it all over the mirror." Oh right...I get it...wait...WHAT? Do you see the connection? Ya...me neither. I just told him not to lead with that information and he will be making friends in no time....or maybe he can just spell some kids into being his friend. Either way...it is going to be a fun year.

Some of Life's Greatest Lessons are Learned on a Pub Crawl

After completing my college years, I thought for sure, I would never be on another pub crawl EVER!!! I enjoyed the pub crawl back in the day but, I am just too sophisticated to do THOSE kinds of things anymore. I mean...SERIOUSLY, who has time to be gallivanting all over town doing Jager Bombs and playing a drinking golf game? NOT ME!!! Low and behold my wonderful neighbors who love to have a great time invited me on a pub crawl. Now, first of all....we all have kids so we left at 2:00 PM instead of the regular rowdy crowd that goes until the wee hours of the morning. Good call. I have had a day to mull over the happenings of last night and I have learned some very valuable lessons from my evening (ok ok late afternoon) on the streets.

1. Hydration is key. Don't be fooled into thinking that because you are drinking a beer chaser after a shot of Patron that you have fulfilled your water quota...even if it is Bud Light or Coors Light.

2. Tequila was my friend again for one night and one night only. I LOVE it but, it is like a one night stand....you wake up thinking "What the hell did I do?" Only to look over and see an empty Patron bottle...(hanging head in shame).

3. Don't underestimate the importance of comfortable shoes. Looking cute is NOT the most important thing in a pub crawl. The most important thing is to REMAIN on your feet and sometimes heels or high wedges hinder one's ability to remain upright.

4. Wear cute, somewhat new, and clean undergarments. We are all mom's and wives and sometimes...well, I don't put a lot of money or time into the undergarments anymore. Who cares....right? Well, when exiting the bathroom at the 6th bar it is imperative to ensure that your undergarments are in fact UNDER you clothes and not hanging out for all to see...Just sayin'. Of course, all the women told her that her bra was really pretty and wondered where she got it.

5. Five pubs....good...really, really good. Six pubs? Bad...very very bad. Pace yourself..don't go crazy at bar number 1....it is downhill from there.

6. Play the drinking golf game even if you don't get it. Adds some excitement to the evening. Lowest score wins....that is all you need to know.

7. There are some really weird people that hang out at bars at 3:00 in the afternoon. We are not those people since we just went that one time but, WOW!!! How do people get that drunk at 3:00...oh wait...my bad...moving on.

8. Always remember the extra credit points during the game. No injuries to self or others (otherwise you add 2 points...and yes we had injuries to others in a horrible angry pen incident).

9. I can hold my pee for a freakishly long period of time. While this may not seem overly amazing to anyone...us pub crawlers know it got me -4 points. I could have won the whole game but, sadly the shuffleboard was not my friend that night. What would I have won you might be asking? NOTHING...just the status of saying I won. All that pee holding for nothing? DANG...

10. Nothing says "pub crawl" like a 9:00 PM run in the pub crawl van to Taco Bell with 10 drunk people SCREAMING out their order. I didn't even order anything and somehow I ended up with a Nacho Supreme and Mexican Pizza.

We had such a great time and I still wonder why after each stop we got progressively louder. I felt bad for the woman driving us around....she had no idea what was in store for her. She DID come prepared though for the aftermath in the front seat...ouch. The pub crawl van had seen better days.

English, Por Favor

You all KNOW how much I love comments...Good, bad, indifferent...don't care (ok yes, I do care since I like comments where you all agree with me and all my wonderfulness) . I get excited when I have double digit comments. My only request is that you leave your comments IN ENGLISH. I know, I know...how rude of me not to embrace different people's culture and some might even call me racist but, FYI...I do NOT speak any form of Chinese or Japanese (and sadly I have no idea which language my Asain followers are even speaking). I am excited about the "global" status that my simple little blog has obtained but, COME ON!!!! English please people...ENGLISH!!!!

It is Looming Over Me Like a Ton of Bricks

It is THAT time of year again....I begin to see backpacks in the store...let me rephrase that...I NOTICE backpacks in the stores again. They put those buggers out before school even gets out sometimes but, I never notice them until I realize we are almost there. The first day of school is rapidly approaching. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't there...it is like the mice or rats that live somewhere in everyone's attic. No seriously...the air conditioning guy told me that EVERYONE has mice or rats..and I was all.."uh no, we don't" and he was all "I have never been in a house that didn't and I have been doing this for 26 years" and I was all..."well, maybe I will be your first" and he was all.."I don't think so." BASTARD and then we didn't hire him...HA...so, we don't have any mice or rats. PHEW....

Back to the first day of school, I actually love the first day of school...I really do. The kids are so freakin excited and everything is new and fresh. I remember my parents buying me my Trapper Keepers and getting them all organized and laying out my clothes the day before. As a counselor, I can pretty much be assured that it is the ONLY day we have zero behavior problems. Most teachers won't send kids on the very first day and most kids behave at least on the first day...right? I am starting a new school next year and I am so excited. Working with middle school kids is a challenge but, they are so much easier then the itty bitty guys. Their issues seem bigger but, they are easier to deal with. The little guys would take an hour just to get them to stop crying only to hear them say that "Chamapagne (a real name...seriously) hit me and we were friends and now she doesn't like me." An hour? Really? "Give her a few days sweetie she will come around...here is a sticker and I will see you in a few days." Counseling skills at it's finest, don't you think? With middle school kids they really do want my help (for the most part) and their problems usually involve a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent or teacher, in order of importance. I can handle a friend issue, break up drama, parents bugging them and teacher giving them a bad grade all in one hour or less. Mostly because they talk so fast but, whatever....I get the job done.

So, the first day of school is just around the corner and the idea of starting all over with a new staff and new kids is a bit overwhelming. I can only be charming and sweet for so long, you know? I am already thinking about what great thing I did over the summer to share with the staff on the first staff day. Needs to be super cool but, not showy...first impressions are sometimes tough to overcome. I still have a few more days of summer bliss but, it is lurking...I just know it.

I am Riding my Theory Train all the Way to the Today Show

I have a theory...a GOOD theory. I do believe it will get me on Oprah someday...ok, maybe not Oprah but, maybe The Today Show or something. I do LOVE Matt Lauer...if your reading Matt, I would happily come on your show. So, I have been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs. Marriage is tough and people don't realize this prior to saying their "I do's". If I would have known what I know now, I still would have married Super Hot Hubby (what can I say...I was drunk) but, I certainly would have had a different perspective. You see, I have been fighting the "system" for 10 years thus wreaking havoc on my life. I am here to enlighten you all with my words of wisdom and to save all the marriages of the world.

My theory is quite easy and can be broken down into 2 categories....A. Men are simple and B. Women are mean. Easy Peasy, right? Now, I know my readers are predominantly women so all the women out there that just gasped at the very thought of being mean just close your mouth and let me explain. Now, men are sooooooo simple, seriously, come on now ladies we all know that for men it is about the sex. Super hot hubby denies this and says it is about the intimacy and not NECESSARILY the sex..I know, made me laugh too. To that, I say...BULL. It is ALL about the sex for men. "When am I going to get it?" "What do I have to do to get it?" "I did this last week and I got sex and now nothing...what gives?" See? Men want to make their wives happy...they really do. I used to think super hot hubby wanted to piss me off...sometimes I think he really does but, for the most part they want to make us happy...(as long as it involves sex).

Now, women KNOW this information (although we deny knowing it and want to believe men when they say "awww honey I understand, let's just snuggle" knowing that we have only pacified the beast) and yet, we use that very thing that men want most as a weapon. We women believe if we with hold the one most important thing to men, they will do what we want them to do. Here is where it gets tricky....you see? Men never know what we want and honestly, they never will. Women keep switching things up on them. What got men sex last week no longer works...see? MEAN!! And we expect them to KNOW what we want even though we have changed it all up on them.

So, Yes, Women are mean and men want sex but, here is where my theory comes to fruition ( I have always wanted to use that word...there you have it...fruition). I BELIEVE that all it takes is one month. Those that are willing to try this out...I need feed back. So, men that are reading (two of you? How ever many there are out there) you are to be extremely nice to your women, no matter what they throw at you (words or dishes or whatever). One month of doing exactly as they want you to do. When they snap at you...you just apologize and tell them "Yes, honey, I will take the kids out for a little bit so you can sit and watch Bachelorette" Throw in an "I love you" every now and then. Here is the kicker...ready? You do all this with expecting NOTHING in return. I believe that it will take only a couple of weeks before a woman realizes that her man is really wanting to make her happy and she will give up all the goods willingly and happily.

Now for the women? I ain't gonna lie...this will not sound like a good theory but, trust me...try it. You must "be intimate" whenever he wants it. You must act like you want to do this (I KNOW..sounds crazy but, just do it) and take all anger, rage, resentment, etc. out of the act and just do it. I, again, think it will take only a couple of weeks before you have him taking out the garbage and washing the dog without being asked...ok, got a little carried away there but, he will do whatever you need to make you happy. I really believe that men want their wives to be truly happy but, it is a vicious circle here people. Someone must break the cycle so, I throw down the gauntlet to all my readers (and Matt Lauer)...give it a whirl and report back as to how things are going.

We're BAAACCCKK!!!

Yes, I have returned after 11 days of vacationing with the family. Awesome trip but, REALLY glad to be home. In the past 11 days I have: lived off the grid, spent an obscene amount of time with my in laws extended family and loved it, and lived out of a suitcase. The kids had a fantastic time getting dirty and staying up late giggling with their cousins. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed the "off the grid" life. I didn't shower for a few days...4 to be exact but, who was counting. I considered the kids somewhat clean if they came in contact with water of some sort throughout the day (ocean even counted) and we experimented with hairstyles to hide the dirt...ponytails and braids were a big hit.

I was a bit taken back when we arrived since I thought that we would be completely away from anything and everything. I envisioned fetching water (which the guys did), bathroom in a pit type thing, and heating water over an open flame. Much to my surprise...we had drinking water that did not involve filtering but, it did involve fetching and we had a bathroom with a flush toilet but, it was prefaced by the saying of "if it's yellow let it mellow..." ( I was happy to have some sort of plumbing so who cares) and we were able to cook via gas stove top.

We spent days jumping from the pier, playing board games and running a muck and nights catching fireflies and chatting by the moonlight. We came home with so many bug bites it is amazing we have any blood left inside our bodies and the desire to return in the future. It was AWESOME!!!

Unplugged

I am unplugging for a bit and I am quite nervous about it. What will I do? I have no idea...but, feel like it is necessary to do...for now. What does unplugging mean, you ask? Well, I will not be checking e-mails, the good book, blogs...NADA!!! I KNOW...CRAZY..right? Yes, totally crazy but, in all honesty I am doing this more because of the fact that I don't want to be tied to a computer for the summer. Actually to be TOTALLY honest, we are headed out of town with limited internet service and sometimes even limited electricity and indoor plumbing...OMG...not sure which one of those stresses me out more. So, rather then have you all wondering where I went (as I know you would...right? RIGHT??? OMG....RIGHT???), I will return in about 13 days and a few odd hours...wish me luck. We will see how long it is before I head to an internet cafe to get me some "face time" with the good book. I am betting on 3 days before I start twitching....

Sweet Smell of Summer (or maybe it is beer...I'm not sure)

It is finally here...the day we have been counting down to for 185 days. Today was the last day of school. Bittersweet for me since I am moving schools yet AGAIN. Hoping that I have finally found a home for my belongings...I don't like being the counseling foster child so keeping my fingers crossed that the next site is one I can stay at forever and ever and ever...well, until I die...or retire...whatever. I am thrilled that I no longer will be working with "CRAZY counselor" anymore. Seriously, she was/is crazy beyond belief. Why is it that counselors are crazy? Let's answer that question another time...k?

Working at a high school brought me lots of joy and sorrows (ie crazy counselor). The kids were wonderful and most were mature and some were stoned throughout their entire senior year. What student in their right mind gets high in the staff bathroom? I think I just answered my own question so let's move on. I was able to reconnect with students that I knew when they were in 3rd grade and now they are graduating...sniff sniff. I was able to partake in their graduation ceremony (which was awesome since they sang a Whitesnake song..."Here I go again on my own...going down the only road I've ever know...like a drifter I was born to walk alone"...sigh), take pictures of the kids, and give them hugs right before they got their diploma. Only 5 of the kids that I knew back in the day, graduated...now, some were at different schools, some moved away and sadly some dropped out. 5 out of 40? Not a very good statistic. I will say this though...the district I work in is HUGE and kids have many options of high schools to attend. We also have a high transient population with families and kids moving several times. So foreign to me since the majority of the kids I went to grade school with went on to graduate from the one high school in my district. No...wait...6...there were 6 of the original crew...PHEW. 6 out of 40. I feel much better now. Celebrate the successes....otherwise I go crazy...HEY...maybe that is what happened with the "crazy counselor" lady?

Congratulations to the class of 2010!!

Crazy is as Crazy does....

Crazy is following me these days. I, often times, stop myself mid conversations when I reference other people's insanity, to figure out if it is really me that is crazy or if my thoughts are in fact true...I attract crazy behavior like a moth to a flame. I work with crazy...I live with crazy...I was raised by crazy...I am friends with crazy. Now, all of you reading this are thinking... "Hey I raised her....is she thinking I am crazy?" Yes, mom...you are crazy but, in a good way, k? And no, I am not in the trunk of someone's car nor have I been kidnapped. OR "Hey, I hang out with her, is she talking about me being crazy" SEE? This is what I think ALL.THE.TIME. Maybe it is me....I have no idea but, the crazy adds spice to my life. I do NOT like the crazy at work though...she really IS crazy and I don't mean crazy in a nice and funny way. She talks to herself, she says I am texting in meetings even though I don't have my phone with me, she says I talk too loud (I will give her that one) and she hates me for no reason. I mean NO REASON AT ALL. I am likable, I am sweet, I am funny and all that crap...what is not to like (aside from me being loud)? Glad the year is almost over so I can meet new crazy people.

Hola Senor Frogs

Now, this may come as quite a surprise to you but my mother was in Mexico last week. Apparently she felt comfortable enough to take a cruise down there even though there is some violence and muggings and kidnappings going on. Rest assured, she would peek her head out of the gangway of the ginormous ship to see if it was safe...and then and ONLY THEN, she would proceed with caution and not trust anyone.

She dawned her Hawaiian shirt, capris, sandals and fanny pack and headed into the port towns in search of the best deals available to tourists (oxymoron, I know). Low and behold, in Cabo she came across the authentic Mexican hangout of Senor Frogs. If anyone went to college in California (or in my case, went to high school in California) has been to Senor Frogs. This is spring break on crack in Mexico. Lots of underage drinking, bikinis, and tequila. Somewhere along the way, my mom ended up in this establishment and let me assure you she is NOT in college nor is she on spring break. She tells me that she "ended up in a conga line." Huh? How do you just end up in conga line? No idea....Then she says "and every time the conga line passed this guy, he squirted stuff in my mouth." This absolutely freaked me out on many levels: 1. What is he squirting in her mouth? 2. WHAT IS HE SQUIRTING IN HER MOUTH??? Even when I asked her if it was tequila, her response was..."I don't know." How do you NOT know if it is tequila? I played through this whole scenario in my mind and at the conclusion of this train wreck I see my mom...face down on the table at Senor Frogs wearing a sarape, a sombrero and her fanny pack. Let's just hope that didn't happen.

I AM ON THE PHONE

These five words are often muttered by ever single mother. The words begin with a sweet rolling off the tongue...something like "Honey, mommy is on the phone, I will help you in a minute." As the child persists that he or she has an absolute emergency that must be tended to at THIS VERY MOMENT the words become a bit more harsh...something like "Yes, I know your sister pulled your hair and I know you didn't like it but, I really think you can work this out with her." At this very moment, it is easy to get pulled into a conversation with the sad eyed child standing before you but, don't be fooled. There is absolutely nothing that can be worked out at this moment in time...whatever you say to this sweet child will inevitably be the exact opposite of what he or she would like to see happen so this would be followed up with more talking, sometimes yelling and always tears. It is best to just stick to the script of "Mommy, is on the phone and unless you are bleeding PROFUSELY (very important to include profusely because he or she will show you all scabs and what might be a speck of dried blood) you need to let mommy talk." Also, important to cover what profusely means BEFORE getting on the phone as he or she will almost always ask for the definition of the word and possibly the root origin of it. This will not be the end of the conversation with the child...he or she will come back for more and it usually has something to do with they TRIED to work things out on their own but, they just couldn't do it. This is where things get dicey for most. Some quotes I have heard at this point while on the phone with other moms include but, are not limited to:

1. " I SAID I AM ON THE PHONE."
2. " Go to your room!"
3. "OK seriously, you need to stop talking to mommy right now or there will be a consequence."
4. "WHAT!!!"
5. "Why is your sister covered in toothpaste?"
6. "What on earth happened in here?"
7. "This is NOT ok."
8. "Do you see the phone that I am holding in my hand?"
9. "Did you lose an appendage? No...then we are done here."
10. "Why are you watching him go to the bathroom? I don't care that you have to go to, you should not be in the bathroom with your pants down together EVER!!!"

MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE!!!!!

He is Down For The Count

So, super hot hubby has been complaining (and I mean complaining) about a pain in his abdomen...not his ass or his side (those would be me but, in his belly...k?) I told him a couple a months ago it was a hernia and he needed to have it checked. You know, with all my medical expertise and all, I am quite capable of self diagnosing...no really, I am!!! For two months, I have heard things like "It hurts after I run." uh DUH... and "I think it is a virus in my intestines." Ummmmm, NOOOOOOOO I said it was a hernia and, HELLLOOOO, of course it hurts when you run. GEEZ. So, he FINALLY went to the Dr. after two months of me telling him what it was and guess what? Yep, HERNIA!!!! Hmmmm...think I need to get myself a scalpel and just scrub in.

He has his surgery scheduled for between his trips...that is another post entirely...and he is getting stressed about it. He doesn't like needles, he doesn't like being put under, he doesn't like having surgery and he doesn't like the idea of a male Dr. handling his junk in any way shape or form. It didn't help matters when I told him I thought the Dr. was H-O-T nor did it help when I told him I could ask to observe the surgery nor did it help when I told him to make sure he wears comfortable, easy on pants. He asked me why that would be important and I didn't hesitate for a second when I said..."Oh when you wake up to them trying to put your pants on you, you might think you are in the frat house again or something." Ya, not really the best thing to say on so many levels. My bad.

Is This What We Have To Look Forward To?

The following is an excerpt from an honest to goodness...no lie...conversation I had recently. These are the exact words that were written...nothing has been changed. BEWARE: It will make you sit in disbelief for a few minutes so, make sure you have some time before proceeding.

"why is it soem like at me as a failure cause i din';rt go to college."

Direct quote...seriously....Hmmm not really sure what to say about that one.

AND, AND...ready for this?

"nearly everything i know was self taught "

Now THAT I believe.

Things I Learned 8 Years Ago Today

This date for me is always so nostalgic and sentimental. I wake up and think back 8 years ago today and remember where I was at every single moment and how my life changed on this day. THIS is the day that my first daughter was born and I became a mom. Now, we all hear all the little tidbits of information that people give you like "sleep when she sleeps" and "Get an epidural!!" While I listened to all those things, I really just listened to myself since I seem to know me the best....you know?

So, in no particular order...this is what I learned 8 years ago today:

1. An epidural is NOT necessary...Ya, that's right...no epidural and by choice!!! I wanted to see if I could do it and truly it was the most amazing experience of my life...crazy? Maybe...but all you readers that run marathons....now THAT is crazy!!!! I honestly believe that I single handedly scared my best friend Schmiggy to death and she will never have kids...true story!

2. The moment that they lay those sweet little cherub babes on your chest...your life is forever changed. FOR.EVER. My daughters bring me the most joy and the most stress all at the same time. Seeing a child sick or hurt is, by far, the hardest thing EVER!!!

3. As she exits each stage and enters a new one, I am excited and sad all at the same time. I loved watching her walk but, at the same time I knew that her giant diaper bottom wouldn't be bustling around on the floor anymore picking up the Cheerios from breakfast and I was going to actually have to sweep the floor..GASP!!!

4. I become very "mama bear"ish if I need to and I truly believe I could kick anyone's ass if they tried to do anything to my kids. I don't even like it when her friends are mean to her...now, I wouldn't kick her friends ass just yet (that just wouldn't be a fair fight) but, I do have some thoughts about those mean girls on the play ground...I'm just sayin'.

5. I love trying to trick them into holding my hand...I will say things like "Can you hold my hand...I think I may get lost walking into the store" I am needing to get a bit more creative as they get older and wise up to my tactics. I hope that they never grow out of wanting to hold my hand or kiss and hug me...I know they will but, I can hope...right?

6. There is nothing sweeter then when she, without prompting, says..."Mommy I really love you." or "I think you are the best mom ever." She has said both of those things and really I almost cry.

7. I love it when people tell me how beautiful my kids are...I always add something else to them being beautiful like..."Thanks...they are so funny too." or "Ya...you should see how strong they are too." I want them to know there is more to them then their looks.

8. I drink A LOT more now that I have kids then ever before...would it be bad if I think everyone is happier if I drink? WAIT...don't answer that...I think I know the answer. HELL NO that isn't bad...right? OK...good..moving on.

9. I am proud of my little "baby pouch"....ok proud is a little strong but, I guess it doesn't bother me that much. When it does...I just see her pretty little smile or the sparkle in her eye and realize that the little muffin top is so worth it so who cares. Well, I am NOT proud of it when I run into an ex boyfriend or at my high school reunion where no one had them..how is that possible? I have no idea but, I sucked my stomach in that entire night...is that a work out? I think it is..

10. I love cheese and cannot live without it. Now, this tidbit has nothing to do with having kids, I just thought you would like to know...

"What I meant to say" Wednesdays

Oh how I love Wednesdays now...thanks Chief for giving me the liberty to jump up on my soap box and spew things that I don't normally say out loud. Usually I am able to rant in my head for a very long time but, NOW...I can do it to all of you..my 41 readers?? How lovely is that?

Situation: Teacher at my school who clearly does not respect counselors or what a counselor might do sent an email to the ENTIRE staff including administration saying...and I quote..."Please don’t waste your time telling me I’m crazy, ill-informed or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ve heard that from admin and counseling before and I’m done buying it." (This is just a portion of the e-mail...but, I think you get the idea)

My Response: Hmmm, well, nothing really since I would NEVER send an email like that to the ENTIRE staff so, I was pretty much speechless....I KNOW...how can that be?

WIMTS: Holy Crap!!! If you don't want people to think you are crazy maybe..just MAYBE, you should refrain from stating that in your e-mail? Just sayin'. Oh ya...maybe you should be a bit reflective and figure out why people are telling you that you may in fact be a bit looney? Just sayin' AND please, for the love of hoodies and converse tennis shoes, please take your meds!!!

The Accident

We had a big accident in our house last week. It was really sad and quite traumatic to say the least. You all remember the dolls that we have that cost more then most people spend on their heart medication..right? Well, both of my girls have one and they LOVE them....OK, I love them. I really want Kit Kittridge if anyone is interested in an early birthday present or just a present for me being all wonderful and great..no? Always worth a shot.

Anyway, these dolls go with us to lots of places...they are almost always in the car with us and they are in constant need of a wardrobe change. Weird but, they are always changing clothes. My youngest is very consistent with her doll and she rarely matches and NEVER has her hair brushed..much like everyday life in my house. They have gone to lunch with us and my friend Sunshine and were totally discriminated against. Not sure if it was the fact that they were little people or the waitress did not believe they were real? At any rate, they were NOT given a menu and they were not allowed to order. GASP!!! I know...hard to believe that people like that still exist in the good ol' USA but, sadly, they do.

Yes, we have a very unhealthy love for the American Girl dolls that reside in our house and I am still keeping my fingers crossed that I will be adopting Kit in the future but, if we don't love them...who will? Imagine my heart ache when Julie (my oldest daughter's doll) had an unfortunate run in with the curly slide at the park. She was playing nicely on top of the slide (so not safe and if I was there I would not have allowed such radical behavior) when she slipped and fell from the top. She was injured and injured badly. She has a broken leg, sprained ankle, broken arm, broken thumb and various scrapes and bruises that have required an obscene amount of band-aids. She has been confined to a wheelchair since the accident and she is making little progress. Her broken thumb has since healed (only because the thumb splint has fallen off and may have been eaten by the cat) but, her legs are still broken or sprained and due to the broken arm she is not able to use the crutches. She is in bad shape so, please keep her in your thoughts this week as we are all hoping for a speedy recovery.

PS...Poor Julie spends her day longing to go outside. FYI - Yes, all of the items have been purchased for American Girl Dolls at a ridiculously high rate. Looks like someone will be going without their heart medication again.

Things Kids Say....

Maybe I should say...Things MY kids say. They keep me in stitches most of the time. Is it bad that I enjoy them most when they are asleep? Don't answer that...but, I honestly do. They are so peaceful and usually smell good after taking a bath. I love to lay in bed with them and snuggle with their sweet little arms around my neck. They are delightful...USUALLY.

Now, anyone with kids knows that those little precious angels can turn on you...and turn fast!! I am constantly getting an eye roll from my oldest one and she is only 8!!! My youngest copies everything her sister does so, I get it from her as well. The double eye roll is what makes my blood boil. When they look at each other and both roll their eyes in unison...as if they are ganging up on me. My jaw dropped to the floor when my oldest said "You annoy me sometimes." Say huh? EXCUSE ME!!!! Did I NOT push you out of my body? Did I NOT withstand a pain that is unimaginable for hours in order to meet you? Would you like to step back into my uterus and give this another try?

My youngest likes to make people laugh. She says things that she knows will get a reaction from people and she says them loudly and with enough sass to fill a room. She makes up her own words and somedays we are dealing with opposite days where yes means no and sometimes it is opposite opposite day where yes means no means yes. I know....I can't follow it either. She tells me when I am wrong and she uses the word "seriously" all too much. "Mommy, you are seriously wrong...no seriously." I cannot carry on a conversation with that child without a smile of some sort. They say laughter is the best medicine...then I am in good shape.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

Oh how I love thee "What I Meant to Say" Wednesdays...let me count the ways. One day where I get to say exactly what I wished I could have said and for whatever reason I didn't....PERFECT!! Head on over to Chief's and check out what she meant to say.

When reading Chiefs blog and hearing that she is taking a break from the internet for a while, I said..."Awww, I will miss her and hope she is back soon." What I meant to say was..."What the Hell? Where is she going? Why is she leaving for a while? How can she do this? Just when we found each other in blogland too? GEEZ." (In all seriousness, I will miss Chief but, understand her need for a hiatus to deal with some issues.)

When super hot hubby told me how good I looked one morning as I was walking out the door on my way to work, my response was..."Aww, thanks honey...have a good day." What I meant to say is..."Maybe you should call the Dr. today....did you fall down and hit your head? How many fingers and am I holding up?"

During that stupid play that I am in...the mean director YELLED at me and asked.."Ummm, excuse me, but, can you transcend matter?" My response was.."huh? ummm, no...wait am I supposed to do that?" Then water works began...so embarrassing. What I meant to say was..."Hey!!! Lady!!! What is your problem? Why don't you bring your fat cankles over here and say that to my face? NO? Oh I didn't think so..."

After one of the performances of the stupid play the fat cankled director told me. "Wow, you did great..you really killed it in the second act. Why can't you do that the entire show?" My response was..."Thanks? I think?" What I meant to say was..." I hope a lightning bolt strikes you on the head. I really do."

Opening Day

Opening day of the stupid play went off without a hitch...that's right...All went well. I was nervous up until the very second I got in my place to begin. The theater was far from sold out but, there was a good number of people there. There was this one kid sitting in the second row...with glasses?? Ya, you know who you are..you little punk!!!...He kept interrupting me as I was speaking which was pretty annoying to say the least. I stayed on cue and was actually able to respond to him...IN CHARACTER no less...and basically told him to shut up (nicely of course).

Super hot hubby was at my beck and call all day long. He was so supportive and actually got angry when the stupid director yelled at me AGAIN!! Even if he wasn't mad or if he didn't think she yelled all that much...he played along at least. Still not sure if I will do this again but, at least the end result has been good. I will say this...the stupid director and I will NOT be friends after this show. Not even "good book friends"...seriously, THAT is a big deal.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

I am so excited for another round of what I meant to say...I mean REAL excited I could almost piddle. Jump on over and check out what Chief meant to say as well...she is a hoot!!!

So, here it goes...my weekly "therapy" of keepin' it real.

To the director of the play that I so carelessly tried out for and clearly did not think all the way through...ya THAT director...who obviously does not see how freakin funny I really am and went on a rampage about saying I was upstaging myself in a scene and my sweet outwardly response was "oh, sorry...so you want me stand here? Got it." What I meant to say is..."Don't freakin yell at me..I cry easily and honestly you don't want me to cry. I have no freakin idea what the hell upstaging means and why you are so damn upset about it. JUST.BE.NICE and I might be more inclined to follow your directions...I said MIGHT you BEEYYAATTCCHH!!!! Really...how hard is it to be nice?"

I was holding that one in for a while..I really don't think she will be my friend after this show...and I would totally knock her ass off the stage if I wasn't in front of the children during rehearsals...I need to be a good role model and all that crap.

To the rest of the cast of this play....I said nothing...but, what I meant to say is..."What in God's name is wrong with you people? Why is this woman allowed to yell at unpaid actors that are doing her a favor by putting on this show? It is a CHILDREN'S fairytale show...with children in the cast...COME ON PEOPLE....if we ban together we can totally take her...actually if she is yelling at you then, she isn't yelling at me so, carry on...good work."

And finally to my Judgy friend (whom I adore but, we see things a bit differently)...what I said was..."Yes it is a stupid rule. I don't think a 6 year old should be suspended for making a hand gesture that resembled a gun on school grounds." What I meant to say is...."HOLD UP!!! When you work in a school with those little buggers, you let me know how you would handle a kid flipping you off or trying to fire you and telling you that you couldn't even work at Burger King because you were so ugly and then telling me that she was going to go home and get a gun and kill me like in mortal combat...5 years old that sweet little GIRL was (true story...actually happened to me and I totally didn't deserve that since I was wearing my jeans that make my ass look good and I just got a hair cut so I think I was presentable enough for Burger King...just sayin') Is it a ridiculous rule? Of course it is...but, a rule none the less. And...AND (I have more here)....the kid had been warned...parents had been warned that it was not appropriate for school. PERIOD!!! People need to take responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. Seriously!!!! Can't we all just get along...let's maybe try not to even gesture whether a gun or a middle finger...I don't like either one...and I would totally knock you on your ass if you flipped me off...oh ya I could and you know it." and cue "We are the World" music.

AND SCENE....this is where I take my bow and you all throw roses onto my soapbox!!