My Confessions of Craziness

I have not fallen and hurt myself, in case you were wondering....

2010-09-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

Forgive me my loyal blog followers, it has been too long since my last blog post. I am hoping I have not lost too many of my wonderful readers and I really have no excuse, except for starting back to school and being super busy with soccer and back to school nights and kids and everything but, I KNOW I KNOW...there is no excuse for my absence.

I have started back to school and nothing provides me with more stories then working in a school. I used to think that elementary school was THE BEST place to get some funny stories but, I think the middle school exceeds my expectations. They keep me on my toes with the D-R-A-M-A. I had a young girl come in my office crying and so upset she could hardly talk. I asked her what was going on and she told me she was upset because she was absent from school the day before and she just found out that her best friend got a boyfriend and broke up with him and she wasn't "there for her" ...uh huh...I totally see why she was sooooo upset. Makes perfect sense...no?

Today I had the pleasure of meeting a young boy who believes he is a wizard. No really...an honest to goodness wizard. He is a sweet boy and I think I need to befriend him so that he doesn't put a spell on me. He was talking to me about what he likes about school and I was asking him about his friends. He stated he had no friends and this made me sad. I asked him why because he seemed like a nice enough kid (except for the wizardry and all that) and he told me he doesn't have friends because he doesn't brush his teeth. I was perplexed by this reasoning and I asked him...."Wait...what? or better yet why don't you brush your teeth?" His response? "Well, I don't like toothpaste and I end up spitting it all over the mirror." Oh right...I get it...wait...WHAT? Do you see the connection? Ya...me neither. I just told him not to lead with that information and he will be making friends in no time....or maybe he can just spell some kids into being his friend. Either way...it is going to be a fun year.

Some of Life's Greatest Lessons are Learned on a Pub Crawl

2010-08-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

After completing my college years, I thought for sure, I would never be on another pub crawl EVER!!! I enjoyed the pub crawl back in the day but, I am just too sophisticated to do THOSE kinds of things anymore. I mean...SERIOUSLY, who has time to be gallivanting all over town doing Jager Bombs and playing a drinking golf game? NOT ME!!! Low and behold my wonderful neighbors who love to have a great time invited me on a pub crawl. Now, first of all....we all have kids so we left at 2:00 PM instead of the regular rowdy crowd that goes until the wee hours of the morning. Good call. I have had a day to mull over the happenings of last night and I have learned some very valuable lessons from my evening (ok ok late afternoon) on the streets.

1. Hydration is key. Don't be fooled into thinking that because you are drinking a beer chaser after a shot of Patron that you have fulfilled your water quota...even if it is Bud Light or Coors Light.

2. Tequila was my friend again for one night and one night only. I LOVE it but, it is like a one night stand....you wake up thinking "What the hell did I do?" Only to look over and see an empty Patron bottle...(hanging head in shame).

3. Don't underestimate the importance of comfortable shoes. Looking cute is NOT the most important thing in a pub crawl. The most important thing is to REMAIN on your feet and sometimes heels or high wedges hinder one's ability to remain upright.

4. Wear cute, somewhat new, and clean undergarments. We are all mom's and wives and sometimes...well, I don't put a lot of money or time into the undergarments anymore. Who cares....right? Well, when exiting the bathroom at the 6th bar it is imperative to ensure that your undergarments are in fact UNDER you clothes and not hanging out for all to see...Just sayin'. Of course, all the women told her that her bra was really pretty and wondered where she got it.

5. Five pubs....good...really, really good. Six pubs? Bad...very very bad. Pace yourself..don't go crazy at bar number 1....it is downhill from there.

6. Play the drinking golf game even if you don't get it. Adds some excitement to the evening. Lowest score wins....that is all you need to know.

7. There are some really weird people that hang out at bars at 3:00 in the afternoon. We are not those people since we just went that one time but, WOW!!! How do people get that drunk at 3:00...oh wait...my bad...moving on.

8. Always remember the extra credit points during the game. No injuries to self or others (otherwise you add 2 points...and yes we had injuries to others in a horrible angry pen incident).

9. I can hold my pee for a freakishly long period of time. While this may not seem overly amazing to anyone...us pub crawlers know it got me -4 points. I could have won the whole game but, sadly the shuffleboard was not my friend that night. What would I have won you might be asking? NOTHING...just the status of saying I won. All that pee holding for nothing? DANG...

10. Nothing says "pub crawl" like a 9:00 PM run in the pub crawl van to Taco Bell with 10 drunk people SCREAMING out their order. I didn't even order anything and somehow I ended up with a Nacho Supreme and Mexican Pizza.

We had such a great time and I still wonder why after each stop we got progressively louder. I felt bad for the woman driving us around....she had no idea what was in store for her. She DID come prepared though for the aftermath in the front seat...ouch. The pub crawl van had seen better days.

English, Por Favor

2010-08-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

You all KNOW how much I love comments...Good, bad, indifferent...don't care (ok yes, I do care since I like comments where you all agree with me and all my wonderfulness) . I get excited when I have double digit comments. My only request is that you leave your comments IN ENGLISH. I know, I know...how rude of me not to embrace different people's culture and some might even call me racist but, FYI...I do NOT speak any form of Chinese or Japanese (and sadly I have no idea which language my Asain followers are even speaking). I am excited about the "global" status that my simple little blog has obtained but, COME ON!!!! English please people...ENGLISH!!!!

It is Looming Over Me Like a Ton of Bricks

2010-07-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

It is THAT time of year again....I begin to see backpacks in the store...let me rephrase that...I NOTICE backpacks in the stores again. They put those buggers out before school even gets out sometimes but, I never notice them until I realize we are almost there. The first day of school is rapidly approaching. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't there...it is like the mice or rats that live somewhere in everyone's attic. No seriously...the air conditioning guy told me that EVERYONE has mice or rats..and I was all.."uh no, we don't" and he was all "I have never been in a house that didn't and I have been doing this for 26 years" and I was all..."well, maybe I will be your first" and he was all.."I don't think so." BASTARD and then we didn't hire him...HA...so, we don't have any mice or rats. PHEW....

Back to the first day of school, I actually love the first day of school...I really do. The kids are so freakin excited and everything is new and fresh. I remember my parents buying me my Trapper Keepers and getting them all organized and laying out my clothes the day before. As a counselor, I can pretty much be assured that it is the ONLY day we have zero behavior problems. Most teachers won't send kids on the very first day and most kids behave at least on the first day...right? I am starting a new school next year and I am so excited. Working with middle school kids is a challenge but, they are so much easier then the itty bitty guys. Their issues seem bigger but, they are easier to deal with. The little guys would take an hour just to get them to stop crying only to hear them say that "Chamapagne (a real name...seriously) hit me and we were friends and now she doesn't like me." An hour? Really? "Give her a few days sweetie she will come around...here is a sticker and I will see you in a few days." Counseling skills at it's finest, don't you think? With middle school kids they really do want my help (for the most part) and their problems usually involve a friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent or teacher, in order of importance. I can handle a friend issue, break up drama, parents bugging them and teacher giving them a bad grade all in one hour or less. Mostly because they talk so fast but, whatever....I get the job done.

So, the first day of school is just around the corner and the idea of starting all over with a new staff and new kids is a bit overwhelming. I can only be charming and sweet for so long, you know? I am already thinking about what great thing I did over the summer to share with the staff on the first staff day. Needs to be super cool but, not showy...first impressions are sometimes tough to overcome. I still have a few more days of summer bliss but, it is lurking...I just know it.

I am Riding my Theory Train all the Way to the Today Show

2010-07-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

I have a theory...a GOOD theory. I do believe it will get me on Oprah someday...ok, maybe not Oprah but, maybe The Today Show or something. I do LOVE Matt Lauer...if your reading Matt, I would happily come on your show. So, I have been married for 10 years and we have had our ups and downs. Marriage is tough and people don't realize this prior to saying their "I do's". If I would have known what I know now, I still would have married Super Hot Hubby (what can I say...I was drunk) but, I certainly would have had a different perspective. You see, I have been fighting the "system" for 10 years thus wreaking havoc on my life. I am here to enlighten you all with my words of wisdom and to save all the marriages of the world.

My theory is quite easy and can be broken down into 2 categories....A. Men are simple and B. Women are mean. Easy Peasy, right? Now, I know my readers are predominantly women so all the women out there that just gasped at the very thought of being mean just close your mouth and let me explain. Now, men are sooooooo simple, seriously, come on now ladies we all know that for men it is about the sex. Super hot hubby denies this and says it is about the intimacy and not NECESSARILY the sex..I know, made me laugh too. To that, I say...BULL. It is ALL about the sex for men. "When am I going to get it?" "What do I have to do to get it?" "I did this last week and I got sex and now nothing...what gives?" See? Men want to make their wives happy...they really do. I used to think super hot hubby wanted to piss me off...sometimes I think he really does but, for the most part they want to make us happy...(as long as it involves sex).

Now, women KNOW this information (although we deny knowing it and want to believe men when they say "awww honey I understand, let's just snuggle" knowing that we have only pacified the beast) and yet, we use that very thing that men want most as a weapon. We women believe if we with hold the one most important thing to men, they will do what we want them to do. Here is where it gets tricky....you see? Men never know what we want and honestly, they never will. Women keep switching things up on them. What got men sex last week no longer works...see? MEAN!! And we expect them to KNOW what we want even though we have changed it all up on them.

So, Yes, Women are mean and men want sex but, here is where my theory comes to fruition ( I have always wanted to use that word...there you have it...fruition). I BELIEVE that all it takes is one month. Those that are willing to try this out...I need feed back. So, men that are reading (two of you? How ever many there are out there) you are to be extremely nice to your women, no matter what they throw at you (words or dishes or whatever). One month of doing exactly as they want you to do. When they snap at you...you just apologize and tell them "Yes, honey, I will take the kids out for a little bit so you can sit and watch Bachelorette" Throw in an "I love you" every now and then. Here is the kicker...ready? You do all this with expecting NOTHING in return. I believe that it will take only a couple of weeks before a woman realizes that her man is really wanting to make her happy and she will give up all the goods willingly and happily.

Now for the women? I ain't gonna lie...this will not sound like a good theory but, trust me...try it. You must "be intimate" whenever he wants it. You must act like you want to do this (I KNOW..sounds crazy but, just do it) and take all anger, rage, resentment, etc. out of the act and just do it. I, again, think it will take only a couple of weeks before you have him taking out the garbage and washing the dog without being asked...ok, got a little carried away there but, he will do whatever you need to make you happy. I really believe that men want their wives to be truly happy but, it is a vicious circle here people. Someone must break the cycle so, I throw down the gauntlet to all my readers (and Matt Lauer)...give it a whirl and report back as to how things are going.

We're BAAACCCKK!!!

2010-06-29T06:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have returned after 11 days of vacationing with the family. Awesome trip but, REALLY glad to be home. In the past 11 days I have: lived off the grid, spent an obscene amount of time with my in laws extended family and loved it, and lived out of a suitcase. The kids had a fantastic time getting dirty and staying up late giggling with their cousins. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed the "off the grid" life. I didn't shower for a few days...4 to be exact but, who was counting. I considered the kids somewhat clean if they came in contact with water of some sort throughout the day (ocean even counted) and we experimented with hairstyles to hide the dirt...ponytails and braids were a big hit.

I was a bit taken back when we arrived since I thought that we would be completely away from anything and everything. I envisioned fetching water (which the guys did), bathroom in a pit type thing, and heating water over an open flame. Much to my surprise...we had drinking water that did not involve filtering but, it did involve fetching and we had a bathroom with a flush toilet but, it was prefaced by the saying of "if it's yellow let it mellow..." ( I was happy to have some sort of plumbing so who cares) and we were able to cook via gas stove top.

We spent days jumping from the pier, playing board games and running a muck and nights catching fireflies and chatting by the moonlight. We came home with so many bug bites it is amazing we have any blood left inside our bodies and the desire to return in the future. It was AWESOME!!!

Unplugged

2010-06-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

I am unplugging for a bit and I am quite nervous about it. What will I do? I have no idea...but, feel like it is necessary to do...for now. What does unplugging mean, you ask? Well, I will not be checking e-mails, the good book, blogs...NADA!!! I KNOW...CRAZY..right? Yes, totally crazy but, in all honesty I am doing this more because of the fact that I don't want to be tied to a computer for the summer. Actually to be TOTALLY honest, we are headed out of town with limited internet service and sometimes even limited electricity and indoor plumbing...OMG...not sure which one of those stresses me out more. So, rather then have you all wondering where I went (as I know you would...right? RIGHT??? OMG....RIGHT???), I will return in about 13 days and a few odd hours...wish me luck. We will see how long it is before I head to an internet cafe to get me some "face time" with the good book. I am betting on 3 days before I start twitching....

Sweet Smell of Summer (or maybe it is beer...I'm not sure)

2010-06-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

It is finally here...the day we have been counting down to for 185 days. Today was the last day of school. Bittersweet for me since I am moving schools yet AGAIN. Hoping that I have finally found a home for my belongings...I don't like being the counseling foster child so keeping my fingers crossed that the next site is one I can stay at forever and ever and ever...well, until I die...or retire...whatever. I am thrilled that I no longer will be working with "CRAZY counselor" anymore. Seriously, she was/is crazy beyond belief. Why is it that counselors are crazy? Let's answer that question another time...k?

Working at a high school brought me lots of joy and sorrows (ie crazy counselor). The kids were wonderful and most were mature and some were stoned throughout their entire senior year. What student in their right mind gets high in the staff bathroom? I think I just answered my own question so let's move on. I was able to reconnect with students that I knew when they were in 3rd grade and now they are graduating...sniff sniff. I was able to partake in their graduation ceremony (which was awesome since they sang a Whitesnake song..."Here I go again on my own...going down the only road I've ever know...like a drifter I was born to walk alone"...sigh), take pictures of the kids, and give them hugs right before they got their diploma. Only 5 of the kids that I knew back in the day, graduated...now, some were at different schools, some moved away and sadly some dropped out. 5 out of 40? Not a very good statistic. I will say this though...the district I work in is HUGE and kids have many options of high schools to attend. We also have a high transient population with families and kids moving several times. So foreign to me since the majority of the kids I went to grade school with went on to graduate from the one high school in my district. No...wait...6...there were 6 of the original crew...PHEW. 6 out of 40. I feel much better now. Celebrate the successes....otherwise I go crazy...HEY...maybe that is what happened with the "crazy counselor" lady?

Congratulations to the class of 2010!!

Crazy is as Crazy does....

2010-06-08T21:55:00.001-07:00

Crazy is following me these days. I, often times, stop myself mid conversations when I reference other people's insanity, to figure out if it is really me that is crazy or if my thoughts are in fact true...I attract crazy behavior like a moth to a flame. I work with crazy...I live with crazy...I was raised by crazy...I am friends with crazy. Now, all of you reading this are thinking... "Hey I raised her....is she thinking I am crazy?" Yes, mom...you are crazy but, in a good way, k? And no, I am not in the trunk of someone's car nor have I been kidnapped. OR "Hey, I hang out with her, is she talking about me being crazy" SEE? This is what I think ALL.THE.TIME. Maybe it is me....I have no idea but, the crazy adds spice to my life. I do NOT like the crazy at work though...she really IS crazy and I don't mean crazy in a nice and funny way. She talks to herself, she says I am texting in meetings even though I don't have my phone with me, she says I talk too loud (I will give her that one) and she hates me for no reason. I mean NO REASON AT ALL. I am likable, I am sweet, I am funny and all that crap...what is not to like (aside from me being loud)? Glad the year is almost over so I can meet new crazy people.

Hola Senor Frogs

2010-05-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

Now, this may come as quite a surprise to you but my mother was in Mexico last week. Apparently she felt comfortable enough to take a cruise down there even though there is some violence and muggings and kidnappings going on. Rest assured, she would peek her head out of the gangway of the ginormous ship to see if it was safe...and then and ONLY THEN, she would proceed with caution and not trust anyone.

She dawned her Hawaiian shirt, capris, sandals and fanny pack and headed into the port towns in search of the best deals available to tourists (oxymoron, I know). Low and behold, in Cabo she came across the authentic Mexican hangout of Senor Frogs. If anyone went to college in California (or in my case, went to high school in California) has been to Senor Frogs. This is spring break on crack in Mexico. Lots of underage drinking, bikinis, and tequila. Somewhere along the way, my mom ended up in this establishment and let me assure you she is NOT in college nor is she on spring break. She tells me that she "ended up in a conga line." Huh? How do you just end up in conga line? No idea....Then she says "and every time the conga line passed this guy, he squirted stuff in my mouth." This absolutely freaked me out on many levels: 1. What is he squirting in her mouth? 2. WHAT IS HE SQUIRTING IN HER MOUTH??? Even when I asked her if it was tequila, her response was..."I don't know." How do you NOT know if it is tequila? I played through this whole scenario in my mind and at the conclusion of this train wreck I see my mom...face down on the table at Senor Frogs wearing a sarape, a sombrero and her fanny pack. Let's just hope that didn't happen.

I AM ON THE PHONE

2010-05-10T20:44:00.001-07:00

These five words are often muttered by ever single mother. The words begin with a sweet rolling off the tongue...something like "Honey, mommy is on the phone, I will help you in a minute." As the child persists that he or she has an absolute emergency that must be tended to at THIS VERY MOMENT the words become a bit more harsh...something like "Yes, I know your sister pulled your hair and I know you didn't like it but, I really think you can work this out with her." At this very moment, it is easy to get pulled into a conversation with the sad eyed child standing before you but, don't be fooled. There is absolutely nothing that can be worked out at this moment in time...whatever you say to this sweet child will inevitably be the exact opposite of what he or she would like to see happen so this would be followed up with more talking, sometimes yelling and always tears. It is best to just stick to the script of "Mommy, is on the phone and unless you are bleeding PROFUSELY (very important to include profusely because he or she will show you all scabs and what might be a speck of dried blood) you need to let mommy talk." Also, important to cover what profusely means BEFORE getting on the phone as he or she will almost always ask for the definition of the word and possibly the root origin of it. This will not be the end of the conversation with the child...he or she will come back for more and it usually has something to do with they TRIED to work things out on their own but, they just couldn't do it. This is where things get dicey for most. Some quotes I have heard at this point while on the phone with other moms include but, are not limited to:

1. " I SAID I AM ON THE PHONE."
2. " Go to your room!"
3. "OK seriously, you need to stop talking to mommy right now or there will be a consequence."
4. "WHAT!!!"
5. "Why is your sister covered in toothpaste?"
6. "What on earth happened in here?"
7. "This is NOT ok."
8. "Do you see the phone that I am holding in my hand?"
9. "Did you lose an appendage? No...then we are done here."
10. "Why are you watching him go to the bathroom? I don't care that you have to go to, you should not be in the bathroom with your pants down together EVER!!!"

MOMMY IS ON THE PHONE!!!!!

He is Down For The Count

2010-05-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

So, super hot hubby has been complaining (and I mean complaining) about a pain in his abdomen...not his ass or his side (those would be me but, in his belly...k?) I told him a couple a months ago it was a hernia and he needed to have it checked. You know, with all my medical expertise and all, I am quite capable of self diagnosing...no really, I am!!! For two months, I have heard things like "It hurts after I run." uh DUH... and "I think it is a virus in my intestines." Ummmmm, NOOOOOOOO I said it was a hernia and, HELLLOOOO, of course it hurts when you run. GEEZ. So, he FINALLY went to the Dr. after two months of me telling him what it was and guess what? Yep, HERNIA!!!! Hmmmm...think I need to get myself a scalpel and just scrub in.

He has his surgery scheduled for between his trips...that is another post entirely...and he is getting stressed about it. He doesn't like needles, he doesn't like being put under, he doesn't like having surgery and he doesn't like the idea of a male Dr. handling his junk in any way shape or form. It didn't help matters when I told him I thought the Dr. was H-O-T nor did it help when I told him I could ask to observe the surgery nor did it help when I told him to make sure he wears comfortable, easy on pants. He asked me why that would be important and I didn't hesitate for a second when I said..."Oh when you wake up to them trying to put your pants on you, you might think you are in the frat house again or something." Ya, not really the best thing to say on so many levels. My bad.

Is This What We Have To Look Forward To?

2010-04-21T19:05:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from an honest to goodness...no lie...conversation I had recently. These are the exact words that were written...nothing has been changed. BEWARE: It will make you sit in disbelief for a few minutes so, make sure you have some time before proceeding.

"why is it soem like at me as a failure cause i din';rt go to college."

Direct quote...seriously....Hmmm not really sure what to say about that one.

AND, AND...ready for this?

"nearly everything i know was self taught "

Now THAT I believe.

Things I Learned 8 Years Ago Today

2010-04-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

This date for me is always so nostalgic and sentimental. I wake up and think back 8 years ago today and remember where I was at every single moment and how my life changed on this day. THIS is the day that my first daughter was born and I became a mom. Now, we all hear all the little tidbits of information that people give you like "sleep when she sleeps" and "Get an epidural!!" While I listened to all those things, I really just listened to myself since I seem to know me the best....you know?

So, in no particular order...this is what I learned 8 years ago today:

1. An epidural is NOT necessary...Ya, that's right...no epidural and by choice!!! I wanted to see if I could do it and truly it was the most amazing experience of my life...crazy? Maybe...but all you readers that run marathons....now THAT is crazy!!!! I honestly believe that I single handedly scared my best friend Schmiggy to death and she will never have kids...true story!

2. The moment that they lay those sweet little cherub babes on your chest...your life is forever changed. FOR.EVER. My daughters bring me the most joy and the most stress all at the same time. Seeing a child sick or hurt is, by far, the hardest thing EVER!!!

3. As she exits each stage and enters a new one, I am excited and sad all at the same time. I loved watching her walk but, at the same time I knew that her giant diaper bottom wouldn't be bustling around on the floor anymore picking up the Cheerios from breakfast and I was going to actually have to sweep the floor..GASP!!!

4. I become very "mama bear"ish if I need to and I truly believe I could kick anyone's ass if they tried to do anything to my kids. I don't even like it when her friends are mean to her...now, I wouldn't kick her friends ass just yet (that just wouldn't be a fair fight) but, I do have some thoughts about those mean girls on the play ground...I'm just sayin'.

5. I love trying to trick them into holding my hand...I will say things like "Can you hold my hand...I think I may get lost walking into the store" I am needing to get a bit more creative as they get older and wise up to my tactics. I hope that they never grow out of wanting to hold my hand or kiss and hug me...I know they will but, I can hope...right?

6. There is nothing sweeter then when she, without prompting, says..."Mommy I really love you." or "I think you are the best mom ever." She has said both of those things and really I almost cry.

7. I love it when people tell me how beautiful my kids are...I always add something else to them being beautiful like..."Thanks...they are so funny too." or "Ya...you should see how strong they are too." I want them to know there is more to them then their looks.

8. I drink A LOT more now that I have kids then ever before...would it be bad if I think everyone is happier if I drink? WAIT...don't answer that...I think I know the answer. HELL NO that isn't bad...right? OK...good..moving on.

9. I am proud of my little "baby pouch"....ok proud is a little strong but, I guess it doesn't bother me that much. When it does...I just see her pretty little smile or the sparkle in her eye and realize that the little muffin top is so worth it so who cares. Well, I am NOT proud of it when I run into an ex boyfriend or at my high school reunion where no one had them..how is that possible? I have no idea but, I sucked my stomach in that entire night...is that a work out? I think it is..

10. I love cheese and cannot live without it. Now, this tidbit has nothing to do with having kids, I just thought you would like to know...

"What I meant to say" Wednesdays

2010-04-14T07:04:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love Wednesdays now...thanks Chief for giving me the liberty to jump up on my soap box and spew things that I don't normally say out loud. Usually I am able to rant in my head for a very long time but, NOW...I can do it to all of you..my 41 readers?? How lovely is that?

Situation: Teacher at my school who clearly does not respect counselors or what a counselor might do sent an email to the ENTIRE staff including administration saying...and I quote..."Please don’t waste your time telling me I’m crazy, ill-informed or that I don’t know what I’m talking about, I’ve heard that from admin and counseling before and I’m done buying it." (This is just a portion of the e-mail...but, I think you get the idea)

My Response: Hmmm, well, nothing really since I would NEVER send an email like that to the ENTIRE staff so, I was pretty much speechless....I KNOW...how can that be?

WIMTS: Holy Crap!!! If you don't want people to think you are crazy maybe..just MAYBE, you should refrain from stating that in your e-mail? Just sayin'. Oh ya...maybe you should be a bit reflective and figure out why people are telling you that you may in fact be a bit looney? Just sayin' AND please, for the love of hoodies and converse tennis shoes, please take your meds!!!

The Accident

2010-04-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

We had a big accident in our house last week. It was really sad and quite traumatic to say the least. You all remember the dolls that we have that cost more then most people spend on their heart medication..right? Well, both of my girls have one and they LOVE them....OK, I love them. I really want Kit Kittridge if anyone is interested in an early birthday present or just a present for me being all wonderful and great..no? Always worth a shot.

Anyway, these dolls go with us to lots of places...they are almost always in the car with us and they are in constant need of a wardrobe change. Weird but, they are always changing clothes. My youngest is very consistent with her doll and she rarely matches and NEVER has her hair brushed..much like everyday life in my house. They have gone to lunch with us and my friend Sunshine and were totally discriminated against. Not sure if it was the fact that they were little people or the waitress did not believe they were real? At any rate, they were NOT given a menu and they were not allowed to order. GASP!!! I know...hard to believe that people like that still exist in the good ol' USA but, sadly, they do.

Yes, we have a very unhealthy love for the American Girl dolls that reside in our house and I am still keeping my fingers crossed that I will be adopting Kit in the future but, if we don't love them...who will? Imagine my heart ache when Julie (my oldest daughter's doll) had an unfortunate run in with the curly slide at the park. She was playing nicely on top of the slide (so not safe and if I was there I would not have allowed such radical behavior) when she slipped and fell from the top. She was injured and injured badly. She has a broken leg, sprained ankle, broken arm, broken thumb and various scrapes and bruises that have required an obscene amount of band-aids. She has been confined to a wheelchair since the accident and she is making little progress. Her broken thumb has since healed (only because the thumb splint has fallen off and may have been eaten by the cat) but, her legs are still broken or sprained and due to the broken arm she is not able to use the crutches. She is in bad shape so, please keep her in your thoughts this week as we are all hoping for a speedy recovery.

PS...Poor Julie spends her day longing to go outside. FYI - Yes, all of the items have been purchased for American Girl Dolls at a ridiculously high rate. Looks like someone will be going without their heart medication again.

Things Kids Say....

2010-03-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should say...Things MY kids say. They keep me in stitches most of the time. Is it bad that I enjoy them most when they are asleep? Don't answer that...but, I honestly do. They are so peaceful and usually smell good after taking a bath. I love to lay in bed with them and snuggle with their sweet little arms around my neck. They are delightful...USUALLY.

Now, anyone with kids knows that those little precious angels can turn on you...and turn fast!! I am constantly getting an eye roll from my oldest one and she is only 8!!! My youngest copies everything her sister does so, I get it from her as well. The double eye roll is what makes my blood boil. When they look at each other and both roll their eyes in unison...as if they are ganging up on me. My jaw dropped to the floor when my oldest said "You annoy me sometimes." Say huh? EXCUSE ME!!!! Did I NOT push you out of my body? Did I NOT withstand a pain that is unimaginable for hours in order to meet you? Would you like to step back into my uterus and give this another try?

My youngest likes to make people laugh. She says things that she knows will get a reaction from people and she says them loudly and with enough sass to fill a room. She makes up her own words and somedays we are dealing with opposite days where yes means no and sometimes it is opposite opposite day where yes means no means yes. I know....I can't follow it either. She tells me when I am wrong and she uses the word "seriously" all too much. "Mommy, you are seriously wrong...no seriously." I cannot carry on a conversation with that child without a smile of some sort. They say laughter is the best medicine...then I am in good shape.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

2010-03-24T06:58:00.001-07:00

Oh how I love thee "What I Meant to Say" Wednesdays...let me count the ways. One day where I get to say exactly what I wished I could have said and for whatever reason I didn't....PERFECT!! Head on over to Chief's and check out what she meant to say.

When reading Chiefs blog and hearing that she is taking a break from the internet for a while, I said..."Awww, I will miss her and hope she is back soon." What I meant to say was..."What the Hell? Where is she going? Why is she leaving for a while? How can she do this? Just when we found each other in blogland too? GEEZ." (In all seriousness, I will miss Chief but, understand her need for a hiatus to deal with some issues.)

When super hot hubby told me how good I looked one morning as I was walking out the door on my way to work, my response was..."Aww, thanks honey...have a good day." What I meant to say is..."Maybe you should call the Dr. today....did you fall down and hit your head? How many fingers and am I holding up?"

During that stupid play that I am in...the mean director YELLED at me and asked.."Ummm, excuse me, but, can you transcend matter?" My response was.."huh? ummm, no...wait am I supposed to do that?" Then water works began...so embarrassing. What I meant to say was..."Hey!!! Lady!!! What is your problem? Why don't you bring your fat cankles over here and say that to my face? NO? Oh I didn't think so..."

After one of the performances of the stupid play the fat cankled director told me. "Wow, you did great..you really killed it in the second act. Why can't you do that the entire show?" My response was..."Thanks? I think?" What I meant to say was..." I hope a lightning bolt strikes you on the head. I really do."

Opening Day

2010-03-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Opening day of the stupid play went off without a hitch...that's right...All went well. I was nervous up until the very second I got in my place to begin. The theater was far from sold out but, there was a good number of people there. There was this one kid sitting in the second row...with glasses?? Ya, you know who you are..you little punk!!!...He kept interrupting me as I was speaking which was pretty annoying to say the least. I stayed on cue and was actually able to respond to him...IN CHARACTER no less...and basically told him to shut up (nicely of course).

Super hot hubby was at my beck and call all day long. He was so supportive and actually got angry when the stupid director yelled at me AGAIN!! Even if he wasn't mad or if he didn't think she yelled all that much...he played along at least. Still not sure if I will do this again but, at least the end result has been good. I will say this...the stupid director and I will NOT be friends after this show. Not even "good book friends"...seriously, THAT is a big deal.

"What I Meant to Say" Wednesday

2010-03-09T21:31:00.000-08:00

I am so excited for another round of what I meant to say...I mean REAL excited I could almost piddle. Jump on over and check out what Chief meant to say as well...she is a hoot!!!

So, here it goes...my weekly "therapy" of keepin' it real.

To the director of the play that I so carelessly tried out for and clearly did not think all the way through...ya THAT director...who obviously does not see how freakin funny I really am and went on a rampage about saying I was upstaging myself in a scene and my sweet outwardly response was "oh, sorry...so you want me stand here? Got it." What I meant to say is..."Don't freakin yell at me..I cry easily and honestly you don't want me to cry. I have no freakin idea what the hell upstaging means and why you are so damn upset about it. JUST.BE.NICE and I might be more inclined to follow your directions...I said MIGHT you BEEYYAATTCCHH!!!! Really...how hard is it to be nice?"

I was holding that one in for a while..I really don't think she will be my friend after this show...and I would totally knock her ass off the stage if I wasn't in front of the children during rehearsals...I need to be a good role model and all that crap.

To the rest of the cast of this play....I said nothing...but, what I meant to say is..."What in God's name is wrong with you people? Why is this woman allowed to yell at unpaid actors that are doing her a favor by putting on this show? It is a CHILDREN'S fairytale show...with children in the cast...COME ON PEOPLE....if we ban together we can totally take her...actually if she is yelling at you then, she isn't yelling at me so, carry on...good work."

And finally to my Judgy friend (whom I adore but, we see things a bit differently)...what I said was..."Yes it is a stupid rule. I don't think a 6 year old should be suspended for making a hand gesture that resembled a gun on school grounds." What I meant to say is...."HOLD UP!!! When you work in a school with those little buggers, you let me know how you would handle a kid flipping you off or trying to fire you and telling you that you couldn't even work at Burger King because you were so ugly and then telling me that she was going to go home and get a gun and kill me like in mortal combat...5 years old that sweet little GIRL was (true story...actually happened to me and I totally didn't deserve that since I was wearing my jeans that make my ass look good and I just got a hair cut so I think I was presentable enough for Burger King...just sayin') Is it a ridiculous rule? Of course it is...but, a rule none the less. And...AND (I have more here)....the kid had been warned...parents had been warned that it was not appropriate for school. PERIOD!!! People need to take responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children. Seriously!!!! Can't we all just get along...let's maybe try not to even gesture whether a gun or a middle finger...I don't like either one...and I would totally knock you on your ass if you flipped me off...oh ya I could and you know it." and cue "We are the World" music.

AND SCENE....this is where I take my bow and you all throw roses onto my soapbox!!

"What I meant to say" Wednesdays

2010-03-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

Now THIS?? THIS is a blog carnival I can wrap my pea brain around. I can say exactly what I want to say to the immature, crazy, people that I come in contact with every day??? PICK ME, PICK ME!! I want to play...

So, play along (or not)...but, it is sure to be fun.

Without further ado...

At a staff meeting yesterday as the VP was talking about needing to notify parents if their child is in jeopardy of failing and veered off on a strange path and began discussing bunnies and spring...after an awkward laugh and a roll of my eyes to a coworker...what I meant to say is "Are you freakin kidding me? We are talking about bunnies hopping and spring in a staff meeting? THAT is 45 minutes I will NEVER get back again. Please, please, please don't waste my time with your bunny nonsense."

Oh feels so good...you really should try this people...

NEXT, while on the good book (facebook) and catching up on all my friends and reading all the status updates to be well informed as to the happenings (it is my nightly news...really it is). I begin to read update upon update about how great people's spouses and kids are...with a small gag reflex at someone telling me that their husband is the best ever that THEN led to an out and out war between three people as to who had the best husband??? My facebook response was..."aww how sweet." What I meant to say is..."I want to jam pencils in my eyeballs from all this nonsense about how great your spouses are. I get that they are wonderful and all but, please do that privately...why not just start awkwardly making out on facebook...GEEZ!!! GET A ROOM!!"

Ahhh, one more down...I could get used to this...

To the concerned parent who called me to report that her child was getting two F's and all she cares about is her friends and her phone and what was I (the counselor) going to do about it? My response was..."I appreciate your concern and hope we can work together to get little "Jane" on track. Clearly, you see the importance of her education and want to do whatever it takes to help her to be successful....blah blah blah" NOW, what I meant to say..."Take away her stupid phone, you moron, and keep her home UNTIL she finishes her homework...oh ya, and maybe, just maybe, you might want to look at her being on the cheer squad as a distraction? I don't know...just sayin'. I am only a counselor...my job description no where states that I am a surrogate parent...if she didn't come out of my hooha...I can only do so much!! I mean...seriously!!"

Oh my goodness, that felt so good. I can totally get on board with this carnival. LOVE IT...Thanks Chief!!!

He Has Issues Too!!!

2010-02-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

Super hot hubby needs help...he has a sickness...no joke and it is serious. He cannot go one month without purchasing some sort of sporting equipment from a retail store whose name I cannot say. The letters in the name are E,I, and R...but, I can't tell you the actual name...you know, for copyright reasons or something like that. I gave him a challenge, to go 60 days without a purchase from this store and he began to sweat profusely. He says he is up for the challenge but, his left eye was twitching the entire time he was talking about this challenge...coincidence? I think...NOT!!! Even though he believes and actually said "you are right, honey", I honestly don't think he can do it. WAIT...let me savor this moment for just one second....HELL YA, I am right, you buffoon!!!!!

If I was to go through all of our old credit card statements, I am pretty sure that there would be at least one purchase on each bill (sometimes multiple purchases) for the last two years. He claims it is ok since most of the stuff he buys is on sale or for someone else...I think it is NOT ok!!! It is safe to say that he owns more backpacks than I can count and more running things than I would even WANT to count. We will see how this goes for him but, he is already plotting how he can still purchase stuff with cash online so that it doesn't show up on his bill? Not a good start if you ask me. Don't even get me started on his issue with papers piled up in the office...he has an entire forest back there. I can only tackle one issue at a time...sigh!!

I Am Not Sure If I Will Survive In This Business

2010-02-16T11:50:00.001-08:00

I am NOT cut out for this acting thing. I need a thicker skin to take some of the direction that I am given. The director is nice and all but, she is becoming increasingly frustrated with my newness to the acting world and not be able to tell stage left from stage right or why they need to have a house left and house right that is different then the stage left or stage right....I mean really? Can't you just say left or right or better yet...just point to where you want me to go?

We had a big photo shoot for the debut of the show. Apparently, the picture will go in the newspaper...you know? To embarrass me even more then I already am embarrassed by this whole fiasco. I really have no idea what came over me when I tried out...was I drunk? I wish...but, alas, I was not. I arrive at the photo shoot in my standard work attire...jeans, hoodie and converse tennis shoes. The director had told me that she had my Mother Goose outfit so, basically I just needed to show up. Show up I did...on time no less, thinking this would make her happy and love me and see that I am the next Meryl Streep and that I need to move on to the big screen. She gave me one disgusting look up and down and says....

"Please tell me you at least brought a hair tie for you hair?"

"Ummm....I am sure I can dig one out of my purse (uncomfortable laugh)...will this hot pink clip do with the ginormous flower on it?" (said so clearly as a joke...but, apparently it was not funny)

"Your hair needs to be in a low braid for the wig to go over"

"Wait...wig?"

"Here is your outfit...oh and here is your ma's cap"

"Wait...ma's cap? What the hell is that?"

Oh dear LORD!!! I go get dressed and I kid you NOT here people this is what she said to me...

"Please tell me you brought make up?"

"Ummm, no? I don't know what I am doing here so, if I am supposed to bring something you need to tell me."

"Well, you are a woman...I would think you would have some."

After I get my outfit, wig, ma's cap, and glasses on...she takes one look at me and shakes her head and says...

"Can someone do something with her?" and then she walks away...leaving me standing there holding my goose (literally holding a stuffed goose).

I begin to think this is not for me. After getting some make up...she pushes me on the photo shoot...goose and all...and now I am supposed to look sweet and motherly? Can't wait to see how that turns out.

Scary Dream

2010-02-08T07:06:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those dreams where you wake up and have no idea what was real and what was in your sleep induced mind? You sit up like a bolt saying..."what the hell?" Ya, last night I had such a dream. I was sleeping peacefully and in my dream I was walking through a very hilly city...climbing hills and not being the least bit upset by it (that is how I KNEW it was a dream). There was a bus involved that I was riding on with the rest of my family and I decided to get off and walk...I KNOW, right? That is just crazy talk if you ask me.

In the dream, I come to the enchanted little house where there is a lovely family that wants to feed me some dinner. I, of course, oblige since I am nice like that. I excuse myself to take a tour of the home and come back with the cutest little baby in my arms. I mean deliciously cute and she does not have a bow taped to her head and I know she is girl kinda cute. She is clearly a newborn and apparently when I am touring the house, I snoop through their medicine cabinet and I have a baby? Sure...why not? At this point super hot hubby comes in and he is more then thrilled at the baby and he tells me we MUST name her Rosita Hernandez. Huh? What? We have an exchange back and forth about how maybe a name like Rose or Roselyn or Rosemary would suit her a bit better. He is adamant that we must name her Rosita Hernandez? Why? I have no idea but, we do. So, my new cute little dream baby is Rosita Hernandez and she is just darling.

Making Memories of Us

2010-01-31T19:57:00.000-08:00

I have concluded that I am a skier...always have been, always will be. I have skied since I was itty bitty and have decided I will ski until I can no longer. Except for a 15 year hiatus while in college and grad school and having babies and stuff like that...I have skied for a good portion of my life. I have fond memories of my ski trips as a kid and I hope to pass those on to my kids. I cannot think of skiing and NOT think of all the great times I had such as:

* Riding on the chair lift with my dad and being catapulted like a rocket as the chair lift hit me in the back. Sounds fun...no?

* Having my dad catch me by the hood of my jacket and dangle me below the chair lift like Raggedy Ann only to drop me into the fresh snow bank...skis and all. (Still not bitter about that one dad).

* Skiing through the trees and falling in the fresh powder only to laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants (I think a few times I did but, I want you to like me so, I ALMOST peed k?)

* Being the FIRST people at the mountain so that we could get the BEST parking space so that when we had to walk to get our lunch from the car it wasn't very far. (My parents were cheap like that).

* Skiing so fast down the hill that my eyes are watering.

* Teaching my own kids how to ski.

* Having my youngest on a harness that looks like a leash and having her yell at me "Go faster Santa"

* Seeing my youngest try to ski solo and watching her fall..Charlie Brown style...head over skis a few times and looking up at me with snow covering her face and still laughing.

* My youngest ran smack into the rear of my oldest daughter while skiing and, I swear, their legs ended up looking like a pretzel...all tangled and both skis still attached.

* Watching a run away ski go down the mountain with a boot still attached and hearing my daughter yell "mommy can you get that for me." Ya, sure..let me get this ski WITH a boot and walk it up to you. This ordeal only took about 30 minutes and ended with a fit of swearing (under my breath) and both of us walking down the hill.

* Trying to go to the bathroom with two kids and all our gear...let's just say it is a good morning if nothing falls in the toilet....enough said.

* Resisting all temptation to spray super hot hubby with snow when he has fallen. Especially when he got tangled up in the net like a fish...oh boy that was a tough one to resist but, resist I did...I decided to spray a stranger instead just to get it out of my system. I am far too nice when teaching someone how to ski to spray them with snow after they had fallen down. Oh I kid...well, kinda.

* Riding up on the chair lift with both girls and seeing their skis stick straight out since their legs are so short.

* Loving that both of my girls want to ski until the very end of the day regardless of the conditions...THAT is how I know I am raising kids that have the same love of skiing that I do.

Life is Too Short

2010-01-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

I attended a funeral for an 18 year old student that was gunned down in the prime of his life. It was a tough one....he was a good kid, came from a crappy home life but, was trying to make some positive changes in his life. I sat there staring at his casket thinking, "Why do things like this happen?" We all sit and wonder why...we never know the answer to that question...NEVER, even if we try to wrap our brains around the why's, the answer never comes. It is what it is (my new mantra) and life must go on. During the funeral, the minister mentioned that while the young man was dead and never coming back...the living must move on. We must live, in spite of the tragedies in our lives. We must live, in spite of the sadness we feel. We must live, in spite of our desire to curl up under the covers and hide. We must live. So, I chose to do just that...LIVE!!! I will enjoy the good things and learn from the bad. I will still complain...since that is just who I am, lucky you my fellow readers.

We All Know One

2010-01-26T18:30:00.000-08:00

Oh dear...we have all seen them...some have blogged about them...a few even know them. I am talking about the workout weirdos...the ones who for whatever reason choose to draw attention to themselves while engaging in some sort of exercise. There are those that sing to their tunes, those that talk to themselves, those that sweat profusely and then leave it on the machine for the next person to enjoy, they come in all shapes and models.

I received an e-mail from my dear friend SLAB and she told a story of a workout weirdo that she encountered at her gym recently. She and the rest of her family trek to the gym for a little family workout. She hops on the treadmill alongside a dashing and handsome man that just happens to be her husband. (Insert love song here) As they are running, staring longingly across the treadmills at each other envisioning running into each others arms...when what to her wondering eyes should occur? Here is how she tells the story:

So we are running on neighboring treadmills and he starts doing this crazy thing. He starts pumping his arms, then his knees start coming up all high as he gets going faster. Then - I'm not kidding here girls - he f*@^ing SNAPPED his fingers a couple of times and I could swear I heard some singing along. (I had my ipod on too, and I was trying my best to ignore it and pretend like I didn't know him). Then, THEN, he yelled out "come on!" and "push it!". OMG, I almost f*@^ing stuck my foot out and tripped him to end the embarrassment.

Mercifully, his run was finally over, and he was cooling down. I subtly slipped one earbud out and said to him "seriously? that was weird... and embarrassing. Warn me next time and I'll turn my music up." And he goes "was I being loud? I guess my music was up too high!" I shook my head and said - loudly- "whatever, I don't know you. I'm just offering you some friendly advice. Mellow it out."

Oh that SLAB...she kills me!!!

Tales of a Thespian

2010-01-20T15:29:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't know...thespian is an actor not to be confused with a lesbian which I am not, not that there is anything wrong with that. It will come as a great shock to many of you to hear that I have tried out for play. Yep, that is me...a counselor/mom/best wife ever/actress. Add that to my resume...I can only hope that James Cameron can come to my show and see my abilities and KNOW that he must have me for his upcoming blockbuster hit to star as Brad Pitt's mistress (well, Brad Pitt minus the weird beard he has right now). SIGH.

I got up the nerve to try out for a play which is weird since I was not into drama when I was a kid. I had one drama class in Jr. high that I loved but, I loved the teacher not the drama class. Needless to say, this is out of my comfort zone. I showed up to the auditions and was clearly the oldest one there by at least 2.3 years maybe even more. I was told to stand up and read lines for Mother Goose, Little Red Riding Hoods mom, and Mama Bear. Now, Mother Goose is sweet, lovely, delightful lady...much like me so I totally nailed that one. Now, Ma Hood was a bit more difficult. I was asked to read in my best southern accent to which I responded with...I don't even have a bad southern accent. Funny that I didn't get that part. I was notified that I was cast as Mother Goose and yes, I was totally offended since she is usually fat and old.

I had my first rehearsal and the director was saying that I was going to have a goose puppet throughout the show and I would be talking to the goose at times...say huh? As if this wasn't out of my comfort zone enough...now I was going to be talking to damn puppet? As I was reading the script she interrupted me and says.."oh ya, I forgot I killed the goose so, you won't have a puppet." THANK GOD...I was a bit worried I may look foolish.

Can't Think of a Title Since I Have Had a Beer Already

2010-01-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

First of all, you aren't going to believe this but, I am sitting at the airport getting all judgy on people who can't control their kids and scoping out who I do NOT want to sit by on my plane. Yep, that's right, another girlie adult trip down to Southern California. I can look around all scowling and be bothered by the mom in front of me with 3 kids that all have lollipops and need to get their shoes off and don't want to put their beloved stuffed giraffe on the belt to be scanned. Yep, I totally could do that but, I don't (well, kinda do but don't want to sound all mean and stuff) since I can so feel her pain.

On another note, I received a phone call from super hot hubby the other day while I was at work. It made me laugh to remember again exactly how differently we think. I answered the phone and he was clearly flustered as he called me by my name (he usually doesn't do that usually a term of endearment or maybe a bad name under his breath...oh I kid but, I would totally call me a bad name). He goes on to say..."There was an incident at (oldest daughters) school today." I say..."ok" and kinda freaking out but not really freaking out yet. Then he proceeds to tell me this story about a guy that was walking around the campus without his shirt on and the school went into lock down (I am thinkin...cool is he hot?). I say..."Ummm, ok...then what?" He goes on to say...well, he was escorted off campus and then later the kids were let out of lock down. I say..."Wait, did this guy take our daughter hostage or something?" Ummm, no? Why would you think that? Well, let's see...why would I think that? Maybe because my mom thought I was stuffed in the trunk of someone's car and this is where my thoughts go or maybe because you said an "incident" and I hardly define that as an incident. And he says I am the "dramatic" one....GEEZ!!

Island of the Misfits

2010-01-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

We had a New Years party at our house...not just any party...it was a Dick Clarks New Year's Rockin Eve party. On a side note, did anyone see Dick Clark on New Years Eve Oh Geez...isn't he married? Why is his wife not telling him nicely to hang up his New Years Eve Balls (hehehehe) and retire? If super hot hubby looked like that...I would be telling him straight up..."you had your day honey, make way for Ryan Seacrest." Don't get me wrong, I love Dick Clark but, at some point it is ok to say I am going to retire and head to Jamaica Mon'...just sayin' So, back to the party...we had a bash at our house with all the neighbors. Now from previous posts you understand that I LOVE our neighbors and they are a hoot to be around. We spend endless summer evenings busting out the safety cones in the cul-de-sac to ensure our children do not get run over by the 6 cars that reside in that cul-de-sac (I KNOW, right? We are good like that) all the while drinking way too much for a Tues night. My kind of peeps, no?

I was so excited when one of our neighbors talked super hot hubby into hosting the party at our house. I knew if I came to him, he would most likely say "HELL NO" but to her? He sweetly said..."ya, sounds fun." Come again? I jumped at the opportunity or his own insanity whichever the case may be to have the party. We had music, dancing (only the girls danced but, STILL), noise, drinks and mayhem. The kids were hopped on sugar for several hours breaking and throwing things and running and screaming through the house. One kid came in a mask that I swear was a Jonas brother but, apparently it was some young Luke Skywalker...it really freaked me out. Everyone stayed up until midnight to ring in the new year...then go home.

The next morning I spent about an hour putting things away and cleaning up the mess. Picking up beer bottles, recycling empty wine bottles, and putting the food away...ya, the next morning but whatever. I could not believe some of the things that were left behind from our guests. Some of them I am excited about since I still have them and I am hoping they forget about them. Others? I wondered how in the heck did they leave that?

As evidenced by the picture...I bring you the island of the misfit stuff...we have a new pot holder, a great Crate and Barrel platter, a baby blanket, some extra dishes, two coats and a pair of shoes. Now, the shoes??? I didn't get since all of the guests walked home. Hmmm...I believe we have a runner up for mom of the year!!! This is why we are friends.

Good Friends

2009-12-31T08:30:00.001-08:00

We all have them...good friends...people that shape who you are and people that bring out the best in you. I have a few good friends that I see occasionally and when I leave it makes me think "Why has it been six months since I last saw her?" I had dinner with such a friend last night. We ate at our usual restaurant, at the usual time and had many laughs and good conversations. She is someone that I met many years ago at work...I knew who she was and she had a cubicle on the other side of me. She was someone who kept to herself yet, was funny and smart and honest (she is getting a big head now reading this but, yes that is what I thought). She was somewhat like Queen Elizabeth of the office...well, without the jewels and the majesty part. I asked her several times to go to lunch with me and she always said "no, I brought my lunch but thanks." One day I asked her to lunch and she said..."you know, I really don't need any more friends." My response..."I am just asking you to go to lunch, not be friends." or something like that. She, of course, saw my magnetism and humor so she went to lunch with me that day and we have been friends ever since. I broke through....I made it to the inner circle.

We have realized we are somewhat of a "freak magnet"...whenever we get together, we have the strangest things happen to us. Last night, a highway patrol car ran over the curb right in front of us, we have had 5 semi nude young men come into the restaurant to ask a young lady to the ball, we have been approached by homeless people, to name just a few. We have often wondered why strange things happen to us when we get together. Last night I realized, if you are in the same place for 3 hours...strange things WILL happen, no matter who you are. There are that many weirdos out there.

Girls Ski Day

2009-12-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

I have an uncanny ability to find the humor in things that most others will find completely out of hand. The other day, I decided it would be a incredibly fun day to take the little ones skiing for the day. We live so close to some major ski slopes and what better way to spend the day with my two girls then skiing and enjoying the snow...hmm, well, a root canal would have been better at times. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time but, there were moments....OMG the moments when I thought of jumping off the chair lift.

We left early in the morning and I had perfectly timed it to get to the slopes just as they opened and we would, for sure, get the best parking spot around. If you are a regular follower of my blog, you know that this could not have happened because if it did, I wouldn't be writing about it.

My in laws have a cabin up in the mountains near the ski areas so, we usually leave our skis and equipment up there. The girls and I roll into the cabin around 8:30 (slopes open at 9:00 perfectly timed...right?) to pick up the skis...only we can't find the boots. Skis...check, poles...check, goggles...got 'em, boots...Oh CRAP!!! We spend about 45 minutes looking for the boots and calling anyone who may know where they were. After a frenzied search party that may or may not have involved a few tears, we found the boots in a closet that I vaguely remember putting them in during the summer. We headed up to the slopes for our fun filled day.

We had never been to this particular ski resort before...mistake #1. We had to ride a gondola to actually get to the slopes...mistake #2. Having two kids by myself and thinking I could handle it...mistake #3. We take the gondola over to the village and I thought the kids would love this part...not so much. They freaked out on the way over there. When we got settled into the village and found our way to the ticket booth (carrying all our gear I might add along with a few choice words under my breath) we finally paid our obscene amount of money to hit the slopes at 10:42 AM...Yep, we already missed an hour and 42 minutes of skiing!!! Of course, my thought is...well, that is $22.14 that I can't get back. Then I realized the amount of money spent for a day of skiing minus the hour and 42 minutes was made up for in those wonderful memories that we just created on the gondola and the searching and the aimlessly walking around. GREAT!!

Very first chair lift ride, both kids get off too early and end up ducking under the chair in order to NOT be hit in the head by it. Second chair lift ride, my youngest got off and ran into a trash can. Oh , I knew this would be a wonderful day. Lunch was back in the car so that meant another gondola ride just to eat our lunch. Oh the joy of that again!!! Not to mention the many, many gear malfunctions that included goggles, helmets, gloves, harness and poles and YES we had an issue with each of those things. This was shaping up to be a great day...don't you think? I was told that the goggles were "actually hurting my brain" by my youngest daughter. And I cannot forget the fact that as "mom of the year" I MAY have misplaced my oldest daughter at one point during the day. In my defense, she is so freakin fast on the slopes and she ended up getting too far in front of her sister and I and I was glad to find her waiting at the bottom of the hill and not over the edge as I thought she may have gone.

The amount of money I spent on this day and the amount of tears all became worth it as we were exiting the gondola for the 4th time that day and both of my kids refused to carry their gear. My youngest had all she could handle in carrying her gloves and my oldest thought it wasn't fair that she had to carry her skis and poles when her sister did not. My response? Exactly as my parents used to say..."This is part of skiing, if you don't carry your gear, you don't go." That moment was PRICELESS!!!

Things I LOVE or HATE About Christmas...You Decide.

2009-12-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

I LOVE (or hate) the holiday season...

10. Christmas Cookies

9. Wrapping presents until my neck hurts.

8. Christmas cards

7. Shopping

6. Having 2 weeks off of work

5. The decorations

4. The music

3. My family

2. The hand knitted stockings hung by the fire.

1. My youngest daughter commenting on the neighbors big balls (hanging from the tree but, whatever...)

Now, you must figure out which things on this list I truly love (if there are any) and which ones I hate. FYI - a lot of these can go either way depending on my f'in Christmas spirit that day....just sayin.

My Quirks

2009-12-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

We all have them....I try to embrace them but, usually end up having a panic attack about them.

1. I HATE anything that when I eat it, my hands turn a different color. Doritos and Cheetos are the things I loathe the most. I am so tired of having orange hand prints on my ass from little kids having dirty hands from lunch and then hugging me. This came from the elementary school I used to work at since my kids are NEVER allowed to eat those things in my presence. OMG...when they lick all that cheese like substance off their hands...GAG!!!

2. I must get out of bed either on a time ending in a zero or a five...I can't get up at 6:12...must wait until 6:15. Why? I have absolutely no idea...

3. I like to make lists....several lists....my lists have lists...and I LOVE crossing things off my lists and when I get down to a few things...I make a brand new list. Apparently, I spend my free time fantasizing about lists. If you haven't noticed, THIS is a list and if anyone was to look at my ipod touch...you would find (at least) five lists at any given time.

4. I have very serious shoe issues. This is not a joke, it really is a sickness. I am CONSTANTLY losing my shoes or just one shoe to be exact. I don't understand how I lose one shoe. For the record, I have two feet so how one shoe disappears? I have no clue. I spend at least 2 mornings a week in a frenzy looking for my shoes. Now, one would think that I might find them the night before? Oh no...that has never happened and I don't see it happening tomorrow (unless I put that on my list of things to do).

5. It is physically impossible for me to make my coffee the night before. My coffee pot doesn't have a timer on it but, I could at least make it and then just flip the switch in the morning...but, NOOOOO, for some reason I can't do it. I think about it but, never do it. I think it would be great to do and how nice that would be but, I think I hope every single night that there is truly a coffee fairy or some sort of fairy (oh I don't know....a little gay guy?) that will do it for me.

6. I am a night owl that desperately wants to be a morning person. I have not been able to be successful at waking up early for several days in a row (three is my limit). I really wish my body would wake up on it's own at 5:30 AM refreshed and energized but, I guess I would need to go to bed by 9:00 PM to do that.

7. I have a freakishly weird obsession with hoodies and Converse tennis shoes. I would wear them every single day if I could....and really? I can, so I do.

So, tell me..what is a quirk that you have? Come on...We are all friends here.

ACK!!!! The Gak...

2009-12-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

Now I have been ever so busy working on my "Mom of the Year" award. I am trying hard to be super cool, fun, and great...It isn't so hard to do right now since my kids are still so little but, it is exhausting.

When my 4 year old came to me with some Halloween "Gak" and wanted to play with it, my response was..."Of course, looks like fun." Note to self: Gak sucks. This is what I learned for the 10 minutes that my child played with Gak:

1. Gak really sucks.

2. When left unattended...Gak and child CAN become messy

3. Gak is somewhat easy to clean up.

4. Gak must be cleaned up otherwise this happens (please don't judge at how messy our dining room table is or the scraps of food on the floor...you should be looking at the Gak. It actually took me about 30 minutes to even notice the gak but, whatever).

5. Gak looks fun but, it, most certainly, sucks.

6. An older sister can really influence a younger sister to do things that she is not supposed to do (like...oh I don't know...stick the entire bag of gak on your head just to see what happens).

7. Gak CAN be fun except when it is stuck in a 4 year old's hair...then it is a pain in the ass!!!

8. Washing gak out of a 4 year olds hair is no picnic...you must pull on the gak to get it out, all the while, being careful to not pull out her hair (when angry..this is a bit difficult to do.)

9. Adult supervision is required with Gak!!!! DAMN IT...no more Gak. The last thing I want to do is be responsible to supervise my children!!!

10. I am well on my way to being Mother of the Year.

Freakin' Barbie Has Everything....

2009-12-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

Black Friday isn't for everyone...we all know this. It takes a certain kind of person to brave the stores to save some money. I go every year with my sister and her friend and we make it such an adventure.

This shopping trip, we were walking through Target...when what to my wondering eyes appeared out of nowhere??? A Barbie Townhouse. You know the one....that had an elevator and three stories because Barbie clearly could not walk up three flights of stairs. It was pink and lovely and girly and pretty and pink (did I already say that?).

My sister was a Barbie fanatic. She owned every piece of Barbie accessory ever invented. She had the boat, the pool, the car, the RV, the plane, clothes galore, and the coveted townhouse. She would spend hours with her friends playing Barbie's, all the while, I was only allowed to sit and watch when her friends were over. Now, my sister would deny this piece of information as her recollection of us as children is that she was so sweet and nice to me all the time. When they would leave, she would let me play with her Barbie stash but, NEVER was I able to be Barbie...I was always Ken or Skipper or Tiffany or some other lame ass Barbie friend. Again, she would deny this as well. My sister and I were not the best of friends when I was a kid so, we would spend our play time usually yelling at each other or me tattling on her but, during the Barbie time....we would get along. When I saw that Townhouse in Target it almost brought tears to my eyes. Then my sister reminded me that she never allowed me to use the elevator in the townhouse and it made me laugh. What she didn't know was that whenever she wasn't home, I would help myself to that Barbie stash and sometimes, Barbie and Ken even made out in the elevator...How do you like that sis? I made Barbie slutty.

More Than The Leaves Are Changing....

2009-11-27T15:13:00.000-08:00

This has been a fabulous week with my family. I have enjoyed spending time with my nieces and nephew and spoiling them rotten, I have loved spending time with my sister and shopping on Black Friday with her (I would NEVER shop on Black Friday with anyone else), I have enjoyed my free time and spending time with SB at an extended dinner filled with beer and tears.

I am looking forward to getting back home, sleeping in my own bed and getting back into our routine. We have spent the last week opening presents, eating sugary cereal, laughing and loving on the kids. All of that was fun but I must say, I am somewhat ready for a change. I am ready for the change of seasons, I am ready for the change of weather and I am ready for a change of attitude. On this trip, I have realized that I have become a bitter and complainy type person. This is going to change. I am going to regain my half full attitude if it is the last thing I do. I have become so accustomed to the negativity that I don't know how to respond anymore to a positive. I have realized that friendships change, marriages change, and relationships change...and people need to change with you or they sometimes get left behind. While this makes me sad, it is what it is.

Aren't You Supposed To Relax On Vacation?

2009-11-23T20:34:00.000-08:00

These are things I have been heard saying in the last 24 hours since my family has joined me here in this beautiful coastal town:

1. I am not speaking to you anymore.

2. You girls better stop ringing that doorbell.

3. Wait...how exactly did our daughter ride her bike off a cliff?

4. Do you really think it is a good idea to allow a 7 year old to drive a golf cart?

5. OH MY GOD...STOP RINGING THAT DAMN DOORBELL!!

6. Mom, do you really think that aliens or the CIA are tapping into your cell phone?

7. Wow, Mom, you really do think that aliens or the CIA are tapping into your cell phone...my bad...ya, I am sure they are too.

8. No, I am not kidding, I am not speaking to you right now.

9. How exactly did you forget to bring my hairdryer? The one thing I asked you to bring and you forgot it...how does that happen?

10. Daddy, mommy wants me to tell you again she is not speaking to you. Apparently, you don't seem to understand.

11. It isn't polite to burp in public...it really isn't.

12. Yes, I did actually need this new hoodie that I bought today.

13. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD....STOP RINGING THAT F#$*ing DOORBELL!!!

I was so excited for them to get here but, now I realize life was grand for those 48 hours that I was alone. I will hold on to those memories and cherish them forever...who knows when that will happen again.

PS...The doorbell is fascinating to my kids because it is connected to the outside gate and you have to buzz the visitor in. They spend countless hours ringing it and deciding if they want to buzz the other one in...such joy!!!

I Can't Believe I Am Saying This...

2009-11-22T12:55:00.000-08:00

It has been 48 hours of no kids and no husband. I would like to say that I have spent the time doing all the things I desperately wish I had time to do but, with snotty nosed kids around I just don't have the time or energy to do. I find it difficult to get all dolled up and go out on the town these days and think I am considered dressed up if I am wearing shoes other than Converse tennis shoes and a hoodie. I would like to report to all of you that I have spent my time getting together over 2 hour lunches with my frinends SB and Slab, getting pedicures, and staying up late only to sleep in the next morning.

Unfortunately, I won't paint such a pretty picture since I have been spending my time watching crappy tv that super hot hubby would roll his eyes at when I watch it. I considered going out to the local tavern last night but, really...just thought it was too much work for a beer that I can drink from the fridge. I have spent my time eating frozen meals...and I am including ice cream as a meal. I did, in fact run this morning...but, as I was running down Main Street I ended up doing some shopping instead. So, running turned into walking turned into trying on hoodies. Oh geez, I have got to the point where I miss the kids smiles, I miss super hot hubby cooking for me, I miss the noise...I hope they get here soon.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

2009-11-20T17:26:00.000-08:00

Wait...do you hear that? I hear a child crying (screaming actually) and it isn't mine. That is bliss!!! I can look at that mom in pure disgust that she can't get her kid to stop throwing a fit. I can be THAT person right now. I am headed to the airport bar for some overpriced beer and mysterious business men.

I'm So EXCITED...and I just Can't Hide It!!!!

2009-11-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

I am so excited...wanna know why? I am headed to beautiful Southern California for a few days to give thanks and spend the holidays with my family. Oh ya....did I mention that I am flying BY MYSELF and staying BY MYSELF in a small beach town for two nights? Did I mention that part...ya, that is where my excitement comes from. Don't get me wrong, family trips are great. Driving for long distances in the car with super hot hubby at the wheel going (at top speed) 62 miles per hour, stopping at some seedy, gross gas stations along the way since the kids can't hold it anymore, eating at the local AM/PM for lunch...sounds fun, right? Any of you who have shared a 747 with me and the kids have experienced the endless picking up of crayons, spilling of drinks, kicking the seat in front of us, constant apologies to everyone on the plane and the trying to get all three of us in the bathroom by the cockpit. Do you know that FAA regulations REQUIRE you to close the restroom door by the cockpit? Doesn't matter that there are two kids in there with me....one of which must stand on top of the toilet to flush while the other is sitting on the sink counter. It is REQUIRED!!!!

This time, I am flying...all alone, could care less about getting to the airport early enough but not too early...hell, I would go right now if I could. I am going to grab the latest People magazine and see if I can hold out until I get on the plane to open it. I am betting on "no" but, I will try. I am going to browse through the sky mall magazine and think about ordering a wine chiller or a new hammock for the back yard. I will order a drink on the plane...maybe...the possibilities are endless. At this point, the only thing that can ruin this flight is 1) Sitting in front of a child who endlessly kicks my seat (basically a kid just like mine) or 2) Sitting next to a person that really should have got two seats...I don't like it when someone spills over into my seat. I am thinking that even those things won't ruin my flight...I may just need a few drinks instead of one.

Facebook Faux Pas

2009-11-11T20:56:00.000-08:00

I had the most unbelievable chat with my high school friend...shout out to SLAB and her big 80's hair. I am still stunned and in shock by what took place. We all know, that chatting via facebook is fun but can sometimes get out of hand. You begin typing so fast and you hit return and think "CRAP...did I just do that?"

SLAB was chatting on the good book with a friend from high school when her cousin began to hit her up with chatting. Poor, sweet SLAB engages in conversations of rapid fire from both of them. Her cousin busts out with "You know I have always had a crush on you." AND "Maybe I will come out to (insert SLAB'S state here) and we'll explore the 2nd cousin thing." OMG...WHAT???? Now, I just want to be clear...this is a second cousin from another state but, I am pretty sure that "cousin love" of any kind is considered weird in at least 48 out of the 50 states...am I wrong?

So, she did what any self respecting girl would do....(vomit a bit) she booked it out of there as fast as she could. Close chat and log off. A few days later, SLAB is on the good book and he is on as well. He hits her up pretty quick and wants to know "Did I cross a line?" Ummmm, Ya think? HELL YES YOU DID YOU FREAK!!!! In his defense, he did apologize...sweet, what a gentleman. What I can't understand is why not say "oh geez, I was so drunk (even if you weren't) did we chat last night on facebook?" I mean, come on!!! I wonder how the next family function will go.

Apology Letter

2009-11-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Dad,

I am so sorry for eating your entire tub of chocolate chip cookie dough and not baking a single cookie. That is right dad...not a single baked cookie. You should never leave me alone with a giant tub of cookie dough. No good comes of that!!! Seriously...

From,

Your loving daughter

The Day After Halloween....

2009-11-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

Always a good day around our house. The kids like to trade candy and they get along pretty well since we threaten to take all the candy away if they argue. This is never a good time for me to be alone in my own house. I shamelessly raid their candy bags and don't feel the least bit bad about it. I absolutely know that all of you do the same...fess up!!! I am feeling much better now since I have been eating my dad's cookie dough that he bought from us for a soccer fundraiser and we have been housing it in our freezer for the past month. About a week ago, I decided I could listen to the cookie dough calling me NO MORE!! I busted into that tub and I have been eating it like ice cream. So, now I have my kids candy AND my dad's cookie dough that I can eat like ice cream...SCORE!!! I only have so much self control...Give me a break here, people!

Red Ribbon Week

2009-10-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

This week is the dreaded and infamous Red Ribbon Week at my oldest daughters school. I have no issue with this week and find it to be kind of helpful for older kids but, in Kindergarten she came home and asked me about drugs. Could have been a good conversation, but she was 5 and how in depth do you go with a 5 year old?

"Mommy, what are drugs?"

"Well, honey, drugs can be smoking or alcohol or some other things you smoke and some people take medicine that is from a Dr. but, they don't take it right."

"But, mommy, you drink beer and you have medicine from a dr."

"hmmm, yes I do but, I am an adult and I am allowed to do that and I take my medicine as it is prescribed to me."

"Then why are you saying that alcohol is a drug but, it is ok to drink it and what does purstripe mean?"

"Don't you have homework to do?"

"No."

"Do you want to watch a tv show?"

"YES."

Great...problem was solved. I am good like that.

Now she is in second grade and one of her assignments was to write a note to a parent at home. Why? I have no idea but, I found a note on my book by my bed last night and opened it up. It was so sweet. She wrote.."Daddy, I love you. You are the best daddy. I love you. Happy Red Ribbon week." There were hearts and ribbons all over the note. I thought it was so sweet even though it was to super hot hubby instead of me. Then when I got into bed...I noticed that there was a note under my pillow. I thought she had made me an equally sappy and loving note telling me of all my wonderfulness and greatness. Instead she just wrote..."Drug Free" I am so NOT feelin' the love!!!

A Little Going Away Present

2009-10-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

I have left my elementary school and moved on to the middle and high school. It has been a difficult transition but, one that I am ready for. On my last day at the elementary school, I was anxious and sad about what the day would entail. How do I tell the kids good bye? How do I say good bye to my friends that work here? I couldn't possibly hug all these kids yet I wanted to. I was a hot buttered mess all day long. Lots of tears and I had one kid say to me..."What am I doing to do without you here, you make me so happy." This melted my heart.

It wasn't until a few days later (4 to be exact) that I received my going away present. I have worked there for 9 years and while I think a plant that I could have killed in two weeks would have been sufficient a card even...instead? I contracted ringworm. EWWWWWW!!!! I feel so hideous. Best part, is that it is on my neck and all the older kids are asking me if it is a hickey. I can hear it now..."Hey, did you meet that new counselor...the one with the hickey?" Ya, that's nice...thanks to the kid who gave me ring worm for helping make my transition so smooth.

Does Stuff Like This Happen To Everyone...or Just Me?

2009-10-21T18:01:00.001-07:00

I went for a run tonight and I have not gone in a long time...10 days to be exact. I was feeling pretty good and thinking "wow, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be." I am listening to my ipod and trying to stay in step with the tunes...Black Eyed Peas, Taylor Swift, Guns n Roses. As I came around the corner there was a man cleaning out some sort of filter with a hose. As I am approaching he begins to act as though he is going to tackle me when I try to pass him. I think he is being funny and I joke back with him at which point I realize he has a hose in his hand. I ask him jokingly not to squirt me and his response is "If I did, would you spank me?" Now, my response would have been a resounding HECK YA, if he had six pack abs or looked remotely like David Beckham minus all the tattoos. Instead, he was about 75 years old and I didn't want to even see his abs and he looked nothing like David Beckham with or without the tattoos. So, I just said..."umm, no I would not spank you for any reason" and then ran really fast.

I Just Realized...

2009-10-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

I was thinking yesterday about how I am starting a new job this week and kinda freakin out about it. I am ready for a change but, big kids scare me and I don't know what to do with them. The little one's...I can get down to their level and talk to them, I can give them a hug and make things all better, I can play a game with them or kick their ass at Wii. Now, I will never win at Wii again. This made me sad. I did have a moment of clarity and realized that since I will be between two schools throughout my week....I just doubled my wardrobe. SCORE!!! Now, no one will know if I already wore that hoodie on Tuesday and it is now Thursday. This made things a heck of a lot easier.

Need I Say More?

2009-10-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

My mom has joined The Good Book...Facebook. I KNOW!!!! She has no idea what she is doing on there and clearly does not see the loveliness of it all but, she is trying to be one of "us". I will defriend her if she doesn't, at the very least, post a profile picture.

Change is in the air...

2009-10-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

I swear, just when I think I have things figured out...I get a wrench thrown in my direction. I have applied, interviewed and accepted a position at the Jr. High and High School in my district. I am so excited but, fear that the change will be a lot for me right now. While I feel I am ready for this change, it is with great reservation that I leave my current school. I feel like a rock star when I walk through these halls. Kids are constantly hugging me, talking to me, excited to see me and I love that. I NEED that. I worry about the amount of attention that I need from people in general...at home, at work, on my blog in the form of comments which I love (wink wink). This thought has seeped into my home life. Do I expect too much? Are my expectations realistic of my kids? Of super hot hubby? Of me? I don't know....but, I do know it seems impossible to meet everyone's needs these days. I cannot possibly be the friend I need to be, the wife I need to be, the mom I need to be, the counselor I need to be and still live a somewhat normal life...something has got to give here people. Unfortunately, it has been my blog. From here on out I am going to say "screw the rest of the people" and focus on my blog. "I do solemnly swear, to give my blog the attention it so deserves." AMEN!!!!

Skype

2009-10-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about this post for quite some time...just trying to figure out how to get it just right so that you all can understand the things I have to endure when it comes to my mom. Her and I have found Skype the web cam type chat thingy? Ya, that one. She thought it would be great so that she can see the kids since she is far away and misses seeing their little faces. We have tried to Skype several times and quite frankly, I am done with it. It is so annoying to me. Out of a 45 minute conversation, we spend 35 trying to get it working so that she can see us and we can see her and hear her. It is ridiculous. The first 10 minutes of the conversation are as follows:

"Can you see me?"

"Yes, mom we can see you."

"Why can't I see you?"

"Umm, I don't know mom."

"What do I need to push to see you?"

This goes on for quite some time and as she is talking we are able to see her face feverishly looking for the correct button to click on so that she can see us. This always makes me laugh...she just searches and searches and the truth is she probably has it written down on some post it note that is right on her screen on her computer.

Once we get it up and running...we are able to chat back and forth. She will always ask if we want to see the dog..why? not sure but, she will hold the dog up for us to see and the girls like to talk to the dog. Who knew that Skype would be for talking to a dog? For some reason that she cannot figure out, her computer will freeze her face in some very precarious positions. She will be mid laugh and it will freeze for 20 or so seconds. We find great humor in this part.

Now, my super hot hubby just will Skype her and I will be in the background not paying a bit of attention. She will see me in the kitchen doing dishes and say.."Hey, why isn't she over here talking to me?" I try to hide behind the island in the kitchen but, super hot hubby will usually sell me out and say something like "I am not sure why she doesn't want to talk to you." He is just nice like that.

A Moment of Silence, Please...

2009-09-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

I came home from work on Thursday and looked inside my mail box hoping to see some hot celebrity staring back at me. For those of you that follow my blog, you know that I am a regular reader of People magazine. I love everything about that magazine. I love the pictures, I love the articles, I love that they put celebrities in a positive light, they don't ever do pics about "botched boob jobs" or "whose giant ass is this?" So, much to my delight when I pull into the garage, I usually see two beautiful eyes staring back at me and I think for a second...Hmmm, I wonder is it Patrick Swayze or Kate Gosselin?

As I pulled in this last week and looked over to notice that no one was staring at me...I felt lonely. I then investigated my mail box a bit further to see a notice that my subscription had expired. It was a very sad day and I have been mourning this loss for a few days now. Please join me in a moment of silence at this time to remember...remember the lovely pictures, the wonderful articles, the crossword puzzle and the two beautiful eyes staring at me every Thursday.

Out of the Mouths of Babes....and Adults

2009-09-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the things people say amazes me. You would think by now, I would not be surprised anymore but, each time I am still shocked. Nowadays, it isn't just work things anymore....I am hearing more and more good stuff out of the mouths of my own children, myself, adults...

By my kids:

My youngest daughter has quite the personality and it exudes from her tiny body in a big way. My neighbors 7 year old boy was joking around and saying "Ouch I have a cramp near my nuts." My daughters response was...."Ya, that happens to me all the time." Huh? OK...interesting.

She decided to tell me one day that she has made a decision..."Mommy, I am not going to say please anymore." My response was, "OK" she reiterates with "No, I mean never!" How much energy and time does it take to say please? Apparently too much for a 4 year old...they are so busy, you know.

My youngest quoted me one time at the grocery store and decided to tell my oldest daughter to quit the sassiness but, instead it came out "Hey, your ass better not come out of your mouth." Wait...what did I just hear? I guess that isn't effective to say "that sass better not come out of your mouth anymore." Clearly, not the meaning I was going for.

By an adult:

While at the cabin, we were playing at the beach in the sand and the kids had made a giant hole in the sand. A friends boy was upset since my daughter was messing up his hole. So, I shout across the beach "Get out of his hole!" Ouch...that made me sound a bit Clampet like.

At work:

After every single recess, the yard duty tells the kids to "Grab your balls and put them on the ball cart." Oh dear, we all know this causes me to snicker...

I was looking at a referral for a 4th grade student brought into the office. I was reading what he actually did and I could not deal with his behavior. The referral said..."student called the teacher Mrs. fucking camel toe." Huh? What? How? I just could not get any words out that would be helpful, so I just passed it on...

What I Have Learned.

2009-09-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Super hot hubby and I are celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary last week...can I get a woot woot?!?!!!! When two people decide to enter into a marriage, their thoughts are blissful and loving. Check back 10 years later and see how that is working for them. So, I am going to preach to you....I mean tell you, all the things I have learned in my ten glorious years. Please, learn from my mistakes as it is time consuming and energy draining to keep doing the same annoying thing over and over again.

1. When super hot hubby is doing a "project" in the (insert any location here...i.e, garage, yard, kitchen, under the car etc.) and you hear a very loud crash followed by some screaming obscenities...please, don't go rushing out there to see how you can help. This only angers the beast. You must just sit back and go against everything your mind is telling you to do and wait...wait for him to come to you and say..."I think I cut my finger off, can you take me to the hospital?"

2. Don't ever think for one second that he knows what to say in any given situation. I found myself thinking "If he really knew me, he would know I got my hair cut today and it looks fabulous and he hasn't even noticed or commented on it and it really doesn't help to catch him staring at that girls ass." He really doesn't know...no, seriously, he doesn't. After 10 years, I have resigned to the fact that he does not know and I must tell him what to say.

3. Which brings me to my next point, Don't think that because you tell him what to say it means any less. Super hot hubby really does think my ass looks great in my jeans, he just doesn't see the need to tell me 1,000 times...I mean, same jeans and same ass...why go over this again? is his thought process.

4. Be up front about your "moods". I will fire a "warning shot" when my mood is going south just to let him know. Now, he doesn't always hear the warning shot, in fact, he rarely does but, this is not my fault. I do my best to let him know that it is ok and actually preferred to stay away but, not too far away and to not talk to me but, talk to me all time and to compliment me lots but, not too much...

5. When I am craving and wanting something specific that is not organic or "good for me"...I must go get it myself. Don't ever send super hot hubby to the store to get me a malt balls crushed up in a tub of ice cream or send him to Marbucks for one of their donuts...if I need something specific...I must get it myself.

6. Do not resort to whining, crying, begging, sexual favors, or anything of the sort when you want an iphone and super hot hubby says "seems unnecessary to me." This gets you no where...I mean NO WHERE!!! In fact, I would say it even went in the other direction...so, super hot hubby most likely isn't reading this and if he is...stop reading right now but, forgiveness is easier than permission sometimes. I'm just sayin'...notice though that I still don't have my beloved iphone and have settled for an ipod touch. Same but, different.

7. Life is never fair. This is something I say frequently to my kids and I need gentle reminders every once in a while that this applies to me as well. Life is not fair when I am taking the kids to soccer practice and working and signing off homework and doing homework and simply running amuck yet, super hot hubby is asleep on the couch...Life just isn't fair sometimes.

8. Compromise is key...We need groceries to feed the children and he wants a new running shirt so we go to REI and get him a new running shirt and couple of Cliff Bars for the kids. See??? Everyone is happy and we met in the middle, Compromise...

9. Provide him with two delightful children so that he cannot leave as easily as he once thought he could. When those two delightful children act out and he gets angry with them...gently remind him that it was his sperm that created those little buggers and that you spent countless hours in agony and pain trying to get those demons out of your body through a hole that is not pleasant or fun to stretch that much. That usually shuts him up pretty quick.

10. Love him everyday...even when he gets on your nerves.

19...and Counting

2009-09-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

19 scoops of ice cream? 19 spiders found in my bathtub in one year? 19 times that my youngest child drives me crazy in a 24 hour period? 19 trips to soccer practice in one week? NOPE...none of those. I heard today through my new People app on my Ipod Touch (a whole 'nother post on how that came about) that the Duggars family is pregnant again and that will make 19 kids. How can this be? Well, I understand how it could be but, who in their right mind would want to do this? I only have two of them and I feel outnumbered five out of seven days a week. Now, I am a mom with a lot of love to give my kids. I go to soccer games, I make matching hair rubber bands for their whole team, I tuck them in at night, I kiss them, I try not to scream at them (I said TRY), I let them eat ice cream and popsicles just because and I just can't even imagine how much my kids would lack from me having 17 more kids. 17!!! Let alone how my uterus or my body alone would take it. One of my friends referred to her as a clown car...you just never know how many are going to come out of there and I could not agree more. By the 6th, those babies must just be flying out of her into a basket across the room...kinda like when you try to make a basket with a wadded up piece of paper from across the room. I would even imagine that they have the basket strategically located so that no one even needs to catch the baby. Now, I am not being all "judgy" on this family...I just know that my plate is full with my two, thank you very much.

Writer's Block

2009-08-30T22:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you have nothing to say but, you need to put it out there that you have nothing to say so that people don't think you are dead or something...I know, makes no sense right? Well, I have nothing to say and for the record, I am not dead, I have not lost an appendage, nor am I stuffed in the trunk of someone's car. I have been racking my brain for the last two days trying to find something witty, something funny, something touching, just something..and I can't come up with anything. So, until something post worthy comes to mind...this will have to do.

It's Not About the Bike

2009-08-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last 2 weeks either with house guests or being a house guest. Here I sit, alone, with my computer wondering where the heck did the summer go? It is done already? Kids begin school tomorrow so it is back to the grind. Back to the craziness of a work day. Back to rushing out the door and stuffing my face on the way. Back to, at least, two return trips through the door because I forgot something. Back to countless mornings of "Where is my freakin' shoe?".

My mom has been up helping us out with the kids for the last week. Nothing too surprising happened (if you can believe that). There was no scene at a restaurant because she thought someone cut in line. There was no moment of panic when she heard a strange noise...oh wait yes, there was and it turned out to be the cat. It was uneventful in my "mom standards". I will either have to make one up or write about something that has already happened....hmmm...I think I will tell you a true story...shocking and TRUE!!

My mom loves to ride her bike. She is all about the bike these days. One summer prior to me having kids, my mom came up for a visit and brought her bike because she wanted to do some trail riding. I obliged and took her along the bike trail for a nice ride on a Sunday afternoon. We were riding along the paved road but, she wanted to go "off roading" so, I oblige and follow her off on the trails. After about three seconds on this trail she decides this isn't a good idea so we turn around and head back to the paved road. As we were just about to get moving on the right track she says...."Uh oh, I just hurt my back." I am all..."huh? What? How can that be? You were just standing there." I guess she moved her foot or something and wrenched her back. Me being the wonderful daughter that I am...began to laugh. In my defense, I totally thought she was kidding. I helped her over to the side of the road and lay her down on the grassy area. What to do? I have no idea...I look around and see a call box...crazy I know but, I pick it up and begin to tell the operator what has happened.

"Hello?"

"yes, ma'am do you have an emergency?"

"Well, I guess...my mom hurt her back and she can't move."

"How did she hurt her back?"

"hmmm, good question...I have no idea...moving her toe?"

Meanwhile, my mom is SCREAMING at me from across the trail to tell her that it really hurts but, all she needs is a ride home. She absolutely expected me to tell her that she needed a ride home. Not kidding.

"Umm, ma'am? Did your mom hit her head?"

"Oh no, no, no...she is always like this...isn't she a peach?"

My mom screams again..." I can hear you!!!"

"Ma'am what would you like me to do with your mom?"

"Wow that is a loaded question...but, I bet you mean right now in regards to her back? well, can you send out someone to help her get up or something...I have no idea."

"OK we are sending someone out right now."

5 minutes later a gigantic hook and ladder fire truck comes cruisin' down the bike trail. Siren blaring cuz you know, have to make sure they are seen and all. It was an absolute scene...Oh did I mention that a Dr. stopped to help her but, when my mom found out that her specialty was OB/GYN, my mom freaked out and told her "I don't need help down there." The firefighters were nice as could be and just wanted to help the best they could. They have a protocol to follow and when they started putting on the gloves to check my mom out, she responded with "What are you doing? I don't have any diseases." Right, because that is how normal people who don't do drugs respond in such a situation. The fireman asks her to take off her glasses so he can see her eyes. Again she responds with "I don't do drugs and I don't have any diseases." At this point, I want to ride away and completely act like I have no idea who she is. But, I can't...I just keep shrugging my shoulders and acting as if maybe she did hit her head.

After about 20 minutes, the park ranger comes and takes me back to my car while the fire dept waits with my mom. I have to go and pick up the car and then come and get her. We all help her into the car and drive off into the sunset. For the rest of her trip all she could do was sit and watch movies. It was HER idea to go to the movie theatre and sneak into two movies...ya know, because she couldn't do anything else so I am sure they would understand.

It's a Small World After All

2009-08-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't had this blog for a really long time and I don't have a whole bunch of followers (the ones I have, I love to the end of time) and I never in a million years thought that by post 111 everything would come full circle in blog land. Most of my followers are friends of friends of friends and a few people that have stumbled upon my blog through comments or coincidence. I read blogs where there are 1000+ followers and how the blog author will be out and someone will recognize them from a picture or something and comment on how much they love it. You all have paparazzi in blog land you just don't really know it.

"The good book" (Facebook) has connected me with people from my past and I LOVE IT! Chatting with people I haven't seen or talked to in years has been fun to say the least. Imagine my surprise at the 20 year high school reunion to connect even more with people and begin to put a real life face with a name and a memory. After attending the "train wreck 101" (see the reunion post), I drove home..back to reality...back to my life here of wiping noses and tushies and turning into Cybil in 2.2 seconds. Life is good!!!

I was on my computer one night looking at "The Good Book" and a friend I have known since Kindergarten was on so I began an IM conversation. We were chatting and laughing about the reunion and just the ridiculous behavior that we hope to never see again. I mentioned that I wrote a blog about it and he requested the link. I, of course, put him through the oath of not revealing my true identity and if he did...well, nothing would happen but, I would be really mad. He agreed and I sent the link. Within 2 seconds he responds with "OMG...I can't believe this." He has been following my blog and had no idea it was me. We freaked out and I was trying to figure out how he found it in the first place and we freaked out again. It is such a small world after all!!!

Life's (HARD) Lessons

2009-08-16T22:12:00.001-07:00

Upon returning from my 20th high school reunion, I have been reflecting on the night. In the years since exiting high school, I think I have learned some good life lessons...some of them through trial and error and others just from observations and a few were just common sense.

Here is what I took away from the night:

1. You want to look smokin' hot because there are those that age well and those that do not...you want to be in the category of age well.

2. Get a room in the hotel or one within walking distance and DO NOT tell anyone your room number. Seriously, people will show up at your door before and after the party for a place to crash or drink some more.

3. Wear Spanx...it just looks better.

4. Browse your yearbooks prior to getting to the reunion. There will be many people that you will see that you will recognize their face but, not know their name. All will be wearing a name tag and it is just embarrassing to stare at someone's chest to see who they are.

5. Limit your alcohol intake on the afternoon and the night of the reunion. This is a big one!!! If you want people to think you have matured since high school...maybe, just maybe, you should act mature. I'm just sayin...

6. Have your attire pre checked by anyone that can see. Let's just say that a wife beater t-shirt is not appropriate for the reunion...especially if you have some sort of glandular issue that makes you sweat profusely. And for the women, there is never a time that would be appropriate to remove any layer of clothing.

7. When the music stops and the DJ leaves the building...this signals the end of the dancing portion of the night. There should not be anyone dancing to the songs in their head or to songs that no one else can hear.

8. Please refrain from trying to kiss a married woman...especially if you yourself are married. You would think this would be a given but, apparently it needs to be said.

9. When every ounce of your being is telling you to look away from the head cheerleader trying to do a cheer at the end of the night, you really should look away. It is an image that I will never forget and will, most likely haunt me to the day I die.

10. Some people just never change...sometimes that can be good and sometimes it can be bad...very, very bad!!!

Reunion

2009-08-13T18:50:00.000-07:00

I am down in the OC, counting the hours to my 20 year high school reunion. I am so excited I will probably piddle but, I don't care since I am getting older and have two kids and that is just what happens sometimes...I'm just sayin'. If you are doing the math right now, I graduated in the 80's..the time of hair that needed a half bottle of hair spray to keep in place, most likely permed or crimped, senior pictures had some sort of shawl or wrap that they draped over you, and some of the best music EVER!!!

My memories of high school are vague but, great (what I remember anyway). I loved the prom, football games, spirit clubs, yearbooks, off campus lunches, cramming 10 people into Andi's bug, the river and listening to Def Leppard in my 1980 Celica. Just thinking about it makes me smile. Imagine my excitement as Skinny Bitch, Slab and I are staying in a hotel for two nights...TWO NIGHTS PEOPLE...no kids and no husbands. The possibilities are endless!!! I am sure there will be lots of laughs, "remember when"s, and hopefully a lot less hairspray.

I Almost Died...No Really, I Did!!!

2009-08-06T08:00:00.000-07:00

This last weekend up at the infamous cabin they had a special little festival that they do every year. It has become quite fun and continues to get bigger and bigger each year. They have lots of races for the kids (sack races, three legged races, peanut spoon races, etc) and they each get a ribbon for participating and if they finish in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place they get a colored ribbon and their name printed in the newsletter. We try to go up every year as the kids love it so much.

Now, as you all know, I have been training for this stupid triathalon for the past year (and not really liking it but, whatever). So, I was excited to see that I could compete in a tri at this festival and it would be fun and easy and laid back and easy (wait did I already say that?). It was perfect since they did all three stages but, they spaced them out over two days...PERFECT, since I was concerned about doing all three events with little time in between to rest. So, here I had it...I was stepping up to do this and thought "Good way to start and this was going to be easy peasy."

Ummm, ya, well, I had never done an open water swim before...Holy Crap...that was no fun AT ALL!! It was a half mile swim and I knew about an eighth of a mile in that I was in trouble. I could not get into a rhythm and I couldn't put my face in the water. This has never been a problem before and every time I would put my face in, I would FREAK out because I couldn't see a thing. It was all murky and not the least bit like swimming in a pool. So, I thought "Well, I will just keep my face out of the water then." This was good in theory but, I kept getting splashed in the face by other swimmers wake and literally kicked in the face several times. I begin to think..."Oh crap, I can't do this" and I begin to look at my options. I cannot turn around since I was so far out at this point that it would not have mattered. I could not be plucked out by a boat since they were all kayaks and canoes and I would certainly pull them in with me in my freak out session. So, I continued to swim and think and freak out and swim and freak out and think. This was spirit crushing for me since I thought that the swim would be the best event for me...apparently not since I almost drowned.

I continued to swim with the encouragement of my super hot hubby (he was great...he swam with me even though he could have gone much faster). I finished the half mile swim completely out of breath and so excited to receive the participation ribbon. I was so proud of myself that I did not finish last...I finished second to last, in front of a fit young man in his 20's. I won't even tell you he was drunk at the time of the swim but, I totally beat his ass!!!

Step right up

2009-07-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

I know all of you out there have been to one of the rinky dink traveling carnivals that pop up in the parking lots of your local strip mall. Last night I had the pleasure of taking the family to one of these and it was fun yet quite scary. Some "interesting" people work at these carnivals and even more "interesting" people attend them. We witnessed an argument between two of the workers...one of which was working at the dart booth (YIKES...not really the person I would choose to pick a fight with). She ended up walking away to go have a smoke...thank goodness. You and I both know that she had thoughts of throwing that dart right between his eyes or a little further south of his eyes (if you get my drift). There were two men walking around with their shirts off...in their defense, it was hot but for the record I had my shirt on...I'm just sayin'. These men had tattoos all over their backs, fronts, arms, necks, etc. One had a pretty little sunshine around his belly button (which kinda confused me with the stark contrast between that and the scary dragon on his back). He walked around the entire time smokin' and with his finger placed inside his betty button...why? No idea but, it was SEXY!!!! Booma chicka bow wow!!! We spent a crap load of money on rigged games and broken down rides and it only took us about 20 minutes and all we have to show for it is a stuffed monkey and a stuffed Nemo fish. JEALOUS???

Not My Child!! Monday

2009-07-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, that MckMama has gone and done it again. She is asking us to post all about the things our children did NOT and would NOT ever do. Play along...it is fun and makes me feel so much better about my parenting techniques (or lack there of.) Enjoy!!!

1. My children are the most calm and delightful children you would ever see in public or at our house. They do not spend days pulling each others hair, scratching each others eyes out, yelling, screaming or purposefully clothes lining each other. I certainly have no reason to ever send them to their rooms "for a very long time."

2. I would NOT allow my children to go absolutely crazy at a wedding. The craziness of all the other children may have involved an impromptu giant bean bag fight that looked a lot like sumo wrestling. It was so embarrassing to watch other peoples kids behaving like such animals. My children are much more classy than that.

3. I am quite certain, my children were the best behaved at the wedding and would never and I mean NEVER, poke the grandmother of the bride in the rear with a parasol that is to be used for shading the hot guests. My children used the parasols as they were intended to be used and they would never use them as a sword, gun, Star Wars weapon, or poking device of any kind.

4. I would NEVER allow my child to run amuck in a grocery store only to hear a sweet little girls voice that kinda sounded like my child shouting "Mommy, don't you need these for your period?" Huh?? What??? I wonder whose child that was doing that in the store...how embarrassing!!! Thank goodness that was NOT my child.

Is it so wrong...?

2009-07-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

These are rhetorical questions that do not need any specific answers unless you have something to say about my wonderful parenting style, how incredibly hot I look in my jeans these days, or just something that will make me laugh...

1. I woke up 10 minutes late this morning and missed my run with my running partner so, I took off on my own. Is it so wrong, that I looked for my new friend, Olivia Newton John look a like, to be my pacer for my run or at least to stop and ask her some very important questions like "Why the hell are you chasing me?" Is it really wrong that I was kinda sad that I haven't seen her since?

2. It is still 94 freakin' degrees outside right now and it is 9:30 PM. I do not live in the desert and I do believe this is very, very wrong.

3. Is it wrong that I am wanting my mom to drink at an upcoming wedding so that she may act even more ridiculous than ever? I have only drank with her one time and she was CRAZY!!! So, imagine what would happen at a wedding with all of her family, and dancing, oh the dancing...I am so hooking her up with the Captain!!!!!

4. Is it so wrong that during a play date with 6 other children the parents and I (well, mostly me) decided we wanted to see how many kids could fit in the dog crate? Is it wrong that I know it was 5? Is it so wrong that I kinda wished we could leave a few in there for a while...for goodness sake, there were 8 of them and only 3 of us. We were outnumbered!!!

One of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here...

2009-07-12T10:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I attended the best kids birthday party EVER!! We are invited every year to this party and the kids love it and so do I. The parents live in this great house with a ginormous game room...complete with air hockey, a pool table and darts. Now, I can kick ass in air hockey although I usually have to play with my kids but, I kick their ass none the less. There is an awesome pool that is heated to just the right temperature and a retaining wall that the kids can jump off of and into the pool. They almost always get some sort of blow up bounce house type of fixture. This year was an inflatable water slide...last year a real mechanical bull!!! They have it catered with great food and usually have rented margarita maker that contains some sort of adult beverage (strawberry daquiris this year). Lots of beer, wine, cake, the works. Too bad I have given up drinking so that I can drop a few pounds before my triathalon or I would have been face up and mouth open on that daquiri maker.

This great party comes at a huge price though. While it is so fun and wonderful, the attendees at the party are ALWAYS in string bikinis, overpriced sunglasses, and designer cover ups. I am telling you, the best looking people to congregate in one location. I feel like the ugly friend that is always tagging along with "in" crowd. I really don't understand it. Lots of babies, and I mean babies (two weeks old) and their mothers are in tiny bikinis with no cellulite and no stretch marks. How is this possible? I watched as countless women came in holding their tiny babies while revealing their super model bodies. They walk around in those skimpy bathing suits with a complete lack of regard for anyone staring at them (mainly I am the only one staring but STILL). They do not need cover ups or to walk with their towel tied around their waists. I am in a constant state of panic while at this party thinking "OMG, the backs of my legs are showing... I need to suck my stomach in... my youngest child is 4 years old not 4 hours old... my muffin top, oh the muffin top... do you think anyone noticed that I got my suit from Target?" The men are easy on the eyes as well. Nice looking, muscular, tan beach gods to put it simply. I am quite certain that when we leave every year, all the people wonder..."Who was that older mom'ish type lady with two kids?" I come home every year needing some sort of a self esteem boost from my super hot hubby who has never attended this party. I kinda like it that way, so that I don't have to keep hitting him for staring at all the girls and he doesn't see my staring at the guys with the six pack abs.

The Freaks Come Out at 6:00 AM

2009-07-06T15:52:00.001-07:00

I have upped my workout schedule to 4 days a week in preparation for the triathalon that I stupidly agreed to do. I continue to run at 6:00 AM two days a week with my ever so cheery neighbor and her dog and I continue to curse like a sailor and hate every minute of it. This last week we had quite an adventure on our run in the morning. We usually walk the first quarter mile to get warmed up and talk as fast as we can. We also allow the dog to do his "business" since we are nice like that. As we were walking the beginning of our run, we noticed a woman who appeared to be dressed similar to Olivia Newton John in her "Let's get Physical" video...You know the one? Yes, with a head band and all. Well, minus the leotard and add an oversized sweatshirt. My philosophy when it comes to situations like this is to just look away and pretend like I don't see them. Unfortunately, with this philosophy I tend to miss a lot of ridiculous behavior. This incident was no different.

As the freak of a woman was singing (loudly I might add) she noticed us and she started waving spastically in our direction. Now, we have a dog with us so, I am thinking "She won't come near us with this vicious dog who is afraid of his own shadow, will she?" Indeed she did. She picked up the pace and started jogging in our direction all the while screaming at us and all I could understand was "HEY LADIES" The rest was completely inaudible but, she continued to scream and jog. My cheery running partner (who is freaking out at this point), says "We were going to run anyway so, let's just start running." Off we go, thinking she will stop or show us some sort of missing appendage that needs medical attention as soon as possible. Oh no, no, no,...she begins to pick up the pace even more. At this point, we are sprinting and I mean SPRINTING like Flo Jo in the olympics. The more my running partner turns around to see what she is doing, the more it eggs her on so she runs even faster and screams even louder. She got within about 6 ft of me at one point but I am quite certain that her hangover or 3 day meth binge probably caught up with her and we left her in the dust. As we rounded the corner and saw she stopped running, she was just jumping up and down as if she just won a medal and screaming..."YA, YA, YA, LADIES" Huh? What just happened?

We spent the rest of the run in therapy discussing the events of what happened. Wondering what her problem was? Why was she wearing a headband? Why was she screaming at us? How much Patron did she drink last night? How do you wake up and think....I feel like chasing someone? The best part of this whole scene was when I told my super hot hubby what had happened his response was..."Well, that is part of it." Come again....WTF? Part of what??? If this is part of running, I want absolutely NO part of it!!! This crazy b#@*h could be my way out of this whole thing!!!

Aye, Aye, Captain

2009-07-01T15:24:00.001-07:00

Contrary to what you might think...I have NOT been playing Wii for the last week. I haven't....no seriously...I haven't. I have been trying to settle into a nice routine of cleaning the house, swim play dates, and popsicles. Let's be real, I have been breaking up fights over here, people!!! Lots and lots of whining, hair pulling and everything short of scratching each others eyes out (the kids have been no picnic either). When we have no plans, the devil himself resides in this house. I know it...he is lurking..waiting...patiently...to jump out at any given time. I have had no time for Wii nor for my new found love of crappy tv shows called "I didn't know I was pregnant."

I actually took one night for myself and went up to the cabin to decompress and get energized. It was lovely. You see, I was melting here in the valley (literally melting at 108*) and it was a nice 80* degrees up there. The last time I was up there I had a date with Mr. Patron that didn't go so well. I spent the night agreeing to run in a triathalon, drinking with what I am quite certain were underage boys, playing pool (which I really suck at unless I am drunk), and watching in horror as my friend was making out with their dog. This time...I broke up with Mr. Patron and moved on to the Capt. Now, the Capt has been good to me over the years. He brings back fond memories of relaxing on a dock with an ice cold drink in hand while watching the water skiers go by. He is a nice date...one I don't need to be dressed up for, can have a mellow evening with, a dinner and movie type date per say. He was very sweet to me and treated me like the wonderful woman I am. He did NOT leave me reeling the next day wondering "what the heck just happened and why am I sleeping next to this giant stuffed bear that looks like I won him at a carnival. OMG...did I go to a carnival? Was there someone named Herb involved in my evening? Why do I have the sense that I went on a giant slip n slide? Why am I wearing different clothes and who's sombrero is that?" Mr. Patron is dead to me and he will no longer have his way with me...I am stronger than him and his evil ways. Man, I love that Patron, he really is unpredictable and fun.

I wii, you wii, we all wii for wii ski!!

2009-06-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

I needed at least 24 hours to decompress from the whirlwind trip that we went on. Every year as we plan this trip, super hot hubby and I always think, "OMG...staying for a week is waaayyy too long. We should stay for a shorter amount of time so we don't hurt anyone." At any rate, we stay for a week and hope for the best.

One of the things that I LOVE about being down in LA is not what you would expect. Being around my lovely family for 168 hours straight? NO. The weather? NO. The beautiful (polluted) beaches? NO. My wonderful, beautiful, skinny, smart and did I say wonderful, sister that has every cable channel AND a wii gaming system. Yep, that's it!!! Don't even get me started on the shows I found on the cable channels that we don't get at our house. For instance, "I didn't know I was pregnant" is an entire season of shows about people who deliver their full term babies and claim they didn't know they were pregnant. How can this be? I was fascinated (by fascinated I mean judgmental) by this concept. Come on now people, protruding belly, missed monthly blessings, eating a pickle every hour on the hour, gaining 70 lbs., throwing up in your boot every morning, etc. and each time they would show the new mommy sitting there saying "I didn't have the normal symptoms." WHAT?? Yes, you did. OMG...people are ridiculous.

My darling, lovely, skinny, smart and beautiful sister has a wii and for this I would give her my kidney if necessary. We do not own any type of gaming system and this is the sweet mother of all gaming systems. Super hot hubby and I found ourselves gorging on wii morning, noon, and night. He challenged me to the wii ski and it was game on!!! The entire game is about jumps, slalom courses, moguls and such but, to me it was all about going full speed down the hill and barreling his poor little mii (Chuy with a giant fro) over. It was hysterical. The absolute, hands down best thing that happened with the wii was my mom tried to play the wii ski. OMG...she was a spaz and a loud spaz to boot. At one point, she was going over a jump and she flung the numchuck over her head and hit herself in the face with the cord. She totally made the jump though. The kids kept asking us to take them to the park, to read to them, to get them food but, we were busy!!!

Dad's day

2009-06-21T18:27:00.000-07:00

The girls and I woke up early this morning to get things moving for our fathers day extravaganza. Actually, it was just family coming over and was going to be low key but, I tend to make things into an extravaganza no matter what. I had talked to the girls about making a card for daddy for fathers day and usually they love doing these kinds of things. My youngest responded with "I already made him a card a while ago so, I don't want to" but, my oldest was up for the task. She spent painstaking hours (minutes actually but to a 7 year old...HOURS) finding the right colors and drawing the right pictures so that he would love it so much he would take her to Disneyland. After she finished, she threw it in my direction and said "here". I was totally feelin' the love. As I looked at it, I noticed that rather than saying Happy Fathers Day, it said "Happy Farther's Day" on the outside AND on the inside. I didn't have the heart to tell her and think it is rather appropriate if you ask me. So, Happy Farther's Day to all the gentlemen out there...you deserve one special day that is just for you....JUST ONE!!

Those were the days.

2009-06-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

We have made it to the beautiful beaches of Southern California and all of us are in one piece. Shocking, I think. We were driving through the Mojave Desert looking at tumbleweeds and Joshua Trees when I turned to super hot hubby and said "Hey, the next gas station you see, can you stop? I don't have to go really bad yet but, clearly, there isn't a lot around and you are driving as fast as I can walk so this could take a while." As my bladder is filling to maximum capacity, he passes not one but, TWO gas stations in the freakin middle of no where. By this time, I am literally dying and had I been in the old stinky truck I would have just gone on the seat or on the floor but, since I was in the new shiny, pretty truck...I couldn't do that. What are the odds that I could pee in a water bottle with a fairly small opening? I am thinkin', not so good. When we finally find a gas station, I literally run to the restroom...bowling down anyone that could be in my way.

We have spent the last few days visiting with my family and friends. Last night, we went over to Skinny Bitches house and hung out with Slab (another high school friend). The three of us, talked the entire time...I mean the ENTIRE TIME!!! Every once in a while, the hubby's would interrupt us and we tell them their services were needed outside for the BBQ, kids, or something. Even though 20 years has passed since those dreadful yet fun times, it was as if we didn't miss a beat. Each of us has kids and husbands, yet I still think of SB and Slab as 17 year old high school girls. I think about the times we spent at the River, the prom, the parties, the beach, sneaking off campus at lunch time, ditching classes (Mom, I mean only when I was sick and with your permission....I NEVER ditched classes), etc. etc. As we were reminiscing, we started sentences with "remember when..." and "Oh my god, do you remember..." I had this thought last night as I was sitting there enjoying the company, relaxing around the fire with a beer and one of Slabs kids came up to her and was calling her mommy...."Why is this kids calling her mommy?" I don't see them this way and I probably never will. We will always be 17 in my mind...now if I can get my 23 year old body back...we would be in business.

Road Trip

2009-06-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

I am certain I have posted before about road trips with the family. I love the idea of them but, put in motion they pretty much suck. I have spent the day before leaving for our journey, away from the house so that super hot hubby can pack, repack and repack to get the luggage, food, hiking boots, bikes, toiletries, lists upon lists, napkins, kitchen sink, etc. just so.

One of the most endearing features when it comes to super hot hubby and road trips is he is highly organized. One hour into the trip I can ask him, "hey super hot hubby, where is the magnetic Othello game?" And his response will be "in the seat back pocket behind the cd's, toilet paper and gum." Now, one of the most annoying features about super hot hubby and road trips is he is highly organized. He places maps in order that we may need them in the door pocket, he never forgets anything and if anything is forgotten it is something he asked me to bring and I forgot. I can guarantee, he has the gas tank full, water bottles filled and in the car, and cd's burned and ready to go right now and we aren't leaving for another 10 hours. When will we be able to stop for my Marbucks donut, venti coffee with room for cream, super big gulp, Skittles and gum when he has covered all the bases???

Wish me luck...well, all of us because things could really go bad on a road trip for anyone who whines, cries, wants to watch the same movie over and over again, asks for 12 pieces of gum, wants me to read to the point that I am sick, drops everything under the seat, has to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes, etc. Again, road trips look great on paper but, put in motion...someone could end up in jail.

PS...we are going to be seeing my mother soon so I am sure I will have many great stories about this trip...stay tuned!!!

You All Passed but, No One Got an A+

2009-06-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

While I LOVED all of your answers to the pop quiz that I proposed, no one hit the nail on the head. I enjoyed all the comments...especially the one by Domestically Challenged stating that my daughter was just thinking about picking her nose and the comment made by mika about the "and stuff" that others touched throughout the day. I liked the one by Grannie too as I thought maybe she had me on some hidden camera where she was able to see my sweet, adorable, darling daughter playing in the dirt, doing cartwheels, playing with dogs until she stated that I asked nicely....then I knew I wasn't on some hidden camera and I could go back to scratching my ass and pulling out my undies. Oh I am just kidding, I don't ever do that.

I know you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the response by my daughter was...so without further ado:

Question: "If I don't pick my nose and stuff, do I have to wash my hands before dinner?"

Answer: "Well, when was the last time you washed your hands?" See sometimes you have to probe a little bit further to get to the truth.

Her Answer: "Ummm, it was about 7 hours ago."

My Answer: "Then yes, you must wash your hands."

Her Answer: Giant tantrum that ended after dinner was over which led to another tantrum because she had to eat by herself at the table.

Ahhhhh, life is good!!

Good job and thank you to all who participated in my pop quiz!!!

A Pop Quiz

2009-06-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

With the last day of school closing in quickly, I have to keep all my ridiculous stories locked up in my brain for a few more days. I just don't have the time or energy to sit down and do the long post that I need to do. So, instead...I am testing you all, my fabulous followers. Anyone who gets the answer right to this one question, I will do something for. Not sure what but, something. A link to my post?? Oh wait, I have 28 followers (that I LOVE), the possibility of a guest post on my blog?? Might be too much pressure to guest post and keep up on your own post. Well, I will think of something. So, here is the question...

What is the appropriate response to this question? All answers are welcome and encouraged. Ask around, check it out, get other people to leave me comments, talk to friends, talk to your pets, research, whatever you need to do. Leave a comment as many times as you like but, just know that this question was presented to me by my 4 year old daughter. Here we go...

"Mommy, if I don't pick my nose and stuff, do I have to wash my hands before dinner?"

So, there you have it...how would you respond to that question? The "and stuff" part kinda frightened me and don't even want to know what "and stuff" could mean. I am betting (and I am totally a betting gal) on the fact a mom may get this one.

Such Simple Creatures

2009-05-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

A long weekend hanging around the house leads to long thoughts about random nonsense. I have been married to super hot hubby for 10 years (Yes, I deserve a medal or diamonds or something) and he has yet to respond to my nonsense in an appropriate way. For all the men out there (super hot hubby)...let me break this down for you, k?

Scenario 1:

When your wife says to you, "Is there anything you would like to do today?" You can respond with "There is some yard work I would like to do and I would like to have a little break today." This will certainly get you a kick in the balls. OR you can respond with the non ball kicking answer of..."Oh, honey, you work so hard all week long and you have the kids so much, you should rest while I take the kids on an excursion that you certainly would not want to go on." See how simple that is????

Scenario 2:

When your wife has a half day and comes home to find you on the couch sleeping....your response should be, "Oh, I was up so late last night, I couldn't sleep, I was just looking at you and thinking about how lucky I am to have you for my wife." Again...simple??? I think so. The response should NOT include: "Damn honey, why are you home? Oh ya, I forgot you were coming home early today."

Scenario 3:

Super hot hubby asks the little woman..."What would you like for dinner tonight?" and she responds with "Oh, I don't really care." This one is kinda tricky...because we do care and not just what is for dinner. We care about what you come up with as a suggestion for dinner. You really can't win on this one fellas so...sorry. If you respond with something healthy and balanced, she will think you are calling her fat. If you respond with something just to die for fattening...she will think you don't really care about how she looks anymore...ya, you are on your own on this one.

Scenario 4:

This is a big one...If your wife ever utters words such as these I am about to reveal...the answer is ALWAYS the same. No matter how she phrases it...does not matter. She says, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" or "Do these pants make my butt look big?" or "Does this dress show my back fat?" "Do my underarms jiggle when I wave hello?" "Are my boobs getting saggy?" "Do I have cellulite on the back of my legs?" We all know there are several variations to this question but, I think you get the jist. The ONLY response that will not get a woman thinking of a swift kick to the groin is "No...you look fantastic. There is no way anyone would ever think you look fat." Now, it is not only the words that you must say but, you must be looking in her direction as you say them and what ever you do...do NOT hesitate on the response. GEEZ gentlemen....we are such simple creatures.

My Mom takes on Manhattan

2009-05-20T07:08:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned...that is right she is in the Big Apple and apparently getting a subway pass to see all the sights of the city. I am worried for those around her since she will most likely get lost and go all crazy on people when they think it is funny to give a tourist wrong directions. How will they know she is a tourist you may be asking??? Well, she is the one wearing capris, I heart NY t-shirt and the Statue of Liberty foam crown and let us not forget that she is carrying post it notes to report any suspicious activity. I really do feel for the city of NY right now. Hang in there New Yorkers and please do not hold me responsible for her behavior.

Not Me Monday!!

2009-05-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I was NOT been very busy last week as super hot hubby was on a work vacation so there are so many things that I did NOT do!!!!

1. I did NOT stop to think if it would be ok for the kids to have a Slurpee for dinner one night. Now, in my defense, it was very hot and we needed something to cool down AND I figured that if we got a fruit flavored it may suffice. I did NOT think about it for a while and I did NOT ask the kids their opinion on this as anyone with a brain knows that the kids would say it would be ok.

2. I did NOT freak out when my oldest daughter was hit with a rocket (baseball) in her eye. My freak out was NOT the fact that I figured she was going to be discolored or swollen...it was based solely on the fact that we would be making, yet another, trip to the ER and I just didn't want to go back there two weeks after our last trip and see the same people. I mean what would people think??? I am quite certain they would remember us too as my youngest daughter was trying to sit on the doctors chair and simply running amuck. I figured if they saw us coming again they would lock the door and turn off the lights so, I was pleased to no end when we realized we wouldn't have to go.

3. I do NOT think that my daughters eye is the most beautiful shade of purple and I am NOT so proud of her for wanting to go back out and play ball on Tues night. I mean, really, what parent would want their kid to go back out to the same sport that she was so terribly injured at??? That would be so mean.

4. I am NOT even more proud of her for trying to match her dress to the shade of her eye. I am NOT thinking I have the toughest little girl in the whole world with the most amazing tenacity that it makes me want to cry!!!

5. I am NOT going to post a picture of her eye since I said I would never post any pictures of my kids on my blog. If I did post a picture of her eye...it would NOT look like this and it would NOT make me smile to know that behind that discolored eye lid is the most beautiful eye with a twinkle in it that I love to see.

6. It is NOT family game night...Help me...enough said!!!

In The Trenches

2009-05-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

Today, was the most bizarre day at work I have ever encountered. Super hot hubby is gone on a trip right now and I am single parent for 4 days...let me rephrase that....a semi tipsy single parent since I can't seem to make it through an evening without some sort of alcohol. This morning I had the joy of taking a kid home from school that had been suspended. I had to go to his house first (no working phone number there) and make sure it was ok for me to bring him home in my car. The boys "Auntie" wanted to ride with me so that she could give him a piece of her mind. When she got into the car, I realized she was wearing some cheap ass perfume (by ass, I mean it smelled like ass covered up with perfume). I was concerned for my shiny, pretty new truck but, figured it would air out. Auntie and I chatted about kids and life in general and I found myself thinking..."Auntie is pretty cool, I kinda want to hang out with her."

We arrive at the school and by this time the boys brother was in trouble and they both needed to be taken home. She lights those boys up within two seconds of stepping into the office. She went about her business of signing behavior reports and getting them signed out of school and never stopped yelling at them. The entire ride home was spent with the boys in the back seat, staring out the window and Auntie continuing to yell. No one was listening at this point and she was going on and on about "why you boys are acting like foos?" Yes, there is no L in fool these days. The best part was, when I returned to school, I called my friend counselormama who is also an elementary counselor and she says and I quote...

"I bet I can guess what she was yelling in the car the whole way home." Game on!!! So, she says..."Boy, if you were mine, we wouldn't even be havin' this talk because I would whoop your ass and Boy, why you actin' all a foo at school? and Boy, your mama didn't raise no foo so why you actin' like one? and Boy, why your school have to call me and make me come to the school with this lady to pick your sorry ass up?" This was, pretty much to a T, the way the conversation went down in the car. Counselormama=1 Seriously? = 0. While 99% of what "Auntie" was saying was in the form of a question...She, in no way shape or form, wanted any type of answer.

This is just one tiny thing that happened today...not to mention the freakin band that has moved onto Mary had a little lamb and our new student that wants to "kick the crap out of people" all the time and he is addicted to playing his air guitar and singing Iron Maiden at the top of his lungs and the 6th grade boy that showed up to school in an authentic COUNTY JAIL shirt with a prisoner number and he didn't understand why I would make him take it off. And people wonder why elementary schools need a counselor???

Happy Mothers Day!!

2009-05-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Even though I often will poke fun at my mother, I love her more than anything. She raised me to be a doting mom to my own kids and taught me keep my eyes out for suspicious activity at all times. Growing up in a family oriented area of Southern California, we often times would ride bikes up to the local strip mall by ourselves for an ice cream cone. Life was good. My Mom was at EVERY one of my sporting events...softball, basketball, volleyball. She attended drama productions and campfire girls. I never doubted how much she loved me (except for the time she chased me around with a wooden spoon that I am quite certain I deserved).

One of the things that I loved about being her daughter was she LOVED everything I did. Seriously...EVERYTHING. My sister and I had the chore of making dinner one night a week for the family. We would make such dinners as mac and cheese, chili bili's (tortilla chips, chili and cheese...an old ball park favorite), and spaghetti. As we would sit down to dinner, my mom would act as if it was the best chili bili she had ever had. It always made me so happy. She let us try so many things and believed in a "do it yourself" type way of learning. I wanted to make cookies with a friend one time and she let us go to town in the kitchen. We ended up dumping all the flour in at once and when we turned on the mixer it all went flying...we were covered in white. We all laughed so hard...including my mom. She let me make my own Halloween costume of R2D2 and I was so proud of that costume. It was actually quite pathetic but, she was so proud of me for doing it mostly by myself.

Being a mom now, I realize how much she did for me as a child. She stayed home with my sister and I and asked us everyday after school how our day was. She took care of me when I was sick. She drove us around to our many activities. She was a room mom. She let us have sleep overs. She made us cookies. She taught us how to swim. I could go on and on...but, the most important thing she taught me was how to be a great mom to my own kids. For that, I thank her from the bottom of my heart. I love you, Mom!!!!

Family Freakin' Game Night

2009-05-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

Super hot hubby and I decided to step up our game of implementing an fun filled evening of board games with the kids one night a week. Now, this is also in conjunction with baseball practice and two baseball games a week, ballet, homework, birthday parties, play dates, etc. The introduction of this night comes on the heels of the fact that super hot hubby and I did not do a birthday party for either one of the kids this year. While we differ in opinion on this (and we all know who is right)...the kids keep asking about a party. I am NOT feeling like the mother of year right now so, let's start having more family fun time to make us feel closer.

While it all sounds good...we all know that it didn't go well (hence the post). We decide to let the youngest person pick the game and next week, the next youngest and so on. My youngest is freshly 4 years old and doesn't have the best sportsmanship skills. We are working on it. She chooses Mickey's Clubhouse Yahtzee which sounds fun right?

First game goes well..no major problems...second game...not so well. My four year old begins to whine in a voice that I only thought dogs and parents can hear.

"I want to go first."

"You got to go first last time...let's give someone else a turn to go first."

"I don't want to...that's not fair."

"If you are going to cry, then you can go to your room."

"I don't want to go to my room."

"Then stop whining."

Game 3...we pushed it on this one.

"I don't want to only have two Mickey's"

"Well, that is the way the game goes."

Putting her head down on the table to pout (which infuriates me)

"Shall we skip your turn then."

"NO!!!"

She rolls the dice and the dice go flying all over the table and floor...again infuriates me.

"You need to pick them up."

She picks them up and rolls them again...now she begins to bang the yahtzee cup on the table.

"You need to choose what you are rolling for and please stop banging on the table."

"Well, I am thinking" (with MAJOR attitude and eye roll)

She is four, people...FOUR!!! OMG...roll the freakin dice or I am going to lose it here. Now, I put my head down and proceed to bang my head on the table.

Final roll...all dice go flying...OMG...who's idea was this??

When she puts her playing piece on the board...she purposefully knocks all the other pieces off. AGAIN...I am infuriated.

At the end of the game...she is upset because she got 13 and someone else got 16 and she is adamant that 13 is more than 16 so that she would win.

Glad we implemented that fun filled evening...Good times!!!

Travel Buddy

2009-04-26T10:26:00.000-07:00

Super hot hubby and I went out for a nice dinner the other night sans kids and we came up with a great idea for a new job. Not that either of us is looking for a new job but, we had an idea none the less.

Prior to getting married, super hot hubby and I loved to travel. We still love to travel but, we have very different styles of traveling. My idea of a vacation is sitting on a warm beach, sun, drinks, and hot cabana boys. His idea of a vacation is a trek through some wilderness carrying everything on your back for four days. I lured him in with two backpacking trips while we were dating and now I say NO MORE (sucker)!!! Throw a couple of kids in the mix and he is lucky if he gets a hike out of me. Whenever we try to plan a trip we inevitably "discuss" where to go and what to do and reach zero agreement. I say..."let's go to ______" (insert favorite tropical beach city here) and he says "oh that sounds great they have a volcano there that we can climb and it only takes 7 days."

This got me thinking that we may have a reality TV show on our hands. We could pick an exotic location and show all the best places to get a tan, where the best margaritas are sold, and the best place to get knock off shoes at a fraction of the cost as well as the best hiking treks, what bugs we can eat, how to start a fire in the rain, and other wilderness adventures. I completely draw the line at carrying out everything (by everything...I do mean EVERYTHING!!!) You see, half the fun would be in showing how super hot hubby and I could compromise and both of us would be happy with the vacation. Now, I clearly have a flare for being on TV but, my super hot hubby??? Not so much...so I would need to hire an "actor" to play him. Now, who could that be?? I am thinking...oh, I don't know...someone like Matthew McConaughey, Matt Damon, or ________ (insert any man that is in the acting business with six pack abs here)??? Any of those will do so, if anyone has connections with any actors let me know and maybe I could contact them to see if they would be interested.

Raise A Quiet Hand If You Know The Answer...

2009-04-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

I have not updated y'all on my running status and I know you are on pins and needles wondering if I am still doing it. I am still running 3-4 times a week and still hating every minute of it...literally, hate it. This is not the reason for this post. You see, I would have thought that by now I would either enjoy the running, or would have quit, or would have dropped those pesky pounds from pregnancy (4 years ago but, whatever). None of those have happened yet. I was chatting with super hot hubby yesterday about the status of my running and how I would have thought I would be much farther along in the process by now. I told him that I thought I would have an easier time running (or at least less swearing and hatred) if I lost a little bit of weight. Now, we have been married for almost 10 years and I would THINK that he would know I was lobbing one right over the plate with this one....I figured he would knock it out of the park but, instead he says..."Ya, it is easier for me when I lose some weight too." WTF?!?!? I am really asking here people...what would have been the appropriate answer?

Does History Repeat Itself?

2009-04-20T20:14:00.000-07:00

Four days with my mom is good and bad. Good because I love her dearly but, bad because I see how I will inevitably end up in my life. I have no idea where her paranoia about being kidnapped has come from but, it has set up camp in my mothers mind and refuses to leave. I have never been kidnapped, she has never been kidnapped, no one we know has ever been kidnapped but, it is a real thought process for her that this IS going to happen to someone. She is always on alert, looking for anyone who is a kidnapper or a potential kidnapper. I just don't get it. She is really interested in the new Nissans because apparently they have a release latch on the inside of the trunk...ya know, just in case you end up in there and can't get out. For example, you are playing around with your friends and wondering if you can fit in the trunk or if you are kidnapped and stuffed in the trunk and driven to the deep woods (choice number 2 is such the obvious one to choose). She currently drives a Jeep Cherokee and I often wonder what she would do if she was kidnapped and put in the back of the car. Don't you think all she would have to do is sit up and be the freak show that she is and someone would see her? Where as with the release...she must time her escape with the pulling the latch at the correct time and jumping to freedom.

She is concerned about her cell phone when it turns on as well. Apparently, it makes a noise (as all cell phones do) when it is turned on. I am not sure why she doesn't keep it on unless she is concerned about the battery dying and what would be worse than being stuffed into your own trunk with a dead cell phone? As this CSI episode that is my mother plays in my mind, I can't understand why she would have her cell phone in the trunk with her. Would any kidnapper allow her to grab her purse as she heads to the trunk? "Please...can I just take this ginormous purse with me to the trunk? It doesn't have anything in it but, I may need my lipstick....Thanks"

This would be an actual conversation once she dialed 911:

911: Hello, 911, what is your emergency?

mom: static...static....static

911: Hello? What is your emergency?

mom: Can you hear me? Can you hear me?

911: yes, ma'am what is your emergency?

mom: static...static...hello? Can you hear me now? giggle giggle (she loves those commercials)

911: HELLOOOO!!!

mom: I must be in some dead spot...anyway, can you send a car over, I am in the trunk of my own car but, I am totally prepared to be in here. I have snacks, phone, lipstick, etc. Could you call my daughter and tell her I said....I TOLD YOU SO!!!

Teaser

2009-04-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

My mom has been here for less than 24 hours and I already have some material for a good post. I will just give you a glimpse as to what I have dealt with the last day. I will remind you that I had to go to work today so, I was away from her for 7 hours.

1. Apparently she would like to buy a new car because of a special safety feature...let's just say it has something to do with being kidnapped.

2. She went on a bike ride and there were no emergency vehicles called but, she enjoyed using her "dirt bike" on the American River Bike Trail (cement) dirt path.

3. Her cell phone is too loud when it turns on and she may need to get a new one for safety reasons...again back to the kidnapping.

4. oh yes, and apparently she went off on someone at Mammoth Mountain since there were panties hanging in a tree for all to see. It IS a family resort and all...

There are four more days of this...I will pick and choose what I post so I don't want to overwhelm you (as I usually am when it comes to her).

Helmet Time

2009-04-15T21:09:00.000-07:00

My ridiculously crazy mother is coming up this weekend (and YES, I will be sure to fill you in on all of her antics and NO, she is not driving the golf cart up 400 miles to visit). I was chatting with her on the phone a few days ago and we were discussing her trip up and maybe her and I going skiing for a day. She started to talk in a pitch that I only hear when she is concerned (by concerned, I mean paranoid) about me. I shared with her that I have been taking the girls skiing with me and how much they love it and go straight down the hill with no turns (mistake #1). She interrupts me to find out if they are wearing helmets. Ummm, Ya, of course they are wearing helmets. I am beginning to see where this is going and I try to change the subject quickly (mistake #2). "Mom, ya, know what happened at school?" "Mom, umm, I need your advice about something." "Mom, could you tell me a story about when I was born?" "Mom, don't freak out but, I am sure someone just broke into my house and is going to kidnap me." Nothing could get her off of my safety while skiing.

"You wear a helmet, right?"

"ummm, well, I would wear a helmet if I was skiing with another person that was over the age of 7 but, mom, I just stay on the beginner runs and I don't go fast and...." (mistake #3)

"WHAT???? Wait, you don't wear a helmet? I wear a helmet you should wear a helmet."

Oh God no...here it comes...don't say it, don't say it...

"You could die ya know, if you hit your head. Do you not love your kids enough to wear a helmet?"

Yes, pick your jaws up off the keyboard...she actually said those words. The funny thing about all this is I have been looking for a helmet and have every intention of buying one now that my kids love to ski and I would rent one if I was going with another adult and would be skiing on any runs besides beginner runs.

My lovely mother has told me that she is buying me a helmet when she comes up and I am to wear it while skiing all the time. I think I am going to take it one step further and wear it just ALL THE TIME!!! I will photograph myself sitting on a park bench in the helmet, driving in my car in the helmet, watching tv in the helmet, etc. I know I turn into a child when things like this happen but, I LOVE IT!!! (mistake #4)

Spring Break is over...Thank God!!!

2009-04-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

I swear Spring Break was created by childless teachers who only want to get away from the kids at school and take a much needed vacation to the mountains or to Mexico. There are a few of us that work in a school AND have kids of our own. I didn't think that all the way through now did I? Those that have their own children will totally understand this when I say it...a week is too long!!! Feel me Dawg? No baseball practice, no homework, no dance class, no self control (kids or me), I could go on and on. I am actually happy to go back to work tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I love being home with my kids in the summer. I can get into a routine with them and we have activities to do all the time. This last week was especially brutal since it rained a few days. I have never said these phrases so much in all my life:

1. Stop it.

2. Leave your sister alone.

3. Stop touching her.

4. Stop looking at her.

5. If you stop looking at her she will stop touching you.

6. Your attitude needs to change.

7. I am going crazy.

8. Why are you doing that?

9. Stop copying her.

10. Stop copying me.

11. OMG...Go talk to Daddy.

12. Mommy needs a very long time out.

For the first time all school year...I will be early to work and happy to be there.

Easter Tradition

2009-04-11T22:05:00.000-07:00

Last year I began a tradition with my girls and I want to share it with you all. I am all about traditions and I love passing things down from one generation to the next. It doesn't even have to be big things like baking Christmas cookies (which, of course, I do) or making home made jam (check). I am the proud mother of two delightful girls. They like most girly type things...dolls, hair bows, and dresses but, they are also quite tomboys. They are often found climbing in the trees or slopping in the mud. I was thrilled when they were all excited about the Easter Bunny giving their dolls a tea party. Someone had told me about this and she actually did it with her two boys and they LOVED it!!! Try it y'all...I swear it is fun. You put out a cute little placemat or small blanket and set out either your best china (which I do NOT) or the kids tea set (much better). You gather up their favorite dolls, animals, bunnies and place them around the mat. The fun is in the finding the tea party. We hide it somewhere in the house and it is never in the same spot. I think my kids love it more than the plastic eggs filled with candy. Happy Easter!!!

Why Must My Kids Embarrass Me So????

2009-04-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what happened in the gene pool between my husband and I. Our first daughter is delightful, sweet, caring, quiet, clean, smart, etc. I thought that when we had our second daughter, life would be blissful...filled with ribbons, cute dresses, quietness, sweetness, lollipops, sugar and spice and everything nice. Wow, is this a wake up call or what? Now, my youngest daughter is only 4 so, I am hoping she grows out of this phase but, she has been a little on the wild side since...well, since exiting my body. As an infant, she rarely slept, she would make noises just to hear herself, and the louder the noises the better. She CANNOT sneak anywhere and she is in constant motion and noise soon follows. She cranks it up a notch whenever she meets new people or there are cute little boys around. Imagine my horror when I took her out to eat when I was meeting an old friend from high school and his two boys.

We hadn't seen each other in 20 years. I LOVE seeing people that I knew as a child and meeting their families. It is so interesting to me to see their kids and how their lives have turned out. We had plans to ski with our kids together in Tahoe for a day and unfortunately we ended up at two different ski resorts. We decided to meet for a quick bite to eat before they had to go. Now, taking my kids in public is a gamble in and of itself but, a restaurant is almost always a sure fire scene. After introductions and 30 seconds...my youngest becomes this Tazmanian Devil that cannot be contained.

"Mommy I need more water."

"But you have water."

"But I need more...I am so thirsty."

"Finish the water you have and I will give you more."

Volume is increasing with each exchange.

"But, I am really thirsty and I am going to drink all of that water and I need more."

Trying to keep it peaceful..."OK" I give her water.

"Mommy, you know what?"

Oh crap...OMG, what is she going to say? Please, don't let it be something about my period. Ignore, ignore, ignore...

"Mommy, you know what?" (even louder, cannot ignore anymore)

"What"

"Mommy, BOO"

"Ummm, OK, I was not scared by that."

"Really? BOO!!!"

"Oh OK, now that scared me."

I am really hoping the food comes quickly at this point...I am thinking why must she behave like a heathen in front of my high school friend.

THEN she breaks into song...

"Sigmund the Sea Monster and Johnny and Scott are friends."

She then explains the plot line of this horrible 70's show that I used to watch as a child.

"Johnny and Scott find this sea monster and they are friends."

Back to the song now..."Sigmund the Sea Monster..."

I am dying at this point...I tell her to "turn down the volume."

"But, I don't have a volume button, Mommy."

CLEARLY, you do not my sweet girl. I wouldn't trade her for anything...well...umm, no, I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Caffeine Filled Day

2009-04-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

I got up at the crack of butt this morning to go for a run and really was dragging. I needed an extra cup of coffee this morning just to get my tired rear out the door. I got to work and I am needed to take a kid home by 8:45 AM so, I head over to his house to see if anyone is home. Of course, there isn't...so on my way back, I realize I need gas so I stop to fill er up and I need cash so I decide to get a soda and get some cash back. For those of you keeping track...at this point, 1 soda, 3 cups of coffee. By 10:30 my principal is asking, demanding and begging me to take some forms over to the district office so, I say "hell ya" on the inside (gets me off campus and away from the craziness that exists there) but, I actually say "Well, ya, I guess I can go over there quickly." While driving back, I decide I am craving and must have a Marbucks doughnut...well, I can't get a doughnut and NOT get coffee and do I think to get decaf?? NO, of course not!!! Score = 1 soda, 4 cups of coffee, 5 bites of doughnut and the thought that I should go back and get another one since I didn't even enjoy it with my coffee.

Now, when I return to my office I can hardly contain myself, I can't sit still for any length of time, I am talking a mile a minute, I can't shut up. I figured I would crash and crash hard at some point during the day. I must have looked like the energizer bunny at the peak of the caffeine explosion (just keeps going and going and going and going) which occurred sometime around 1:00 when all the kids got out of school, the police arrived, an angry parent comes and demands to talk to me, two kids missed the bus, etc...I needed one more caffeine jolt to get me through the day. By the end of it all, the score was...2 sodas, 5 cups of coffee, 1 Marbucks doughnut and a caffeine induced coma at about 4:00 PM.

Spring is Here

2009-03-29T17:35:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I am NOT a huge fan of spring. There are things I love about it....flowers in bloom, weather warming up, spring skiing, blah, blah, blah but, the other things just bring me down.

For example, I cannot stand it when I wear a long sleeve shirt in the morning (and I am freezing) and by the afternoon I am sweating up a storm. I try to layer the best I can but, I am not very good at this. I am not a fan of the pasty white legs on me or anyone else for that matter. Everyone seems to look sickly in the spring. I don't like spring cleaning and I can't stand shaving my legs more than once a week. When I want to start wearing sandals, my feet are usually a hot mess from being in socks and shoes for the past four months. I always hate going to get a pedicure for the first time in spring....I am sure the poor little girl doing my nasty toes is thinking, "I better be getting a good tip" yet, she always tells me that they aren't that bad. Ya, right!!! So, excuse me for not jumping up for joy that spring is here.

I am married to an allergy sufferer and during spring he is drippy, snotty, cranky, sneezy, whiny, grumpy and all the other dwarfs rolled into one super hot hubby, it is FABULOUS!!!! He tries to take some herbal type medicine from Whole Foods but, nothing seems to work. He complains and complains and I want to tell him...SUCK IT UP!!! That would just be mean so I, on the other hand, am just like Snow White...blissfully floating about while cleaning, singing, and cooking. Now, if you believe that, I have some property to sell you...anyone interested??

UPDATE: So, I am now realizing that this post may be a little bit...shall we say...negative?? Well, it has been a rough spring day around these here parts and I am just keepin it real. As for super hot hubby, he would not like to be referred to as whiny so I will withdraw that one...

The Name Game

2009-03-26T14:39:00.000-07:00

Since my last post about the Marbucks doughnuts, Marbucks...ohhhh (Homer Simpson style), I had a conversation with my super hot hubby about rhyming. My four year old doesn't quite get the concept of rhyming but, likes to think she does. She will say "Cat and horse...see, they rhyme." "Uh, ya, sure they do...when do you start school?"

So, I was telling my super hot hubby that I could rhyme his name with a word so that he would know when I am mad at him (as if the flying daggers from my eyes were unclear). It just so happened that his name rhymes with "piss" so I figured what better name to give him? He, of course, did not see the humor in this situation as I had and said "Umm, well, it also rhymes with kiss." He is a half full kind of guy...I, on the other hand, will stick with piss. Then he decides to rhyme my name to ensure I KNOW when he is mad at me...Dim?? WHAT??? How could he do this to me?? I had to point out that it could have been slim. I think that would have been much more suitable and I am rethinking the piss name.

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

It is a strange place this blogging world. I never imagined this would happen but, I have connected with other people that I have never met in person. I feel like I know them and I know their families. With that being said...MckMama's little guy, Stellen is in the hospital. For those of you that don't know...she had some issues during her pregnancy with his heart but, since being born, he has been doing so good. He has taken a turn for the worse and can't seem to get his little heart under control. I am beyond sad for her and her little guy. She is updating her blog periodically so go over and visit her and leave her a comment. We all know how much we LOVE comments. Please, think of her and her family today. They are all on my mind...

An Intervention is Necessary

2009-03-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

I am sure most of you are thinking I am talking about the one and only Paula who needs an intervention (and she totally does) but, I am actually referring to me. I need the intervention. I clearly have an addictive type personality and I should know better when I am told something like..."Don't even try that because it is sooooo good and you will love it and once you have one you will need it everyday." I am usually able to resist temptation as long as I have never had whatever "it" might be. So, a friend told me about these wonderful doughnuts at a local coffee establishment. I will NOT tell you the name of the establishment because I don't want to be the one responsible who gets you started down this dark path but, the coffee place rhymes with Marbucks.

I say..."But, Marbucks isn't known for their doughnuts, they are famous for their overly caffeinated coffee beverages. You mean that they have a pastry better than the petite vanilla scones?" And, boy howdy, do they ever!!! Their glazed doughnuts are so yummy. They have just enough glaze (or some type of crack cocaine since it is so addictive) on them that they aren't too mushy and they are still sweet and it was still moist at 10:00 when I began my make out session with the doughnut. I ate the whole thing in about four bites and it left me wanting more. I am salivating just thinking about it...this can't be good.

As the day wore on, I continued to think about that doughnut and the fact that I had skipped my run that morning. I felt really guilty that I, not only, skipped my run but had a tasty treat as well. When I got home I went for that run to punish myself for eating a piece of the devil himself. Do you know what happened? I had the best run EVER!!! I even ran an extra half mile on top and felt great after. I have now convinced myself that Marbucks doughnuts are necessary for my running schedule. Is that wrong?

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

1. I did NOT swear like a sailor when my super hot hubby wanted to clean out the garage on Sunday. I did NOT know that it would entail my help and all I wanted to do on Sunday was sit around in my pj's by a nice warm fire playing Earthopoly. I do NOT love this game because I beat super hot hubby at it every time we play.

2. I did NOT find an enormous amount o' crap up in the garage that I canNOT believe we ever used or had any intention of using.

3. I did NOT tell my super hot hubby that I would be photographing all the ridiculous things that we found up there to show all my followers the craziness that exists up in the rafters of our home.

3a. We did NOT find this flat basketball with the markings of Mother Earth on it. I am hoping that my super hot hubby did NOT just put it back up there even though it was flat since it was, in fact, Mother Earth and how can he throw that away?
3b. I did NOT find this pretty little number that I know I have never worn and cannot for the life of me figure out how it got up in the rafters in the first place. Hmmmm, I will have to think about this one. 3c. We did NOT find these beautiful Christmas candles that we have never even used. I have no idea how long they have been up there for but, the entire set of four were in there. 3d. This was NOT the contents of that same box. Yes, those are the same said candles and I do NOT think they look like the ones on the box (I really don't and it was kinda gross with all the wax all over the place but, it did smell good). Note to self, Christmas candles cannot survive the scorching heat of Sacramento in the rafters apparently.

4. I did NOT find enough Christmas lights (both outside and inside lights) to have a Christmas light fiesta next year. We are talking Griswalds family Christmas here people. Look for us next year!!!

Reality TV at its Finest

2009-03-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with Paula Abdul? Seriously, she is incoherent when she speaks and most of the time she is slurring her words. I have no idea what the heck she is talking about AND she claps like a seal. Her fingers are spread out to the maximum extension...ALL TEN OF THEM...and she claps like that?? Why?? I have no idea but, every week I wonder..."Is she drunk?" "Does she need more sleep?" "Is she on something?" "Where can I get me some of that?" This last week she looked as if a bird had flown directly into her boob since she had feathers coming out of her shirt. All aboard for the Paula Abdul train wreck...woo woo!!! Next stop...Celebrity Intervention???

The Bachelor breaks up with his fiance on National TV and tells her he is dumping her for the other girl that he dumped at the Final Rose ceremony? OK, what is wrong with this guy??? Can we just say he has some issues and leave it at that?

Can Maury Povich ever do a show that does not involve paternity tests and finding out who the skanks baby daddy is?? I very rarely watch this show (that is the truth, I swear) but, every time it is the same topic AND why on gods green earth would you ever go on a show to find out who your baby daddy is if you are even remotely not sure who it is??? It is ridiculous to say the least.

I think I am going to go back to watching Judge Judy and The People's Court where the cases are real and the decisions are final.

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

1. I did NOT laugh hysterically when the elementary school bus driver refused to take one of our kids home so the principal of the school came out to "talk" with her about her reasoning behind this. She did NOT tell him to "step off my bus" two times right in front of me and the said child that she was refusing to take home. I did NOT turn to him and ask him "so, how does it feel to get kicked off the bus?" He did NOT laugh at that moment (seriously, he didn't think it was funny...what?? Totally funny if you ask me). He now sees the hilariousness in the whole situation and can laugh at the fact that the principal of the school got kicked off the bus.

2. I did NOT think it was funny when my high school friend (shout out to Skinny Bitch) posted some glorious pictures from prom, river trips, hanging out, etc. The pictures themselves were funny enough but, the best part was 90% of the pictures, I had absolutely no recollection taking or who is even in them for that matter. I was NOT drinking through most of my senior high school year as evidenced by the lack of memory and the height of my bangs. GEEZ, could they be any higher...really?

3. I did NOT hang out on Saturday like the Beverly Hillbillies on the neighbors front porch drinking wine, watching the kids play. I did NOT then get home to do a little drunk facebooking (That is never good), only to see the same neighbors were drunk facebooking too!! Who does NOT love drunk facebooking.

Four Eyes

2009-03-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

When I was little, I had horrible vision and was punished to wear glasses from the second grade on. I hated those glasses. I remember going in to the eye dr. and telling them I could see things that I could not, in hopes that I could fool him into thinking I could see. None the less, glasses were necessary each and every time. Not only that but, I needed a stronger prescription each and every time. By the time I was in 5th grade, I was sporting a giant pair of coke bottle glasses. Here I am, going through the "ugly awkward years" wearing these ridiculous glasses. My parents could have got me some super cute glasses that made me look all smart but, instead they would probably ask..."Which pair is the cheapest?" I finally talked my parents into getting contact lenses in 8th grade and I swore I would never wear glasses again, EVER!!! As I got older, there were many times when I needed those glasses...lost lenses, torn, broken, eye infection. I would not give in...I said never and I meant NEVER!! I was scarred for life. I would drive down the highway with one eye closed since I lost a lens, I would wear my contacts even through an eye infection, I didn't care. Then, when I met super hot hubby, I decided to finally break down and get a pair (that was covered by insurance of course). It took me three days to pick out those glasses. I asked everyone, how they looked, if I looked smart, did they make my pupils look giant? I am sure if I ran into Counselormama, I would have been included in her Freak Magnet stories.

It is now ten years later and I have gone through two pairs of glasses. At this point, I come home from work and take out my lenses and put on my glasses for the evening. I am not yet comfortable wearing them in public yet but, I think I will be. I made a promise to myself and told my hubby that there is no choice...if the kids need glasses, we will dwindle down their college fund or sell our kidneys in order to get some super cute glasses for them. That is just the kind of mom I am.

Not Me! Monday

2009-03-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did NOT have the most ridiculously crazy week at work with enough not me material to suffice for an entire post.

1. I did NOT laugh hysterically (and I mean milk would have come out my nose, hysterically) when a male 5th grade teacher came into the office holding a pair of g-string panties that he found on the floor of his classroom. Who lost their g-string in a 5th grade classroom??? OMG...I can only hope it was some how stuck in someone's pant leg or something.

2. On the very same day, I did NOT have a child fall in the mud and call home to have a replacement pair of pants brought to her. Her father did NOT ask me if we had some pants in the lost and found for his daughter to wear. I did NOT respond with "Ummm, ya, most kids don't lose their pants at school so, NO we don't have any in the lost and found."

3. I did NOT have to endure the entire school band in my office last Friday...flutes, clarinets, trumpets, electric guitars (with amps), and drums. The following conversation did NOT occur in my office that day:

Band instructor: "You are supposed to blow not suck."

Innocent student: "I don't understand...I only blow?"

Band instructor: "Yes, don't suck on your instrument...just blow."

Innocent student: "OK, I think I get it now."

Band instructor: "Now put your instrument in your mouth and show me how you blow."

I swear, I could make this up but I didn't. I don't think I have this good of an imagination...even if I tried. CRAZY!!!

4. I did NOT have an entire conversation with my craz...I mean lovely mother while she was in the bath tub. She called me and the whole conversation sounded like she was in a tunnel. I asked her about it and she told me she was in the tub at the time and then the line went dead. I am wondering if she dropped the phone in the tub and needs assistance at this time. Maybe I should check on her??

The Streets of San Francisco

2009-02-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

My super hot hubby and I spent a glorious day in San Francisco. The weather was just gorgeous and our kids were at home with my in laws (hopefully NOT dancing to gospel rap again, I am still traumatized). Our plans included a trip to the California Academy of Science Museum, the Pantagonia store (for him), Ghiradelli Square (for her) and a nice dinner at a great italian restaurant in North Beach.

Super hot hubby and I had our first date in this lovely city and it has always been a romantic city since then. After a great museum trip and a walk to the Pantagonia store we decided to head out to the dinner. We chose to take BART into the city since the parking is atrocious and expensive. So, we were hoofin it throughout the city. I just follow super hot hubby as I have no idea where I am in SF and have no idea where I am ever going. We have gone to the same restaurant several times and still I have no idea how to get there or what street it is on.

We are strolling and chatting and walking hand in hand. We come to SEVERAL steps, I believe to heaven, as they never seemed to stop. We proceed to walk up the steps with no complaints...then we come to GIANT hill that we must go up. I again walk up it with no complaints (mainly because I couldn't breath but, whatever). We get to the bottom of the hill and he realizes we have been going the wrong way and the way we really need to go is up ANOTHER giant hill. I ask him if he is smokin' crack at this point. I tell him I will go up that one hill but, I won't be happy about it and if we are still not going the right way we WILL be getting a cab and paying a million dollars if necessary to get to the restaurant. I am so NOT happy at this point that I wouldn't talk to him even if I could talk. What goes up must come down so we are now headed down these gigantic hills when he realizes we just went way out of our way and that we are headed in the right direction now. He asks me if we passed Green street before and I tell him I wouldn't know if we passed an elephant standing on his head let alone Green St. as I was so winded at that point. He tells me he must have missed it since he was checking out my ass and how good it looked in my jeans. All was forgiven at that very second and I fell in love...again!!

For those of you that must know...these are the gigantic hills that I climbed without complaints, I might add. Am I a trooper or what?

Not Me! Monday

2009-02-22T17:54:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

1. I did NOT spend the entire day on Sunday in my pajamas. I did NOT rationalize this with "I would be putting my pj's back on to watch the Oscars". I do NOT have any idea what movies or people are up for the awards this year since I haven't been to the movies for anything other than a G rated film since the year 2000. I do NOT care less that I know nothing about the movies and I am NOT giddy like a school girl to watch 6 hours of TV. That is NOT just sad.

2. I did NOT make a special trip, 20 minutes out of my way, to pick up my girl scout cookies from my nieces. I did NOT eat an entire box last night and plan on doing the same again tonight but with ice cream this time.

3. I do NOT need to go to the store to get some ice cream.

4. I did NOT have the most romantic and fun day with super hot hubby in San Francisco. I do NOT think I fell in love him all over again because he totally gets me and puts up with me. I am NOT writing this hoping he will read it and go to the store for that ice cream. WAIT...I better do it...he will come back with some soy based, non fat, frozen yogurt sorbet type thingy.

Tales From the Eco-friendly House

2009-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

One of the things that I adore about super hot hubby is he is very environmental. He uses only earth friendly type cleaners, buys organic whenever possible, and would LOVE to buy a hybrid car (not for the savings in gas money but, for the environment). I strive to be this way as well but, I have a confession to make. Lean in close and I will whisper it to you. Ready? While I love this about him, I hate it as well. It is usually an after thought for me to buy and use the eco friendly products. I am getting better but, convenience and cheapness prevails at times. I think it takes longer to scrub and scour the sink with the homemade cleaner that he makes for me. Yes, I said home made and I KNOW you want the "recipe". There are days when I would really like to smuggle in a container of Comet to really scrub the sink and my school has this cleaner that we use on the floors in the cafeteria that is one step short of eating away at the floor but, man, do those floors shine and sparkle.

The organic foods is another one I don't understand. He prefers to buy from Whole Foods or as I like to call it Whole Paycheck. I love that he is concerned for our well being especially for the kids since they would be more effected by all the junk in the foods but, it gets a little bit overwhelming sometimes for me. There are times when I just want to say "Is it really necessary?" but, I know the answer to that one. The icing on the cake came the other day when he wanted to go and buy Monopoly to play with our oldest daughter. He came home with Earthopoly instead...what?? So, instead of houses you get carbon credits??? huh??? Instead of hotels you get clean air (do I really need clean air more than a hotel?). Instead of a thimble a shoe or a top hat you get a bean, corn kernel, or a shell, OK come on now...this is getting ridiculous. I have come to the conclusion that this is my life and I could either sit back and feel good about it or complain about it...which do you think I have chosen? BTW, recipe for the cleaner is half borax and half baking soda...I know that at least half of you are thinking, "What the hell is borax?"